Monday, 27 December 2010

Where Aren’t They Now? Overlooked Deaths of 2010 - Deleted Scenes Part 2 of 2

By Lisa-Skye Ioannidis, Nicholas Rasche and Paul Rasche

Considering the last six months of 2010 started with getting hit by a car, then included full time work, producing and preforming an eight-show Melbourne Fringe season, a month in Beijing and then some collarbone surgery, I got two co-writers in to help me out with the writing for this one.

I did the research and some of the jokes, they did the rest of the write up. The Rasche brothers are two of the funniest guys I've ever met, and working with them was a joy (Nick I've done three shows with in the past, and Paul has made me laugh til I can't breathe on many an occasion. He's also an astounding artist and has designed my 2011 tattoo).

Here's the original article on Cracked.

And here's the first 14.

After the jump, the last 14 of the deleted scenes!

July 5: Co-Founder of Greenpeace
: Jim Bohlen
How: Harpooned by Japanese fisherman/clear-felled to make way for cattle grazing land for MacDonalds/when you got to go, you got to go, man.
The legacy: Originally an engineer who worked on the Atlas ICBM missile program, he saw the error of his ways and moved to Canada, setting a precedent thousands of disillusioned US voters in 1968, 1972, 1980, 1984, 1988, 2000 and 2004 would fail to follow. In addition to being one of the original founders of Greenpeace, Bohlen ran unsuccessfully for election for the Green Party, setting a much more successful precedent that endures to this day.

July 15: Speed Racer
: Peter Fernandez, the man who introduced America to Speed Racer
How: Lung Cancer
The Legacy: Peter Fernandez was a voice actor and director with a career stretching over 40 years, but he is best known for his involvement with the anime series ‘Speed Racer’, for which he was the co-writer, voice director and translator for the English language version of the theme song. He was a key figure in the introduction of Japanese anime to English language audiences, earning the gratitude of animation fans/perverts across the world. His spirit is currently either being serviced by round-eyed schoolgirls with impossible huge breasts or subjected to an eternity of tentacle rape. We’re hoping both.

July 24: 31st Richest Person in the World (Not Anymore)
: Theo Albrecht, a man catering to both yuppies and bargain-hunting scavengers alike: he was past owner of both Aldi and Trader Joe's. Theo was kidnapped for 17 days in 1971. He was 49 at the time. A $4.67 million ransom was paid for his release, proving terrorism works.
HOW: Cause unknown.
The Legacy: After the kidnapping, Albrecht became a fiercely private man. The last published photo of him dates to 1971, one day after his kidnapping. In a world where billionaires compete with each other to accumulate the most friends of Facebook, that’s kind of refreshing. And if you grabbed Mark Zuckerberg and held him in a pit in your basement for three weeks, you’d be bound to get more than 4 million.
[Pic: Mark Zuckerberg. Caption: Maybe not]

July 28: Oldest person on both Facebook and Twitter
Ivy Bean
How: Liver failure.
The Legacy:
What does a 104 year old tweet about? 'brb have to go spend an hour in the bathroom expelling my weekly bowel movement - twit pics to follow'? 'Woke up. Good. Hip hurts. Bad.' Actually, she 'discussed her life in a care home, her favorite meal, and episodes of Deal or No Deal she had seen'. So even better. And 56,000 followers on Twitter ate that shit up. Just think of that next time you labor over a pithy bon mot for your 23 followers.

August 30: The Jell-o Wid-o
Lynn Turner
How: Suicide
The Legacy:
A former 911 operator, Turner just wouldn't stop poisoning the people she boned for the sweet, sweet life insurance: both her husband and her boyfriend succumbed to her delicious Jell-O, the secret ingredient in which was antifreeze. Hell hath no fury like a gold digger with access to hoof-based desserts.

