Monday, 27 December 2010

Where Aren’t They Now? Overlooked Deaths of 2010 - Deleted Scenes Part 2 of 2

By Lisa-Skye Ioannidis, Nicholas Rasche and Paul Rasche

Considering the last six months of 2010 started with getting hit by a car, then included full time work, producing and preforming an eight-show Melbourne Fringe season, a month in Beijing and then some collarbone surgery, I got two co-writers in to help me out with the writing for this one.

I did the research and some of the jokes, they did the rest of the write up. The Rasche brothers are two of the funniest guys I've ever met, and working with them was a joy (Nick I've done three shows with in the past, and Paul has made me laugh til I can't breathe on many an occasion. He's also an astounding artist and has designed my 2011 tattoo).

Here's the original article on Cracked.

And here's the first 14.

After the jump, the last 14 of the deleted scenes!

July 5: Co-Founder of Greenpeace
: Jim Bohlen
How: Harpooned by Japanese fisherman/clear-felled to make way for cattle grazing land for MacDonalds/when you got to go, you got to go, man.
The legacy: Originally an engineer who worked on the Atlas ICBM missile program, he saw the error of his ways and moved to Canada, setting a precedent thousands of disillusioned US voters in 1968, 1972, 1980, 1984, 1988, 2000 and 2004 would fail to follow. In addition to being one of the original founders of Greenpeace, Bohlen ran unsuccessfully for election for the Green Party, setting a much more successful precedent that endures to this day.

July 15: Speed Racer
: Peter Fernandez, the man who introduced America to Speed Racer
How: Lung Cancer
The Legacy: Peter Fernandez was a voice actor and director with a career stretching over 40 years, but he is best known for his involvement with the anime series ‘Speed Racer’, for which he was the co-writer, voice director and translator for the English language version of the theme song. He was a key figure in the introduction of Japanese anime to English language audiences, earning the gratitude of animation fans/perverts across the world. His spirit is currently either being serviced by round-eyed schoolgirls with impossible huge breasts or subjected to an eternity of tentacle rape. We’re hoping both.

July 24: 31st Richest Person in the World (Not Anymore)
: Theo Albrecht, a man catering to both yuppies and bargain-hunting scavengers alike: he was past owner of both Aldi and Trader Joe's. Theo was kidnapped for 17 days in 1971. He was 49 at the time. A $4.67 million ransom was paid for his release, proving terrorism works.
HOW: Cause unknown.
The Legacy: After the kidnapping, Albrecht became a fiercely private man. The last published photo of him dates to 1971, one day after his kidnapping. In a world where billionaires compete with each other to accumulate the most friends of Facebook, that’s kind of refreshing. And if you grabbed Mark Zuckerberg and held him in a pit in your basement for three weeks, you’d be bound to get more than 4 million.
[Pic: Mark Zuckerberg. Caption: Maybe not]

July 28: Oldest person on both Facebook and Twitter
Ivy Bean
How: Liver failure.
The Legacy:
What does a 104 year old tweet about? 'brb have to go spend an hour in the bathroom expelling my weekly bowel movement - twit pics to follow'? 'Woke up. Good. Hip hurts. Bad.' Actually, she 'discussed her life in a care home, her favorite meal, and episodes of Deal or No Deal she had seen'. So even better. And 56,000 followers on Twitter ate that shit up. Just think of that next time you labor over a pithy bon mot for your 23 followers.

August 30: The Jell-o Wid-o
Lynn Turner
How: Suicide
The Legacy:
A former 911 operator, Turner just wouldn't stop poisoning the people she boned for the sweet, sweet life insurance: both her husband and her boyfriend succumbed to her delicious Jell-O, the secret ingredient in which was antifreeze. Hell hath no fury like a gold digger with access to hoof-based desserts.

August 31: Angry Neighbour
: You think you have earnest neighbors? Vale Franklin Brito, the most passionate yet
HOW: Hunger strike, rising from a dispute over land. The Venezuelan government may not have been completely on the level here, but the fact remains this dude starved himself to death for some farmland. In 2010, not 1210.
The Legacy: You know that guy in the apartment next to you who complains about you ‘thumping around’ making all that noise? Meanwhile you’re in your padded boots on your pillow rug, barely making contact with the floor? Slide Brito’s Wiki entry under his door, cancel his subscription to Pizza Monthly and await the solution.

September 14: Creator of 'The Club' Car Lock
: James E Winner Jr
How: Car accident
The legacy: Born in 1929 to a poor farming family, Winner Jr gained immortality as the inventor of ‘The Club’, although mechanic Charles Johnson who worked on the device claimed credit as co-creator in a bitter and long-running lawsuit settled in 1993 for a sum reportedly over $10 million. Winner Jr died when his SUV inexplicably veered across the divider into oncoming traffic. Witnesses describe him struggling to turn the steering wheel, which seemed to be fixed in place with a long metal bar of some description. Charles Johnson was nowhere to be seen, thank you very much.

