Monday, 19 January 2009

The Best Celebrity Fights to the Death in 2008, Part Three

Part One, Part Two.

The third and penultimate instalment after the jump!

Horse V Environmentalist

Date: May 3

Who Died: Eight Belles, thoroughbred racehorse, euthanised. Charles Caccia, Canadian environmentalist and politician, stroke.

What Really Happened: You can love animals and the IDEA of them having a tranquil habitat, but regardless, some can be real jerks. This horse was so fucking full of herself – for placing only second, mind you – that even this campaigner for nature felt the need to headbut it right in its long, smirking face.

The Fallout: Race horses realise they might have to start checking their attitude at the door – but they still won’t stop talking loudly on their mobile phones while in the cinema. Fucking douchebags.

Inventors Collide!

Date: May 4

Who Died: Colin Albert Murdoch MNZM, New Zealand pharmacist and veterinarian, cancer. Fredric J. Baur, American chemist and food storage technician.

Murdoch invented the tranquilizer gun, the disposable hypodermic syringe and the child-proof medicine container, among another 46 patents in his name. Baur invented the Pringles can.

Baur requested some of his ashes be buried in a Pringles can. The rest of his remains were placed in an urn buried along with the can, with some placed in another urn and given to one of Baur's grandchildren; the worst posthumous birthday present ever.

What Really Happened: At the anual inventors convention:
‘I’ve helped stop escaped, dangerous yet endangered tigers in their tracks, without killing them!’ ‘Well, I've prevented fat people from reaching their pudgy fist further into the bag of chips!’ a scuffle broke out, beakers went flying…

The Fallout: The next Annual Global Inventors Convention (AGI-con), is heavily policed by burly security guards, who keep exchanging incredulous glances at each other over the scrawny, stooped frames of genius, vengeful killers.

Rugby Player Vs Lady Wrestler

Date: May 9

Who Died: Judy Grable, the Barefoot Contessa, cause of death not yet determined. Jack Gibson, rugby player, commentator and coach.

When Grable was 13 she entered the world of professional wrestling. (Remember how angry you were when you got your first period?)

What Really Happened: First, Rugby, if you don't know, is basically a bunch of guys made of fat and muscle tearing each other apart while a ball rolls past. This is a sport where the players have to tape their ears lest they get ripped off. So this was just a case of two butches having at each other, possibly because it was Friday and they were bored.

The Fallout: The war rages on. Which war? Keep reading.

A Triad of Strange

Date: June 27

Who Died: Madam Marie, fortune teller, 93. ‘Sasha’ Gabor Sarközi, Norwegian porn actor, heart failure. Uga VI, mascot of the University of Georgia, bulldog; heart failure (also).

Madam Marie worked on the Asbury Park (New Jersey), boardwalk from 1932 until 2008, telling fortunes for people including Judy Garland (‘you will die cold, alone, drugged, busted yet fabulous’?) and Bruce Springsteen (‘The girl you pluck out of the crowd to dance with you in your film clip will end up being more successful than you’?).

Sarközi started his ‘acting’ career at 38, an age at which most pr0n actresses have been retired for about a decade. He became quite popular because of his physical similarity to Burt Reynolds and Sean Connery. THINK ABOUT THAT.

Besides working in the porn industry, Sasha Gabor worked as a musician, pilot, writer, and as a Burt Reynolds- and Sean Connery-look-alike. He also spoke eight languages: Norwegian, English, Hungarian, German, French, Russian, Spanish and Portuguese. That’s one well-rounded stunt cock.

Though a mascot by trade, Uga was issued an official student identification card for the University of Georgia. He travelled in an air conditioned dog house and sat on bags of ice at games, since bulldogs are susceptible to heat stroke (and Georgia is so humid). Take THAT, inner city kids who can't get a scholarship and can't afford student accommodation.

What Really Happened: A fortune teller, a porn star and a bulldog. The latter two died of heart failures. I’ll leave this to your sick, sick minds. I’m going outside to look at a rainbow.

The Fallout: You realise the depths of ugliness your mind is capable of. I'll meet you at the rainbow when you're done scrubbing your brain clean.

Racehorse V Gorilla

Date: August 19

Who Died: Jumoke, western lowland gorilla at the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium in Powell, Ohio, complications from an earlier miscarriage. Genuine Risk, 1980 Kentucky Derby winner and first filly to ever finish in the money in all three American Triple Crown races.

What Really Happened: When Jumoke gave birth to a son who wasn’t breathing, she actually gave him mouth to mouth, saving his life. She’s a nice-guy gorilla. But as we previously learnt, racehorses are arrogant fuckers.

Gorillas are down to Earth and frankly, won't take their shit. So perhaps these two were dining at the same fancy restaurant for famous animals, and the racehorse (after too much hay-flavoured champagne) was being obnoxious to the waitress and fellow diners, carrying on, whinnying and what not. She was all, ‘Oh, I’m only the second filly to win the Kentucky Derby, I have a boat named after me, I’ll get free breadsticks if I fucking want them’. So the gorilla confronted her... honestly, it ruined the birthday dinner of the well-known sparrow at the next table.

The Fallout: Nothing. Racehorses still park in wheelchair spots, because ‘they’ll only be in and out in five minutes, ten tops’. Fucking supercilious, cuntish jerks.

Rugby Player V Wrestler Redux!

Date: August 30

Who Died: Killer Kowalski, who I talked about in my Cracked Article. Brian Hambly, another Australian rugby player.

The Fallout: The decades-long feud between American wrestlers and Australian rugby players is finally uncovered.

Stay tuned for the fourth and last installment, next week!

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