August 31: Angry Neighbour
: You think you have earnest neighbors? Vale Franklin Brito, the most passionate yet
HOW: Hunger strike, rising from a dispute over land. The Venezuelan government may not have been completely on the level here, but the fact remains this dude starved himself to death for some farmland. In 2010, not 1210.
The Legacy: You know that guy in the apartment next to you who complains about you ‘thumping around’ making all that noise? Meanwhile you’re in your padded boots on your pillow rug, barely making contact with the floor? Slide Brito’s Wiki entry under his door, cancel his subscription to Pizza Monthly and await the solution.

September 14: Creator of 'The Club' Car Lock
: James E Winner Jr
How: Car accident
The legacy: Born in 1929 to a poor farming family, Winner Jr gained immortality as the inventor of ‘The Club’, although mechanic Charles Johnson who worked on the device claimed credit as co-creator in a bitter and long-running lawsuit settled in 1993 for a sum reportedly over $10 million. Winner Jr died when his SUV inexplicably veered across the divider into oncoming traffic. Witnesses describe him struggling to turn the steering wheel, which seemed to be fixed in place with a long metal bar of some description. Charles Johnson was nowhere to be seen, thank you very much.

September 20: Mr Nul Point
Fud Leclerc
The Legacy:
If Eurovision is the world cup, American Idol is your nephew's 'special school' little league match. It's been around since 1956 and 51 countries have competed. That's not to say it doesn’t have its dark side. And Leclerc's last Eurovision (of four) was the zenith: his was the first song to receive 'nul points' - zero, zilch, nothing. It was this song, Ton Nom (‘Your Name’) - a classy, mostly harmless little ditty that was savaged by every voter in every single European country. That’s right, countries with a history of hating each other so intensely that an estimated 45% of the continent consists of mass graves and unexploded military ordinance agreed as one that this song was the worst thing any of them had heard, EVER.
Leclerc represented Belgium four times, with mixed results. But after the shame of 1962 his career went the natural way of the failed singer. He became a building contractor.

September 23: The Original Crocodile Hunter
: Malcolm Douglas
How: Car accident
The legacy: An Australian crocodile hunter, conservationist and TV documentarian who wasn’t Steve Irwin, which leads us to believe Australian vocational tests have a whole section on this. Can you wrestle a 6-meter prehistoric reptilian killing machine, hit your mark for the cameraman and still remember your catchphrase? If so, bad luck, a dozen Australian guys have already applied for the job.
Douglas was killed in a car accident in his own Wilderness Park. Police were unsure of the cause of the accident, so we have to assume he was attempting to take a corner at 120mph while extracting a sore tooth from a fully grown crocodile without anesthetic. Reports noted he had previously battled prostate cancer, as a result of which prostate cancer has been extinct in Australia since 2004.
Also, having his heyday in the 80s, Douglas’ shorts were way – WAY – shorter than Irwin’s.

October 16-19: America’s Mom and Dad
: Barbara Billingsley and Tom Bosley
How: Polymyalgia and heart failure
The legacy: The Beaver’s mom and Richie Cunningham’s dad in 4 days? If you ask us, the mid-term elections should have been postponed at least until March. In a haze of grief, disillusionment and nationwide sense of abandonment, the American people could easily have taken leave of their collective senses and elected a bunch of ignorant nut-jobs. Yeah, we dodged a bullet there.

October 26: That Fucking Octopus
: Paul the Octopus. Around the world thousands of people went absolutely crazy-eight retarded for him after he ‘predicted’ correct outcomes to eight matches played in the 2010 world cup. Why they decided to ask marine life for their tips in the first place is best left alone. But let’s just say, those tentacles have been ‘predicting’ things for a while. And by ‘predicting’, we mean ‘filmed for use on Hentai sites’.
How: Octopus-related complications
The Legacy: Who will predict stuff now? Fortunately at Cracked Lab, we’ve developed a manatee that can see through time. Public appearances can be negotiated for a small fee. Email Daniel O’Brian for information.

