I'm performing/co-MCing this event for midsumma. Come along!
I'm doing a new metronome piece that's a bit awkward, and also a bit of a spoken word manifesto. For something very unlikely. 'Read More' for info and links...
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Wednesday, 26 January 2011
Monday, 27 December 2010
Where Aren’t They Now? Overlooked Deaths of 2010 - Deleted Scenes Part 2 of 2
By Lisa-Skye Ioannidis, Nicholas Rasche and Paul Rasche
Considering the last six months of 2010 started with getting hit by a car, then included full time work, producing and preforming an eight-show Melbourne Fringe season, a month in Beijing and then some collarbone surgery, I got two co-writers in to help me out with the writing for this one.
I did the research and some of the jokes, they did the rest of the write up. The Rasche brothers are two of the funniest guys I've ever met, and working with them was a joy (Nick I've done three shows with in the past, and Paul has made me laugh til I can't breathe on many an occasion. He's also an astounding artist and has designed my 2011 tattoo).
Here's the original article on Cracked.
And here's the first 14.
After the jump, the last 14 of the deleted scenes!
July 5: Co-Founder of Greenpeace
Who: Jim Bohlen
How: Harpooned by Japanese fisherman/clear-felled to make way for cattle grazing land for MacDonalds/when you got to go, you got to go, man.
The legacy: Originally an engineer who worked on the Atlas ICBM missile program, he saw the error of his ways and moved to Canada, setting a precedent thousands of disillusioned US voters in 1968, 1972, 1980, 1984, 1988, 2000 and 2004 would fail to follow. In addition to being one of the original founders of Greenpeace, Bohlen ran unsuccessfully for election for the Green Party, setting a much more successful precedent that endures to this day.
July 15: Speed Racer
Who: Peter Fernandez, the man who introduced America to Speed Racer
How: Lung Cancer
The Legacy: Peter Fernandez was a voice actor and director with a career stretching over 40 years, but he is best known for his involvement with the anime series ‘Speed Racer’, for which he was the co-writer, voice director and translator for the English language version of the theme song. He was a key figure in the introduction of Japanese anime to English language audiences, earning the gratitude of animation fans/perverts across the world. His spirit is currently either being serviced by round-eyed schoolgirls with impossible huge breasts or subjected to an eternity of tentacle rape. We’re hoping both.
July 24: 31st Richest Person in the World (Not Anymore)
WHO: Theo Albrecht, a man catering to both yuppies and bargain-hunting scavengers alike: he was past owner of both Aldi and Trader Joe's. Theo was kidnapped for 17 days in 1971. He was 49 at the time. A $4.67 million ransom was paid for his release, proving terrorism works.
HOW: Cause unknown.
The Legacy: After the kidnapping, Albrecht became a fiercely private man. The last published photo of him dates to 1971, one day after his kidnapping. In a world where billionaires compete with each other to accumulate the most friends of Facebook, that’s kind of refreshing. And if you grabbed Mark Zuckerberg and held him in a pit in your basement for three weeks, you’d be bound to get more than 4 million.
[Pic: Mark Zuckerberg. Caption: Maybe not]
July 28: Oldest person on both Facebook and Twitter
Who: Ivy Bean
How: Liver failure.
The Legacy:
What does a 104 year old tweet about? 'brb have to go spend an hour in the bathroom expelling my weekly bowel movement - twit pics to follow'? 'Woke up. Good. Hip hurts. Bad.' Actually, she 'discussed her life in a care home, her favorite meal, and episodes of Deal or No Deal she had seen'. So even better. And 56,000 followers on Twitter ate that shit up. Just think of that next time you labor over a pithy bon mot for your 23 followers.
August 30: The Jell-o Wid-o
Who: Lynn Turner
How: Suicide
The Legacy:
A former 911 operator, Turner just wouldn't stop poisoning the people she boned for the sweet, sweet life insurance: both her husband and her boyfriend succumbed to her delicious Jell-O, the secret ingredient in which was antifreeze. Hell hath no fury like a gold digger with access to hoof-based desserts.
August 31: Angry Neighbour
WHO: You think you have earnest neighbors? Vale Franklin Brito, the most passionate yet
HOW: Hunger strike, rising from a dispute over land. The Venezuelan government may not have been completely on the level here, but the fact remains this dude starved himself to death for some farmland. In 2010, not 1210.
The Legacy: You know that guy in the apartment next to you who complains about you ‘thumping around’ making all that noise? Meanwhile you’re in your padded boots on your pillow rug, barely making contact with the floor? Slide Brito’s Wiki entry under his door, cancel his subscription to Pizza Monthly and await the solution.
September 14: Creator of 'The Club' Car Lock
Who: James E Winner Jr
How: Car accident
The legacy: Born in 1929 to a poor farming family, Winner Jr gained immortality as the inventor of ‘The Club’, although mechanic Charles Johnson who worked on the device claimed credit as co-creator in a bitter and long-running lawsuit settled in 1993 for a sum reportedly over $10 million. Winner Jr died when his SUV inexplicably veered across the divider into oncoming traffic. Witnesses describe him struggling to turn the steering wheel, which seemed to be fixed in place with a long metal bar of some description. Charles Johnson was nowhere to be seen, thank you very much.
September 20: Mr Nul Point
Who: Fud Leclerc
How:
The Legacy:
If Eurovision is the world cup, American Idol is your nephew's 'special school' little league match. It's been around since 1956 and 51 countries have competed. That's not to say it doesn’t have its dark side. And Leclerc's last Eurovision (of four) was the zenith: his was the first song to receive 'nul points' - zero, zilch, nothing. It was this song, Ton Nom (‘Your Name’) - a classy, mostly harmless little ditty that was savaged by every voter in every single European country. That’s right, countries with a history of hating each other so intensely that an estimated 45% of the continent consists of mass graves and unexploded military ordinance agreed as one that this song was the worst thing any of them had heard, EVER.
Leclerc represented Belgium four times, with mixed results. But after the shame of 1962 his career went the natural way of the failed singer. He became a building contractor.
September 23: The Original Crocodile Hunter
Who: Malcolm Douglas
How: Car accident
The legacy: An Australian crocodile hunter, conservationist and TV documentarian who wasn’t Steve Irwin, which leads us to believe Australian vocational tests have a whole section on this. Can you wrestle a 6-meter prehistoric reptilian killing machine, hit your mark for the cameraman and still remember your catchphrase? If so, bad luck, a dozen Australian guys have already applied for the job.
Douglas was killed in a car accident in his own Wilderness Park. Police were unsure of the cause of the accident, so we have to assume he was attempting to take a corner at 120mph while extracting a sore tooth from a fully grown crocodile without anesthetic. Reports noted he had previously battled prostate cancer, as a result of which prostate cancer has been extinct in Australia since 2004.
Also, having his heyday in the 80s, Douglas’ shorts were way – WAY – shorter than Irwin’s.
October 16-19: America’s Mom and Dad
Who: Barbara Billingsley and Tom Bosley
How: Polymyalgia and heart failure
The legacy: The Beaver’s mom and Richie Cunningham’s dad in 4 days? If you ask us, the mid-term elections should have been postponed at least until March. In a haze of grief, disillusionment and nationwide sense of abandonment, the American people could easily have taken leave of their collective senses and elected a bunch of ignorant nut-jobs. Yeah, we dodged a bullet there.
October 26: That Fucking Octopus
Who: Paul the Octopus. Around the world thousands of people went absolutely crazy-eight retarded for him after he ‘predicted’ correct outcomes to eight matches played in the 2010 world cup. Why they decided to ask marine life for their tips in the first place is best left alone. But let’s just say, those tentacles have been ‘predicting’ things for a while. And by ‘predicting’, we mean ‘filmed for use on Hentai sites’.
How: Octopus-related complications
The Legacy: Who will predict stuff now? Fortunately at Cracked Lab, we’ve developed a manatee that can see through time. Public appearances can be negotiated for a small fee. Email Daniel O’Brian for information.
November 10: Film Producer
WHO: Dino De Laurentiis
HOW: Took a Silver Bullet (1985) from a Shootist (1976) forcing him into the Dead Zone (1983) thus satisfying his Death Wish (1974). Or else it was Hannibal (2001). Or King Kong (1976).
The Legacy: Dubbed ‘Dino de Horrendous’ by critics Harry and Michael Medved in 1980. Produced Evil Dead 2 in 1987. Harry and Michael Medved stripped of critical credibility, driven to remote cabin in the woods and raped to death by demons in 1988. Dino wins.
NOVEMBER 21: Fat Cat
WHO: Prince Chunk, a morbidly obese cat.
HOW: Heart disease brought about by over-consumption of lasagna.
THE LEGACY: Prince Chunk (also known as Princess Chunk, due to the many rolls of fat that obscured his/her genitalia) was found abandoned by Animal Control in 2008. At the time, he/she was alleged to have weighed 44 lb and was trying to find work as a coffee table.
Unfortunately, the Chunk’s legacy will be lost to future generations, as the good folk at Guinness World Records have stopped keeping records of the fattest pets. This is due to concern that that people would force-feed their beloved kitties in an attempt at finding fame. Buzzkill much?
NOVEMBER 30: Yoga Hippie
WHO: Daya Mata
HOW: Relaxed herself to death
THE LEGACY: Daya Mata was born Faye Wright – an old-school Mormon from Utah. Finding that particular old-school wasn’t oldish or schoolish enough for her, she converted to Hinduism back in the 30s (when certain other ‘old-school’ religions weren’t faring so well – see National Socialism). Maya went on to lead the Self-Realization Fellowship for more than 50 years and wrote a bunch of books about how great yoga is, not including “Yoga Bitch”, “Yoga Bitch 2”, “A Pick-a-Nick Basket of Yoga” or “Will You Just Fucking Chill Out For A Second?”
Lisa-Skye Ioannidis is a comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. Find more of her here
Nicholas Rasche is a writer and comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. His work has appeared in numerous print and online journals in Australia, the US and the UK.
Paul Rasche likes smoking.
Read more!
Considering the last six months of 2010 started with getting hit by a car, then included full time work, producing and preforming an eight-show Melbourne Fringe season, a month in Beijing and then some collarbone surgery, I got two co-writers in to help me out with the writing for this one.
I did the research and some of the jokes, they did the rest of the write up. The Rasche brothers are two of the funniest guys I've ever met, and working with them was a joy (Nick I've done three shows with in the past, and Paul has made me laugh til I can't breathe on many an occasion. He's also an astounding artist and has designed my 2011 tattoo).
Here's the original article on Cracked.
And here's the first 14.
After the jump, the last 14 of the deleted scenes!
July 5: Co-Founder of Greenpeace
Who: Jim Bohlen
How: Harpooned by Japanese fisherman/clear-felled to make way for cattle grazing land for MacDonalds/when you got to go, you got to go, man.
The legacy: Originally an engineer who worked on the Atlas ICBM missile program, he saw the error of his ways and moved to Canada, setting a precedent thousands of disillusioned US voters in 1968, 1972, 1980, 1984, 1988, 2000 and 2004 would fail to follow. In addition to being one of the original founders of Greenpeace, Bohlen ran unsuccessfully for election for the Green Party, setting a much more successful precedent that endures to this day.
July 15: Speed Racer
Who: Peter Fernandez, the man who introduced America to Speed Racer
How: Lung Cancer
The Legacy: Peter Fernandez was a voice actor and director with a career stretching over 40 years, but he is best known for his involvement with the anime series ‘Speed Racer’, for which he was the co-writer, voice director and translator for the English language version of the theme song. He was a key figure in the introduction of Japanese anime to English language audiences, earning the gratitude of animation fans/perverts across the world. His spirit is currently either being serviced by round-eyed schoolgirls with impossible huge breasts or subjected to an eternity of tentacle rape. We’re hoping both.
July 24: 31st Richest Person in the World (Not Anymore)
WHO: Theo Albrecht, a man catering to both yuppies and bargain-hunting scavengers alike: he was past owner of both Aldi and Trader Joe's. Theo was kidnapped for 17 days in 1971. He was 49 at the time. A $4.67 million ransom was paid for his release, proving terrorism works.
HOW: Cause unknown.
The Legacy: After the kidnapping, Albrecht became a fiercely private man. The last published photo of him dates to 1971, one day after his kidnapping. In a world where billionaires compete with each other to accumulate the most friends of Facebook, that’s kind of refreshing. And if you grabbed Mark Zuckerberg and held him in a pit in your basement for three weeks, you’d be bound to get more than 4 million.
[Pic: Mark Zuckerberg. Caption: Maybe not]
July 28: Oldest person on both Facebook and Twitter
Who: Ivy Bean
How: Liver failure.
The Legacy:
What does a 104 year old tweet about? 'brb have to go spend an hour in the bathroom expelling my weekly bowel movement - twit pics to follow'? 'Woke up. Good. Hip hurts. Bad.' Actually, she 'discussed her life in a care home, her favorite meal, and episodes of Deal or No Deal she had seen'. So even better. And 56,000 followers on Twitter ate that shit up. Just think of that next time you labor over a pithy bon mot for your 23 followers.
August 30: The Jell-o Wid-o
Who: Lynn Turner
How: Suicide
The Legacy:
A former 911 operator, Turner just wouldn't stop poisoning the people she boned for the sweet, sweet life insurance: both her husband and her boyfriend succumbed to her delicious Jell-O, the secret ingredient in which was antifreeze. Hell hath no fury like a gold digger with access to hoof-based desserts.
August 31: Angry Neighbour
WHO: You think you have earnest neighbors? Vale Franklin Brito, the most passionate yet
HOW: Hunger strike, rising from a dispute over land. The Venezuelan government may not have been completely on the level here, but the fact remains this dude starved himself to death for some farmland. In 2010, not 1210.
The Legacy: You know that guy in the apartment next to you who complains about you ‘thumping around’ making all that noise? Meanwhile you’re in your padded boots on your pillow rug, barely making contact with the floor? Slide Brito’s Wiki entry under his door, cancel his subscription to Pizza Monthly and await the solution.
September 14: Creator of 'The Club' Car Lock
Who: James E Winner Jr
How: Car accident
The legacy: Born in 1929 to a poor farming family, Winner Jr gained immortality as the inventor of ‘The Club’, although mechanic Charles Johnson who worked on the device claimed credit as co-creator in a bitter and long-running lawsuit settled in 1993 for a sum reportedly over $10 million. Winner Jr died when his SUV inexplicably veered across the divider into oncoming traffic. Witnesses describe him struggling to turn the steering wheel, which seemed to be fixed in place with a long metal bar of some description. Charles Johnson was nowhere to be seen, thank you very much.
September 20: Mr Nul Point
Who: Fud Leclerc
How:
The Legacy:
If Eurovision is the world cup, American Idol is your nephew's 'special school' little league match. It's been around since 1956 and 51 countries have competed. That's not to say it doesn’t have its dark side. And Leclerc's last Eurovision (of four) was the zenith: his was the first song to receive 'nul points' - zero, zilch, nothing. It was this song, Ton Nom (‘Your Name’) - a classy, mostly harmless little ditty that was savaged by every voter in every single European country. That’s right, countries with a history of hating each other so intensely that an estimated 45% of the continent consists of mass graves and unexploded military ordinance agreed as one that this song was the worst thing any of them had heard, EVER.
