And every year in our research, we find waaaaayyyy too many people. So we send in about 50, and the editors pick and choose the best, and make our words funnier. So, read on for the ones that didn't make the cut, but are still pretty damn interesting (the Berenstain Bear curse!).
Where Aren’t They Now? X Overlooked Deaths
By Lisa-Skye and Paul Rasche
Whitney Houston, Dick Clark, Neil Armstrong. The old lady from Desperate Housewives
Their deaths were reported around the world for days, or weeks. But what of the glorious also-rans? The Saint Oliver the Humanzees?
We’ve got your back, ensuring you feel sad months after the death of That Guy You Hadn’t Even Thought About for 5 Years.
10 January
Who?
Gevork Vartanian, real-life Russian James Bond.
How?
Either old age or murdered by secret Nazi cult. Probably old age.
The Legacy:
This guy SAVED THE WORLD. And here we are, queuing up to heap praise on Batman. Get some perspective, people.
See, in 1943, whilst cackling maniacally, Adolf Hitler launched Operation Long Jump. You gotta give him points for not giving a fuck. For the goal of Operation Long Jump was the assassination of Winston Churchill, Theodore Roosevelt and Joseph Stalin ALL AT ONCE. Where was this planned to occur, you ask? Where else but ATOP MOUNT DOOM, BITCH? Okay, fine, it was Tehran. Tehran is still pretty bad-ass.
The Russians got a tip-off and sent in 19-year-old Gevork.
No, he found where the German baddies were hiding, so they went home. < http://en.rian.ru/analysis/20071016/84122320.html>
WORLD - SAVED.
14 January
Who?
Arfa Karim, Pakistani computer genius
How?
Epileptic seizure, aged 16.
The Legacy:
Arfa became the youngest ever Microsoft Certified Professional at age 9. < http://news.cnet.com/9-year-old-earns-accolade-as-Microsoft-pro/2100-1012_3-5793614.html?type=pt&part=inv&tag=feed&subj=news> I wonder what you were doing at age 9. Stuck on the first level of Tomb Raider maybe?
Following this, she was given heaps of super-special awards, most of which she was also the youngest person to ever receive.
Unfortunately, her brain experienced its own Blue Screen of Death and all the CTRL-ALT-DEL in the world couldn't save her. The end finally came when she advised her doctors that the best way to deal with her life support machine was to turn it off and turn it on again.
15 January
Who?
Father Matteo La Grua, exorcist
How?
Old age (97)
The Legacy:
Father La Grua was an exorcist, just like in that move - 'The Exorcist'. He was an exorcist for over 30 years and wrote a bunch of books and prayers and stuff. < http://palermo.repubblica.it/cronaca/2012/01/15/news/e_morto_padre_matteo_la_grua_decano_mondiale_degli_esorcisti-28155618/>That kind of thing is big in Italy.
According to Google Translate, La Grua was the "exorcist of Walnut". Additionally, "People asking, who calls it require a lot of direct contact is: the wait is almost always a must."
25 January
Who?
Jean Wells, D&D legend, author of the infamous 'Silver Princesses' module.
How?
Massive loss of hit points
The Legacy:
In the 70s, Jean was the first female game designer to work for TSR, then-publishers of Dungeons and Dragons. Although relatively inexperienced at the time, D&D boss Gary Gygax was impressed with her willingness to look at and talk to him (an actual GIRL! Can you imagine?!).
So - credentials? She contributed artwork to the Monster Manual. She wrote an advice column in Dragon magazine. Jean was doing well at TSR, gaining experience points at a rapid rate.
It all came horribly undone when she was assigned to write a D&D campaign named 'Palace of the Silver Princesses'. TSR executives weren't happy with the artwork - especially the overtly sexual, three-headed hermaphroditic monsters with heads that had been specifically designed to look like... TSR executives. < http://www.acaeum.com/ddindexes/modpages/b3.html>
The entire print-run was destroyed and Jean left TSR shortly after.
D&D really went downhill after that – just ask that weird guy in IT about it next time you have a few spare hours.
26 January
Who?
Ian Abercrombie - Mr Pitt from Seinfeld
How?
Kidney failure, age 77
The Legacy:
It's Mr Pitt, guys. Let's take a moment.
