(By the way - I'm way more active on the FaceBook, here, than I am on my blog or website. Also, I'm on twitter every day)
Every year, I write about overlooked deaths. And every year, there are far too many to chuck into the one article. So I overwrite, and let them pick the most relevant ones. Here's the second installment of these outtakes, or 'deleted scenes'.
This year, like last year, my much-funnier-than-I mate, Paul Rasche, wrote half of them. Many of the best ones below are his.
So: Cowgirls, actors, fucked-up fraudsters... And cool your tits, DENNIS MOTHERLOVIN' RITCHIE AND THAT MCCARTHY DUDE!
July 15
Who?
Ed Flesh, re-inventor of the wheel
How?
Heart failure
The legacy:
Despite being born with the name of a Batman villain, Ed Flesh will be best remembered for inventing the wheel from Wheel of Fortune, the much-beloved gameshow wherein dim-witted housewives buy vowels.
Before Ed Flesh burst onto the game show scene in the 50s, shows that featured wheels (such as ‘I Wheely Wanna Win Some Cash’, ‘Bobby Millicent’s Wheel of Painful Humiliation’ and the short-lived ‘Wheel of Misfortune’) always had the wheel in a vertical position. Flesh had the brainwave to make the wheel horizontal. Apparently that's all it takes to get an obituary in the Hollywood Reporter these days.
Lose a turn, Ed.
3 August
Who?
Charles Aaron "Bubba" Smith
How:
Acute drug intoxication and heart disease
The Legacy
Originally a professional football player, he was best known for his role as Moses Hightower, the massive steak of a man with the tofu voice, in the first six Police Academy movies. He’s tearing angels in half now.
21 August
Who?
Budd Hopkins. Painter, sculptor… UFO abductee enthusiast.
How:
Liver cancer and pneumonia
The Legacy
In 1964, Hopkins reported seeing a UFO, with two other witnesses, in broad daylight. This led him to a life studying other accounts of UFO sightings. Though admittedly never abducted himself, Hopkins is widely credited with having begun the alien-abduction movement.
Many of the fine, upstanding people who reported seeing UFOs also mentioned inexplicable gaps in their memory. Hopkins sensibly concluded that this wasn’t due to any massive amount of hallucinogenic drug required to see a UFO, but rather, because the witness had been abducted by aliens.
He wrote four books on the subject, including “Intruders: The Incredible Visitations at Copley Woods” (1987), which spent four weeks on the New York Times best-seller list, proving that the truth is indeed out there. Way out there.
Hopkins' art is in the permanent collections in the Whitney Museum, the Guggenheim Museum, Hirshhorn Museum, and at the Museum of Modern Art.
30 August
Who?
Faye Blackstone, American Rodeo Star, Cowgirl Hall of Fame
How?
Cancer.
The Legacy:
Blackstone is credited with creating three manoeuvres, and more impressively, only two sound pornographic: the ballerina, the flyaway and the reverse fender drag. She got married in the arena, but thankfully didn’t die in one, in, say, a trampling-related, children-screaming kind of way.
Also, remember how there’s a Cowgirl Hall of Fame? We want to see that video.
6 September
Who?
George Kuchar, underground film-maker
How?
Prostate cancer
The legacy:
George’s death only serves to highlight what an unfair world we live in. Whilst banal film-makers like Spielberg are lauded and successful, a genius like George Kuchar is left to toil in obscurity.
Read these film titles and tell me this guy isn’t the best person ever to have existed: “The Naked and The Nude”, “I Was A Teenage Rumpot,”, “Pussy on a Hot Tin Roof”, “Lust for Ecstasy”, “Tootsies in Autumn”, “Hold Me While I’m Naked”, “Color Me Shameless”, “Unstrap Me”, “The Devil’s Cleavage”, “Mongreloid”, “The Nocturnal Immaculation” – and this is just the beginning. The dude made more than 500 films
I don’t know what a nocturnal immaculation is, but I sure as hell would love to find out.
11 September
Who?
Andy Whitfield. Beefcake actor
How?
Cancer
The legacy:
Andy portrayed Spartacus, the most pectorally-gifted of gladiators, in the 2010 TV series, Spartacus: Digitally Added Blood and Sand. Those of you who watched that series will no doubt remember its many virtues – digitally added blood, real sand, dozens of gratuitous and explicit sex scenes (including one particularly memorable one involving John Hanna and a slave “fluffer”), and the best season finale in living memory. Spoiler alert: the gladiators rebel and SLAY THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYONE. It’s seriously 45 minutes of people running around covered in blood. It could only have been improved if Slayer were playing live on the roof during the massacre
Perhaps Andy’s greatest contribution to the world of entertainment was his work on the 2-minute YouTube video, Time Crisis. It was based on the popular video game, Time Crisis. Andy, you just earned a lifetime pass to Awesomeland.