Leclerc represented Belgium four times, with mixed results. But after the shame of 1962 his career went the natural way of the failed singer. He became a building contractor.
September 23: The Original Crocodile Hunter
Who: Malcolm Douglas
How: Car accident
The legacy: An Australian crocodile hunter, conservationist and TV documentarian who wasn’t Steve Irwin, which leads us to believe Australian vocational tests have a whole section on this. Can you wrestle a 6-meter prehistoric reptilian killing machine, hit your mark for the cameraman and still remember your catchphrase? If so, bad luck, a dozen Australian guys have already applied for the job.
Douglas was killed in a car accident in his own Wilderness Park. Police were unsure of the cause of the accident, so we have to assume he was attempting to take a corner at 120mph while extracting a sore tooth from a fully grown crocodile without anesthetic. Reports noted he had previously battled prostate cancer, as a result of which prostate cancer has been extinct in Australia since 2004.
Also, having his heyday in the 80s, Douglas’ shorts were way – WAY – shorter than Irwin’s.
October 16-19: America’s Mom and Dad
Who: Barbara Billingsley and Tom Bosley
How: Polymyalgia and heart failure
The legacy: The Beaver’s mom and Richie Cunningham’s dad in 4 days? If you ask us, the mid-term elections should have been postponed at least until March. In a haze of grief, disillusionment and nationwide sense of abandonment, the American people could easily have taken leave of their collective senses and elected a bunch of ignorant nut-jobs. Yeah, we dodged a bullet there.
October 26: That Fucking Octopus
Who: Paul the Octopus. Around the world thousands of people went absolutely crazy-eight retarded for him after he ‘predicted’ correct outcomes to eight matches played in the 2010 world cup. Why they decided to ask marine life for their tips in the first place is best left alone. But let’s just say, those tentacles have been ‘predicting’ things for a while. And by ‘predicting’, we mean ‘filmed for use on Hentai sites’.
How: Octopus-related complications
The Legacy: Who will predict stuff now? Fortunately at Cracked Lab, we’ve developed a manatee that can see through time. Public appearances can be negotiated for a small fee. Email Daniel O’Brian for information.
November 10: Film Producer
WHO: Dino De Laurentiis
HOW: Took a Silver Bullet (1985) from a Shootist (1976) forcing him into the Dead Zone (1983) thus satisfying his Death Wish (1974). Or else it was Hannibal (2001). Or King Kong (1976).
The Legacy: Dubbed ‘Dino de Horrendous’ by critics Harry and Michael Medved in 1980. Produced Evil Dead 2 in 1987. Harry and Michael Medved stripped of critical credibility, driven to remote cabin in the woods and raped to death by demons in 1988. Dino wins.
NOVEMBER 21: Fat Cat
WHO: Prince Chunk, a morbidly obese cat.
HOW: Heart disease brought about by over-consumption of lasagna.
THE LEGACY: Prince Chunk (also known as Princess Chunk, due to the many rolls of fat that obscured his/her genitalia) was found abandoned by Animal Control in 2008. At the time, he/she was alleged to have weighed 44 lb and was trying to find work as a coffee table.
Unfortunately, the Chunk’s legacy will be lost to future generations, as the good folk at Guinness World Records have stopped keeping records of the fattest pets. This is due to concern that that people would force-feed their beloved kitties in an attempt at finding fame. Buzzkill much?
NOVEMBER 30: Yoga Hippie
WHO: Daya Mata
HOW: Relaxed herself to death
THE LEGACY: Daya Mata was born Faye Wright – an old-school Mormon from Utah. Finding that particular old-school wasn’t oldish or schoolish enough for her, she converted to Hinduism back in the 30s (when certain other ‘old-school’ religions weren’t faring so well – see National Socialism). Maya went on to lead the Self-Realization Fellowship for more than 50 years and wrote a bunch of books about how great yoga is, not including “Yoga Bitch”, “Yoga Bitch 2”, “A Pick-a-Nick Basket of Yoga” or “Will You Just Fucking Chill Out For A Second?”
Lisa-Skye Ioannidis is a comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. Find more of her here
Nicholas Rasche is a writer and comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. His work has appeared in numerous print and online journals in Australia, the US and the UK.
Paul Rasche likes smoking.
Read more!
Where Aren’t They Now? Overlooked Deaths of 2010 - Deleted Scenes Part 1
By Lisa-Skye Ioannidis, Nicholas Rasche and Paul Rasche
When I do the research for these articles, there's always a long list of dozens. This year, as per usual, we wrote up nearly 40 deaths, and let Cracked choose the short list.
Being in Australia, I depend on them to pick for relevance, and lack of coverage (along with ones that are just fucking hilarious, like the Owner of Segway industries driving his Segway off a cliff... I mean, come on).
Here's the original article on Cracked.
After the jump, the first 14 of the deleted scenes!
Apparently celebrities considered dying terribly 2009. After a star-studded year of deaths, 2010 had only a few big names to cover; mostly Bs to last year's As.
JD Salinger.
Tony Curtis.
Gary Coleman.
Corey Haim.
Leslie Nielson.
Winston Churchill. Wait, not that one.
Ginny Sacramoni.
But, as per usual, while these celebs hogged the posthumous limelight there were some also-rans who deserve to be honored in the Cracked tradition.
Also, March 7 was a really bad day to be a supercentarian.
JANUARY 8: Gumby’s Dad
WHO: Satanic warlock Art Clokey, creator of Gumby
HOW: Thrown into the pits of hell by Gandalf and Dumbledore.
THE LEGACY: It’s all in the name, people. Art Clokey? ‘Cloak’ means ‘to hide’, so Art Clokey means ‘hidden picture’ – an obvious clue that Gumby is riddled with subliminal messages in a sickening attempt to poison the minds of children the world over.
Gumby’s sidekick is ‘Pokey ‘-a euphemism for prison which also conjures up images of sexual molestation. Gumby’s girlfriend is ‘Goo’, and she shoots blobs which is too nauseating to even go into.
Art was born evil. He caused his parents to divorce when he was 9. A few years later, his father died in a “car accident”. He went to live with his mother and step-father – they barely escaped with their lives and sent Art to an orphanage, where he was eventually adopted by a Sith Overlord who realized Art’s dark potential. It wasn’t long before Art set to work on his plan to destroy the planet through Claymation.
January 10: the 'Daddy-O of Spaghetti Os'.
WHO: Donald Goerke
HOW: Of natural causes in his home.
The Legacy: Goerke worked for the Campbell Soup Company from 1955 to 1990. That’s 35 goddamn years. In a desperate attempt to move to a position in the company where he wouldn’t still be pissing tomato soup 10 years after retirement, he developed ‘Spaghetti Os’ in 1965. He reportedly considered and rejected pasta in the shapes of baseballs, cowboys, spacemen and stars, in favor of the fun-filled, magical 'O' shape. Because why eat astronauts when you can laugh it up with zany fucking circles.
JANUARY 14: Geriatric Canine
WHO: Otto, the world’s oldest dog
HOW: Euthanasia following a cancer diagnosis
THE LEGACY: You might find it heartwarming that Otto, a dachshund-terrier cross from the UK lived so long. But that dog was an ASSHOLE. Otto died just one month shy of his 21st birthday. GOOD. HE DESERVED IT.
January 16: Snr Taco
WHO: Glen Bell, founder of Taco Bell
HOW: Unknown.
The legacy: Glen Bell left the US Marine Corps in 1946, opening his first hot dog stand in 1948. He began selling tacos in 1952. When he sold Taco Bell to PepsiCo in 1978 for $125,000,000, the chain consisted of 868 restaurants and thousands of staff members too slow to get a job at McDonalds. Officially, no cause of Bell’s death was released. However, as Mexico is home to some of the most murderous criminal gangs in the world and Taco Bell is widely recognised as the nation’s foremost provider of bland, tasteless ‘Mexican’ food, we’re guessing ‘revenge’.
[Pic of Danny Trejo, caption: Don’t tell us this guy wasn’t involved]
Jan 11 and Feb 19: Members of Porn’s Hall of Fame
Who: Jamie Gillis and Juliet Anderson.
How: Melanoma and Crohn’s disease
The Legacy: Gillis and Anderson were legends in the field of pornography, which, from what we’ve read, has something to do with having sex on film. Between them, Gillis and Anderson appeared in over 530 films watched for an average of 5-8 minutes each. Around this time, the porn industry also lost Alice Rigby, Judy Callin, Ruby Sapphire, Judy Carr, Aunt Peg, Judy Fallbrook, Al Cianelli, Ronny Morgan, Jamier Kantor and Buster Hymen, which looks like a hardcore holocaust until you realize these were all stage names of Gillis (born Jamey Ira Gurman) and Anderson (born Judith Carr).
The research for this entry was murder.
JANUARY 20: That Crazy Guy with Those Crazy Theories
WHO: Bob Minton, outspoken critic of Scientolo…um…nothing – just plain old Bob Minton
HOW: Assassinated by Tom Cruis….no, actually, he died peacefully in his sleep
THE LEGACY: Bob Minton was one of Scientology’s most ardent critics and spent millions on various lawsuits against the Church. But one night, those kooky Scientologists decided enough was enough and then… nothing happened and everything was OK.
FEBRUARY 9: Inventor of the Frisbee
WHO: Walter Frederick Morrison
HOW: Cause unknown
THE LEGACY: Tiring of his girlfriend’s endless sass, Morrison grabbed something – anything – and threw it at her face. This is how things were done in the 30s. The object happened to be a lid off of a can of popcorn and thus the Frisbee was born. Have you ever spent a lazy afternoon casually tossing some ‘Bee down in the park? If so, you are glorifying domestic violence – WHY DO YOU HATE WOMEN?
FEBRUARY 25: Boner
WHO: Andrew Koenig
HOW: Suicide
THE LEGACY: “Show me that smile again…” From ‘85 through ‘89, Koenig was beloved by us all – BY US ALL – as Boner, Mike’s goofy best friend in the heartwarming smash-hit sitcom Growing Pains. Despite reports to the contrary, it wasn’t the cries of “HEY BONER!” from passing cars that kick-started Koenig’s downward spiral into depression – rather it was the burden of convincing audiences that someone would willingly befriend Kirk Cameron. (Picture of Kirk Cameron. Caption: Except for Jesus!’)
MARCH 30: Father of the ‘Australian Pillow’
WHO: Thomas Angove, inventor of the wine cask
HOW: Complications arising from developing a cube-shaped liver
THE LEGACY: The unsung hero of cheap boozehounds the world over, Angove invented the wine cask (originally known as the “Box O’ Tears”) back in the 60s. For this, he was honored by the Australian Government. Angove will be well remembered for his catchphrase, “If you think you’re too good to drink wine from a cardboard box… uh…well then….hey, look at that dog over there… BLEAAAAGH….fuck ‘em all.”
APRIL 1: Your Savior
WHO: Ed Roberts, computer engineer
HOW: Pneumonia
THE LEGACY: Ed Roberts invented the personal computer. Therefore, Ed Roberts is pretty much solely responsible for the internet. Imagine your porn stash without the contribution of Ed Roberts. Now YOU tell ME what his legacy is.
APRIL 6: The Voice of Jiminy Cricket
WHO: Eddie Carroll
HOW: Brain tumor
THE LEGACY: While the rest of us had that scene from Under Siege on a permanent “watch – rewind – watch again” cycle, Eddie Carroll - Erika Eleniak’s kindly uncle and the voice of beloved insect Jiminy Cricket – could barely stand to see it.
Or could he?
MAY 31: Trivial Pursuer
Q: Along with Scott Abbott, who co-created popular board game Trivial Pursuit?
A: Mustachioed weirdo, Chris Haney. They were playing scrabble, deemed it boring, and over a round of beers came up with the game to get a million trivia nerds barring up.
Q: How did Trivial Pursuit co-creator Chris Haney die?
A: Sorry, we couldn’t be bothered looking that up. Wikipedia just says “a long illness”.
THE LEGACY: In the world before Trivial Pursuit, you would have freaked out if you found a matching set of 6 tiny plastic triangles in your dog’s poop.
Whereas nowadays, you’re more likely to think “How was Fido was able to answer the Arts and Literature question? Who the fuck is Saul Bellow anyway? Oh well, back to combing through this dog shit.”
Thanks Chris!
June 1: World’s Ugliest Dog
WHO: Miss Ellie
HOW: Shame
The legacy: Miss Ellie, a Chinese crested hairless dog was the winner of the 2009 World’s Ugliest Dog competition (pedigree division). Despite being hideously ugly Miss Ellie achieved considerable media exposure and impressively, was able to do so without being a child of the late Aaron Spelling. (You can insert a Tori Spelling pic in here if the lawyers will let us…)
June 5: The Porn Star
Who: Stephen Clancy Hill, AKA Steve Driver
How: Jumping off a cliff while brandishing a sword at the approaching SWAT team. No, really.
The Legacy:
Saying he was the craziest, scariest porn star is like dubbing something 'the tastiest fried food found at a carnival', but still. This guy:
-- Allegedly attacked three people with a sword, murdering one: Herbert Wong, fellow porn star and star of films 'Hookers and Blow 3' and 'Cum Coat My Throat 5' (any relation to Cracked's David Wong is unclear).
-- Was also previously charged with assault with a handgun in 1998 while a student at the University of Maryland. The victim? A TA who stubbornly refused to give him an 'A' on a test he hadn't taken.
The day of his death, he’d been told he was fired. Faced with a future of not banging coked-out hos on film, Hill, as we all would, thought ‘fuck this’. He grabbed the first prop he found and went bananas. If only it had been a Pink Limpy™ dildo and not a samurai sword.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of 2!
Lisa-Skye Ioannidis is a comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. Find more of her here
Nicholas Rasche is a writer and comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. His work has appeared in numerous print and online journals in Australia, the US and the UK.
Paul Rasche likes smoking.
Read more!
When I do the research for these articles, there's always a long list of dozens. This year, as per usual, we wrote up nearly 40 deaths, and let Cracked choose the short list.
Being in Australia, I depend on them to pick for relevance, and lack of coverage (along with ones that are just fucking hilarious, like the Owner of Segway industries driving his Segway off a cliff... I mean, come on).
Here's the original article on Cracked.
After the jump, the first 14 of the deleted scenes!
Apparently celebrities considered dying terribly 2009. After a star-studded year of deaths, 2010 had only a few big names to cover; mostly Bs to last year's As.
JD Salinger.
Tony Curtis.
Gary Coleman.
Corey Haim.
Leslie Nielson.
Winston Churchill. Wait, not that one.
Ginny Sacramoni.
But, as per usual, while these celebs hogged the posthumous limelight there were some also-rans who deserve to be honored in the Cracked tradition.
Also, March 7 was a really bad day to be a supercentarian.
JANUARY 8: Gumby’s Dad
WHO: Satanic warlock Art Clokey, creator of Gumby
HOW: Thrown into the pits of hell by Gandalf and Dumbledore.
THE LEGACY: It’s all in the name, people. Art Clokey? ‘Cloak’ means ‘to hide’, so Art Clokey means ‘hidden picture’ – an obvious clue that Gumby is riddled with subliminal messages in a sickening attempt to poison the minds of children the world over.
