When doing the research I found waaaaay more deaths that we could possibly include, so today and tomorrow I'll be publishing the 'deleted scenes': the ones that didn't quite make it.
Today: Eagle women, unfortunate coincidences, bastard chimpanzees. Shemales, hipsters, carp.
January 4: The Former President’s Former Cat
Who:
India, George W. Bush’s black cat.
The cat lived with the bushes for nearly two decades, first in the Texas Governor’s Mansion in Austin, and then at the White House.
Being a black cat named India came with some controversy: in 2004 protestors in the Indian state of Kerala burned an effigy of Bush in unfortunate-cat-name-induced rage. Though the cat was actually named for Ruben ‘El Indio’ Sierra, a Texas Rangers baseball player from when Bush owned the team.
How:
Cause of death unknown. And we’re certainly not saying that it was anything to do with Bush’s rage about having to move out of the White House sixteen days from India’s January 4th death. Nor are we inferring that it was a kitty suicide when India realized she’d have to move back to Texas.
The Legacy:
Black cats remain unlucky. The Obama’s puppy, Bo, sleeps with one eye open.
January 13: The woman with the army of eagles
Who:
Joan Keene, aka The Eagle Lady.
Keene was a former rodeo trick rider who lived in Homer, Alaska.
Shortly after she moved to Alaska, she saw two bald-headed eagles and tossed some leftover fish to them. A decade later, she was feeding over two hundred of the big guys, stockpiling fish scraps donated from local companies. And if she ever caught wind of a dead moose on the highway, that fucker’d be sliced up and on the specials board at Chez Eagle Diner by lunchtime.
Every day, she would drive a forklift from her job at a fish processing facility, deliver it to her motor home and then cut up the freezer-burned fish into fist-sized chunks for the eagles. If it was still frozen, she’d take an axe, chainsaw or motherfucking blowtorch to it. All up, it was three hours in the day, and about 50,000 pounds of fish a year, for some snooty, ungrateful guys in tuxedos.
Stock Photo.
In 1986 she told the Anchorage Daily News ‘I don't know if anyone else would do this. My motorhome smells like fish. My yard is fish. My truck is fish. I am fish. It gets kind of gross sometimes, especially when you're handling a lot of slimy carcasses’. And fellas, she was single.
How:
Respiratory condition. Whether it was caused by Bird Fancier’s Lung (no, really, it’s a thing) is unconfirmed.
The Legacy:
Since Alaska hates nature and everything about it, straight after Keene died the city of Homer passed a law prohibiting feeding predatory birds.
January 18: The Robot from Lost in Space
Who:
Bob May, the man inside the ‘bot (the voice of the robot died in 2004). He appeared inside the robot for all 83 episodes, but sadly, not in the 1998 movie, as he no longer fit inside the suit. But in the good ol’ days, he loved the suit so much that he called it a ‘home away from home’ and wore it all day while filming. During lunch, through smoke breaks, and possibly through giving groupies a seeing-to in his trailer [citation needed].
How:
Congestive heart failure.
The Legacy:
We’re cheated of his possibly-robosexual memoires, Deep Inside the Robot.
February 12: 9/11 Steering Committee Member Dies in Plane Crash
Who:
Beverley Eckert, advocate for those affected by 9/11.
How:
Commuter aircraft accident
The Legacy:
There’s no joke here, we just thought it was a very, very unfortunate coincidence. Like how Sylvia Plath’s 47-year-old biologist son committed suicide on March 16 this year. Death has a morbid sense of humor sometimes.
February 16: The Biggest Jerk to Ever be Called ‘Chimpanzee’
Who:
Travis, a male Chimpanzee actor with an axe to grind. Possibly because his owners named him ‘Travis’.
Travis appeared in many commercials and TV shows, including a TV pilot starring Sheryl Crowe and Michael Moore (which we assume was called The WTF Hour).
You think monkeys are cool? They’re cunts. ‘Oh, look, Travis is feeding the horses/brushing his teeth/playing baseball’ you hear. You don’t hear, ‘Oh, look! Travis bit and then tried to drag a woman into the car with him in 1996, oh, look, it’s 2003 and Travis is running after a man in a car, blood on his monkey mind.’
How:
Shot, after attacking Charla Nash, a friend of his keeper, who lost her eyes, nose, face and fucking hands.
The Legacy:
A new law prohibiting people from owning exotic pets of Travis’ size.
February 20: Another Type of Presidential Pussy for Clinton
Who: Socks the Cat, pet of the Clinton family during Bill’s time in office.
This year was a bad one for ex-president’s cats. Socks was the principal White House pet until they acquired Buddy, a Labrador. Socks ‘despised Buddy’ and when Clinton vacated the White House, they took Buddy with them, and Socks stayed with Clinton’s secretary.
How:
Cancer, at age 20.
The Legacy:
A 1998 book by Hilary Clinton, called Dear Socks, Dear Buddy: Kids’ Letters to the First Pets, in which we see over 50 letters children have written to the President’s fucking pets. Kids are retarded.
March 29: Lorne
Who:
Andy Hallett, the crooner who captured the hearts of nerds and fanboys worldwide with his portrayal of Lorne in the TV series Angel.
Originally the PA for Joss Whedon’s wife, the couple were so blown away by his voice that Joss wrote a character for him on his new show, Angel.
How:
Congestive heart failure.
The Legacy:
Scores of nerds flock to LA karaoke bars to drink to Lorne’s memory. In return, karaoke bars forced to purchase instrumental versions of Once More with Feeling for their new regulars. Old regulars forced to listen to off-key versions of I’ll Never Tell on a loop.
June 23: I Am My Own Patient
Who:
Jerri Nielsen, an American physician stationed at the South Pole.
Nielsen developed breast cancer at a time when her station was physically cut off from the rest of the world. So she did what anyone would have done: operated on herself to extract tissue samples for analysis.
When it was confirmed as breast cancer, she underwent self-administered chemotherapy. She went into remission and was brought back to the United States.
How:
Several years later, the cancer came back, and she eventually died form complications from a brain tumor.
The Legacy:
With the cost of healthcare growing, her autobiography Ice Bound: A Doctor’s Incredible Story may make a handy how-to guide for home procedures.
June 30: The Spy Who Shagged Me
Who:
Shi Pei Pu, spy and shemale.
A Chinese opera singer, Shi had a 20-year long affair with a French Embassy worker, Bernard Boursicot. Shi convinced Boursicot he was a woman, even going as far as buying a ‘son’ from a poor villager.
When Boursicot first met Shi, he was dressed as a man. Shi told him he was actually a woman, forced to live as a man to satisfy his father’s wish for a son. Their sexual relationship was maintained ‘quickly and in darkness’, and Boursicot was convinced Shi was a woman. Boursicot arranged for Shi and their ‘son’, Shi Du Du, to be brought to Paris, where Shi was busted for being a spy. And having a penis.
When the story broke, Boursicot slit his throat, but survived.
How:
After a long illness.
The Legacy:
More men insisting on having sex with the lights on. All the way on.
July 13: King of the Hipsters
Who:
Dash Snow, Artist and Trustafarian.
Snow was heir to a limitless fortune, and as such was able to flee his parents in his early teens to live on the streets. Some of Snow’s more infamous pieces feature newspapers splashed with his own semen, and Polaroids of his hipster friends getting fucked up.
Also, he named his daughter Secret Magic Nico.
How:
Drug overdose.
The Legacy:
The art world can’t decide whether he was the Kurt Cobain or Paris Hilton of contemporary American art. Either way, fellow hipsters are going to have to try even harder to be shocking in their never ending exploitation of sex, drugs and violence. Sorry, Vice Magazine.
July: Britain’s Favorite Fish
Who:
Benson, ‘Britain’s biggest and best-loved carp’. Known as ‘The People’s Fish’, she was voted Britain’s Favorite Carp in 2005, in a tough and incredibly boring poll. Britain loved her so much, that she was caught 63 times over 13 years. Because to the British, ‘love’ means hooking you by the lip and forcing you up by the spike, to half drown in air, before hurling you back to your home. They’re romantic like that. Also, she was named for a suspicious hole in her fin that looked like a cigarette burn, but was probably just more British ‘love marks’.
How:
Undetermined. At the time of her death, she weighed 64 pounds. Some allege she was accidentally poisoned (or ‘over-loved’) by anglers using uncooked nuts. Others say complications with pregnancy, as she was carrying 300,000 eggs at the time, the filthy whore.
The Legacy:
Britain must find a new fish to inflict their love on.
More tomorrow!
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