Tragically, Andy was struck down by cancer and died with his loving wife and children by his side. Slayer rulez.
2 October
Who?
Don Lapre, ‘Incarcerated TV Pitchman’
How:
Apparent suicide in his cell.
The Legacy
Imortalised by David Spade in an SNL parody, Lapre was awaiting a $52m fraud trial for his company, ‘The Greatest Vitamin in the World’. 'It did not work out for me with my vitamins but I believe that being willing to fail is part of having a chance at success’ he had said. this ‘in case you don’t succeed’ mentality is perhaps why he cut his own throat in his cell, even though his previous suicide attempt didn’t work. (He sliced up his groin trying to cut his femoral artery, while living in a gym). Sleep well, you wacky go-getter/terrifying fraudster.
8 October
Who?
Mikey Welsh, crazy rock star
How?
Drug overdose, obviously (see “Crazy Rock Star”, above)
The legacy:
Mikey will forever be known as “one of the guys on the cover of Weezer’s ‘Green’ album who isn’t the guy with glasses who’s on all the Weezer album covers”. Or for those of us who prefer less complex thought patterns, “he used to play bass in Weezer.”
Mikey was a troubled soul, and the rock star life didn’t agree with him. On returning from touring with the band in 2001, Mikey had a nervous breakdown and attempted suicide. His bandmates handled the matter with great sensitivity, by re-shooting the clip for “Island in the Sun”, sans-Mikey.
Mikey may have been trying to tell us that he wasn’t doing so well when, years later in 2010, he joined his ex-bandmates on stage to play, of all songs, “Hash Pipe”. And he may have been trying to tell us that things hadn’t improved when he once again joined them to play “Undone”, mere months before his death. That last time was also with the Flaming Lips. If you’re hanging out with the Flaming Lips and singing about becoming “undone” – your drug problems are not solved.
12 & 24 October
Who?
Steve Jobs! Steve Jobs! You guys, STEVE JOBS. Oh, and also Professor John McCarthy, the father of Artificial Intelligence, and Dennis Ritchie, the god of UNIX and the C Programming language. BUT YOU GUYS, THE MAC DUDE DIED.
How:
Complications from a heart disease in the former and ill health in the latter
The Legacy
McCarthy ‘helped design the foundation of today’s Internet-based computing’. Without Ritchie, Apple as we know it, and computers as we know them, wouldn’t exist. But the guy with the sweat shops and the turtle necks died around the same time, so everyone… just… kind of overlooked it.
25 October
Who?
Wyatt Knight, aka Tommy Turner from Porky’s.
How:
Apparent suicide (arising from painful cancer treatments)
The Legacy
Although best known as the bad boy of the bunch in American Pie: Origins… oops, we mean Porky’s, Knight also had stints on Chicago Hope, Star Trek: Next Gen, and Family Ties. And hell, maybe if he’d taken Alex P Keaton to a strip club, the fucker may have loosened up a bit, and got an early start on the coke-and-hookers habit you KNOW he took up in his 20s as an 80s business guy.
5 November
Who?
Les Daniels, horror writer
How?
Heart attack.
The Legacy
In the good old days, vampires in books didn’t glitter in the sunlight and ponce about feeling tormented and sad. Vampires in these books didn’t go on to be portrayed by Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt. These vampires were vampires that were in vampire books written by MEN.
Les Daniels was such a man, and his most famous character was Don Sebastian de Villanueva. Don was cynical, amoral, misanthropic. Just like vampires are meant to be, people. There are no posters of Don on no teenage girl’s wall. Don didn’t put product in his hair. Don just wanted to rip people’s throats out.
Another feature of Daniels’ Villaneuva books was there use of a continued theme, or motif if you will, of juxtaposing his main characters evil deeds against man-made evil throughout history. The use of themes to convey a wider message is something writers used to do a lot, when writing was sometimes allowed to be clever. Then Harry Potter came along and everything changed.
7 November
Who?
Takanosato Toshihide, Sumo Wrestler
How?
Respiratory failure.