Remember the time he was being fussy about his white socks? Or that other time he ate the Snickers bar with a knife and fork? Good times. We'll always love you, Mr Pitt.
For those among you who never enjoyed Mr Abercrombie's sterling work in Seinfeld, perhaps you'll recall him as the voice of Chancellor Palpatine and Darth Sidious in Star Wars: The Clone Wars.
Of course, Mr Abercrombie was an accomplished stage actor, going back to WWII. He also appeared in Warlock, Twin Peaks, Army of Darkness and... the Garfield sequel. Ah well.
Mr Pitt!
29 January
Who?
Kell Osborne
How?
Not specified - age 72
The Legacy:
Kelly Osborne is dead! That's awesome! Wait.... what? KELL Osborne. Not Kelly Osbourne? Completely different person? So.. ok...
Kell Osborne was a really great... (checks Wikipedia)... SINGER. And he was in the Temptations, and he probably hung out with Phil Spector. So that's interesting. < http://www.soul-source.co.uk/index.php/articles.html/_/soul-articles/you-cant-outsmart-a-woman-the-kell-osbor-r1954>
So Kelly Osbourne is still alive then? Are you sure?
30 January
Who?
Al Rio, comic book artist
How?
Suicide by hanging. So, you know, not funny.
The Legacy:
Al worked on X-Men Unlimited, Captain America, Spider-Man and a whole bunch of obscure titles we've never heard of because we're too busy having sex with real girls. Like - all the time.
Speaking of which, girls were Al's speciality. He was a master of the "good girl" school of comic art. 'Good girl art' (GGA) is a form of comic art where the main emphasis is on a sexy girl REGARDLESS OF THE SITUATION OR SUBJECT MATTER.
So, basically, Al would be "OK guys, what’s this month's Spider-Man about? Robots from outer space? Leave it with me...” and that's how sexy female space robots are a thing now.
Yes, you could say Al was a one-trick pony, but at least it's a good trick. It's not like he was out there drawing Woody Allen over and over again.
12 February
Who?
New Grandpa Joe, aka David Kelly
How?
After a short illness
The Legacy:
Also known as the incompetent builder O’Reilly in the second episode of British obsession Fawlty Towers, Kelly is best known for his role as kind-hearted adventurous old guy in the remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (the one where Burton rubs himself on a picture of Jonny Depp’s smooth, liquid face). Apparently in Ireland he was best known for his performance as Rashers Tierney in Strumpet City,
12 February
Who?
John Severin, comic book artist, Cracked Royalty and Sylvester P Smythe’s dad
How?
From being 90.
The Legacy:
One of the founding artists of satirical humor magazine ‘Mad’, Severin moved over to the dead-tree version of Cracked in the 50s and went on to contribute for 45 years, while also working for Marvel, Warren and DC.
Stan Lee, Severin's former boss at Marvel Comics, said of him: “The minute you looked at his artwork you knew you were looking at a John Severin illustration; it could be no one else. Besides his inimitable style, there was a feeling of total authenticity to whatever he drew, whether it was a Western, a crime story, a superhero saga or a science fiction yarn. … One of my greatest regrets, as an editor, was the fact that John was so busy doing other things that I couldn’t give him as many assignments as I would have wished."
19 February
Who?
Steve Kordek, Pinball (Creating) Wizard
How?
Natural causes: dude was 100 (high score! MULTIBALLLLLLLL!)
The Legacy:
Kordek was the guy who came up with the idea of putting two flippers at the bottom of the table, controlled by two buttons at the side.
You can also thank Kordek for everyone’s favorite way to go apeshit crazy as a 12 year old, the aforementioned MULTIBALL function, which is how kids managed their ADHD before Ritalin.
But predictably, the life of a Pinball Maverick isn’t as exciting as it sounds. Wait, maybe it is. As he told the Tribune: “I had more fun in this business than anyone could believe”.
24 February and 22 April
Who?
The Berenstain Bear Curse:
Jan Berenstain, co-writer and co-illustrator of the Berenstain Bears franchise, and Buzz Potamkin, producer of The Berenstain Bears cartoon series.
How?
Officially, stroke and pancreatic cancer respectively.