November 10: Film Producer
: Dino De Laurentiis
HOW: Took a Silver Bullet (1985) from a Shootist (1976) forcing him into the Dead Zone (1983) thus satisfying his Death Wish (1974). Or else it was Hannibal (2001). Or King Kong (1976).
The Legacy: Dubbed ‘Dino de Horrendous’ by critics Harry and Michael Medved in 1980. Produced Evil Dead 2 in 1987. Harry and Michael Medved stripped of critical credibility, driven to remote cabin in the woods and raped to death by demons in 1988. Dino wins.

NOVEMBER 21: Fat Cat
: Prince Chunk, a morbidly obese cat.
HOW: Heart disease brought about by over-consumption of lasagna.
THE LEGACY: Prince Chunk (also known as Princess Chunk, due to the many rolls of fat that obscured his/her genitalia) was found abandoned by Animal Control in 2008. At the time, he/she was alleged to have weighed 44 lb and was trying to find work as a coffee table.
Unfortunately, the Chunk’s legacy will be lost to future generations, as the good folk at Guinness World Records have stopped keeping records of the fattest pets. This is due to concern that that people would force-feed their beloved kitties in an attempt at finding fame. Buzzkill much?

NOVEMBER 30: Yoga Hippie
Daya Mata
HOW: Relaxed herself to death
THE LEGACY: Daya Mata was born Faye Wright – an old-school Mormon from Utah. Finding that particular old-school wasn’t oldish or schoolish enough for her, she converted to Hinduism back in the 30s (when certain other ‘old-school’ religions weren’t faring so well – see National Socialism). Maya went on to lead the Self-Realization Fellowship for more than 50 years and wrote a bunch of books about how great yoga is, not including “Yoga Bitch”, “Yoga Bitch 2”, “A Pick-a-Nick Basket of Yoga” or “Will You Just Fucking Chill Out For A Second?”

Lisa-Skye Ioannidis is a comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. Find more of her here
Nicholas Rasche is a writer and comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. His work has appeared in numerous print and online journals in Australia, the US and the UK.
Paul Rasche likes smoking.

Read more!

Where Aren’t They Now? Overlooked Deaths of 2010 - Deleted Scenes Part 1

By Lisa-Skye Ioannidis, Nicholas Rasche and Paul Rasche

When I do the research for these articles, there's always a long list of dozens. This year, as per usual, we wrote up nearly 40 deaths, and let Cracked choose the short list.

Being in Australia, I depend on them to pick for relevance, and lack of coverage (along with ones that are just fucking hilarious, like the Owner of Segway industries driving his Segway off a cliff... I mean, come on).

Here's the original article on Cracked.

After the jump, the first 14 of the deleted scenes!

Apparently celebrities considered dying terribly 2009. After a star-studded year of deaths, 2010 had only a few big names to cover; mostly Bs to last year's As.
JD Salinger.
Tony Curtis.
Gary Coleman.
Corey Haim.
Leslie Nielson.
Winston Churchill. Wait, not that one.
Ginny Sacramoni.
But, as per usual, while these celebs hogged the posthumous limelight there were some also-rans who deserve to be honored in the Cracked tradition.

Also, March 7 was a really bad day to be a supercentarian.

JANUARY 8: Gumby’s Dad
: Satanic warlock Art Clokey, creator of Gumby
HOW: Thrown into the pits of hell by Gandalf and Dumbledore.
THE LEGACY: It’s all in the name, people. Art Clokey? ‘Cloak’ means ‘to hide’, so Art Clokey means ‘hidden picture’ – an obvious clue that Gumby is riddled with subliminal messages in a sickening attempt to poison the minds of children the world over.

Gumby’s sidekick is ‘Pokey ‘-a euphemism for prison which also conjures up images of sexual molestation. Gumby’s girlfriend is ‘Goo’, and she shoots blobs which is too nauseating to even go into.
Art was born evil. He caused his parents to divorce when he was 9. A few years later, his father died in a “car accident”. He went to live with his mother and step-father – they barely escaped with their lives and sent Art to an orphanage, where he was eventually adopted by a Sith Overlord who realized Art’s dark potential. It wasn’t long before Art set to work on his plan to destroy the planet through Claymation.