The Legacy
Takanosato was nicknamed “Popeye”, because of his brawny physique. This raises questions. Firstly, who sees a Sumo wrestler and thinks, “Wow, that guy looks brawny”? Surely the more common response would be, “Wow, that guy looks like diabetes personified.” (Interesting note: Takanosato had diabetes). Secondly, what about Bluto? When one considers which character from the Popeye cartoons most resembles a Sumo wrestler, surely Bluto has gotta be the one. Wimpy maybe.
Another reason that this guy should have been nicknamed Bluto as opposed to Popeye? Days before his death, he was accused of beating a junior Sumo with a block of wood. Popeye never beat anyone with a block of wood. That’s not how sailors roll. Bluto is the villain. Bluto is the guy who’ll beat you with a block of wood.
Wimpy was that old guy who ate hamburgers all the time. Remember him? He was cool. I’m hungry.
11 November
Who?
Bernd & Reiner Methe, Creepy Twin Referees
How?
Car crash.
The Legacy
Bernd & Reiner Methe did everything together. They were born on the same day, and they died on the same day. They got married on the same day (to twin sisters, natch). They lived in houses just 50 metres apart...
They also worked together, refereeing almost 1000 handball matches together. “Wait - what the hell is handball?” you ask. It’s a European thing, like genocide and wearing hats. You’re missing the point. These two guys spent their whole lives together. They no doubt finished each other’s sentences and smelt each other’s farts. It’s creepy and wrong and it’s good that they’re dead.
Lisa-Skye is a Melbourne-based writer and comedian. See more of her here.
Paul Rasche is a Melbournian writer and illustrator. See some of his stuff here
Read more!
Tuesday, 27 December 2011
Where Aren't They Now: MORE Overlooked Deaths from 2011, Part 1
(By the way - I'm way more active on the FaceBook, here, than I am on my blog or website. Also, I'm on twitter every day)
Every year, I write about overlooked deaths. And every year, there are far too many to chuck into the one article. So I overwrite, and let them pick the most relevant ones.
This year, like last year, my much-funnier-than-I mate, Paul Rasche, wrote half of them. Many of the best ones below are his.
So: Lois Lane, Manowar drummers, Porn Stars, Uncle Leo... here are 20 (TWENTY!) more overlooked deaths.
And stay tuned for Part 2, featuring 13 more, coming up on December 31st!
Steve Jobs. Amy Winehouse. Steve Jobs. Osama Bin Laden. Elizabeth Taylor. Steve Jobs. Pete Postlethwaite. Heavy D (of ‘… & the Boyz’). Every year cruel Lady Mortality claims many of our best (and heaviest). Every year, Cracked has you covered in the ‘now I’m sad for something I didn’t even know happened in June’ department.
And like every year, we eagerly await your comments bitching about how we missed someone, be they not ‘overlooked’ or otherwise. We love that shit.
23 January
Who?
Peter Gibb, Smooth Criminal
How?
Injuries sustained from beating
The Legacy:
When career criminal Peter Gibb was witnessed entering a broom cupboard with a female prison guard, no-one thought the outcome would be good. Little did they realize that the illicit liaison would lead to a trail of awesomeness the likes of which have not been seen since Die Hard 2.
In ’93, when Die Hard 2 was still fresh in our young minds, Gibb got his smoking hot* prison guard girlfriend to smuggle in some explosives, which he then used to blow out a window and escape with another prisoner. In a ploy that is deeply staggering in terms of just how clichéd it is, they actually climbed down to street level on a rope made of knotted bedsheets. A police chase ensued which involved several crashes and lots of shooting. At the end of the police chase, Gibb had a broken arm, a police revolver and was last seen leaving the scene in a stolen police van, cackling maniacally as Batman looked on from above.
Gibb followed all this up with probably the least clichéd death of 2011, the details of which remain bafflingly unclear. Seems Gibb had locked some kid in a freezer as a “practical joke”. Seems the kid’s associates didn’t think said joke was very funny. Seems said associates beat seven shades of shit of out of Gibb and he died shortly thereafter. Yippy ki-aye.
*not really
12 February
Who?
Joanne Siegel, the real Lois Lane
How?
From being 93.
The Legacy:
Siegal was working as a model when Superman creator Joe Shuster enlisted her services (namely, standing, not moving, standing some more in a slightly different way) in creating Lois Lane. And then she married Superman’s co-creator, Jerry Siegel. Awww! Apparently Jerry was the model for Superman. On the meeting, Siegel recalled: "I remember the day I met Jerry in Joe's living room. Jerry was the model for Superman. He was standing there in a Superman-like pose...” – how utterly pimpin’ and smooth! – “…He said their character was going to fly through the air, and he leaped off the couch to demonstrate." Jumping off a couch like Superman – before Superman is even a thing – is possibly the best way to fuck a first impression, short of hurling on a lady’s shoes.
Many years later, they met again and married. Like something out of a romantic comedy starring Julia Roberts! Aww! And then both creators sold the rights to Superman and they all became rat-king broke. Like something out of awful, horrible real life. Aww!
Siegal later sued DC Comics and won, for Superman and Superboy; whose copyright she and her daughter owned in 2004, while Superboy was on TV, aka Smallville.
12 February
Who?
Kenneth Mars, better known as Otto from Malcolm in the Middle, and Ariel’s Dad King Triton in The Little Mermaid
How:
Pancreatic Cancer
The Legacy
From a dim-witted-but-well-meaning German boss, to the king of the Disney Sea, this was one beloved, chubby dude.
But hey, now you can have a crack at Ariel without her dad getting all tidal wave on your ass.
14 February
Who?
Catherine Masters, British supercentenarian who became the last living person who was born in Scotland during the 19th century and the Victorian era.
How:
Complications from the installation of a new pacemaker.
The Legacy
Masters was the oldest living person in Scotland. She was the only remaining person born in the 1800s.
Her grandson Robert said Masters was ‘the fittest 111-year-old I have ever met’. How many meet-and-greets with 111 year olds he could base that on is unknown. Considering this is a country whose people happily deep fry a phone book and eat it after 42 beers, there are probably 14 year olds who look about 72.
Oh, and you know how British people get a letter from the queen when they turn 100? Turns out they also get one every year AFTER that, but Her Royal Tightarse doesn’t change the photo.
When she complained, she got a new one for her 110th, and an apologetic visit from Prince William.
Picture
Notice the new expression: ‘I can’t believe I have to pose for another fucking photo. Just DIE, already!’
16 February
Who?
Len Lesser, aka Uncle Leo
How?
Cancer-related pneumonia.
The Legacy:
Since 1949, Lesser worked with greats like Clint Eastwood, Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Streisand. Also, with precision timing, he enlisted in the army the day after the Pearl Harbor attack. But we’ll always remember him as Jerry Seinfeld’s Uncle Leo. HELLOOOO and good bye, to one of the hardest working men in show business.
21 February
Who?
Premananda, spiritual guru, and some other less fluffy stuff.
How:
Complications arising from illness.
The Legacy
His one goal in life was to “to show the existence of God to as many as he possibly could in his lifetime.” Unfortunately, his idea of 'showing people god' was allegedly doing a rape on them and getting them to the afterlife ASAFP: In November 1994, he and six other Ashram residents were arrested and charged with rape and murder. He was sentenced to life imprisonment and staunchly denied these claims through the rest of his life: “I have never committed any crime. I have surrendered totally to the Divine. Truth will ultimately win.”
THE CURSE OF DR WHO
22 February, 19 April, 8 June
Who?
Nicholas Courtney, Elisabeth Sladen & Roy Skelton (The Brigadier, Sarah Jane and the voice of Daleks & Cybermen, all from lame-ass British sci-fi series, Doctor Who – Who fanatics come at us, Bro)
How?
Officially - cancer, cancer, stroke. Unofficially – Dalek conspiracy
The Legacy:
Future generations will remember 2011 as the year that the Daleks finally broke the fourth wall and started killing off Doctor Who cast members. We can only hope that in coming years other fictional villains follow suit. Who amongst us wouldn’t delight at seeing Shia LeBeouf have his head ripped off by Starscream on live TV? And surely Hayden Christensen deserves some sort of punishment for Attack of the Clones?
I, for one, welcome our new Dalek overlords. I mean, for someone who is constantly saving mankind, or the whole time-space continuum or whatever bullshit it is that week, that Doctor guy sure puts a lot of effort into looking and acting like a prissy little bitch. I mean, does he have any cool powers besides faffing about and muttering “Oh, crumbs?”
15 March
Who?
Smiley Culture: Reggae Star
How?
We’ll get to that.
The Legacy:
Lovable, laugh-a-minute larrikin Smiley Culture was a British reggae star of the 80s, having produced two hugely acclaimed singles of that decade.
The first hit, “Cockney Translation” was a light-hearted take (with a serious message) on the Jamaican-Cockney culture clash. The second hit, “Police Officer”, was a light-hearted take (with a serious message) on the Police-Jamaican culture clash. In other words, it was about being arrested for smoking pot.