The Legacy:
Those wrong-faced bears taught kids of the 80s everything they needed to know about family, life, love, morals, and overall wearing. Also something about living in trees, it gets hazy from there.
The tales of the Berenstain Bears were taken from the real-life human Berenstain family
But not everyone loved the wholesome family. In 1989, columnist Charles Krauthammer attacked Papa Bear in The Washington Post, calling him “the Alan Alda of Grizzlies, a wimp so passive and fumbling he makes Dagwood Bumstead look like Batman.”
29 February
Who?
Sheldon Moldoff, comic book artist, co-creater of Poison Ivy, Mr. Freeze, Matt Hagen (Clayface), and Bat-Mite
How?
Natural causes (dude was 91)
The Legacy:
You know the old story, talent scout spots young girl in a mall, and suddenly she’s America’s favorite covergirl supermodel? Moldoff’s the comic book artist equivalent of that. We don’t mean that his cold, dead eyes stare at you from a billboard selling face cream to spotty teenage girls. We mean he was discovered as a teenager, while doodling with chalk on the sidewalk outside his apartment.
From there, he went on to become one of the most prolific artists of the Golden Age. While Cracked writers sit in cafes typing up articles using an extra-large font in the hopes that some publisher will look over our shoulder and read our genius observations. Yeah, tall latte, we’re talking to you. Give us a book deal already. Oh, and that other tab is ‘research’.
3 March
Who?
Ralph McQuarrie, the true genius behind Star Wars
How?
Parkinsons disease, age 82
The Legacy:
Ralph McQuarrie is the true genius behind Star Wars. Working from the script, he created concept illustrations of Darth Vader, Chewbacca, R2-D2 and C-3PO. It was Ralph's idea to have Darth Vader wear breathing apparatus. < http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/obituaries/ralph-mcquarrie-artist-who-drewdarth-vader-c-3po-dies-at-82/2012/03/04/gIQAY2AYrR_story.html>
It was Ralph's idea to have Darth Vader wear breathing apparatus.
These concepts are the reason 20th Century Fox funded Star Wars. Stop and think about for a second.
OK, so hopefully now you've digested that and realized how important this man is to the history of Earth.
McQuarrie refused to work on the Star Wars prequel trilogy. Need we say more?
We will say more - he also won an Oscar for his work on the movie Cocoon. Hmmm - could have used more breathing apparatuses.
6 March
Who?
Gemma McCluskie, soap actress
How?
Beheaded. No shit. < http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-19757357>.
The Legacy:
Gemma played the role of Kerry Skinner in long-running UK soap EastEnders in 2000 - 2001. Cut to 11 years later, and the police are fishing her headless torso out of a canal. Fun times, huh? Her head was found a couple of days later. < http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-17290560>
Her brother has since "accepted responsibility" for her death < http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-19757357>. Dude doesn't like soap operas.
6 March
Who?
Sayuri Yamauchi, voice actress
How?
Cancer
The Legacy:
If you've ever stayed up late watching The Simpsons or Twin Peaks in a tiny Japanese hotel suite, wondering what’s happened to your life, then you know the work of Sayuri Yamauchi.
Yamauchi voiced Audrey Horne (ably played by Sherilyn Fenn) in the Japanese dub of Twin Peaks. She also provided the voice of Itchy AND Maude Flanders in the Japanese dub of the Simpsons
One can only assume the world of Japanese dubbing of American productions is more complex than previously imagined. And, if you require further proof of that assertion, have a quick glance at some of her other credits - "Samurai Champloo", "Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood", "Mobile Suit Gundam Wing" - the mind boggles. What the merry hell is a Champloo? Who knows - but chances are it’s made of fish.
8 March
Who?
Albert "Leslie" Cochran, cross-dressing street hero and iPhone app.
How?
Head trauma
The Legacy:
Albert, or "Leslie" as he preferred to be known, was a fixture of Austin, Texas streets, and is considered the poster-boy (or girl) of the "Keep Austin Weird" movement of the 00s.
Cochran was frequently seen in women's clothing, most often a leopard thong and heels. Despite this, he preferred to be known as a man. < http://www.austinchronicle.com/gyrobase/Issue/column?oid=oid:212988> Probably a bit late now, but here's a bit of advice, Albert. Want to be known as a man? Lose the heels. Go buy a tool belt and open jars.
In 2009, the "iLeslie" iPhone app hit the iTunes store, featuring interviews and soundbites from the now famous eccentric. < http://itunes.apple.com/app/ileslie/id336348643?mt=8> Shortly afterwards, he was smacked in the head so hard that he never truly recovered. Texans apparently don't approve of monetizing the unusual. Fuck Texans.
9 March
Who?
Terry Teene, inventor of Ronald McDonald
How?
Terry Teene was totaled by a tow truck in Tyler, Texas. True tale. < http://www.tylerpaper.com/>
The Legacy:
Teene led an unusual life. Things got off to a strange start even before he was born - his father's name was Kermit.
He soon became a rockabilly star, most famous for the vaguely terrifying songs "Curse of the Hearse" and "Just Wait Til I Get You Alone". So - what next for a strange young man so obviously obsessed with death and stalking? Why, he became a clown of course, performing under the name "Clownzo".
"Clownzo, son of Kermit" worked with George Voorhees to create the world-famous Ronald McDonald character.
Do you need any more proof that all clowns are the spawn of Satan himself and are here to destroy us? There's probably one behind you right now. THAT COMIC HONKING SOUND IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE.
11 March
Who?
Ian "Turps" Turpie, Australian game show host
How?
Throat cancer
The Legacy:
The eternally-mustachioed Turps was a mainstay of crappy Australian game shows throughout the 70s and 80s, and eventually became a kind of low-rent cult figure there.
Good ol' Turps was banging Olivia Newton-John before she was famous. It's all in that moustache - that prickly, tickly moustache. < http://www.ianturpie.com.au/biography.html>
Indeed, controversy reigned in 2004 when Turps started appearing in paid advertisements claiming he was losing his sexual potency - but luckily he'd discovered the wonders of Brand X Erectile Dysfunction Treatment Spray.
The public took one look at that ever-lovin' moustache and knew he was bullshitting - there could be no way Turps was anything but the living definition of virility. They were right - the ads were deemed to be in breach of the Trade Practices Act and taken off air.
And so the lovable larrikin Turps will forever be remembered in Australia as "that bloke with the 'tache who lied about his dick for cash."
14 March
Who?
Josie DeCarlo - the real McCoy
How?
Old age
The Legacy:
Josie DeCarlo was a French model and real-life inspiration for Josie McCoy - as in Josie from Josie and the Pussycats. That's four 'Josies' in one sentence, people.
DeCarlo was the wife of cartoonist Dan DeCarlo. When she wore a cat-suit to a costume party, Dan was ‘inspired’ and Josie and the Pussycats were born. < http://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/sns-rt-archie-cartoonmt1thewrap36344-20120318,0,6742034.story>
In 2001, the role of Pussycats' drummer Melody Valentine was played by Tara Reid and the world became a darker, sadder place.
24 March
Who?
Jocky Wilson - professional darts player
How?
Smoking (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease)
The Legacy:
Forget Braveheart. Forget Begbie from Trainspotting. Jocky was the most Scottish man that has ever lived.
The evidence is as follows:
1. His name is Jocky.
2. He was banned from competing in 1982 after punching an official.
3a. He refused to brush his teeth because his Gran told him that the English poison the water.
3b. He lost all his teeth but didn't wear dentures because they made him belch when he drank. Scottish priorities. < http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2007/jan/14/sport.news>
4. He stopped playing darts due to contracting diabetes - this meant he couldn't drink during darts games any more. Game fekkin' over. < http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2120041/Jocky-Wilson-dead-62-Darts-legend-dies-battle-lung-disorder>
You can take his teeth, but you'll never take HIS DRINKING.
5 April
Who?
The Father of Loud,
How?
Natural causes
The Legacy:
In his youth, Marshall was a drummer in the English music scene. He also owned a London drum store. Musicians would come in and urge Marshall to stock guitars and amps, including The Who’s Pete Townshend, who was “demanding a more powerful machine gun to blow people away all around the world, I wanted it to be as big as the atomic bomb had been.”
On Twitter, Motley Crue bass player Nikki Sixx claimed Marshall was "responsible for some of the greatest audio moments in music's history - and 50% responsible of all our hearing loss."
RIP, Jim Marshall, and thank you for letting us rock out right to 11.
