Monday, 27 December 2010

Where Aren’t They Now? Overlooked Deaths of 2010 - Deleted Scenes Part 1

By Lisa-Skye Ioannidis, Nicholas Rasche and Paul Rasche

When I do the research for these articles, there's always a long list of dozens. This year, as per usual, we wrote up nearly 40 deaths, and let Cracked choose the short list.

Being in Australia, I depend on them to pick for relevance, and lack of coverage (along with ones that are just fucking hilarious, like the Owner of Segway industries driving his Segway off a cliff... I mean, come on).

Here's the original article on Cracked.

After the jump, the first 14 of the deleted scenes!

Apparently celebrities considered dying terribly 2009. After a star-studded year of deaths, 2010 had only a few big names to cover; mostly Bs to last year's As.
JD Salinger.
Tony Curtis.
Gary Coleman.
Corey Haim.
Leslie Nielson.
Winston Churchill. Wait, not that one.
Ginny Sacramoni.
But, as per usual, while these celebs hogged the posthumous limelight there were some also-rans who deserve to be honored in the Cracked tradition.

Also, March 7 was a really bad day to be a supercentarian.

JANUARY 8: Gumby’s Dad
: Satanic warlock Art Clokey, creator of Gumby
HOW: Thrown into the pits of hell by Gandalf and Dumbledore.
THE LEGACY: It’s all in the name, people. Art Clokey? ‘Cloak’ means ‘to hide’, so Art Clokey means ‘hidden picture’ – an obvious clue that Gumby is riddled with subliminal messages in a sickening attempt to poison the minds of children the world over.

Gumby’s sidekick is ‘Pokey ‘-a euphemism for prison which also conjures up images of sexual molestation. Gumby’s girlfriend is ‘Goo’, and she shoots blobs which is too nauseating to even go into.
Art was born evil. He caused his parents to divorce when he was 9. A few years later, his father died in a “car accident”. He went to live with his mother and step-father – they barely escaped with their lives and sent Art to an orphanage, where he was eventually adopted by a Sith Overlord who realized Art’s dark potential. It wasn’t long before Art set to work on his plan to destroy the planet through Claymation.

January 10: the 'Daddy-O of Spaghetti Os'.
: Donald Goerke
HOW: Of natural causes in his home.
The Legacy: Goerke worked for the Campbell Soup Company from 1955 to 1990. That’s 35 goddamn years. In a desperate attempt to move to a position in the company where he wouldn’t still be pissing tomato soup 10 years after retirement, he developed ‘Spaghetti Os’ in 1965. He reportedly considered and rejected pasta in the shapes of baseballs, cowboys, spacemen and stars, in favor of the fun-filled, magical 'O' shape. Because why eat astronauts when you can laugh it up with zany fucking circles.

JANUARY 14: Geriatric Canine
: Otto, the world’s oldest dog
HOW: Euthanasia following a cancer diagnosis
THE LEGACY: You might find it heartwarming that Otto, a dachshund-terrier cross from the UK lived so long. But that dog was an ASSHOLE. Otto died just one month shy of his 21st birthday. GOOD. HE DESERVED IT.

January 16: Snr Taco
: Glen Bell, founder of Taco Bell
HOW: Unknown.
The legacy: Glen Bell left the US Marine Corps in 1946, opening his first hot dog stand in 1948. He began selling tacos in 1952. When he sold Taco Bell to PepsiCo in 1978 for $125,000,000, the chain consisted of 868 restaurants and thousands of staff members too slow to get a job at McDonalds. Officially, no cause of Bell’s death was released. However, as Mexico is home to some of the most murderous criminal gangs in the world and Taco Bell is widely recognised as the nation’s foremost provider of bland, tasteless ‘Mexican’ food, we’re guessing ‘revenge’.
[Pic of Danny Trejo, caption: Don’t tell us this guy wasn’t involved]

Jan 11 and Feb 19: Members of Porn’s Hall of Fame
: Jamie Gillis and Juliet Anderson.
How: Melanoma and Crohn’s disease
The Legacy: Gillis and Anderson were legends in the field of pornography, which, from what we’ve read, has something to do with having sex on film. Between them, Gillis and Anderson appeared in over 530 films watched for an average of 5-8 minutes each. Around this time, the porn industry also lost Alice Rigby, Judy Callin, Ruby Sapphire, Judy Carr, Aunt Peg, Judy Fallbrook, Al Cianelli, Ronny Morgan, Jamier Kantor and Buster Hymen, which looks like a hardcore holocaust until you realize these were all stage names of Gillis (born Jamey Ira Gurman) and Anderson (born Judith Carr).
The research for this entry was murder.

JANUARY 20: That Crazy Guy with Those Crazy Theories
: Bob Minton, outspoken critic of Scientolo…um…nothing – just plain old Bob Minton
HOW: Assassinated by Tom Cruis….no, actually, he died peacefully in his sleep
THE LEGACY: Bob Minton was one of Scientology’s most ardent critics and spent millions on various lawsuits against the Church. But one night, those kooky Scientologists decided enough was enough and then… nothing happened and everything was OK.