Following this, the public appears to have become a bit tired of light-hearted takes (with serious messages) and Smiley Culture wasn’t heard from again until he STABBED HIMSELF IN THE HEART AND DIED DURING A POLICE RAID ON HIS HOUSE. Not very light-hearted Smiley, but we certainly got your serious message.
21 March
Who?
Mayhew Foster, Nazi Courier. Like a courier OF Nazis, not a courier who WAS a Nazi – oh, just read the damn thing...
How?
Natural causes, aged 99
The Legacy
Mayhew “Bo” Foster was the WWII pilot who flew Goering to his captivity and interrogation. For those of you who aren’t World War II buffs, Goering was a big fat Nazi. By ‘big’, we mean important – he was head of the Luftwaffe (that’s the German air force, numb-nuts). By ‘fat’, we mean ‘fat’ – he was over 300lb and Mayhew had to fly a larger plane than normal because he was so goddamned fat. When he sat around the Reichstag, he sat ARRRROOOOUUUNNNDDDD the Reichstag.
When asked for his thoughts on the Nazi wurst-hider, Mayhew was heard to remark that Goering was “effeminate” and “gave him the creeps.” Mayhew claimed that having the World’s Fattest Nazi in his plane made him want to turn the thing upside down and see if he could shake him out of his seat.
Who’s the (body-) fascist now?
4 April
Who?
Scott Columbus, ex-drummer for Manowar
How?
Not currently known
The legacy:
If you don’t know the cult HEAVY METAL band Manowar, boy-o-boy are you missing out. Basically, they’re Spinal Tap for realsies. Some actual Manowar lyrics include: “If you’re not into METAL, you are not my friend”, and “May your sword stay wet, like a young girl in her prime”. Manowar sing exclusively about battles, swords, wizards, and the magical power of heavy metal. Oh, and they also sing a lot about how loud and awesome the band Manowar is.
The story of Scott Columbus is the story of the most METAL drummer ever. The story goes that he was discovered by one of Manowar’s female fans (of which there are LITERALLY THOUSANDS), beating the SHIT out of some METAL at a METAL FOUNDRY. This is an unconfirmed story, and it raises questions. Why does Manowar have fans that aren’t fat male nerds? What was this female Manowar fan doing at a foundry? Did she work there or was she there just to seek out more METAL? And having discovered the oh-so-very-METAL drumming of Scott Columbus at said foundry, did she then just call up the other band members and tell them to hire him? How does that work?
Regardless, Columbus was Manowar’s longest serving drummer and was famous for his “Drums of Doom”, a specially constructed drumkit made from stainless steel. The drums of doom – oh, sorry – the Drums of Doom were deemed necessary when Scott’s unbelievably METAL playing style proved too rough for normal drumkits.
Also, Scott had tattoos. DEATH TO FALSE METAL.
16 April
Who?
Sol Saks, creator of Bewitched
How:
Pneumonia.
The Legacy
Saks wrote the pilot to the hit show, and never wrote another episode. "He just sat back and took in the royalties," said Paul Wayne, a longtime friend and writer who worked on the show who is not at all bitter.
Saks said his inspiration came from two films: 1942's I Married a Witch, starring Fredric March and Veronica Lake, and 1958's Bell Book and Candle, starring James Stewart and Kim Novak."He was pretty honest about the fact it wasn't a particularly original idea," Wayne, again, not bitter, told the Los Angeles Times.
Now watch out for other chancers combining two movies into a TV pilot: So I Married an Axe Murderer + Forrest Gump becomes the terrifying story of a femme fatal chasing down a simpleton baby boomer. And Showgirls + Cocoon becomes… never mind.
28 April
Who?
Captain Koloth, aka William Campbell.
How:
Natural Causes: Dude was 87.
The Legacy
Originally appearing in Star Trek as super-being Trelane, Campbell first played the Captain in ‘The Trouble with Tribbles’ (you know, the one where Shatner goes head to head with terrifying multiplying furballs, and proceeds to act the shit out of them). Campbell was married three times. His first wife was later involved with John F Kennedy, since once you go Klingon nothing short of a president will do.
1 May
Who?
Ted Lowe, snooker commentator
How?
Natural causes, aged 90
The Legacy
Ted was known as “Whispering Ted” purely for his hushed and husky commentating style. The nickname had nothing to do with the filthy and unnecessarily explicit things Ted liked to whisper to his grandchildren after a few stiff brandys. He doesn’t even have grandchildren, so just drop it.
Yes, good ol’ Whispering Ted. Whispering Ted was ‘the voice of snooker’ in the UK, and was the main commentator on long-running snooker TV show “Pot Black” for over 25 years, goddammit. He didn’t have grandchildren. At all.