January 10: the 'Daddy-O of Spaghetti Os'.
: Donald Goerke
HOW: Of natural causes in his home.
The Legacy: Goerke worked for the Campbell Soup Company from 1955 to 1990. That’s 35 goddamn years. In a desperate attempt to move to a position in the company where he wouldn’t still be pissing tomato soup 10 years after retirement, he developed ‘Spaghetti Os’ in 1965. He reportedly considered and rejected pasta in the shapes of baseballs, cowboys, spacemen and stars, in favor of the fun-filled, magical 'O' shape. Because why eat astronauts when you can laugh it up with zany fucking circles.

JANUARY 14: Geriatric Canine
: Otto, the world’s oldest dog
HOW: Euthanasia following a cancer diagnosis
THE LEGACY: You might find it heartwarming that Otto, a dachshund-terrier cross from the UK lived so long. But that dog was an ASSHOLE. Otto died just one month shy of his 21st birthday. GOOD. HE DESERVED IT.

January 16: Snr Taco
: Glen Bell, founder of Taco Bell
HOW: Unknown.
The legacy: Glen Bell left the US Marine Corps in 1946, opening his first hot dog stand in 1948. He began selling tacos in 1952. When he sold Taco Bell to PepsiCo in 1978 for $125,000,000, the chain consisted of 868 restaurants and thousands of staff members too slow to get a job at McDonalds. Officially, no cause of Bell’s death was released. However, as Mexico is home to some of the most murderous criminal gangs in the world and Taco Bell is widely recognised as the nation’s foremost provider of bland, tasteless ‘Mexican’ food, we’re guessing ‘revenge’.
[Pic of Danny Trejo, caption: Don’t tell us this guy wasn’t involved]

Jan 11 and Feb 19: Members of Porn’s Hall of Fame
: Jamie Gillis and Juliet Anderson.
How: Melanoma and Crohn’s disease
The Legacy: Gillis and Anderson were legends in the field of pornography, which, from what we’ve read, has something to do with having sex on film. Between them, Gillis and Anderson appeared in over 530 films watched for an average of 5-8 minutes each. Around this time, the porn industry also lost Alice Rigby, Judy Callin, Ruby Sapphire, Judy Carr, Aunt Peg, Judy Fallbrook, Al Cianelli, Ronny Morgan, Jamier Kantor and Buster Hymen, which looks like a hardcore holocaust until you realize these were all stage names of Gillis (born Jamey Ira Gurman) and Anderson (born Judith Carr).
The research for this entry was murder.

JANUARY 20: That Crazy Guy with Those Crazy Theories
: Bob Minton, outspoken critic of Scientolo…um…nothing – just plain old Bob Minton
HOW: Assassinated by Tom Cruis….no, actually, he died peacefully in his sleep
THE LEGACY: Bob Minton was one of Scientology’s most ardent critics and spent millions on various lawsuits against the Church. But one night, those kooky Scientologists decided enough was enough and then… nothing happened and everything was OK.

FEBRUARY 9: Inventor of the Frisbee
: Walter Frederick Morrison
HOW: Cause unknown
THE LEGACY: Tiring of his girlfriend’s endless sass, Morrison grabbed something – anything – and threw it at her face. This is how things were done in the 30s. The object happened to be a lid off of a can of popcorn and thus the Frisbee was born. Have you ever spent a lazy afternoon casually tossing some ‘Bee down in the park? If so, you are glorifying domestic violence – WHY DO YOU HATE WOMEN?

FEBRUARY 25: Boner
: Andrew Koenig
HOW: Suicide
THE LEGACY: “Show me that smile again…” From ‘85 through ‘89, Koenig was beloved by us all – BY US ALL – as Boner, Mike’s goofy best friend in the heartwarming smash-hit sitcom Growing Pains. Despite reports to the contrary, it wasn’t the cries of “HEY BONER!” from passing cars that kick-started Koenig’s downward spiral into depression – rather it was the burden of convincing audiences that someone would willingly befriend Kirk Cameron. (Picture of Kirk Cameron. Caption: Except for Jesus!’)