September 20: Mr Nul Point
Fud Leclerc
The Legacy:
If Eurovision is the world cup, American Idol is your nephew's 'special school' little league match. It's been around since 1956 and 51 countries have competed. That's not to say it doesn’t have its dark side. And Leclerc's last Eurovision (of four) was the zenith: his was the first song to receive 'nul points' - zero, zilch, nothing. It was this song, Ton Nom (‘Your Name’) - a classy, mostly harmless little ditty that was savaged by every voter in every single European country. That’s right, countries with a history of hating each other so intensely that an estimated 45% of the continent consists of mass graves and unexploded military ordinance agreed as one that this song was the worst thing any of them had heard, EVER.
Leclerc represented Belgium four times, with mixed results. But after the shame of 1962 his career went the natural way of the failed singer. He became a building contractor.

September 23: The Original Crocodile Hunter
: Malcolm Douglas
How: Car accident
The legacy: An Australian crocodile hunter, conservationist and TV documentarian who wasn’t Steve Irwin, which leads us to believe Australian vocational tests have a whole section on this. Can you wrestle a 6-meter prehistoric reptilian killing machine, hit your mark for the cameraman and still remember your catchphrase? If so, bad luck, a dozen Australian guys have already applied for the job.
Douglas was killed in a car accident in his own Wilderness Park. Police were unsure of the cause of the accident, so we have to assume he was attempting to take a corner at 120mph while extracting a sore tooth from a fully grown crocodile without anesthetic. Reports noted he had previously battled prostate cancer, as a result of which prostate cancer has been extinct in Australia since 2004.
Also, having his heyday in the 80s, Douglas’ shorts were way – WAY – shorter than Irwin’s.

October 16-19: America’s Mom and Dad
: Barbara Billingsley and Tom Bosley
How: Polymyalgia and heart failure
The legacy: The Beaver’s mom and Richie Cunningham’s dad in 4 days? If you ask us, the mid-term elections should have been postponed at least until March. In a haze of grief, disillusionment and nationwide sense of abandonment, the American people could easily have taken leave of their collective senses and elected a bunch of ignorant nut-jobs. Yeah, we dodged a bullet there.

October 26: That Fucking Octopus
: Paul the Octopus. Around the world thousands of people went absolutely crazy-eight retarded for him after he ‘predicted’ correct outcomes to eight matches played in the 2010 world cup. Why they decided to ask marine life for their tips in the first place is best left alone. But let’s just say, those tentacles have been ‘predicting’ things for a while. And by ‘predicting’, we mean ‘filmed for use on Hentai sites’.
How: Octopus-related complications
The Legacy: Who will predict stuff now? Fortunately at Cracked Lab, we’ve developed a manatee that can see through time. Public appearances can be negotiated for a small fee. Email Daniel O’Brian for information.

November 10: Film Producer
: Dino De Laurentiis
HOW: Took a Silver Bullet (1985) from a Shootist (1976) forcing him into the Dead Zone (1983) thus satisfying his Death Wish (1974). Or else it was Hannibal (2001). Or King Kong (1976).
The Legacy: Dubbed ‘Dino de Horrendous’ by critics Harry and Michael Medved in 1980. Produced Evil Dead 2 in 1987. Harry and Michael Medved stripped of critical credibility, driven to remote cabin in the woods and raped to death by demons in 1988. Dino wins.

NOVEMBER 21: Fat Cat
: Prince Chunk, a morbidly obese cat.
HOW: Heart disease brought about by over-consumption of lasagna.
THE LEGACY: Prince Chunk (also known as Princess Chunk, due to the many rolls of fat that obscured his/her genitalia) was found abandoned by Animal Control in 2008. At the time, he/she was alleged to have weighed 44 lb and was trying to find work as a coffee table.
Unfortunately, the Chunk’s legacy will be lost to future generations, as the good folk at Guinness World Records have stopped keeping records of the fattest pets. This is due to concern that that people would force-feed their beloved kitties in an attempt at finding fame. Buzzkill much?

NOVEMBER 30: Yoga Hippie
Daya Mata
HOW: Relaxed herself to death
THE LEGACY: Daya Mata was born Faye Wright – an old-school Mormon from Utah. Finding that particular old-school wasn’t oldish or schoolish enough for her, she converted to Hinduism back in the 30s (when certain other ‘old-school’ religions weren’t faring so well – see National Socialism). Maya went on to lead the Self-Realization Fellowship for more than 50 years and wrote a bunch of books about how great yoga is, not including “Yoga Bitch”, “Yoga Bitch 2”, “A Pick-a-Nick Basket of Yoga” or “Will You Just Fucking Chill Out For A Second?”

Lisa-Skye Ioannidis is a comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. Find more of her here
Nicholas Rasche is a writer and comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. His work has appeared in numerous print and online journals in Australia, the US and the UK.
Paul Rasche likes smoking.

No comments: