Today: Sean Connery (sort of), Morgan Freeman (sort of) and Darth Vader (sort of), gorilla soap opera stars, dogs old and tall.
August 7: The Tallest Dog in the World.
Who:
Gibson, a Great Dane. On his hind legs, he stood seven fucking feet, one inch tall and weighed 180 pounds.
How:
Cancer.
The Legacy:
Breeders try to beat the record until dogs are the size of horses, and they enslave humanity, a la Planet of the Apes. Your next boss is a poodle with Short Man Syndrome.
August 12: The Nazi Wrestler
Who: Karl Von Hess. A professional wrestling ‘heel’ (bad guy) Von Hess’s villain gimmick was that of a Nazi sympathizer. You know, for yucks.
Audiences were so convinced of the gimmick that fans tried to stab, burn, and shoot at him. People get so weird about Nazis.
Pictured: Laffs a’Plenty
This hilarious shtick grew old, and by the early 1960s he gradually stopped wrestling with the WWWF.
How:
Alzheimer’s disease.
The Legacy:
The WWE’s in a slump. Perhaps more racially-charged villains are needed. Throw in a fake Klansman or two, a neo-Nazi skinhead and, we don’t know, a wrester based on Bin Laden. It’s a sound artistic decision for the modern age.
August 18: The Kinky Munitions Analyst
Who:
Jack McGeorge: Marine; Secret Service Specialist; Naughty, Naughty Boy.
Some men have secret lives. They climb the ladder in their chosen industry, spend years getting to the highest rank of their field, only to have it all come crashing down when it’s discovered they like hookers, or other men, or, we don’t know, fucking slinkys.
But not Jack McGeorge. He just figured, fuck it, I’m awesome at talking about the weaponization of biological and chemical agents, and I like leather. What are ya gonna do about it, tie me up? I dare ya. No, really, go on, I dare ya. Mmmmm…
McGeorge never lived in the closet. His full name appeared on many leather fancier websites, and talked about his interest in BDSM in the media. In 2002, the Washington Post publicized his part in the BDSM community, and McGeorge offered his resignation to Hans Blix, who refused to accept it. Possibly because at the time, McGeorge may have been wielding a foot-long spiked paddle and a bullwhip.
How:
Complications from open heart surgery. Bet you thought it was gonna be something dirty, didn’t you?
The Legacy:
More politicians coming out about their kink. Cross-dressing congressmen, spanking senators and Twinkie-fucking mayors.
August 28: The World’s Oldest Dog
Who: At the ripe old age of 21, Chanel, American female Daschund, was recognized by the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s oldest dog.
In her later years, Chanel wore tinted goggles for her cataracts, sweaters for the cold, and was transported in a stroller, because, at 147 years old, fuck walking.
How:
From being 21.
The Legacy:
Desperate owners resorting to scarves, walking sticks and prosthetic limbs to beat the record with their living cadaver pets.
September 2: Sean Connery, Morgan Freeman and Darth Vader
Who: Tibor Kristóf, Hungarian voice actor.
Kristóf did the Hungarian voices for many popular English-speaking films. He was seen fit to provide the voices for Sean Connery, Morgan Freeman and Darth motherfucking Vader among others, including Tony Curtis, Gregory Peck, Richard Burton, Paul Newman, Gene Hackman, Denzel Washington, Laurence Olivier, Chalton Heston and Charles Bronson. We’re pretty sure that this guy’s voice was so manly, when he spoke all ladies in earshot fell pregnant.
How:
Unknown. Perhaps he went for a swim and the weight of his massive balls pulled him under.
The Legacy:
A nation weeps as the man with surely the sexiest voice in Hungary is bid goodbye.
September 14: The Gorilla King
Who:
Titus, a one-Gorilla soap opera. He was observed in his natural habitat from 1974.
After Titus’ father was killed by poachers, another silverback, Beetsme, tried to take control of his group. Beetsme killed an infant female, the rest of the females left in protest and Titus, by now suffering severe daddy abandonment issues, lived with Beetsme in a ‘bachelor group’ for eight years, just Titus, Beetsme and a bunch of dudes.
They were lovers for a while, until five females joined the group and Beetsme decided he was into gorilla vagina again, and drove off the rest of the males, possibly because they still had Polaroids of Beetsme in pink gogo boots.
Beetsme had a slew of hot gorilla ladies, some of whom Titus began to hump in secret. He became the youngest gorilla babydaddy in recorded history, kept up with the secret mating, and in 1991 became top dog. However, Beetsme still subscribed to a ‘bros before hos’ philosophy, so continued to be Titus’ number two man until his death in 2001.
Titus sure liked the man-gorilla-on-lady-gorilla sex. He had so much of it, that by 2004 he controlled the largest gorilla group in the world. However, by 30, his oldest son, Kuryama, was getting all up in his gorilla grills, which led to Titus biting a female after she was caught mating with Kuryama in secret. Who knew gorillas liked to secret-mate so much?
There were some turf wars, the group split into Team Titus and Team Kuryama, then after a year they all reunited, Titus having retired his leadership peacefully. Reports show that Kuryama wasn’t a dick about it.
How:
At 35, after a short illness.
The Legacy:
Fortunately, ‘he who mates most is the leader’ doesn’t happen in the human world, lest our world leaders start to resemble Wilt Chamberlain and Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel. Although look out for new Primate-based soaps, The Bold and the Baboon-tiful, Apes of Our Lives and One Lemur to Live. (note: I'm pretty sure it was this exact, awful pun, not the length, that got it dropped from the Cracked version)
October 5: The Inventor of the Mouse
Who:
René Sommer, co-inventor of the computer mouse.
How:
Unknown.
The Legacy:
This guy invents a gadget that everyone uses every single day, and he gets 89 words in Wikipedia. Meanwhile, Ewoks, a fucking fictional race of teddy bears, get nearly 600. Fuck you, popular culture.
October 19: The Guy Who Just Fucking Lost it One Day
Who:
Howard Unruh, American spree killer.
A shy, reclusive guy, Unruh was said to be a ‘Mama’s Boy’ and was the target of teasing from local youths. He never got along with his neighbors. He eventually started a diary, detailing all imagined slights and everything he thought they said about him. After a few names, was ‘retal.’, short for ‘retaliate’. On September 6, 1949, Unruh killed 13 people.
He arrived home from a movie at 3am to find the front gate he had recently built was stolen. He slept til 8am, dressed in his best suit, fought with his mother over breakfast, and went out to do a bit of random killing.
How:
At 88, after a long illness. His last public words were ‘I'd have killed a thousand if I had bullets enough’, showing that decades in a facility for the criminally insane doesn’t take the douchebag out of someone.
The Legacy:
No one steals gates anymore.
A Bad Year for Horses
Who: Every race horse ever.
Cryptoclearance, Gigolo FRH, Summer Squall, Fine Cotton, Alysheba, Beach Towel, Lil E. Tee, Sunline, and Exotic Dancer.
How:
Horse-related complications.
The Legacy: When doing the research for this article, I was shocked at what a bad year this was for racehorses. I learned two things: 1. Racehorses have stupid names, and 2. Don’t be a racehorse.
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