MARCH 30: Father of the ‘Australian Pillow’
: Thomas Angove, inventor of the wine cask
HOW: Complications arising from developing a cube-shaped liver
THE LEGACY: The unsung hero of cheap boozehounds the world over, Angove invented the wine cask (originally known as the “Box O’ Tears”) back in the 60s. For this, he was honored by the Australian Government. Angove will be well remembered for his catchphrase, “If you think you’re too good to drink wine from a cardboard box… uh…well then….hey, look at that dog over there… BLEAAAAGH….fuck ‘em all.”

APRIL 1: Your Savior
: Ed Roberts, computer engineer
HOW: Pneumonia
THE LEGACY: Ed Roberts invented the personal computer. Therefore, Ed Roberts is pretty much solely responsible for the internet. Imagine your porn stash without the contribution of Ed Roberts. Now YOU tell ME what his legacy is.

APRIL 6: The Voice of Jiminy Cricket
Eddie Carroll
HOW: Brain tumor
THE LEGACY: While the rest of us had that scene from Under Siege on a permanent “watch – rewind – watch again” cycle, Eddie Carroll - Erika Eleniak’s kindly uncle and the voice of beloved insect Jiminy Cricket – could barely stand to see it.

Or could he?

MAY 31: Trivial Pursuer
Q: Along with Scott Abbott, who co-created popular board game Trivial Pursuit?
A: Mustachioed weirdo, Chris Haney. They were playing scrabble, deemed it boring, and over a round of beers came up with the game to get a million trivia nerds barring up.
Q: How did Trivial Pursuit co-creator Chris Haney die?
A: Sorry, we couldn’t be bothered looking that up. Wikipedia just says “a long illness”.
THE LEGACY: In the world before Trivial Pursuit, you would have freaked out if you found a matching set of 6 tiny plastic triangles in your dog’s poop.
Whereas nowadays, you’re more likely to think “How was Fido was able to answer the Arts and Literature question? Who the fuck is Saul Bellow anyway? Oh well, back to combing through this dog shit.”
Thanks Chris!

June 1: World’s Ugliest Dog
: Miss Ellie
HOW: Shame
The legacy: Miss Ellie, a Chinese crested hairless dog was the winner of the 2009 World’s Ugliest Dog competition (pedigree division). Despite being hideously ugly Miss Ellie achieved considerable media exposure and impressively, was able to do so without being a child of the late Aaron Spelling. (You can insert a Tori Spelling pic in here if the lawyers will let us…)

June 5: The Porn Star
: Stephen Clancy Hill, AKA Steve Driver
How: Jumping off a cliff while brandishing a sword at the approaching SWAT team. No, really.
The Legacy:
Saying he was the craziest, scariest porn star is like dubbing something 'the tastiest fried food found at a carnival', but still. This guy:
-- Allegedly attacked three people with a sword, murdering one: Herbert Wong, fellow porn star and star of films 'Hookers and Blow 3' and 'Cum Coat My Throat 5' (any relation to Cracked's David Wong is unclear).
-- Was also previously charged with assault with a handgun in 1998 while a student at the University of Maryland. The victim? A TA who stubbornly refused to give him an 'A' on a test he hadn't taken.
The day of his death, he’d been told he was fired. Faced with a future of not banging coked-out hos on film, Hill, as we all would, thought ‘fuck this’. He grabbed the first prop he found and went bananas. If only it had been a Pink Limpy™ dildo and not a samurai sword.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of 2!

Lisa-Skye Ioannidis is a comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. Find more of her here
Nicholas Rasche is a writer and comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. His work has appeared in numerous print and online journals in Australia, the US and the UK.
Paul Rasche likes smoking.

Read more!

Hello, Cracked Readers!

Thanks for reading the article and clicking through. We actually had almost 40 deaths covered, and let Cracked select the best. We have SO many deleted scenes from the article. Check back in an hour or so to see them! Spoiler alert: one of my faves didn't make the cut! Read more!