Ted’s most famous gaffe came back in the early days of colour television when he said “…and for those of you who are watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green.” Get it? Coz how would you know which was one pink and which was one green on a black and white TV? Ha! Oh, Whispering Ted, you’re such a card
21 May
Who?
Echo Valley: Porn Star, Goddess of Irony
How?
Car accident
The Legacy:
After starring in dozens of thoughtful, probing films with titles like “Hooter Nation”, “Big Tit Party”, “Big Boobs 5” and “Mega Tits Volume 9”, Ms Valley’s own personal supply of airbags failed to deploy when she was “rear-ended” by a truck. She was sent flying from her vehicle as a result and died at the scene.
According to close friends, Ms Valley didn’t wear a seatbelt because her freaking huge mammaja-bammaja boobies kept getting in the way. And so, the very breasts that had gotten her through life also caused her untimely death.
Confucius say “Get breast reduction surgery and a real job, ho.”
6 June
Who?
Shrek, Outlaw sheep
How:
Put down after advice of a veterinary surgeon. The advice may or may not have been, ‘he thinks he’s better than us! He’ll kill us all!’
The Legacy
New Zealand loves two things: Peter Jackson and sheep. Just ask any Australian – they’re programmed at birth to have a comprehensive database of witty ‘New Zealanders enjoy sexual congress with sheep’ jokes.
One sheep, though, didn’t love New Zealanders back. This sheep was Shrek.
Merino sheep are shorn annually. This guy avoided the clippers for SIX YEARS, hiding in caves to avoid the cold kiss of Madame Razor. This guy must have just been a cloud with legs: an angry, burr-covered cloud. He had enough wool to make suits for 20 men (or 70 Beibers). An average merino loses 9.9 lbs of wool per shear. This guy had 33lbs.
RIP you angry, burr-covered cloud. They could take your wool, but they could never take your dignity.
23 June
Who?
Eugene Jules "Gene" Colan, Comic book artist for over 60 years
How:
Complications of cancer and liver disease
The Legacy
Best known for drawing Daredevil, Colan also created art for Howard the Duck and the Falcon. And do you think glaucoma slowed him down? Did it fuck. Since the early 90s he was nearly blind in one eye and had tunnel vision in the other. But that didn’t stop scores of muscular, barely-clothed men bursting from his pencil. Figuratively.
Growing up, he ‘just drew everything in sight. My grandfather was my favorite subject’ given his subject matter over the resulting years; we’re forced to assume that his pop-pop was the burliest senior citizen alive.
30 June
Who?
Barry Bremen, ‘The Great Imposter’.
How:
Esophageal cancer
The Legacy
Have you ever seen those ‘RESTRICTED ACCESS’ signs at sporting events and thought, ‘what if I just, like, pretended to be a basketball player’? But of course you didn’t have the balls to try it on. This novelty-goods salesman did.
In a time when security wasn’t as bells-and-whistles-disco-freakout hardcore as it is in modern times, this self-described “professional impostor,” started in 1979 by stealing a basketball uniform and sneaking onto the court during warm-ups before the N.B.A. All-Star Game in Detroit. He took several shots before anyone realized and he was kicked out.
But pretending to be a basketballer? Any thin dude with some height can do that. He wanted a challenge. So during a game between the Dallas Cowboys and the Washington Redskins, he slipped onto the sidelines. Pretending to be a footballer, you think? Dude, that’s small potatoes. He dieted. He shaved. He got himself a custom-made Cowboys cheerleader outfit, popped on a blonde wig (sexy) and let the pom poms fly. The Cowboys kicked him out and sued him (possibly for ‘eliciting erections via false means’), but later let the matter go.
Though he only ever got away with it for a few minutes at a time, over the span of his life he also impersonated baseballers; played practice rounds in pro golf tournaments, and accepted Emmys.
And he was only arrested once.
7 July
Who?
Josef Suk, violinist
How?
Prostate cancer.
The Legacy
Josef Suk didn’t live up to his unfortunate surname when it came to playing violin. By which it is meant that he didn’t suck at it, and first started on concert platforms at the age of 11.
Suk don’t give a fuk that you think his surname is funny. In fact, he started the Suk Chamber Orchestra and the Suk Trio, and then just stood there glaring, daring you to say something. Go on, see what happens. The guy is from Eastern Europe, so you know he’s got a knife on him somewhere.
Suk won many distinguished music prizes throughout his career, including the Wiener Floetenuhr Prize. Yes, the Wiener went to Suk that year. You can bet he took an extra-sharp knife to that award ceremony.