Gumby’s sidekick is ‘Pokey ‘-a euphemism for prison which also conjures up images of sexual molestation. Gumby’s girlfriend is ‘Goo’, and she shoots blobs which is too nauseating to even go into.
Art was born evil. He caused his parents to divorce when he was 9. A few years later, his father died in a “car accident”. He went to live with his mother and step-father – they barely escaped with their lives and sent Art to an orphanage, where he was eventually adopted by a Sith Overlord who realized Art’s dark potential. It wasn’t long before Art set to work on his plan to destroy the planet through Claymation.
January 10: the 'Daddy-O of Spaghetti Os'.
WHO: Donald Goerke
HOW: Of natural causes in his home.
The Legacy: Goerke worked for the Campbell Soup Company from 1955 to 1990. That’s 35 goddamn years. In a desperate attempt to move to a position in the company where he wouldn’t still be pissing tomato soup 10 years after retirement, he developed ‘Spaghetti Os’ in 1965. He reportedly considered and rejected pasta in the shapes of baseballs, cowboys, spacemen and stars, in favor of the fun-filled, magical 'O' shape. Because why eat astronauts when you can laugh it up with zany fucking circles.
JANUARY 14: Geriatric Canine
WHO: Otto, the world’s oldest dog
HOW: Euthanasia following a cancer diagnosis
THE LEGACY: You might find it heartwarming that Otto, a dachshund-terrier cross from the UK lived so long. But that dog was an ASSHOLE. Otto died just one month shy of his 21st birthday. GOOD. HE DESERVED IT.
January 16: Snr Taco
WHO: Glen Bell, founder of Taco Bell
HOW: Unknown.
The legacy: Glen Bell left the US Marine Corps in 1946, opening his first hot dog stand in 1948. He began selling tacos in 1952. When he sold Taco Bell to PepsiCo in 1978 for $125,000,000, the chain consisted of 868 restaurants and thousands of staff members too slow to get a job at McDonalds. Officially, no cause of Bell’s death was released. However, as Mexico is home to some of the most murderous criminal gangs in the world and Taco Bell is widely recognised as the nation’s foremost provider of bland, tasteless ‘Mexican’ food, we’re guessing ‘revenge’.
[Pic of Danny Trejo, caption: Don’t tell us this guy wasn’t involved]
Jan 11 and Feb 19: Members of Porn’s Hall of Fame
Who: Jamie Gillis and Juliet Anderson.
How: Melanoma and Crohn’s disease
The Legacy: Gillis and Anderson were legends in the field of pornography, which, from what we’ve read, has something to do with having sex on film. Between them, Gillis and Anderson appeared in over 530 films watched for an average of 5-8 minutes each. Around this time, the porn industry also lost Alice Rigby, Judy Callin, Ruby Sapphire, Judy Carr, Aunt Peg, Judy Fallbrook, Al Cianelli, Ronny Morgan, Jamier Kantor and Buster Hymen, which looks like a hardcore holocaust until you realize these were all stage names of Gillis (born Jamey Ira Gurman) and Anderson (born Judith Carr).
The research for this entry was murder.
JANUARY 20: That Crazy Guy with Those Crazy Theories
WHO: Bob Minton, outspoken critic of Scientolo…um…nothing – just plain old Bob Minton
HOW: Assassinated by Tom Cruis….no, actually, he died peacefully in his sleep
THE LEGACY: Bob Minton was one of Scientology’s most ardent critics and spent millions on various lawsuits against the Church. But one night, those kooky Scientologists decided enough was enough and then… nothing happened and everything was OK.
FEBRUARY 9: Inventor of the Frisbee
WHO: Walter Frederick Morrison
HOW: Cause unknown
THE LEGACY: Tiring of his girlfriend’s endless sass, Morrison grabbed something – anything – and threw it at her face. This is how things were done in the 30s. The object happened to be a lid off of a can of popcorn and thus the Frisbee was born. Have you ever spent a lazy afternoon casually tossing some ‘Bee down in the park? If so, you are glorifying domestic violence – WHY DO YOU HATE WOMEN?
FEBRUARY 25: Boner
WHO: Andrew Koenig
HOW: Suicide
THE LEGACY: “Show me that smile again…” From ‘85 through ‘89, Koenig was beloved by us all – BY US ALL – as Boner, Mike’s goofy best friend in the heartwarming smash-hit sitcom Growing Pains. Despite reports to the contrary, it wasn’t the cries of “HEY BONER!” from passing cars that kick-started Koenig’s downward spiral into depression – rather it was the burden of convincing audiences that someone would willingly befriend Kirk Cameron. (Picture of Kirk Cameron. Caption: Except for Jesus!’)
MARCH 30: Father of the ‘Australian Pillow’
WHO: Thomas Angove, inventor of the wine cask
HOW: Complications arising from developing a cube-shaped liver
THE LEGACY: The unsung hero of cheap boozehounds the world over, Angove invented the wine cask (originally known as the “Box O’ Tears”) back in the 60s. For this, he was honored by the Australian Government. Angove will be well remembered for his catchphrase, “If you think you’re too good to drink wine from a cardboard box… uh…well then….hey, look at that dog over there… BLEAAAAGH….fuck ‘em all.”
APRIL 1: Your Savior
WHO: Ed Roberts, computer engineer
HOW: Pneumonia
THE LEGACY: Ed Roberts invented the personal computer. Therefore, Ed Roberts is pretty much solely responsible for the internet. Imagine your porn stash without the contribution of Ed Roberts. Now YOU tell ME what his legacy is.
APRIL 6: The Voice of Jiminy Cricket
WHO: Eddie Carroll
HOW: Brain tumor
THE LEGACY: While the rest of us had that scene from Under Siege on a permanent “watch – rewind – watch again” cycle, Eddie Carroll - Erika Eleniak’s kindly uncle and the voice of beloved insect Jiminy Cricket – could barely stand to see it.
Or could he?
MAY 31: Trivial Pursuer
Q: Along with Scott Abbott, who co-created popular board game Trivial Pursuit?
A: Mustachioed weirdo, Chris Haney. They were playing scrabble, deemed it boring, and over a round of beers came up with the game to get a million trivia nerds barring up.
Q: How did Trivial Pursuit co-creator Chris Haney die?
A: Sorry, we couldn’t be bothered looking that up. Wikipedia just says “a long illness”.
THE LEGACY: In the world before Trivial Pursuit, you would have freaked out if you found a matching set of 6 tiny plastic triangles in your dog’s poop.
Whereas nowadays, you’re more likely to think “How was Fido was able to answer the Arts and Literature question? Who the fuck is Saul Bellow anyway? Oh well, back to combing through this dog shit.”
Thanks Chris!
June 1: World’s Ugliest Dog
WHO: Miss Ellie
HOW: Shame
The legacy: Miss Ellie, a Chinese crested hairless dog was the winner of the 2009 World’s Ugliest Dog competition (pedigree division). Despite being hideously ugly Miss Ellie achieved considerable media exposure and impressively, was able to do so without being a child of the late Aaron Spelling. (You can insert a Tori Spelling pic in here if the lawyers will let us…)
June 5: The Porn Star
Who: Stephen Clancy Hill, AKA Steve Driver
How: Jumping off a cliff while brandishing a sword at the approaching SWAT team. No, really.
The Legacy:
Saying he was the craziest, scariest porn star is like dubbing something 'the tastiest fried food found at a carnival', but still. This guy:
-- Allegedly attacked three people with a sword, murdering one: Herbert Wong, fellow porn star and star of films 'Hookers and Blow 3' and 'Cum Coat My Throat 5' (any relation to Cracked's David Wong is unclear).
-- Was also previously charged with assault with a handgun in 1998 while a student at the University of Maryland. The victim? A TA who stubbornly refused to give him an 'A' on a test he hadn't taken.
The day of his death, he’d been told he was fired. Faced with a future of not banging coked-out hos on film, Hill, as we all would, thought ‘fuck this’. He grabbed the first prop he found and went bananas. If only it had been a Pink Limpy™ dildo and not a samurai sword.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of 2!
Lisa-Skye Ioannidis is a comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. Find more of her here
Nicholas Rasche is a writer and comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. His work has appeared in numerous print and online journals in Australia, the US and the UK.
Paul Rasche likes smoking.
Read more!
Hello, Cracked Readers!
Thanks for reading the article and clicking through. We actually had almost 40 deaths covered, and let Cracked select the best. We have SO many deleted scenes from the article. Check back in an hour or so to see them! Spoiler alert: one of my faves didn't make the cut!
Read more!
Sunday, 3 October 2010
Thank You!
Super-huge-fun-massive thanks to everyone who's come to the show thus far and laughed. They've been brilliant fun, and uber well-received, so thank you!
Welcome to anyone who came across this blog from my show credits. The 'Deleted Scenes' posts will be published straight after the show run, so subscribe to my RSS feed in your Google Reader or follow me on the FB if you want to be the first to know when they're up! (Warning: some are TERRIFYING).
Five more shows left!
Also, if you came to my show, I hope you enjoyed your wee surprise at the end. Read more!
Welcome to anyone who came across this blog from my show credits. The 'Deleted Scenes' posts will be published straight after the show run, so subscribe to my RSS feed in your Google Reader or follow me on the FB if you want to be the first to know when they're up! (Warning: some are TERRIFYING).
Five more shows left!
Also, if you came to my show, I hope you enjoyed your wee surprise at the end. Read more!
Sunday, 29 August 2010
Announcing Lisa's Fringe Show!
... And stay tuned for deleted scenes!
This is my first solo show. Fifty-five hot minutes of unbridled Lisa Action. All Lisa, all new. And funny as fuck. You should totes attend.
Read more!
This is my first solo show. Fifty-five hot minutes of unbridled Lisa Action. All Lisa, all new. And funny as fuck. You should totes attend.
Read more!
Thursday, 31 December 2009
Overlooked Deaths of 2009: Deleted Scenes Part Two
Continued from part one, below, and the Cracked article, here.
Today: Sean Connery (sort of), Morgan Freeman (sort of) and Darth Vader (sort of), gorilla soap opera stars, dogs old and tall.
August 7: The Tallest Dog in the World.
Who:
Gibson, a Great Dane. On his hind legs, he stood seven fucking feet, one inch tall and weighed 180 pounds.
How:
Cancer.
The Legacy:
Breeders try to beat the record until dogs are the size of horses, and they enslave humanity, a la Planet of the Apes. Your next boss is a poodle with Short Man Syndrome.
August 12: The Nazi Wrestler
Who: Karl Von Hess. A professional wrestling ‘heel’ (bad guy) Von Hess’s villain gimmick was that of a Nazi sympathizer. You know, for yucks.
Audiences were so convinced of the gimmick that fans tried to stab, burn, and shoot at him. People get so weird about Nazis.
Pictured: Laffs a’Plenty
This hilarious shtick grew old, and by the early 1960s he gradually stopped wrestling with the WWWF.
How:
Alzheimer’s disease.
The Legacy:
The WWE’s in a slump. Perhaps more racially-charged villains are needed. Throw in a fake Klansman or two, a neo-Nazi skinhead and, we don’t know, a wrester based on Bin Laden. It’s a sound artistic decision for the modern age.
August 18: The Kinky Munitions Analyst
Who:
Jack McGeorge: Marine; Secret Service Specialist; Naughty, Naughty Boy.
Some men have secret lives. They climb the ladder in their chosen industry, spend years getting to the highest rank of their field, only to have it all come crashing down when it’s discovered they like hookers, or other men, or, we don’t know, fucking slinkys.
But not Jack McGeorge. He just figured, fuck it, I’m awesome at talking about the weaponization of biological and chemical agents, and I like leather. What are ya gonna do about it, tie me up? I dare ya. No, really, go on, I dare ya. Mmmmm…
McGeorge never lived in the closet. His full name appeared on many leather fancier websites, and talked about his interest in BDSM in the media. In 2002, the Washington Post publicized his part in the BDSM community, and McGeorge offered his resignation to Hans Blix, who refused to accept it. Possibly because at the time, McGeorge may have been wielding a foot-long spiked paddle and a bullwhip.
How:
Complications from open heart surgery. Bet you thought it was gonna be something dirty, didn’t you?
The Legacy:
More politicians coming out about their kink. Cross-dressing congressmen, spanking senators and Twinkie-fucking mayors.
August 28: The World’s Oldest Dog
Who: At the ripe old age of 21, Chanel, American female Daschund, was recognized by the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s oldest dog.
In her later years, Chanel wore tinted goggles for her cataracts, sweaters for the cold, and was transported in a stroller, because, at 147 years old, fuck walking.
How:
From being 21.
The Legacy:
Desperate owners resorting to scarves, walking sticks and prosthetic limbs to beat the record with their living cadaver pets.
September 2: Sean Connery, Morgan Freeman and Darth Vader
Who: Tibor Kristóf, Hungarian voice actor.
Kristóf did the Hungarian voices for many popular English-speaking films. He was seen fit to provide the voices for Sean Connery, Morgan Freeman and Darth motherfucking Vader among others, including Tony Curtis, Gregory Peck, Richard Burton, Paul Newman, Gene Hackman, Denzel Washington, Laurence Olivier, Chalton Heston and Charles Bronson. We’re pretty sure that this guy’s voice was so manly, when he spoke all ladies in earshot fell pregnant.
How:
Unknown. Perhaps he went for a swim and the weight of his massive balls pulled him under.
The Legacy:
A nation weeps as the man with surely the sexiest voice in Hungary is bid goodbye.
September 14: The Gorilla King
Who:
Titus, a one-Gorilla soap opera. He was observed in his natural habitat from 1974.
After Titus’ father was killed by poachers, another silverback, Beetsme, tried to take control of his group. Beetsme killed an infant female, the rest of the females left in protest and Titus, by now suffering severe daddy abandonment issues, lived with Beetsme in a ‘bachelor group’ for eight years, just Titus, Beetsme and a bunch of dudes.
They were lovers for a while, until five females joined the group and Beetsme decided he was into gorilla vagina again, and drove off the rest of the males, possibly because they still had Polaroids of Beetsme in pink gogo boots.
Beetsme had a slew of hot gorilla ladies, some of whom Titus began to hump in secret. He became the youngest gorilla babydaddy in recorded history, kept up with the secret mating, and in 1991 became top dog. However, Beetsme still subscribed to a ‘bros before hos’ philosophy, so continued to be Titus’ number two man until his death in 2001.
Titus sure liked the man-gorilla-on-lady-gorilla sex. He had so much of it, that by 2004 he controlled the largest gorilla group in the world. However, by 30, his oldest son, Kuryama, was getting all up in his gorilla grills, which led to Titus biting a female after she was caught mating with Kuryama in secret. Who knew gorillas liked to secret-mate so much?
There were some turf wars, the group split into Team Titus and Team Kuryama, then after a year they all reunited, Titus having retired his leadership peacefully. Reports show that Kuryama wasn’t a dick about it.
How:
At 35, after a short illness.
The Legacy:
Fortunately, ‘he who mates most is the leader’ doesn’t happen in the human world, lest our world leaders start to resemble Wilt Chamberlain and Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel. Although look out for new Primate-based soaps, The Bold and the Baboon-tiful, Apes of Our Lives and One Lemur to Live. (note: I'm pretty sure it was this exact, awful pun, not the length, that got it dropped from the Cracked version)
October 5: The Inventor of the Mouse
Who:
René Sommer, co-inventor of the computer mouse.