6 April
Who?
Thomas Kinkade, Mass-Market Artist
How?
Alcohol and valium overdose
The Legacy:
Kinkade referred to himself as the “painter of light,” usually with a trademark symbol,
Though frowned on by much of the art community, Kinkade created sentimental, affordable paintings that hang in an estimated 1 in 20 American homes. One in twenty. Homey cottages, rural churches - America loves the shit out of that.
4 May
Who?
Adam Yauch, aka MCA from The Beastie Boys
How?
Cancer, aged 47
The Legacy:
Adam was one of the founding members of the Beastie Boys. < http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/beastie-boys-co-founder-adam-yauch-dead-at-48-20120504> Enough said.
After a life spent fighting for his right to party, Adam left specific instructions in his will that his music can never be used for advertising*. < http://www.forbes.com/sites/deborahljacobs/2012/08/13/part-of-beastie-boy-adam-yauchs-will-banning-use-of-music-in-ads-may-not-be-valid/> Respect.
*Legal experts have since decided they can do whatever the fuck they want with Adam's music, so screw you, hippy. Now who wants more coke?
9 May
Who?
Vidal Sassoon, hairdresser to the stars
How?
Leukaemia, aged 82
The Legacy:
You may think of 'Vidal Sassoon' as a weird combination of words that your girlfriend probably knows something about. Perhaps you're sniggering to yourself and making some homophobic jokes about hairdressers to your idiot friends.
Dude was actually a bit of a badass. He grew up in an orphanage, became an underground anti-Fascist warrior in WW2, and kicked ass in the Israeli army. He also was married four times, so, you know, perhaps YOU'RE THE ONE WITH A PROBLEM. < http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1585110/Vidal-Sassoon-Anti-fascist-warrior-hairdresser.html>
He was also an awesome hairdresser.
17 May
Who?
Ron Shock, comedian
How?
Cancer, aged 69
The Legacy:
Shock started out studying to become a priest. That didn’t pan out – so naturally, his next step was to become a jewel thief. That’s right, a jewel thief. This lead to some time in prison (hey, not all jewel thieves can be Catwoman).
Following this, he got a crappy job selling encyclopedias door-to-door. Ha-ha – what a crappy job! Yeah, well, before you laugh too hard, we’d better tell you that before long, he’d risen up the ranks to become VICE-FUCKING-PRESIDENT OF MACMILLAN PUBLISHERS. He also holds three patents in electronics, one of which went on to make millions (for someone else).
At age 40. Ron gave all of this up to try out some stand-up comedy. You should quit your job and try stand-up comedy. See how you go. Perhaps you’ll end up on a site like this one day.
2 June
Who?
Corporal Peter Newkirk, aka Richard Dawson
How?
Esophageal cancer
The Legacy:
Dawson was a long time host of Family Feud who became known for planting kisses on female contestants
5 June
Who?
Ray Bradbury, writer, author of Fahrenheit 451
How?
From complications arising out of being 91.
The Legacy:
Though an incredibly prolific writer for decades, Bradbury is best known for Fahrenheit 451, his first novel, set in a dystopian future in which books are banned. Bradbury completed the novel in nine days in the Powell library
5 June
Who?
Liz Shaw, the 3rd Doctor’s companion. Also known as Caroline John
How?
Cancer
The Legacy:
Dr Who was being revamped, and needed, nay, DEMANDED, a glamorous science lady to put up with the Dr’s science-antics. It was the first time the Doctor had an equal - Doctor Who Magazine assistant editor Peter Ware has been quoted as saying John's character was "a very different type of companion than any that had come before". She was soon phased out for the more traditional-type Doctor’s assistant.
Doctor Who chief writer Steven Moffat said of John: "The Doctor's companions should never be his assistants - they're the people who keep him on his toes and that's what Caroline did."
5 June
Who?
Lucky Diamond, Guinness world record holder for most photographs with celebrities. For a dog.
How?
Spleen cancer
The Legacy:
Animal rescue and welfare advocate, best-selling author, TV personality and Founder/Editor of Animal Fair Media Inc, Wendy Diamond, adopted the ‘energetic and charismatic’ Maltese Lucky in 1999. Wendy attended countless charitable events, always accompanied by her Lucky. She started photographing Lucky during interviews, as well as at charity, animal and political events to document her dog's life.
She launched a column featuring photographs of Lucky with celebrities showcasing worthy causes and her rescued dog questionable titled ‘Who Got Lucky?’
Lucky's list of celebrity pictures includes Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Kim Kardashian, Maria Sharapova, Kanye West, Betty White, Richard Branson, Barbara Walters, Hoda Kotb, Amanda Bynes, Cloris Leachman, Kelly Ripa, Kathy Griffin, Hugh Hefner, Jessica Biel, Adrian Brody, Hugh Grant, Kristen Stewart and Chace Crawford.
So keep working hard and studying hard, knowing that you might never meet the president, but a Maltese terrier owned by a socialite animal welfare advocate has. AMERICA FTW!
8 June
Who?
Sam Drucker, aka Frank Cady
How?
Cause unknown
The Legacy:
Known as the storekeeper in Petticoat Junction, Green Acres, and The Beverly Hillbillies, Cady played Drucker for nearly a decade as a straight man to those three shows’ colorful characters.
Originally studying journalism, Cady changed his path in college, after writing a skit for his fraternity in the annual student musical show, the Big Game Gaieties.
The call of gaiety spurted on, and once Cady graduated, he embarked on an acting career, retiring in 1990 after reprising his role as Drucker for the misleadingly-titled non-horror movie, Return to Green Acres.
11 June
Who?
Wayne Roberts, better known as Stay High 149
How?
Liver Disease
The Legacy:
A pioneer in 1970s graffiti art, Roberts’ signature was a smoking version of the stick figure from 60s TV series The Saint. Raised in the Bronx, by his late teens he was working as a messenger on Wall Street and smoking about an ounce of marijuana a week, thus the ‘Stay High’ moniker
His job meant he rode empty trains a lot, and, carrying a marker in his pocket, would tag up to 100 subway carriages a day, and even more at night. He was arrested in 1973, after a New York magazine did a feature on him that showed his face. Police at his arrested said he was ‘a gentleman’.
By the early 80s the drugs started to wear on him. He left his job and his wife, and for 20 years he was a ‘functional junkie’, in and out of prison for ‘stupid little things’, says Chris Pape, a younger graffiti writer and co-author of Roberts’s biography.
In 2000, a chance encounter with another early graffiti writer made Roberts realize the extent of his fanbase: At an exhibition in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, he was mobbed by autograph seekers. At another show, he had to duck out the back door because of the crowds. He cleaned himself up and began to write graffiti again. New versions of the Smoker started appearing.
3 July
Who?
Andy Griffith, Matlock
How?
Heart attack, aged 86
The Legacy:
Andy came to fame as the much-loved star of the unimaginatively named Andy Griffith Show, where he played a benevolent and wise sheriff. Ron Howard played his son, Opie.
After a short absence from our screens, Griffith returned as the benevolent and wise attorney Ben Matlock, known to us all as Grampa Simpson’s favorite.
But there’s a dark side to Griffith. He lived and is now buried on Roanoake Island, the site of America’s most enduring mystery – the disappearance of the first colony.
Griffith was buried in his family cemetery there, WITHIN FIVE HOURS OF HIS DEATH. That’s creepy. What’s going on? This seems like a case for Ron Howard’s other dad, the wise and benevolent Tom Bosley. Wait – he’s dead too? WHAT’S GOING ON? SERIOUSLY.
12 June
Who?
The Real Life Henry Hill (not Ray Liotta), New York City mobster.
How?
Complications from longtime heart problems related to smoking
The Legacy:
You’ve all seen Goodfellas. It was pretty much that. With an old-age spent waiting out the clock, participating in miscellaneous shady dealings and watching The Sopranos. No, really. He never missed an episode http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/14/nyregion/henry-hill-mobster-of-goodfellas-dies-at-69.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all>. There goes all our candy-ass self-reassurance that The Soppranos is all an outlandish, made-up boogeymen tale invented to keep folks straight.
24 June
Who?
Gad Beck, gay holocaust survivor
How?