8 July
Who?
Betty Ford, boozehound and pill-popper
How?
Natural causes, aged 93.
The Legacy
Betty Ford is a name synonymous with celebrity drug use, which is a pretty cool thing to have your name be synonymous with, when you think about. Well, it beats ‘Jeffrey Dahmer’ or ‘Jay Leno’. Anyway, yeah, “The Betty Ford Clinic”, that’s what she’ll be remembered for. Also, her husband was famous for some reason.
In 1978, Betty’s family staged an intervention, having finally tired of Betty constantly “tripping balls” and “peeing on the rug.” Betty’s drug(s) of choice? Well, she put it best in her 1987 memoir: “I liked alcohol… And I loved pills.” Betty didn’t mince words. Though it is possible that she lost the ability to mince words back in those dark day-glo seventies.
In fact, Betty’s straight-talking ways were the cause of much consternation back in the day. She would happily bang on about smoking pot, premarital sex, and claimed she wouldn’t be surprised if she found out her daughter was having an affair. Most controversial of all however, was her shock admission to the nation that she slept IN THE SAME BED as her husband.
Rumors that she accompanied Deicide as Glenn Benton’s “Satan Bitch” on a European tour in the mid-nineties are wholly unfounded.
9 July
Who?
Würzel, god of metal
How?
Ventricular fibrillation
The Legacy
Other overlooked deaths from 2011 include band members from girly girl bands Weezer and Manowar. Würzel, however, was guitarist for Motörhead. Now pipe down and show some fucking respect. The following sentences are factual and make Manowar look like the soppy little bitches they are.
1. Motörhead was started by a man called Lemmy when he got kicked out of Hawkwind for taking too much speed
2. Before joining Motörhead, Würzel was in some other bands. They were called “Bastard” and “Warfare”.
3. “Weezer” means “a person that can’t breathe properly, and who cries”.
4. Würzel’s original nickname was Worzel, after famous British scarecrow Worzel Gummidge. Then Lemmy said: “Add an umlaut”. Lo, an umlaut was added and Lemmy beheld his creation
5. In 1998, following a mind-bending acid trip in Belgium, Würzel released a solo album called “Chill Out Or Die.”
6. Upon Würzel’s death, Dave Grohl dedicated a song to him. Then he made sure his hair looked good and everyone could see his neck tattoo.
...Stay tuned for part 2, coming out December 31st!
Lisa-Skye is a Melbourne-based writer and comedian. See more of her here.
Paul Rasche is a Melbournian writer and illustrator. See some of his stuff here:
Read more!
Every year, I write about overlooked deaths. And every year, there are far too many to chuck into the one article. So I overwrite, and let them pick the most relevant ones.
This year, like last year, my much-funnier-than-I mate, Paul Rasche, wrote half of them. Many of the best ones below are his.
So: Lois Lane, Manowar drummers, Porn Stars, Uncle Leo... here are 20 (TWENTY!) more overlooked deaths.
And stay tuned for Part 2, featuring 13 more, coming up on December 31st!
Steve Jobs. Amy Winehouse. Steve Jobs. Osama Bin Laden. Elizabeth Taylor. Steve Jobs. Pete Postlethwaite. Heavy D (of ‘… & the Boyz’). Every year cruel Lady Mortality claims many of our best (and heaviest). Every year, Cracked has you covered in the ‘now I’m sad for something I didn’t even know happened in June’ department.
And like every year, we eagerly await your comments bitching about how we missed someone, be they not ‘overlooked’ or otherwise. We love that shit.
23 January
Who?
Peter Gibb, Smooth Criminal
How?
Injuries sustained from beating
The Legacy:
When career criminal Peter Gibb was witnessed entering a broom cupboard with a female prison guard, no-one thought the outcome would be good. Little did they realize that the illicit liaison would lead to a trail of awesomeness the likes of which have not been seen since Die Hard 2.
In ’93, when Die Hard 2 was still fresh in our young minds, Gibb got his smoking hot* prison guard girlfriend to smuggle in some explosives, which he then used to blow out a window and escape with another prisoner. In a ploy that is deeply staggering in terms of just how clichéd it is, they actually climbed down to street level on a rope made of knotted bedsheets. A police chase ensued which involved several crashes and lots of shooting. At the end of the police chase, Gibb had a broken arm, a police revolver and was last seen leaving the scene in a stolen police van, cackling maniacally as Batman looked on from above.