How:
Unknown.
The Legacy:
This guy invents a gadget that everyone uses every single day, and he gets 89 words in Wikipedia. Meanwhile, Ewoks, a fucking fictional race of teddy bears, get nearly 600. Fuck you, popular culture.
October 19: The Guy Who Just Fucking Lost it One Day
Who:
Howard Unruh, American spree killer.
A shy, reclusive guy, Unruh was said to be a ‘Mama’s Boy’ and was the target of teasing from local youths. He never got along with his neighbors. He eventually started a diary, detailing all imagined slights and everything he thought they said about him. After a few names, was ‘retal.’, short for ‘retaliate’. On September 6, 1949, Unruh killed 13 people.
He arrived home from a movie at 3am to find the front gate he had recently built was stolen. He slept til 8am, dressed in his best suit, fought with his mother over breakfast, and went out to do a bit of random killing.
How:
At 88, after a long illness. His last public words were ‘I'd have killed a thousand if I had bullets enough’, showing that decades in a facility for the criminally insane doesn’t take the douchebag out of someone.
The Legacy:
No one steals gates anymore.
A Bad Year for Horses
Who: Every race horse ever.
Cryptoclearance, Gigolo FRH, Summer Squall, Fine Cotton, Alysheba, Beach Towel, Lil E. Tee, Sunline, and Exotic Dancer.
How:
Horse-related complications.
The Legacy: When doing the research for this article, I was shocked at what a bad year this was for racehorses. I learned two things: 1. Racehorses have stupid names, and 2. Don’t be a racehorse.
Read more!
Today: Sean Connery (sort of), Morgan Freeman (sort of) and Darth Vader (sort of), gorilla soap opera stars, dogs old and tall.
August 7: The Tallest Dog in the World.
Who:
Gibson, a Great Dane. On his hind legs, he stood seven fucking feet, one inch tall and weighed 180 pounds.
How:
Cancer.
The Legacy:
Breeders try to beat the record until dogs are the size of horses, and they enslave humanity, a la Planet of the Apes. Your next boss is a poodle with Short Man Syndrome.
August 12: The Nazi Wrestler
Who: Karl Von Hess. A professional wrestling ‘heel’ (bad guy) Von Hess’s villain gimmick was that of a Nazi sympathizer. You know, for yucks.
Audiences were so convinced of the gimmick that fans tried to stab, burn, and shoot at him. People get so weird about Nazis.
Pictured: Laffs a’Plenty
This hilarious shtick grew old, and by the early 1960s he gradually stopped wrestling with the WWWF.
How:
Alzheimer’s disease.
The Legacy:
The WWE’s in a slump. Perhaps more racially-charged villains are needed. Throw in a fake Klansman or two, a neo-Nazi skinhead and, we don’t know, a wrester based on Bin Laden. It’s a sound artistic decision for the modern age.
August 18: The Kinky Munitions Analyst
Who:
Jack McGeorge: Marine; Secret Service Specialist; Naughty, Naughty Boy.
Some men have secret lives. They climb the ladder in their chosen industry, spend years getting to the highest rank of their field, only to have it all come crashing down when it’s discovered they like hookers, or other men, or, we don’t know, fucking slinkys.
But not Jack McGeorge. He just figured, fuck it, I’m awesome at talking about the weaponization of biological and chemical agents, and I like leather. What are ya gonna do about it, tie me up? I dare ya. No, really, go on, I dare ya. Mmmmm…
McGeorge never lived in the closet. His full name appeared on many leather fancier websites, and talked about his interest in BDSM in the media. In 2002, the Washington Post publicized his part in the BDSM community, and McGeorge offered his resignation to Hans Blix, who refused to accept it. Possibly because at the time, McGeorge may have been wielding a foot-long spiked paddle and a bullwhip.
How:
Complications from open heart surgery. Bet you thought it was gonna be something dirty, didn’t you?
The Legacy:
More politicians coming out about their kink. Cross-dressing congressmen, spanking senators and Twinkie-fucking mayors.
August 28: The World’s Oldest Dog
Who: At the ripe old age of 21, Chanel, American female Daschund, was recognized by the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s oldest dog.
In her later years, Chanel wore tinted goggles for her cataracts, sweaters for the cold, and was transported in a stroller, because, at 147 years old, fuck walking.
How:
From being 21.
The Legacy:
Desperate owners resorting to scarves, walking sticks and prosthetic limbs to beat the record with their living cadaver pets.
September 2: Sean Connery, Morgan Freeman and Darth Vader
Who: Tibor Kristóf, Hungarian voice actor.
Kristóf did the Hungarian voices for many popular English-speaking films. He was seen fit to provide the voices for Sean Connery, Morgan Freeman and Darth motherfucking Vader among others, including Tony Curtis, Gregory Peck, Richard Burton, Paul Newman, Gene Hackman, Denzel Washington, Laurence Olivier, Chalton Heston and Charles Bronson. We’re pretty sure that this guy’s voice was so manly, when he spoke all ladies in earshot fell pregnant.
How:
Unknown. Perhaps he went for a swim and the weight of his massive balls pulled him under.
The Legacy:
A nation weeps as the man with surely the sexiest voice in Hungary is bid goodbye.
September 14: The Gorilla King
Who:
Titus, a one-Gorilla soap opera. He was observed in his natural habitat from 1974.
After Titus’ father was killed by poachers, another silverback, Beetsme, tried to take control of his group. Beetsme killed an infant female, the rest of the females left in protest and Titus, by now suffering severe daddy abandonment issues, lived with Beetsme in a ‘bachelor group’ for eight years, just Titus, Beetsme and a bunch of dudes.
They were lovers for a while, until five females joined the group and Beetsme decided he was into gorilla vagina again, and drove off the rest of the males, possibly because they still had Polaroids of Beetsme in pink gogo boots.
Beetsme had a slew of hot gorilla ladies, some of whom Titus began to hump in secret. He became the youngest gorilla babydaddy in recorded history, kept up with the secret mating, and in 1991 became top dog. However, Beetsme still subscribed to a ‘bros before hos’ philosophy, so continued to be Titus’ number two man until his death in 2001.
Titus sure liked the man-gorilla-on-lady-gorilla sex. He had so much of it, that by 2004 he controlled the largest gorilla group in the world. However, by 30, his oldest son, Kuryama, was getting all up in his gorilla grills, which led to Titus biting a female after she was caught mating with Kuryama in secret. Who knew gorillas liked to secret-mate so much?
There were some turf wars, the group split into Team Titus and Team Kuryama, then after a year they all reunited, Titus having retired his leadership peacefully. Reports show that Kuryama wasn’t a dick about it.
How:
At 35, after a short illness.
The Legacy:
Fortunately, ‘he who mates most is the leader’ doesn’t happen in the human world, lest our world leaders start to resemble Wilt Chamberlain and Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel. Although look out for new Primate-based soaps, The Bold and the Baboon-tiful, Apes of Our Lives and One Lemur to Live. (note: I'm pretty sure it was this exact, awful pun, not the length, that got it dropped from the Cracked version)
October 5: The Inventor of the Mouse
Who:
René Sommer, co-inventor of the computer mouse.
How:
Unknown.
The Legacy:
This guy invents a gadget that everyone uses every single day, and he gets 89 words in Wikipedia. Meanwhile, Ewoks, a fucking fictional race of teddy bears, get nearly 600. Fuck you, popular culture.
October 19: The Guy Who Just Fucking Lost it One Day
Who:
Howard Unruh, American spree killer.
A shy, reclusive guy, Unruh was said to be a ‘Mama’s Boy’ and was the target of teasing from local youths. He never got along with his neighbors. He eventually started a diary, detailing all imagined slights and everything he thought they said about him. After a few names, was ‘retal.’, short for ‘retaliate’. On September 6, 1949, Unruh killed 13 people.
He arrived home from a movie at 3am to find the front gate he had recently built was stolen. He slept til 8am, dressed in his best suit, fought with his mother over breakfast, and went out to do a bit of random killing.
How:
At 88, after a long illness. His last public words were ‘I'd have killed a thousand if I had bullets enough’, showing that decades in a facility for the criminally insane doesn’t take the douchebag out of someone.
The Legacy:
No one steals gates anymore.
A Bad Year for Horses
Who: Every race horse ever.
Cryptoclearance, Gigolo FRH, Summer Squall, Fine Cotton, Alysheba, Beach Towel, Lil E. Tee, Sunline, and Exotic Dancer.
How:
Horse-related complications.
The Legacy: When doing the research for this article, I was shocked at what a bad year this was for racehorses. I learned two things: 1. Racehorses have stupid names, and 2. Don’t be a racehorse.
Read more!
Overlooked Deaths of 2009: Deleted Scenes Part One
So my article was printed in Cracked today. There are a few changes, but you should go check it out.
When doing the research I found waaaaay more deaths that we could possibly include, so today and tomorrow I'll be publishing the 'deleted scenes': the ones that didn't quite make it.
Today: Eagle women, unfortunate coincidences, bastard chimpanzees. Shemales, hipsters, carp.
January 4: The Former President’s Former Cat
Who:
India, George W. Bush’s black cat.
The cat lived with the bushes for nearly two decades, first in the Texas Governor’s Mansion in Austin, and then at the White House.
Being a black cat named India came with some controversy: in 2004 protestors in the Indian state of Kerala burned an effigy of Bush in unfortunate-cat-name-induced rage. Though the cat was actually named for Ruben ‘El Indio’ Sierra, a Texas Rangers baseball player from when Bush owned the team.
How:
Cause of death unknown. And we’re certainly not saying that it was anything to do with Bush’s rage about having to move out of the White House sixteen days from India’s January 4th death. Nor are we inferring that it was a kitty suicide when India realized she’d have to move back to Texas.
The Legacy:
Black cats remain unlucky. The Obama’s puppy, Bo, sleeps with one eye open.
January 13: The woman with the army of eagles
Who:
Joan Keene, aka The Eagle Lady.
Keene was a former rodeo trick rider who lived in Homer, Alaska.
Shortly after she moved to Alaska, she saw two bald-headed eagles and tossed some leftover fish to them. A decade later, she was feeding over two hundred of the big guys, stockpiling fish scraps donated from local companies. And if she ever caught wind of a dead moose on the highway, that fucker’d be sliced up and on the specials board at Chez Eagle Diner by lunchtime.
Every day, she would drive a forklift from her job at a fish processing facility, deliver it to her motor home and then cut up the freezer-burned fish into fist-sized chunks for the eagles. If it was still frozen, she’d take an axe, chainsaw or motherfucking blowtorch to it. All up, it was three hours in the day, and about 50,000 pounds of fish a year, for some snooty, ungrateful guys in tuxedos.
Stock Photo.
In 1986 she told the Anchorage Daily News ‘I don't know if anyone else would do this. My motorhome smells like fish. My yard is fish. My truck is fish. I am fish. It gets kind of gross sometimes, especially when you're handling a lot of slimy carcasses’. And fellas, she was single.
How:
Respiratory condition. Whether it was caused by Bird Fancier’s Lung (no, really, it’s a thing) is unconfirmed.
The Legacy:
Since Alaska hates nature and everything about it, straight after Keene died the city of Homer passed a law prohibiting feeding predatory birds.
January 18: The Robot from Lost in Space
Who:
Bob May, the man inside the ‘bot (the voice of the robot died in 2004). He appeared inside the robot for all 83 episodes, but sadly, not in the 1998 movie, as he no longer fit inside the suit. But in the good ol’ days, he loved the suit so much that he called it a ‘home away from home’ and wore it all day while filming. During lunch, through smoke breaks, and possibly through giving groupies a seeing-to in his trailer [citation needed].
How:
Congestive heart failure.
The Legacy:
We’re cheated of his possibly-robosexual memoires, Deep Inside the Robot.
February 12: 9/11 Steering Committee Member Dies in Plane Crash
Who:
Beverley Eckert, advocate for those affected by 9/11.
How:
Commuter aircraft accident
The Legacy:
There’s no joke here, we just thought it was a very, very unfortunate coincidence. Like how Sylvia Plath’s 47-year-old biologist son committed suicide on March 16 this year. Death has a morbid sense of humor sometimes.
February 16: The Biggest Jerk to Ever be Called ‘Chimpanzee’
Who:
Travis, a male Chimpanzee actor with an axe to grind. Possibly because his owners named him ‘Travis’.
Travis appeared in many commercials and TV shows, including a TV pilot starring Sheryl Crowe and Michael Moore (which we assume was called The WTF Hour).
You think monkeys are cool? They’re cunts. ‘Oh, look, Travis is feeding the horses/brushing his teeth/playing baseball’ you hear. You don’t hear, ‘Oh, look! Travis bit and then tried to drag a woman into the car with him in 1996, oh, look, it’s 2003 and Travis is running after a man in a car, blood on his monkey mind.’
How:
Shot, after attacking Charla Nash, a friend of his keeper, who lost her eyes, nose, face and fucking hands.
The Legacy:
A new law prohibiting people from owning exotic pets of Travis’ size.
February 20: Another Type of Presidential Pussy for Clinton
Who: Socks the Cat, pet of the Clinton family during Bill’s time in office.
This year was a bad one for ex-president’s cats. Socks was the principal White House pet until they acquired Buddy, a Labrador. Socks ‘despised Buddy’ and when Clinton vacated the White House, they took Buddy with them, and Socks stayed with Clinton’s secretary.
How:
Cancer, at age 20.
The Legacy:
A 1998 book by Hilary Clinton, called Dear Socks, Dear Buddy: Kids’ Letters to the First Pets, in which we see over 50 letters children have written to the President’s fucking pets. Kids are retarded.
March 29: Lorne
Who:
Andy Hallett, the crooner who captured the hearts of nerds and fanboys worldwide with his portrayal of Lorne in the TV series Angel.
Originally the PA for Joss Whedon’s wife, the couple were so blown away by his voice that Joss wrote a character for him on his new show, Angel.
How:
Congestive heart failure.
The Legacy:
Scores of nerds flock to LA karaoke bars to drink to Lorne’s memory. In return, karaoke bars forced to purchase instrumental versions of Once More with Feeling for their new regulars. Old regulars forced to listen to off-key versions of I’ll Never Tell on a loop.
June 23: I Am My Own Patient
Who:
Jerri Nielsen, an American physician stationed at the South Pole.
Nielsen developed breast cancer at a time when her station was physically cut off from the rest of the world. So she did what anyone would have done: operated on herself to extract tissue samples for analysis.
When it was confirmed as breast cancer, she underwent self-administered chemotherapy. She went into remission and was brought back to the United States.
How:
Several years later, the cancer came back, and she eventually died form complications from a brain tumor.
The Legacy:
With the cost of healthcare growing, her autobiography Ice Bound: A Doctor’s Incredible Story may make a handy how-to guide for home procedures.
June 30: The Spy Who Shagged Me
Who:
Shi Pei Pu, spy and shemale.
A Chinese opera singer, Shi had a 20-year long affair with a French Embassy worker, Bernard Boursicot. Shi convinced Boursicot he was a woman, even going as far as buying a ‘son’ from a poor villager.