Natural causes
The Legacy:
Beck stole a Hitler Youth uniform and marched gay-ly and jewish-ly right into a deportation centre to free his boyfriend, Manfred Lewin
So the next time you feel like Ghandi for calling your mom and letting her talk at you for 45 goddamn minutes about her crafternoon quilting session with her friend Judy who’s son is a dentist but he’s not happy, remember the risks and sacrifices some make for loved ones, you selfish prick.
24 June
Who?
Lonesome George, the rarest creature in the world
How?
Unknown causes
The Legacy:
Hundreds of thousands of the rare giant tortoises once inhabited George’s island home, in a remote archipelago 600 miles off the Ecuadorean mainland. It was once dubbed the "Isles of the Tortoises." Then pirates came and slaughtered them for their sweet, delicious tortoise meat. Then hunters decided tortoise oil was good for lamps.
Weighing over 200 pounds and said to be at least 100 years old
George’s minders were desperate for baby Georges, offering a $10,000 reward for a lady-George, matchmaking him with four similar breeds of tortoise, and Sveva Grigioni, a 26-year-old Swiss zoology graduate student, even tried giving him a handy
16 July
Who?
Stephen Covey, author of 'The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People'.
How?
Fell off his bike, aged 79. (Is cycling one of the habits?)
The Legacy:
Covey is the author of 'The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People', one of the most popular self-help books of all time, having sold more than 25 million copies.
You’re probably wondering what the titular “Seven Habits” are. Perhaps you’re also curious about what exactly constitutes a “Highly Effective Person”. Is it someone who can string together fifty kills in a row on Vigilante Mode in Grand Theft Auto III? Seems pretty effective. Is playing Grand Theft Auto one of the habits? (Hint: no).
Indeed, Covey’s definition of a “Highly Effective Person” is probably debatable – dude was one of those super-Mormons with nine kids and more than fifty grand-children. If you do a little reading into the history of Joseph Smith and Mormonism, you’ll figure out that one of the seven habits is probably “choose to believe in complete horseshit.”
16 July
Who?
Lance LeGault, TV bad guy to end all TV bad guys
How?
Not specified – age 77
The Legacy:
If you watched TV in the eighties, and one of the TV shows you watched had like a bad guy who was in the military – congratulations! You know who Lance LeGault is.
LeGault played bad guy Colonel Decker in the A-Team. He played bad guy Colonel "Buck" Greene in Magnum PI. He played three DIFFERENT bad guys in Airwolf. He was even bad guy Colonel Glass in Stripes. He worked with John Candy, Tom Selleck and Mr T. Does it get any better?
It does – LeGault actually started out as Elvis’ stunt double and is famously known for having a voice “four octaves lower than God.”
He also appeared in the original Battlestar Galactica, The Incredible Hulk, Wonder Woman, Buck Rogers, TJ Hooker and… of course… MacGuyver. < http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0499223/>
14 August
Who?
Horshak, aka Ron Palillo
How?
Heart attack
The Legacy:
More than anything, it’s a cautionary tale: Palillo himself is quoted as saying: “He
Reports that a ‘Kotter curse’ has begun are unfounded... but Robert Hegyes, who played Jewish/Puerto Rican hustler Juan Epstein, died in January, also from an apparent heart attack. He was 60.
23 August
Who?
The Count! Jerry Nelson
How?
Emphysema
The Legacy:
For over 40 years, Nelson gave voice to not only The Count, (still best vampire for maths, NO THANK YOU TWILIGHT) but Herry Monster, Fat Blue, Sherlock Hemlock, the Amazing Mumford, Sgt. Floyd Pepper, Robin, Gono Fraggle, Marjory the Trash Heap, and many other characters that made us near defecate with excitement in our childhood. Or fear, in the case of that fucking, fucking trash heap.
He was also the booming voiceover artist for Furry dramady, Piiiiigs Iiiin Spaaaaaace.
20 September
Who?
Charlie Richardson, British mobster
How?
Not specified – age 78
The Legacy:
Charlie Richardson was the oldest of the Richardson Brothers, kingpins of the Richardson Gang, who ran rampant in London in the 60s. < http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-19658589>
Some of you may be aware that some of the 20th century’s most notorious gangsters ended up going to jail for relatively ‘minor’ crimes. Al Capone, for example, was eventually locked up for tax evasion. Richardson’s own brother was sent away for ‘affray’. Charlie Richardson was different. Charlie got charged with torture.