FEBRUARY 9: Inventor of the Frisbee
: Walter Frederick Morrison
HOW: Cause unknown
THE LEGACY: Tiring of his girlfriend’s endless sass, Morrison grabbed something – anything – and threw it at her face. This is how things were done in the 30s. The object happened to be a lid off of a can of popcorn and thus the Frisbee was born. Have you ever spent a lazy afternoon casually tossing some ‘Bee down in the park? If so, you are glorifying domestic violence – WHY DO YOU HATE WOMEN?

FEBRUARY 25: Boner
: Andrew Koenig
HOW: Suicide
THE LEGACY: “Show me that smile again…” From ‘85 through ‘89, Koenig was beloved by us all – BY US ALL – as Boner, Mike’s goofy best friend in the heartwarming smash-hit sitcom Growing Pains. Despite reports to the contrary, it wasn’t the cries of “HEY BONER!” from passing cars that kick-started Koenig’s downward spiral into depression – rather it was the burden of convincing audiences that someone would willingly befriend Kirk Cameron. (Picture of Kirk Cameron. Caption: Except for Jesus!’)

MARCH 30: Father of the ‘Australian Pillow’
: Thomas Angove, inventor of the wine cask
HOW: Complications arising from developing a cube-shaped liver
THE LEGACY: The unsung hero of cheap boozehounds the world over, Angove invented the wine cask (originally known as the “Box O’ Tears”) back in the 60s. For this, he was honored by the Australian Government. Angove will be well remembered for his catchphrase, “If you think you’re too good to drink wine from a cardboard box… uh…well then….hey, look at that dog over there… BLEAAAAGH….fuck ‘em all.”

APRIL 1: Your Savior
: Ed Roberts, computer engineer
HOW: Pneumonia
THE LEGACY: Ed Roberts invented the personal computer. Therefore, Ed Roberts is pretty much solely responsible for the internet. Imagine your porn stash without the contribution of Ed Roberts. Now YOU tell ME what his legacy is.

APRIL 6: The Voice of Jiminy Cricket
Eddie Carroll
HOW: Brain tumor
THE LEGACY: While the rest of us had that scene from Under Siege on a permanent “watch – rewind – watch again” cycle, Eddie Carroll - Erika Eleniak’s kindly uncle and the voice of beloved insect Jiminy Cricket – could barely stand to see it.

Or could he?

MAY 31: Trivial Pursuer
Q: Along with Scott Abbott, who co-created popular board game Trivial Pursuit?
A: Mustachioed weirdo, Chris Haney. They were playing scrabble, deemed it boring, and over a round of beers came up with the game to get a million trivia nerds barring up.
Q: How did Trivial Pursuit co-creator Chris Haney die?
A: Sorry, we couldn’t be bothered looking that up. Wikipedia just says “a long illness”.
THE LEGACY: In the world before Trivial Pursuit, you would have freaked out if you found a matching set of 6 tiny plastic triangles in your dog’s poop.
Whereas nowadays, you’re more likely to think “How was Fido was able to answer the Arts and Literature question? Who the fuck is Saul Bellow anyway? Oh well, back to combing through this dog shit.”
Thanks Chris!

June 1: World’s Ugliest Dog
: Miss Ellie
HOW: Shame
The legacy: Miss Ellie, a Chinese crested hairless dog was the winner of the 2009 World’s Ugliest Dog competition (pedigree division). Despite being hideously ugly Miss Ellie achieved considerable media exposure and impressively, was able to do so without being a child of the late Aaron Spelling. (You can insert a Tori Spelling pic in here if the lawyers will let us…)

June 5: The Porn Star
: Stephen Clancy Hill, AKA Steve Driver
How: Jumping off a cliff while brandishing a sword at the approaching SWAT team. No, really.
The Legacy:
Saying he was the craziest, scariest porn star is like dubbing something 'the tastiest fried food found at a carnival', but still. This guy:
-- Allegedly attacked three people with a sword, murdering one: Herbert Wong, fellow porn star and star of films 'Hookers and Blow 3' and 'Cum Coat My Throat 5' (any relation to Cracked's David Wong is unclear).
-- Was also previously charged with assault with a handgun in 1998 while a student at the University of Maryland. The victim? A TA who stubbornly refused to give him an 'A' on a test he hadn't taken.
The day of his death, he’d been told he was fired. Faced with a future of not banging coked-out hos on film, Hill, as we all would, thought ‘fuck this’. He grabbed the first prop he found and went bananas. If only it had been a Pink Limpy™ dildo and not a samurai sword.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of 2!

Lisa-Skye Ioannidis is a comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. Find more of her here
Nicholas Rasche is a writer and comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. His work has appeared in numerous print and online journals in Australia, the US and the UK.
Paul Rasche likes smoking.

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