When Boursicot first met Shi, he was dressed as a man. Shi told him he was actually a woman, forced to live as a man to satisfy his father’s wish for a son. Their sexual relationship was maintained ‘quickly and in darkness’, and Boursicot was convinced Shi was a woman. Boursicot arranged for Shi and their ‘son’, Shi Du Du, to be brought to Paris, where Shi was busted for being a spy. And having a penis.
When the story broke, Boursicot slit his throat, but survived.
How:
After a long illness.
The Legacy:
More men insisting on having sex with the lights on. All the way on.
July 13: King of the Hipsters
Who:
Dash Snow, Artist and Trustafarian.
Snow was heir to a limitless fortune, and as such was able to flee his parents in his early teens to live on the streets. Some of Snow’s more infamous pieces feature newspapers splashed with his own semen, and Polaroids of his hipster friends getting fucked up.
Also, he named his daughter Secret Magic Nico.
How:
Drug overdose.
The Legacy:
The art world can’t decide whether he was the Kurt Cobain or Paris Hilton of contemporary American art. Either way, fellow hipsters are going to have to try even harder to be shocking in their never ending exploitation of sex, drugs and violence. Sorry, Vice Magazine.
July: Britain’s Favorite Fish
Who:
Benson, ‘Britain’s biggest and best-loved carp’. Known as ‘The People’s Fish’, she was voted Britain’s Favorite Carp in 2005, in a tough and incredibly boring poll. Britain loved her so much, that she was caught 63 times over 13 years. Because to the British, ‘love’ means hooking you by the lip and forcing you up by the spike, to half drown in air, before hurling you back to your home. They’re romantic like that. Also, she was named for a suspicious hole in her fin that looked like a cigarette burn, but was probably just more British ‘love marks’.
How:
Undetermined. At the time of her death, she weighed 64 pounds. Some allege she was accidentally poisoned (or ‘over-loved’) by anglers using uncooked nuts. Others say complications with pregnancy, as she was carrying 300,000 eggs at the time, the filthy whore.
The Legacy:
Britain must find a new fish to inflict their love on.
More tomorrow! Read more!
When doing the research I found waaaaay more deaths that we could possibly include, so today and tomorrow I'll be publishing the 'deleted scenes': the ones that didn't quite make it.
Today: Eagle women, unfortunate coincidences, bastard chimpanzees. Shemales, hipsters, carp.
January 4: The Former President’s Former Cat
Who:
India, George W. Bush’s black cat.
The cat lived with the bushes for nearly two decades, first in the Texas Governor’s Mansion in Austin, and then at the White House.
Being a black cat named India came with some controversy: in 2004 protestors in the Indian state of Kerala burned an effigy of Bush in unfortunate-cat-name-induced rage. Though the cat was actually named for Ruben ‘El Indio’ Sierra, a Texas Rangers baseball player from when Bush owned the team.
How:
Cause of death unknown. And we’re certainly not saying that it was anything to do with Bush’s rage about having to move out of the White House sixteen days from India’s January 4th death. Nor are we inferring that it was a kitty suicide when India realized she’d have to move back to Texas.
The Legacy:
Black cats remain unlucky. The Obama’s puppy, Bo, sleeps with one eye open.
January 13: The woman with the army of eagles
Who:
Joan Keene, aka The Eagle Lady.
Keene was a former rodeo trick rider who lived in Homer, Alaska.
Shortly after she moved to Alaska, she saw two bald-headed eagles and tossed some leftover fish to them. A decade later, she was feeding over two hundred of the big guys, stockpiling fish scraps donated from local companies. And if she ever caught wind of a dead moose on the highway, that fucker’d be sliced up and on the specials board at Chez Eagle Diner by lunchtime.
Every day, she would drive a forklift from her job at a fish processing facility, deliver it to her motor home and then cut up the freezer-burned fish into fist-sized chunks for the eagles. If it was still frozen, she’d take an axe, chainsaw or motherfucking blowtorch to it. All up, it was three hours in the day, and about 50,000 pounds of fish a year, for some snooty, ungrateful guys in tuxedos.
Stock Photo.
In 1986 she told the Anchorage Daily News ‘I don't know if anyone else would do this. My motorhome smells like fish. My yard is fish. My truck is fish. I am fish. It gets kind of gross sometimes, especially when you're handling a lot of slimy carcasses’. And fellas, she was single.
How:
Respiratory condition. Whether it was caused by Bird Fancier’s Lung (no, really, it’s a thing) is unconfirmed.
The Legacy:
Since Alaska hates nature and everything about it, straight after Keene died the city of Homer passed a law prohibiting feeding predatory birds.
January 18: The Robot from Lost in Space
Who:
Bob May, the man inside the ‘bot (the voice of the robot died in 2004). He appeared inside the robot for all 83 episodes, but sadly, not in the 1998 movie, as he no longer fit inside the suit. But in the good ol’ days, he loved the suit so much that he called it a ‘home away from home’ and wore it all day while filming. During lunch, through smoke breaks, and possibly through giving groupies a seeing-to in his trailer [citation needed].
How:
Congestive heart failure.
The Legacy:
We’re cheated of his possibly-robosexual memoires, Deep Inside the Robot.
February 12: 9/11 Steering Committee Member Dies in Plane Crash
Who:
Beverley Eckert, advocate for those affected by 9/11.
How:
Commuter aircraft accident
The Legacy:
There’s no joke here, we just thought it was a very, very unfortunate coincidence. Like how Sylvia Plath’s 47-year-old biologist son committed suicide on March 16 this year. Death has a morbid sense of humor sometimes.
February 16: The Biggest Jerk to Ever be Called ‘Chimpanzee’
Who:
Travis, a male Chimpanzee actor with an axe to grind. Possibly because his owners named him ‘Travis’.
Travis appeared in many commercials and TV shows, including a TV pilot starring Sheryl Crowe and Michael Moore (which we assume was called The WTF Hour).
You think monkeys are cool? They’re cunts. ‘Oh, look, Travis is feeding the horses/brushing his teeth/playing baseball’ you hear. You don’t hear, ‘Oh, look! Travis bit and then tried to drag a woman into the car with him in 1996, oh, look, it’s 2003 and Travis is running after a man in a car, blood on his monkey mind.’
How:
Shot, after attacking Charla Nash, a friend of his keeper, who lost her eyes, nose, face and fucking hands.
The Legacy:
A new law prohibiting people from owning exotic pets of Travis’ size.
February 20: Another Type of Presidential Pussy for Clinton
Who: Socks the Cat, pet of the Clinton family during Bill’s time in office.
This year was a bad one for ex-president’s cats. Socks was the principal White House pet until they acquired Buddy, a Labrador. Socks ‘despised Buddy’ and when Clinton vacated the White House, they took Buddy with them, and Socks stayed with Clinton’s secretary.
How:
Cancer, at age 20.
The Legacy:
A 1998 book by Hilary Clinton, called Dear Socks, Dear Buddy: Kids’ Letters to the First Pets, in which we see over 50 letters children have written to the President’s fucking pets. Kids are retarded.
March 29: Lorne
Who:
Andy Hallett, the crooner who captured the hearts of nerds and fanboys worldwide with his portrayal of Lorne in the TV series Angel.
Originally the PA for Joss Whedon’s wife, the couple were so blown away by his voice that Joss wrote a character for him on his new show, Angel.
How:
Congestive heart failure.
The Legacy:
Scores of nerds flock to LA karaoke bars to drink to Lorne’s memory. In return, karaoke bars forced to purchase instrumental versions of Once More with Feeling for their new regulars. Old regulars forced to listen to off-key versions of I’ll Never Tell on a loop.
June 23: I Am My Own Patient
Who:
Jerri Nielsen, an American physician stationed at the South Pole.
Nielsen developed breast cancer at a time when her station was physically cut off from the rest of the world. So she did what anyone would have done: operated on herself to extract tissue samples for analysis.
When it was confirmed as breast cancer, she underwent self-administered chemotherapy. She went into remission and was brought back to the United States.
How:
Several years later, the cancer came back, and she eventually died form complications from a brain tumor.
The Legacy:
With the cost of healthcare growing, her autobiography Ice Bound: A Doctor’s Incredible Story may make a handy how-to guide for home procedures.
June 30: The Spy Who Shagged Me
Who:
Shi Pei Pu, spy and shemale.
A Chinese opera singer, Shi had a 20-year long affair with a French Embassy worker, Bernard Boursicot. Shi convinced Boursicot he was a woman, even going as far as buying a ‘son’ from a poor villager.
When Boursicot first met Shi, he was dressed as a man. Shi told him he was actually a woman, forced to live as a man to satisfy his father’s wish for a son. Their sexual relationship was maintained ‘quickly and in darkness’, and Boursicot was convinced Shi was a woman. Boursicot arranged for Shi and their ‘son’, Shi Du Du, to be brought to Paris, where Shi was busted for being a spy. And having a penis.
When the story broke, Boursicot slit his throat, but survived.
How:
After a long illness.
The Legacy:
More men insisting on having sex with the lights on. All the way on.
July 13: King of the Hipsters
Who:
Dash Snow, Artist and Trustafarian.
Snow was heir to a limitless fortune, and as such was able to flee his parents in his early teens to live on the streets. Some of Snow’s more infamous pieces feature newspapers splashed with his own semen, and Polaroids of his hipster friends getting fucked up.
Also, he named his daughter Secret Magic Nico.
How:
Drug overdose.
The Legacy:
The art world can’t decide whether he was the Kurt Cobain or Paris Hilton of contemporary American art. Either way, fellow hipsters are going to have to try even harder to be shocking in their never ending exploitation of sex, drugs and violence. Sorry, Vice Magazine.
July: Britain’s Favorite Fish
Who:
Benson, ‘Britain’s biggest and best-loved carp’. Known as ‘The People’s Fish’, she was voted Britain’s Favorite Carp in 2005, in a tough and incredibly boring poll. Britain loved her so much, that she was caught 63 times over 13 years. Because to the British, ‘love’ means hooking you by the lip and forcing you up by the spike, to half drown in air, before hurling you back to your home. They’re romantic like that. Also, she was named for a suspicious hole in her fin that looked like a cigarette burn, but was probably just more British ‘love marks’.
How:
Undetermined. At the time of her death, she weighed 64 pounds. Some allege she was accidentally poisoned (or ‘over-loved’) by anglers using uncooked nuts. Others say complications with pregnancy, as she was carrying 300,000 eggs at the time, the filthy whore.
The Legacy:
Britain must find a new fish to inflict their love on.
More tomorrow! Read more!
Sunday, 27 December 2009
Cracked - Want Moar?
I'll have an article appearing at Cracked.com in a few days. I'll let you know when it's up.
Also! If you like it, stick around: I'll have the 'deleted scenes' (ie the points that didn't make the cut - it was a fairly big article) up the day after it hits.
Oh, also-also: Happy Christmas. Read more!
Also! If you like it, stick around: I'll have the 'deleted scenes' (ie the points that didn't make the cut - it was a fairly big article) up the day after it hits.
Oh, also-also: Happy Christmas. Read more!
Friday, 25 September 2009
I have a show coming up for the Fringe Festival. It promises to be made of awesome. Attend!
Get tickets here.
Also, this!
Read more!
Get tickets here.
Also, this!
Read more!
Tuesday, 4 August 2009
Hot Tip: FIlm Edition
Our long-suffering Tech Manager Chris Goodes has a movie out at the moment: Red Cliff.
Go see it! Originally it was two movies totaling five hours, but the US/Australian release is one 2.5-hour film. It loses a lot, and the first half feels like a trailer, but see it at the cinema for the big screen 'oooh!' factor and see the better versions later. It
Reports that some explosion sounds for this Chinese big budget war epic were recorded at a bonfire in Nutfield (near Hurstbridge) are ridiculous and true. This was cross-posted to my other blog, too. What? I want the word out. Read more!
Go see it! Originally it was two movies totaling five hours, but the US/Australian release is one 2.5-hour film. It loses a lot, and the first half feels like a trailer, but see it at the cinema for the big screen 'oooh!' factor and see the better versions later. It
Reports that some explosion sounds for this Chinese big budget war epic were recorded at a bonfire in Nutfield (near Hurstbridge) are ridiculous and true. This was cross-posted to my other blog, too. What? I want the word out. Read more!
Friday, 10 July 2009
Gendermash Performance!
Next Friday, I'll be performing as part of GENDERMASH #4 at Gasworks theatre!
I have four minutes, but the line up looks ace and it sounds like it's going to be lots of fun. Chack it out!
The more is a lie. Have some cake. Read more!
I have four minutes, but the line up looks ace and it sounds like it's going to be lots of fun. Chack it out!
The more is a lie. Have some cake. Read more!
Monday, 1 June 2009
Undercover (3077 words)
Comedy Festival is over for another year! Now while I try and write my Fringe show, here's something I wrote back in 2005. It was going to be published in a magazine but then they chickened out and had me do a different piece on a similar topic instead. All's well that etc.
So this is pretty long, an educational piece abut Islam that came out of me wearing a burqa for a week, and talking to a few converts to Islam. Looking back, it's a little preachy - I can see how much my style has improved in the last four years*, but I hope you like it. Enjoy.
* This means that by 35 I should be upgraded to at least a 'passable' writer. Woo!
Undercover
I never thought the sight of me buying chicken wings would make a child cry. Well, ok, maybe it’s crossed my mind before, but only during ‘Lisa becomes a large, porcupine-like monster’ daydreams. But apparently there’s a much simpler way to scare the average Australian child: wear a burqa.
Before we begin, a quick note on terminology: most Muslim women in Australia choose only to wear an hijab, a headscarf that covers a woman’s hair and neck. You’ve undoubtedly seen them around. The term ‘hijab’ can also be used, in a broader sense, to mean any modest Muslim dress. A woman who dresses modestly is known as an ‘Hijabi’.
‘Burqa’ is the common term applied to the full Muslim womens’ dress in which only the eyes and hands are visible; it’s a full headpiece that covers a woman’s hair, face, neck and shoulders. There’s a more common two-piece dress, similar to a burqa: a larger hijab (reaching from head to mid-elbow, covering everything but the face) worn with the full niqab, which is a veil for one’s face with a small slit for the eyes. I wore a combination of hijab and full niqab, with a heavy, shapeless black floor-length robe, for a week, to gauge public reaction. And quite an unexpected reaction it was…
A friend once told me about her scapegoat theory. It went thus: A succession of migrant races have been subjected to prejudice in Australia: European ‘Wogs’ in the fifties and sixties, Asians in the seventies and eighties and Arabs since the nineties. So, for every twenty years, there’s a new scapegoat in Australia’s unfortunate tradition of xenophobia. It’s a major ideological problem, but it seems that though white Australians are more accepting today, we still haven’t completely embraced the idea of a multicultural society.
Most migrants from the Middle East are Muslims, i.e., followers of the Islamic faith. It’s difficult to pin down ‘Islamic Culture’ since Muslims come from many different countries. Look at it this way: a Mexican Catholic and an Irish Catholic would have different cultural and social ideas that may affect how they interpret their religion. This is where some of the inaccurate clichés about Muslims start.