Charlie loved torturing geezers like Garfield loves lasagna. His favorite methods were nailing blokes to the floor (yes, you read that correctly), as well as cutting off fingers and toes with a bolt-cutter. < http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/obituaries/9556430/Charles-Richardson.html>
Back in the day, “taking a shirt from Charlie” became synonymous with torture – coz Charlie always made sure his victims were given a clean shirt to go home in (because their own shirt had become too blood-stained).
Is it just us, or is that mixture of brutality and good hosting AWESOME?
6 October
Who?
Sheriff John, aka John Rovick
How?
After a brief illness
The Legacy:
In 1953, "Cartoon Time" with Sheriff John became an immediate hit with the well-groomed children of functioning alcoholics of the time. The Sheriff stayed on the air until 1970, gaining many fans, including popular 90s zany haircut Michael Richards
In the daily ‘birthday’ segment, Sheriff John would read dozens and dozens of childrens’ names, then sing the Birthday Song.
18 October
Who?
Emmanuel, aka Sylvia Kristel
How?
Put it this way: She was a heavy smoker of unfiltered cigarettes from the age of 11. ELEVEN. It’s not disturbing, it’s French.
The Legacy:
The movie Emmanuel was a serious, frank exploration of a sexually promiscuous housewife's boobies. Released in 1974, the soft-focus French film was one of the first erotic movies to be shown in mainstream cinemas.
Kristel went on to star in several Emmanuel sequels, since a French model’s boobs really do have that much to say. She also starred in other saucefests like Lady Chatterly’s Lover and Mata Hari
Educated in a convent, she fled at 17 to become a model. At 21, she won Miss TV Holland and Miss TV Europe
After that, her boyfriend managed to look her in the eye long enough to suggest she try acting. While intending to go to a casting call for a soap powder commercial, Kristel stumbled upon the auditions for Emmanuel next door and the rest is hot, naked history.
20 October
Who?
Paul Kurtz, The Father of Secular Humanism
How?
A vengeful god. lol jks, he was 86.
The Legacy:
Founder of Prometheus books, Kurtz founded several organizations focused on spreading skepticism, reason, Humanism, and just common fucking sense
RIP, Mr Kurtz angels are - wait, no they’re not. May your legacy, your decades of work in promoting reason, and the minds you shaped in your academic career
5 November
Who?
Computer programmer Denis Avner. AKA Stalking Cat, body modification enthusiast < http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stalking_Cat >
How?
Suspected suicide.
The Legacy:
<
23 November
Who?
Major Tony Nelson and husband of Jeannie, Larry Hagman
How?
Complications from throat cancer. (He was a very public advocate of marijuana use over alcohol. Jack Nicholson introduced him to it, but not before David Crosby gave him his first LSD trip. Dude was connected). < http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Larry_Hagman >
The Legacy:
Hagman has two legacies: He was JR in Dallas, (with promotional product JR EWING beer, using the slogan: ‘if you have to ask how much this beer costs, you probably can't afford it’.) The other legacy was his time as most boring, limp character in all of TV history. Come on, he was married to an obscenely, painfully hot woman with magic powers who called him “master” and yet all he could do about it was have a massive sook when she, like, magiced a camel into the living room. Fuck you, Major Nelson.
9 December
Who?
Sir Patrick Moore, amateur astronomer, self-taught xylophone player, pianist, amateur cricketer, golfer and chess player, and writer of both fiction and popular science. Also, longest-running TV presenter: he presented The Sky At Night on the BBC every month from 1957 to 2012, but for one episode (bad goose egg, food poisoning). < http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patrick_Moore>
How?
After a long illness
The Legacy:
On April Fools' Day 1976, Moore announced a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event that meant that if listeners jumped at that exact moment, 9.47 a.m. they would experience a temporary sensation of weightlessness. The BBC then received scores of calls from listeners claiming to have experienced the sensation. < http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patrick_Moore >
He was also a bit of a sexist dick (he once claimed the BBC was being ‘ruined by women’,
Lisa-Skye is an Australian comedian. Check out her showpony barking on Twitter or Facebook.
Paul Rasche is the author of the bizarre Smudgy In Monsterland, which you should probably buy - from here
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