Coming from an agnostic family, my knowledge of other religions is superficial at best… or, at worst, downright ignorant, wallowing in a pit of my own stupidity (‘Sure, I know Buddhists don’t have Easter, but they do celebrate Christmas; don’t they? I saw it on The Simpsons!’). Most people I know aren’t much better. We were never taught about non-Christian religions at school, (Buddhism, Judaism, Taoism, Islam, Hinduism…) and most of us were christened/baptised for tradition, or as part of a Christian faith we’ve long since abandoned. We may not have religiously diverse social circles, and instead derive most religious knowledge from the media and neglect to seek out a more representative source. Am I just part of an ignorant minority? Well, from things people told and asked me during my week as an Hijabi, I’m thinking no. I guess the majority of people don’t care enough to do their own research. Which is fine, since work is hard and Alias starts in ten minutes. However, I think a little understanding of other Australians’ beliefs would go a long way.
Three months ago, what I knew about Islam could almost fill a post-it note. If the post-it note was freakishly small. My Middle Eastern friends weren’t practicing Muslims, and normally religion doesn’t interest me. (A bad experience at Godsquad during my brief stint as a Christian teenager saw to that). When speaking with friends and family, I found their ideas about Islam were often similar… and inaccurate. While talking to Muslim people about their faith, I found that Islam is like any religion: the followers have varying ideas about the faith and what is ‘right’. Jessie, an Australian Muslim convert, told me that ‘Islam is very much like Christianity’, something I found surprising, but came to agree with as I researched further.
With regards to religious beliefs, the main difference is that while Islam recognises Jesus as a prophet and holy man, Muslims do not believe he is the Son of God. ‘God is not human; he is a divine being. So he can’t have a ‘Son’, because he doesn’t have a wife’ Jessie argues. ‘We also believe there was holy a man after Jesus: Mohammed. He was born around six hundred years after Jesus. His contemporaries were literate and Mohammed’s teachings could be written down, verbatim, as he spoke’ I’m not saying that Islam hasn’t been misinterpreted over the years; far from it. However, their holy book, the Koran, has remained completely unedited and unchanged, since its inception. Quite different from the New Testament, wherein Christ’s teachings were paraphrased several years after His death, by many authors, then reinterpreted for ideological and political benefit over centuries.
There are different forms of Islam: Sunni and Shi’ah (the majority of Muslims are Sunni Muslims). The everyday practices and customs of these two types are basically the same. However, there’s controversy between the two because both believe in a different successor to the Prophet Mohammed, the founder of Islam, therefore a different lineage of ‘holy’ or ‘blessed’ people (kind of like a pope). Like Protestants and Catholics, or Simon and Garfunkel, Shi’ah and Sunni don’t get along.
The biggest difference between the average practicing Muslim person and a typical non-Muslim Australian is that the former is, most likely, more religious. Fundamentalist Catholics and Born-Again Christians who follow their religion by the letter are similar to a typical Fundamentalist Muslim, despite the differing beliefs and practices. And, since Catholicism and Islam are both old religions, tenets originally based in common sense and kept to hold society together, are now considered archaic with respect to gender roles and homosexuality. From my research, Islamic ideas can seem dated, and not necessarily something I’d support in contemporary society; but they’re frequently more practical than Catholic ideas on the same issues. Example: Aisha, a Muslim convert, told me that Mohammed said divorce and birth control are seen as ‘the most horrible of accepted practices’. It’s unfortunate when a marriage breaks down, or a couple isn’t able (for health, financial or other reasons) to have children, but what can you do? To paraphrase Mohammed: You gotta be rational, and making two people who can’t stand each other stay together isn’t necessarily the best plan. Fundamentalist Catholics suggest otherwise.
Traditional Muslims pray five times a day. ‘Some people think it’s excessive, they ask us why we pray so much,’ Aisha says. ‘It’s based in trying to keep Allah (God) in one’s every day life. I mean, it’s easier to stray, or to not follow [Islamic practices] if you’re acknowledging Allah only once a week, or less’.
‘Most of the guiding principles in Islam grew from ideas that are just common sense.’ says Jessie. ‘Like Jewish people, we don’t eat pork, because pig meat isn’t as healthy, and is more prone to disease than other meats. We eat Halal meat because meat prepared this way [bled completely, and that hasn’t come into contact with any other meats] is just healthier.’
* * *
The first day I wore my Hijabi outfit, I was a little anxious. What if shop assistants refuse to serve me? I thought. That was my first misconception to be dispelled. A recurring trend I noticed was that all shop assistants were extremely helpful and friendly towards me. Well, except the Coles checkout chick, who’s always there. She just disaffectedly looked straight through me like she does everyone; bless her overworked clerky heart. It made for a nice rest from the staring.
Usually I was treated like big-spending Mr. T in a ‘Chunky-Gold-Accessories R Us’ store. Even at a certain store I often frequent, the surly cashier was transformed from her default ‘bothered by the presence of customers’ to ‘bubbly, “may I help you?”’ type. Aisha also notices this while shopping. ‘It’s so strange!’ she says of the consistency of the response. ‘Perhaps it’s the shop assistant’s way of letting you know they’re ok with you, and your religion? I’m not sure.’ I was commenting on this phenomenon to a friend, who thought about it and replied, ‘aha! They [shop assistants] must think you’re an Afghani migrant, and that you come from a wealthy oil family!’ I inwardly cringed at the underlying bigotry and disregarded my otherwise-intelligent friend’s theory. Not just because it brought up the problem of religion verses culture again. I just don’t think the shop assistants care how wealthy you are if you’re buying a scone at Baker’s Delight.
So shop assistants were friendly. Not so with other shoppers. They had a slightly more colorful reaction…
I live above my mother’s jewelry store in a busy shopping district. During business hours, the only exit is through the shop. So I spend time in the shop with her almost every day. As I walked into the shop on the second day of my project I noticed two women examining a ruby ring, Mum pointing out its qualities while one of the women tried it on. ‘Mu-um, I need safety pins; tell me you have some? The stupid one I had broke and I can’t find any more!’ I whined. The women looked up at me and did a double take before smiling politely at Mum, handing her the ring and quickly walking out. ‘Weird,’ I said as mum re-polished the ring she was ‘this close to selling’. She thought I’d scared off her prospective customers.
We were laughing about this, Mum behind her desk and me leaning on the other side of the counter near the door. Then, while talking about the previous night’s episode of Friends, we noticed the shop had been awfully quiet. Mum pointed out three people hovering at the front window, looking at the stock but not coming into the shop. Many people just browse the front window while waiting for the tram, etc, but these particular people kept peering into the store, then idly scanning the front window again. They looked like they were waiting for something. ‘Hey,’ Mum asked, ‘can you get me some coke from the kitchen?’ I went to the room behind the shop, and sure enough, as soon as I disappeared, the group came in. I retrieved Mum’s drink and went back into the store, whereupon the people, who were quizzing Mum about the price of a bracelet, quickly thanked her and left. Mum looked at me. ‘I love you; but you’re bad for business at the moment. Leave now’ she instructed. I went upstairs and hid in my room until my friends came to pick me up for Uni.
Another fear: What if people abuse me? This fear wasn’t as much mine, as my father and brother’s. Being the typical overprotective, melodramatic father, the first time my dad saw me as an Hijabi, he sighed deeply and looked at me as if I was killing him. He moaned something about me getting ‘stabbed by a crazy in the street’. He thought my obvious Islamic appearance would instigate rage in some psycho, and it would have a stabby/bloody conclusion. But this is coming from the man who worries about me walking the four metres from a taxi to my front door at night, so it was to be expected. It’s his job to worry; he loves me. I’m not sure if the same goes for my little brother, though…
My brother Kane is eighteen months my junior. And he wouldn’t have a piece of my experiment. I mean; he wouldn’t even talk about it. When Mum told him about it, he just said, ‘No. This is stupid. She’ll get spat on. This will end badly’ and left it at that – a silent protest towards me putting my safety in jeopardy. I think the protest evolved to simple stubbornness, though, because even long after I finished the ‘practical’ part of the experiment, he still wouldn’t have a bar of it. I used all sorts of sly tricks to slip it into the conversation:
‘Hey Kane, something funny happened to me at work – ’
‘Were you wearing the Muslim thing?’
‘Yeah, but – ’
‘Nope.’ he would bark, turning back to the TV.
Why did my father and brother automatically assume people would take me so badly? During the week, I was never openly abused, or treated with too much hostility. However, I did get quite a few suspicious looks. Why are there more negative feelings towards Muslims than, say, practicing Catholics? If they are so similar, why this hysterical fear in the media about Muslims and Arabs? Is it that dreaded ‘T’ word, ‘Terrorism’? Paedophiles in the Catholic Church are in the extreme minority. We know that, despite the funny-but-so-very-wrong jokes we make. And every person who worships Allah isn’t a candidate for suicide bombing. In every religious community (including atheism), there are people who are unstable, or who value ideology over human life. There’s the clichéd movie priest who does ‘God’s work’ and bloody wackiness ensues. Many Christian terrorists, like the Oklahoma Bomber, Timothy McVeigh, believed they were doing God’s work. So why when an extremist group misinterprets Islam (or their holy book, the Koran) and does something monstrous, does the ‘terrorist Muslim’ stigma grow?
‘Jihad’. Ok, what are you thinking? Ooh, terrorists imposing their oppressive beliefs onto others; it’s all bad. But how did the term ‘Jihad’ become ‘holy war’? The word literally means ‘to strive’ or ‘to struggle’. ‘The concept of Jihad is actually really simple’ says Jessie. ‘It’s a defensive thing, not an offensive one. If you’re happy just sitting around, doing your thing, and someone approached you and told you that you couldn’t follow your personal beliefs anymore, then you should fight to defend those beliefs. It’s got nothing to do with inflicting war.’
* * *
During my Hijabi week, I met three different women who had converted to Islam. They were all intelligent, assertive, attractive people. They certainly weren’t repressed by sexist or overbearing husbands. Their stories were similar. ‘When I was a teenager I used to drink, smoke, go out and everything’ Jessie told me. ‘I just… never really enjoyed it, you know? Then I met [my future husband]. We’d just talk about stuff, and he’d tell me about his religion. It all seemed really logical. So I did some extensive research and decided I wanted to convert.’
Aisha is the same. ‘I just didn’t like where society was going… [and] during the last year of my psychology degree, I started asking myself questions about who I was, and why we were put on this planet. I found my questions were answered in Islamic teachings.’
Contrary to popular belief, Australian Muslim women don’t cover themselves just because their husbands demand it. When going out, Aisha wears a similar garment to mine, with only her eyes visible. ‘Actually,’ Aisha says, ‘my husband doesn’t like it. He says it’s too modest. But I feel that if you’re going to be dedicated to a religion, or a cause, you have to give it your all.’
Aisha and I noted the similarities between the reactions we received whilst wearing the hijab and niqab. For example, everybody stares. Everybody. People under sixty tend to stare briefly, then quickly look away, or give you a patronising ‘I’m ok with this’ smile like you’re in a wheelchair (which, I suppose, is better than the glares). People over sixty, just keep on staring. I tried not to giggle when I saw many an old man staring, and I could just tell they were thinking, ‘no, bugger this, this looks weird, so I’m gonna look. I’ve lived too damn long to be polite.’ Women often glare (for the sisterhood of feminism, I suppose) and men giggle or comment to each other nervously. The only one to treat me exactly the same way was Mum’s guard dog, (our spoilt-brat five-year-old 75-kilo Rottweiler, whom I adore). When I came down to the shop on my first day as an Hijabi, I said hi to him. I was expecting him to bark at this black-clad stranger; instead he walked up to me, sniffed my shoe, and pushed me with his head in the direction of the kitchen to get his food.
While wearing the hijab, I had several friends make nervous jokes about terrorism in that matey, ‘hey I’m ok with all this’ way that proves they’re really not comfortable with such an obvious display of Muslim culture. I got so sick of ‘hey, is that a bomb in your pocket…?’ jokes. Also, many of my friends wanted me to subvert the stereotype of the solemn, mysterious burqa-clad unsmiling woman by drinking, smoking, swearing or dancing around while wearing the hijab. Out of respect for Islamic culture, I didn’t do any of these things. And out of respect for the fact that I’m an easily-led idiot, I vowed to do all the above later on while in a polar bear or penguin suit. But I’ll keep you posted on that one.
A friend of mine with political-correctness anxiety confided: ‘it’s just that it all looks so… I don’t know, foreign? Like the headdress and their practices and everything. And everything we see of the Middle East, their home, is bad. Conflict, wars, oppression.’
While researching my experiment, I spoke to many Muslim people. Their natural humour warmed me, and definitely affected the way I saw the experiment and how I later analysed it in this piece. When I bought my Hijab, the Muslim shop assistant laughed and told me my idea was ‘awesome’. Every Muslim person I spoke to was so funny on the subject of bigotry. Not in a defense-mechanism, if-I-don’t-laugh-I’ll-cry kind of way, but in a genuine, understanding, ‘I’m happy with the way I live my life, and in time, people will probably accept that’ kind of way.
It’s a simplistic point of view, and it’s difficult to kill prejudices and bigotry, but if the same people who yell ‘get back to your own country!’ to Australian-born Muslim converts actually knew about Islam and Muslim people, then perhaps the media would have to find something else to scare us with (genetically mutated surly wombats, perhaps?) and I wouldn’t have to sweat it out on a 30-degree day wearing heavy black synthetic material just to try and get an understanding of cultural bigotry.
Read more!
So this is pretty long, an educational piece abut Islam that came out of me wearing a burqa for a week, and talking to a few converts to Islam. Looking back, it's a little preachy - I can see how much my style has improved in the last four years*, but I hope you like it. Enjoy.
* This means that by 35 I should be upgraded to at least a 'passable' writer. Woo!
Undercover
I never thought the sight of me buying chicken wings would make a child cry. Well, ok, maybe it’s crossed my mind before, but only during ‘Lisa becomes a large, porcupine-like monster’ daydreams. But apparently there’s a much simpler way to scare the average Australian child: wear a burqa.
Before we begin, a quick note on terminology: most Muslim women in Australia choose only to wear an hijab, a headscarf that covers a woman’s hair and neck. You’ve undoubtedly seen them around. The term ‘hijab’ can also be used, in a broader sense, to mean any modest Muslim dress. A woman who dresses modestly is known as an ‘Hijabi’.
‘Burqa’ is the common term applied to the full Muslim womens’ dress in which only the eyes and hands are visible; it’s a full headpiece that covers a woman’s hair, face, neck and shoulders. There’s a more common two-piece dress, similar to a burqa: a larger hijab (reaching from head to mid-elbow, covering everything but the face) worn with the full niqab, which is a veil for one’s face with a small slit for the eyes. I wore a combination of hijab and full niqab, with a heavy, shapeless black floor-length robe, for a week, to gauge public reaction. And quite an unexpected reaction it was…
A friend once told me about her scapegoat theory. It went thus: A succession of migrant races have been subjected to prejudice in Australia: European ‘Wogs’ in the fifties and sixties, Asians in the seventies and eighties and Arabs since the nineties. So, for every twenty years, there’s a new scapegoat in Australia’s unfortunate tradition of xenophobia. It’s a major ideological problem, but it seems that though white Australians are more accepting today, we still haven’t completely embraced the idea of a multicultural society.
Most migrants from the Middle East are Muslims, i.e., followers of the Islamic faith. It’s difficult to pin down ‘Islamic Culture’ since Muslims come from many different countries. Look at it this way: a Mexican Catholic and an Irish Catholic would have different cultural and social ideas that may affect how they interpret their religion. This is where some of the inaccurate clichés about Muslims start.
Coming from an agnostic family, my knowledge of other religions is superficial at best… or, at worst, downright ignorant, wallowing in a pit of my own stupidity (‘Sure, I know Buddhists don’t have Easter, but they do celebrate Christmas; don’t they? I saw it on The Simpsons!’). Most people I know aren’t much better. We were never taught about non-Christian religions at school, (Buddhism, Judaism, Taoism, Islam, Hinduism…) and most of us were christened/baptised for tradition, or as part of a Christian faith we’ve long since abandoned. We may not have religiously diverse social circles, and instead derive most religious knowledge from the media and neglect to seek out a more representative source. Am I just part of an ignorant minority? Well, from things people told and asked me during my week as an Hijabi, I’m thinking no. I guess the majority of people don’t care enough to do their own research. Which is fine, since work is hard and Alias starts in ten minutes. However, I think a little understanding of other Australians’ beliefs would go a long way.
Three months ago, what I knew about Islam could almost fill a post-it note. If the post-it note was freakishly small. My Middle Eastern friends weren’t practicing Muslims, and normally religion doesn’t interest me. (A bad experience at Godsquad during my brief stint as a Christian teenager saw to that). When speaking with friends and family, I found their ideas about Islam were often similar… and inaccurate. While talking to Muslim people about their faith, I found that Islam is like any religion: the followers have varying ideas about the faith and what is ‘right’. Jessie, an Australian Muslim convert, told me that ‘Islam is very much like Christianity’, something I found surprising, but came to agree with as I researched further.
With regards to religious beliefs, the main difference is that while Islam recognises Jesus as a prophet and holy man, Muslims do not believe he is the Son of God. ‘God is not human; he is a divine being. So he can’t have a ‘Son’, because he doesn’t have a wife’ Jessie argues. ‘We also believe there was holy a man after Jesus: Mohammed. He was born around six hundred years after Jesus. His contemporaries were literate and Mohammed’s teachings could be written down, verbatim, as he spoke’ I’m not saying that Islam hasn’t been misinterpreted over the years; far from it. However, their holy book, the Koran, has remained completely unedited and unchanged, since its inception. Quite different from the New Testament, wherein Christ’s teachings were paraphrased several years after His death, by many authors, then reinterpreted for ideological and political benefit over centuries.
There are different forms of Islam: Sunni and Shi’ah (the majority of Muslims are Sunni Muslims). The everyday practices and customs of these two types are basically the same. However, there’s controversy between the two because both believe in a different successor to the Prophet Mohammed, the founder of Islam, therefore a different lineage of ‘holy’ or ‘blessed’ people (kind of like a pope). Like Protestants and Catholics, or Simon and Garfunkel, Shi’ah and Sunni don’t get along.
The biggest difference between the average practicing Muslim person and a typical non-Muslim Australian is that the former is, most likely, more religious. Fundamentalist Catholics and Born-Again Christians who follow their religion by the letter are similar to a typical Fundamentalist Muslim, despite the differing beliefs and practices. And, since Catholicism and Islam are both old religions, tenets originally based in common sense and kept to hold society together, are now considered archaic with respect to gender roles and homosexuality. From my research, Islamic ideas can seem dated, and not necessarily something I’d support in contemporary society; but they’re frequently more practical than Catholic ideas on the same issues. Example: Aisha, a Muslim convert, told me that Mohammed said divorce and birth control are seen as ‘the most horrible of accepted practices’. It’s unfortunate when a marriage breaks down, or a couple isn’t able (for health, financial or other reasons) to have children, but what can you do? To paraphrase Mohammed: You gotta be rational, and making two people who can’t stand each other stay together isn’t necessarily the best plan. Fundamentalist Catholics suggest otherwise.
Traditional Muslims pray five times a day. ‘Some people think it’s excessive, they ask us why we pray so much,’ Aisha says. ‘It’s based in trying to keep Allah (God) in one’s every day life. I mean, it’s easier to stray, or to not follow [Islamic practices] if you’re acknowledging Allah only once a week, or less’.
‘Most of the guiding principles in Islam grew from ideas that are just common sense.’ says Jessie. ‘Like Jewish people, we don’t eat pork, because pig meat isn’t as healthy, and is more prone to disease than other meats. We eat Halal meat because meat prepared this way [bled completely, and that hasn’t come into contact with any other meats] is just healthier.’
* * *
The first day I wore my Hijabi outfit, I was a little anxious. What if shop assistants refuse to serve me? I thought. That was my first misconception to be dispelled. A recurring trend I noticed was that all shop assistants were extremely helpful and friendly towards me. Well, except the Coles checkout chick, who’s always there. She just disaffectedly looked straight through me like she does everyone; bless her overworked clerky heart. It made for a nice rest from the staring.
Usually I was treated like big-spending Mr. T in a ‘Chunky-Gold-Accessories R Us’ store. Even at a certain store I often frequent, the surly cashier was transformed from her default ‘bothered by the presence of customers’ to ‘bubbly, “may I help you?”’ type. Aisha also notices this while shopping. ‘It’s so strange!’ she says of the consistency of the response. ‘Perhaps it’s the shop assistant’s way of letting you know they’re ok with you, and your religion? I’m not sure.’ I was commenting on this phenomenon to a friend, who thought about it and replied, ‘aha! They [shop assistants] must think you’re an Afghani migrant, and that you come from a wealthy oil family!’ I inwardly cringed at the underlying bigotry and disregarded my otherwise-intelligent friend’s theory. Not just because it brought up the problem of religion verses culture again. I just don’t think the shop assistants care how wealthy you are if you’re buying a scone at Baker’s Delight.
So shop assistants were friendly. Not so with other shoppers. They had a slightly more colorful reaction…
I live above my mother’s jewelry store in a busy shopping district. During business hours, the only exit is through the shop. So I spend time in the shop with her almost every day. As I walked into the shop on the second day of my project I noticed two women examining a ruby ring, Mum pointing out its qualities while one of the women tried it on. ‘Mu-um, I need safety pins; tell me you have some? The stupid one I had broke and I can’t find any more!’ I whined. The women looked up at me and did a double take before smiling politely at Mum, handing her the ring and quickly walking out. ‘Weird,’ I said as mum re-polished the ring she was ‘this close to selling’. She thought I’d scared off her prospective customers.
We were laughing about this, Mum behind her desk and me leaning on the other side of the counter near the door. Then, while talking about the previous night’s episode of Friends, we noticed the shop had been awfully quiet. Mum pointed out three people hovering at the front window, looking at the stock but not coming into the shop. Many people just browse the front window while waiting for the tram, etc, but these particular people kept peering into the store, then idly scanning the front window again. They looked like they were waiting for something. ‘Hey,’ Mum asked, ‘can you get me some coke from the kitchen?’ I went to the room behind the shop, and sure enough, as soon as I disappeared, the group came in. I retrieved Mum’s drink and went back into the store, whereupon the people, who were quizzing Mum about the price of a bracelet, quickly thanked her and left. Mum looked at me. ‘I love you; but you’re bad for business at the moment. Leave now’ she instructed. I went upstairs and hid in my room until my friends came to pick me up for Uni.
Another fear: What if people abuse me? This fear wasn’t as much mine, as my father and brother’s. Being the typical overprotective, melodramatic father, the first time my dad saw me as an Hijabi, he sighed deeply and looked at me as if I was killing him. He moaned something about me getting ‘stabbed by a crazy in the street’. He thought my obvious Islamic appearance would instigate rage in some psycho, and it would have a stabby/bloody conclusion. But this is coming from the man who worries about me walking the four metres from a taxi to my front door at night, so it was to be expected. It’s his job to worry; he loves me. I’m not sure if the same goes for my little brother, though…
My brother Kane is eighteen months my junior. And he wouldn’t have a piece of my experiment. I mean; he wouldn’t even talk about it. When Mum told him about it, he just said, ‘No. This is stupid. She’ll get spat on. This will end badly’ and left it at that – a silent protest towards me putting my safety in jeopardy. I think the protest evolved to simple stubbornness, though, because even long after I finished the ‘practical’ part of the experiment, he still wouldn’t have a bar of it. I used all sorts of sly tricks to slip it into the conversation:
‘Hey Kane, something funny happened to me at work – ’
‘Were you wearing the Muslim thing?’
‘Yeah, but – ’
‘Nope.’ he would bark, turning back to the TV.
Why did my father and brother automatically assume people would take me so badly? During the week, I was never openly abused, or treated with too much hostility. However, I did get quite a few suspicious looks. Why are there more negative feelings towards Muslims than, say, practicing Catholics? If they are so similar, why this hysterical fear in the media about Muslims and Arabs? Is it that dreaded ‘T’ word, ‘Terrorism’? Paedophiles in the Catholic Church are in the extreme minority. We know that, despite the funny-but-so-very-wrong jokes we make. And every person who worships Allah isn’t a candidate for suicide bombing. In every religious community (including atheism), there are people who are unstable, or who value ideology over human life. There’s the clichéd movie priest who does ‘God’s work’ and bloody wackiness ensues. Many Christian terrorists, like the Oklahoma Bomber, Timothy McVeigh, believed they were doing God’s work. So why when an extremist group misinterprets Islam (or their holy book, the Koran) and does something monstrous, does the ‘terrorist Muslim’ stigma grow?
‘Jihad’. Ok, what are you thinking? Ooh, terrorists imposing their oppressive beliefs onto others; it’s all bad. But how did the term ‘Jihad’ become ‘holy war’? The word literally means ‘to strive’ or ‘to struggle’. ‘The concept of Jihad is actually really simple’ says Jessie. ‘It’s a defensive thing, not an offensive one. If you’re happy just sitting around, doing your thing, and someone approached you and told you that you couldn’t follow your personal beliefs anymore, then you should fight to defend those beliefs. It’s got nothing to do with inflicting war.’
* * *
During my Hijabi week, I met three different women who had converted to Islam. They were all intelligent, assertive, attractive people. They certainly weren’t repressed by sexist or overbearing husbands. Their stories were similar. ‘When I was a teenager I used to drink, smoke, go out and everything’ Jessie told me. ‘I just… never really enjoyed it, you know? Then I met [my future husband]. We’d just talk about stuff, and he’d tell me about his religion. It all seemed really logical. So I did some extensive research and decided I wanted to convert.’
Aisha is the same. ‘I just didn’t like where society was going… [and] during the last year of my psychology degree, I started asking myself questions about who I was, and why we were put on this planet. I found my questions were answered in Islamic teachings.’
Contrary to popular belief, Australian Muslim women don’t cover themselves just because their husbands demand it. When going out, Aisha wears a similar garment to mine, with only her eyes visible. ‘Actually,’ Aisha says, ‘my husband doesn’t like it. He says it’s too modest. But I feel that if you’re going to be dedicated to a religion, or a cause, you have to give it your all.’
Aisha and I noted the similarities between the reactions we received whilst wearing the hijab and niqab. For example, everybody stares. Everybody. People under sixty tend to stare briefly, then quickly look away, or give you a patronising ‘I’m ok with this’ smile like you’re in a wheelchair (which, I suppose, is better than the glares). People over sixty, just keep on staring. I tried not to giggle when I saw many an old man staring, and I could just tell they were thinking, ‘no, bugger this, this looks weird, so I’m gonna look. I’ve lived too damn long to be polite.’ Women often glare (for the sisterhood of feminism, I suppose) and men giggle or comment to each other nervously. The only one to treat me exactly the same way was Mum’s guard dog, (our spoilt-brat five-year-old 75-kilo Rottweiler, whom I adore). When I came down to the shop on my first day as an Hijabi, I said hi to him. I was expecting him to bark at this black-clad stranger; instead he walked up to me, sniffed my shoe, and pushed me with his head in the direction of the kitchen to get his food.
While wearing the hijab, I had several friends make nervous jokes about terrorism in that matey, ‘hey I’m ok with all this’ way that proves they’re really not comfortable with such an obvious display of Muslim culture. I got so sick of ‘hey, is that a bomb in your pocket…?’ jokes. Also, many of my friends wanted me to subvert the stereotype of the solemn, mysterious burqa-clad unsmiling woman by drinking, smoking, swearing or dancing around while wearing the hijab. Out of respect for Islamic culture, I didn’t do any of these things. And out of respect for the fact that I’m an easily-led idiot, I vowed to do all the above later on while in a polar bear or penguin suit. But I’ll keep you posted on that one.
A friend of mine with political-correctness anxiety confided: ‘it’s just that it all looks so… I don’t know, foreign? Like the headdress and their practices and everything. And everything we see of the Middle East, their home, is bad. Conflict, wars, oppression.’
While researching my experiment, I spoke to many Muslim people. Their natural humour warmed me, and definitely affected the way I saw the experiment and how I later analysed it in this piece. When I bought my Hijab, the Muslim shop assistant laughed and told me my idea was ‘awesome’. Every Muslim person I spoke to was so funny on the subject of bigotry. Not in a defense-mechanism, if-I-don’t-laugh-I’ll-cry kind of way, but in a genuine, understanding, ‘I’m happy with the way I live my life, and in time, people will probably accept that’ kind of way.
It’s a simplistic point of view, and it’s difficult to kill prejudices and bigotry, but if the same people who yell ‘get back to your own country!’ to Australian-born Muslim converts actually knew about Islam and Muslim people, then perhaps the media would have to find something else to scare us with (genetically mutated surly wombats, perhaps?) and I wouldn’t have to sweat it out on a 30-degree day wearing heavy black synthetic material just to try and get an understanding of cultural bigotry.
Read more!
Monday, 16 March 2009
News
1. Come to my comedy festival show!
2. I have a new website, and it's so awesome it makes me cry unicorn sweat:
www.lisaskye.com.au!
w00t. w00t is all. w00t. Read more!
2. I have a new website, and it's so awesome it makes me cry unicorn sweat:
www.lisaskye.com.au!
w00t. w00t is all. w00t. Read more!
Saturday, 24 January 2009
The Best Celebrity Fights to the Death in 2008, Part Four
Part One, Part Two, Part Three.
The fourth and final instalment after the jump!
The Fat Guy and the Hogg
Date: October 8
Who Died: Norman Hogg, Baron Hogg of Cumbernauld FSA Scot, Scottish Labour politician, cancer. José Luis Garza Rodríguez, one of the world's heaviest people, heart failure.
Though weighing 452 kilos, Garza isn’t as interesting as Manuel Uribe Garza, the other morbidly obese Mexican bloke come good who tried to help him lose weight. He used to weigh 520 kilos, now weighs 360 as of October, but continues to lose weight. Dig this wiki entry about his wedding, snip:
Wedding
After four years together, Uribe, who hadn't left bed for six years, married Solís from his bed. ‘I am proof you can find love in any circumstances. It's all a question of faith. I have a wife and will form a new family and live a happy life’.
He was transported to the civil wedding on his specially-reinforced four-poster bed, draped with cream and gold and adorned in bright sunflowers, on the back of a truck. Donning a white silk shirt with a sheet around his legs he waited to greet Solís as she walked down a flight of stairs wearing a strapless ivory dress and a tiara before 400 guests. Discovery Channel's My Big Fat Mexican Wedding documentary will be the third TV show featuring Uribe.
What Really Happened: Anyway, back to our two fight to the death-ers. Obviously a fight broke out when Norman Hogg misheard Garza's claims that he, himself was the biggest Hogg. Boom boom!
Battle of the ‘Bama Lovers
Date: November 2
Who Died: Terence D. Tolbert, American political operative, Nevada state director for Barack Obama's 2008 presidential campaign, heart attack. Madelyn Lee Payne Dunham, maternal grandmother of Obama, cancer.
Born and raised in Harlem, Tolbert’s middle school was named after him in November 2008, as a memorial.
Dunham was a tough cookie. You’d have to be: if a man has the tenacity and intelligence to become president (without his dad paving the way first, of course), then imagine the debates about curfew once puberty hit.
What Really Happened: Two days before the election and stress levels were at an all-time high in the Obama camp. But who loved him most? Tolbert kept claiming it was him, but Dunham, who raised Obama from the age of 10, begged to differ. Tolbert wouldn’t let up, but Dunham was a fan of swift, brutal punishment: after a painful birth she named her only daughter Stanley, for Christ’s sake.
The cruel irony is that they loved him ‘most’ equally, but now they’re both dead, the title goes to a Jamal Greenbaum, a honkey hipster living in Detroit, who will tell you within five minutes of introduction that all his friends are black, after forcing you to partake in a needlessly complex handshake/high five greeting.
The Fallout: A scragfight erupts when 46 meaty but well-groomed thirtysomething women have the same debate about Bill Clinton.
Dictator’s Grandson V Dictator Thief
Date: November 2
Who Died: Domenico Leccisi, Italian politician best known for stealing the corpse of the fascist dictator Benito Mussolini from an unmarked grave, heart and respiratory disease. Joseph Alliluyev, Russian cardiologist, grandson of Joseph Stalin.
What Really Happened: The League of Dictator’s Offspring finally got to Leccisi.
The Fallout: The League of Dictator’s Offspring reveal themselves, and have to beat off the Marvel Comic offers with a two metre replica of Hitler’s only testicle. ‘Come on, it’ll be fun to be a super villain in your very own comic book!’ Stan Lee whines, thinking of his inevitable cameo in the movie version.
Hawaiian Shirts and Child Actors
Date: December 22 and 23
Who Died: Alfred Shaheen, textile industrialist credited with popularising the Hawaiian shirt, complications from diabeties. Manuel Benitez, child actor wanted by the FBI, shot by police.
Shaheen was originally from New Jersey, which might explain his fashion taste. His family moved to Hawaii when he was 16, and at 26 he opened his garment business. By 29, in 1952, his business began silkscreening Polynesian and Asian designs onto silk, cotton, and rayon for Hawaiian shirts and other garments. But the 80s hit his business hard, with their ‘fluro leopard print OR NOTHING’ ideologies. He closed shop in 1988.
Benitez went by the stage name Mark Everett. His roles included parts in Pee Wee's Big Adventure , Galactica 1980 and Highway to Heaven. He’d not done any major acting work since 1988.
He met his girlfriend in 1996, had a child with her and never told her he was a former child actor. To support the family, he did odd jobs, including selling drugs. In 2004 his girlfriend tried to leave him, he tried to abscond with their son while she was asleep. She woke up, they fought, he beat her to death with a dumbbell in front of their three-year-old. He fled, and in 2008 took part in the awesome-sounding El Monte restaurant standoff, which was actually just him locking himself in a restaurant threatening to kill his son, now seven, if the police didn’t leave. It didn’t work out for him. (The son was shot in the thigh, but fine).
What Really Happened: Hawaiian shirts are the staple for fat party guys and precocious Parker-Louis-esque child actors. Think Zac from Saved by the Bell. Perhaps Shaheen was approaching former child actors to bring back the look, and he bumped into Benitez at the El Monte shopping strip. Wrong place, wrong time.
The Fallout: Disney television issues a ban on Hawaiian shirts, fearing that their provocative open-flower designs might give their starlets… ideas.
AIDSFIGHT
Date: December 24
Who Died: Ai Iijima, Japanese media personality. Cause of death still unknown: murder, suicide, heart attack and accidental overdose are all possibilities. Christine Maggiore, HIV-positive activist, pneumonia.
Iijima led a troubled early life. She was raped in her early teens, had an abortion, ran away from and made a living working in karaoke establishments, snack bars, Ginza hostess clubs and in enjo kōsai (paid dating).
She entered the entertainment business in her late teens, appearing on late night television programs wearing g-strings, short skirts, and even appearing topless with saline breast implants. Her stage name was chosen by a fan survey. She was also a popular ‘adult film’ actress. Japanese TV is once again proved to be a billion times better than ours. They have topless porn star teens, we have Late Night with Hot Dogs.
Post porn, she released a single and appeared on talk shows. She had her own manga series about time travel. In 2000 she wrote a semi-autobiographical book, Platonic Sex. In 2004 she participated in AIDS awareness campaigns in Tokyo. In 2007, at 34, she retired from showbiz, commenting that she wanted to set up a business marketing condoms to women.
Maggiore founded ‘Alive & Well AIDS Alternatives’, an organization questioning the link between HIV and AIDS. It also supports HIV-positive pregnant women who want to avoid taking anti-HIV medication.
An AIDS denialer, in May 2005 her three-year-old daughter (Eliza Jane) died from a strain of pneumonia stemming from… untreated AIDS.
Via wikipedia:
Consistent with her belief that HIV was harmless, Maggiore had not taken medication to reduce the risk of transmission of HIV to her daughter during pregnancy, and did not have Eliza Jane tested for HIV during her daughter's lifetime.
What Really Happened: A debate about AIDS turned violent… and was more funny in my head before typing it out. Hm. I’m an awful person.
The Fallout: I go outside to look at that rainbow again, but god’s taken them all away until I stop making fun of dead people. DAMN YOU, MIGHTY LORD! YOU’RE POSSIBLY JUST A HUMAN CONSTRUCT BUT STILL SO VENGEFUL!
Bonus! Three things I discovered while researching this article:
1. A lot of Korean Soap stars killed themselves this year. Here are just three.
2. There is a wikipedia entry for the Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz movie, the actors lovingly categorised into ‘Dead’ and ‘Alive’.
3. Some people… think this article is dead serious. The emailer’s text is pasted here in italics, my response in bold:
Hello
I have an interest in knowing more about this entry you wrote. Could you tell me more about this Grits Gresham item?
Thank you.
[name withheld]
Sure. What would you like to know?
Thank you for responding.
I am curious about your reference to Alex and Grits and what was meant by: [the ‘What Really Happened’ part of the Grits Vs Wildstein, big cat hunting entry]
What was the 'fatal fight' to which you refer? Was it just your humorous euphemistic linking of the ire of Alex or do you believe there was some actual connection between Grits , Alex and Jocelyn?
Thank you.
It was a joke, I was fairly certain that such a preposterous notion would have been looked upon as such.
Just to clarify, the whole 'fight to the death' angle of the article is obviously fiction, dreamed up by me. You know that, right? Every circumstance in the article was taken from the fact that they died on the same day, that's the only link.
(I didn’t get a response)
Read more!
The fourth and final instalment after the jump!
The Fat Guy and the Hogg
Date: October 8
Who Died: Norman Hogg, Baron Hogg of Cumbernauld FSA Scot, Scottish Labour politician, cancer. José Luis Garza Rodríguez, one of the world's heaviest people, heart failure.
Though weighing 452 kilos, Garza isn’t as interesting as Manuel Uribe Garza, the other morbidly obese Mexican bloke come good who tried to help him lose weight. He used to weigh 520 kilos, now weighs 360 as of October, but continues to lose weight. Dig this wiki entry about his wedding, snip:
Wedding
After four years together, Uribe, who hadn't left bed for six years, married Solís from his bed. ‘I am proof you can find love in any circumstances. It's all a question of faith. I have a wife and will form a new family and live a happy life’.
He was transported to the civil wedding on his specially-reinforced four-poster bed, draped with cream and gold and adorned in bright sunflowers, on the back of a truck. Donning a white silk shirt with a sheet around his legs he waited to greet Solís as she walked down a flight of stairs wearing a strapless ivory dress and a tiara before 400 guests. Discovery Channel's My Big Fat Mexican Wedding documentary will be the third TV show featuring Uribe.
What Really Happened: Anyway, back to our two fight to the death-ers. Obviously a fight broke out when Norman Hogg misheard Garza's claims that he, himself was the biggest Hogg. Boom boom!
Battle of the ‘Bama Lovers
Date: November 2
Who Died: Terence D. Tolbert, American political operative, Nevada state director for Barack Obama's 2008 presidential campaign, heart attack. Madelyn Lee Payne Dunham, maternal grandmother of Obama, cancer.
Born and raised in Harlem, Tolbert’s middle school was named after him in November 2008, as a memorial.
Dunham was a tough cookie. You’d have to be: if a man has the tenacity and intelligence to become president (without his dad paving the way first, of course), then imagine the debates about curfew once puberty hit.
What Really Happened: Two days before the election and stress levels were at an all-time high in the Obama camp. But who loved him most? Tolbert kept claiming it was him, but Dunham, who raised Obama from the age of 10, begged to differ. Tolbert wouldn’t let up, but Dunham was a fan of swift, brutal punishment: after a painful birth she named her only daughter Stanley, for Christ’s sake.
The cruel irony is that they loved him ‘most’ equally, but now they’re both dead, the title goes to a Jamal Greenbaum, a honkey hipster living in Detroit, who will tell you within five minutes of introduction that all his friends are black, after forcing you to partake in a needlessly complex handshake/high five greeting.
The Fallout: A scragfight erupts when 46 meaty but well-groomed thirtysomething women have the same debate about Bill Clinton.
Dictator’s Grandson V Dictator Thief
Date: November 2
Who Died: Domenico Leccisi, Italian politician best known for stealing the corpse of the fascist dictator Benito Mussolini from an unmarked grave, heart and respiratory disease. Joseph Alliluyev, Russian cardiologist, grandson of Joseph Stalin.
What Really Happened: The League of Dictator’s Offspring finally got to Leccisi.
The Fallout: The League of Dictator’s Offspring reveal themselves, and have to beat off the Marvel Comic offers with a two metre replica of Hitler’s only testicle. ‘Come on, it’ll be fun to be a super villain in your very own comic book!’ Stan Lee whines, thinking of his inevitable cameo in the movie version.
Hawaiian Shirts and Child Actors
Date: December 22 and 23
Who Died: Alfred Shaheen, textile industrialist credited with popularising the Hawaiian shirt, complications from diabeties. Manuel Benitez, child actor wanted by the FBI, shot by police.
Shaheen was originally from New Jersey, which might explain his fashion taste. His family moved to Hawaii when he was 16, and at 26 he opened his garment business. By 29, in 1952, his business began silkscreening Polynesian and Asian designs onto silk, cotton, and rayon for Hawaiian shirts and other garments. But the 80s hit his business hard, with their ‘fluro leopard print OR NOTHING’ ideologies. He closed shop in 1988.
Benitez went by the stage name Mark Everett. His roles included parts in Pee Wee's Big Adventure , Galactica 1980 and Highway to Heaven. He’d not done any major acting work since 1988.
He met his girlfriend in 1996, had a child with her and never told her he was a former child actor. To support the family, he did odd jobs, including selling drugs. In 2004 his girlfriend tried to leave him, he tried to abscond with their son while she was asleep. She woke up, they fought, he beat her to death with a dumbbell in front of their three-year-old. He fled, and in 2008 took part in the awesome-sounding El Monte restaurant standoff, which was actually just him locking himself in a restaurant threatening to kill his son, now seven, if the police didn’t leave. It didn’t work out for him. (The son was shot in the thigh, but fine).
What Really Happened: Hawaiian shirts are the staple for fat party guys and precocious Parker-Louis-esque child actors. Think Zac from Saved by the Bell. Perhaps Shaheen was approaching former child actors to bring back the look, and he bumped into Benitez at the El Monte shopping strip. Wrong place, wrong time.
The Fallout: Disney television issues a ban on Hawaiian shirts, fearing that their provocative open-flower designs might give their starlets… ideas.
AIDSFIGHT
Date: December 24
Who Died: Ai Iijima, Japanese media personality. Cause of death still unknown: murder, suicide, heart attack and accidental overdose are all possibilities. Christine Maggiore, HIV-positive activist, pneumonia.
Iijima led a troubled early life. She was raped in her early teens, had an abortion, ran away from and made a living working in karaoke establishments, snack bars, Ginza hostess clubs and in enjo kōsai (paid dating).
She entered the entertainment business in her late teens, appearing on late night television programs wearing g-strings, short skirts, and even appearing topless with saline breast implants. Her stage name was chosen by a fan survey. She was also a popular ‘adult film’ actress. Japanese TV is once again proved to be a billion times better than ours. They have topless porn star teens, we have Late Night with Hot Dogs.
Post porn, she released a single and appeared on talk shows. She had her own manga series about time travel. In 2000 she wrote a semi-autobiographical book, Platonic Sex. In 2004 she participated in AIDS awareness campaigns in Tokyo. In 2007, at 34, she retired from showbiz, commenting that she wanted to set up a business marketing condoms to women.
Maggiore founded ‘Alive & Well AIDS Alternatives’, an organization questioning the link between HIV and AIDS. It also supports HIV-positive pregnant women who want to avoid taking anti-HIV medication.
An AIDS denialer, in May 2005 her three-year-old daughter (Eliza Jane) died from a strain of pneumonia stemming from… untreated AIDS.
Via wikipedia:
Consistent with her belief that HIV was harmless, Maggiore had not taken medication to reduce the risk of transmission of HIV to her daughter during pregnancy, and did not have Eliza Jane tested for HIV during her daughter's lifetime.
What Really Happened: A debate about AIDS turned violent… and was more funny in my head before typing it out. Hm. I’m an awful person.
The Fallout: I go outside to look at that rainbow again, but god’s taken them all away until I stop making fun of dead people. DAMN YOU, MIGHTY LORD! YOU’RE POSSIBLY JUST A HUMAN CONSTRUCT BUT STILL SO VENGEFUL!
Bonus! Three things I discovered while researching this article:
1. A lot of Korean Soap stars killed themselves this year. Here are just three.
2. There is a wikipedia entry for the Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz movie, the actors lovingly categorised into ‘Dead’ and ‘Alive’.
3. Some people… think this article is dead serious. The emailer’s text is pasted here in italics, my response in bold:
Hello
I have an interest in knowing more about this entry you wrote. Could you tell me more about this Grits Gresham item?
Thank you.
[name withheld]
Sure. What would you like to know?
Thank you for responding.
I am curious about your reference to Alex and Grits and what was meant by: [the ‘What Really Happened’ part of the Grits Vs Wildstein, big cat hunting entry]
What was the 'fatal fight' to which you refer? Was it just your humorous euphemistic linking of the ire of Alex or do you believe there was some actual connection between Grits , Alex and Jocelyn?
Thank you.
It was a joke, I was fairly certain that such a preposterous notion would have been looked upon as such.
Just to clarify, the whole 'fight to the death' angle of the article is obviously fiction, dreamed up by me. You know that, right? Every circumstance in the article was taken from the fact that they died on the same day, that's the only link.
(I didn’t get a response)
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