Gibb followed all this up with probably the least clichéd death of 2011, the details of which remain bafflingly unclear. Seems Gibb had locked some kid in a freezer as a “practical joke”. Seems the kid’s associates didn’t think said joke was very funny. Seems said associates beat seven shades of shit of out of Gibb and he died shortly thereafter. Yippy ki-aye.
*not really
12 February
Who?
Joanne Siegel, the real Lois Lane
How?
From being 93.
The Legacy:
Siegal was working as a model when Superman creator Joe Shuster enlisted her services (namely, standing, not moving, standing some more in a slightly different way) in creating Lois Lane. And then she married Superman’s co-creator, Jerry Siegel. Awww! Apparently Jerry was the model for Superman. On the meeting, Siegel recalled: "I remember the day I met Jerry in Joe's living room. Jerry was the model for Superman. He was standing there in a Superman-like pose...” – how utterly pimpin’ and smooth! – “…He said their character was going to fly through the air, and he leaped off the couch to demonstrate." Jumping off a couch like Superman – before Superman is even a thing – is possibly the best way to fuck a first impression, short of hurling on a lady’s shoes.
Many years later, they met again and married. Like something out of a romantic comedy starring Julia Roberts! Aww! And then both creators sold the rights to Superman and they all became rat-king broke. Like something out of awful, horrible real life. Aww!
Siegal later sued DC Comics and won, for Superman and Superboy; whose copyright she and her daughter owned in 2004, while Superboy was on TV, aka Smallville.
12 February
Who?
Kenneth Mars, better known as Otto from Malcolm in the Middle, and Ariel’s Dad King Triton in The Little Mermaid
How:
Pancreatic Cancer
The Legacy
From a dim-witted-but-well-meaning German boss, to the king of the Disney Sea, this was one beloved, chubby dude.
But hey, now you can have a crack at Ariel without her dad getting all tidal wave on your ass.
14 February
Who?
Catherine Masters, British supercentenarian who became the last living person who was born in Scotland during the 19th century and the Victorian era.
How:
Complications from the installation of a new pacemaker.
The Legacy
Masters was the oldest living person in Scotland. She was the only remaining person born in the 1800s.
Her grandson Robert said Masters was ‘the fittest 111-year-old I have ever met’. How many meet-and-greets with 111 year olds he could base that on is unknown. Considering this is a country whose people happily deep fry a phone book and eat it after 42 beers, there are probably 14 year olds who look about 72.
Oh, and you know how British people get a letter from the queen when they turn 100? Turns out they also get one every year AFTER that, but Her Royal Tightarse doesn’t change the photo.
When she complained, she got a new one for her 110th, and an apologetic visit from Prince William.
Picture
Notice the new expression: ‘I can’t believe I have to pose for another fucking photo. Just DIE, already!’
16 February
Who?
Len Lesser, aka Uncle Leo
How?
Cancer-related pneumonia.
The Legacy:
Since 1949, Lesser worked with greats like Clint Eastwood, Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Streisand. Also, with precision timing, he enlisted in the army the day after the Pearl Harbor attack. But we’ll always remember him as Jerry Seinfeld’s Uncle Leo. HELLOOOO and good bye, to one of the hardest working men in show business.
21 February
Who?
Premananda, spiritual guru, and some other less fluffy stuff.
How:
Complications arising from illness.
The Legacy
His one goal in life was to “to show the existence of God to as many as he possibly could in his lifetime.” Unfortunately, his idea of 'showing people god' was allegedly doing a rape on them and getting them to the afterlife ASAFP: In November 1994, he and six other Ashram residents were arrested and charged with rape and murder. He was sentenced to life imprisonment and staunchly denied these claims through the rest of his life: “I have never committed any crime. I have surrendered totally to the Divine. Truth will ultimately win.”
THE CURSE OF DR WHO
22 February, 19 April, 8 June
Who?
Nicholas Courtney, Elisabeth Sladen & Roy Skelton (The Brigadier, Sarah Jane and the voice of Daleks & Cybermen, all from lame-ass British sci-fi series, Doctor Who – Who fanatics come at us, Bro)
How?
Officially - cancer, cancer, stroke. Unofficially – Dalek conspiracy
The Legacy:
Future generations will remember 2011 as the year that the Daleks finally broke the fourth wall and started killing off Doctor Who cast members. We can only hope that in coming years other fictional villains follow suit. Who amongst us wouldn’t delight at seeing Shia LeBeouf have his head ripped off by Starscream on live TV? And surely Hayden Christensen deserves some sort of punishment for Attack of the Clones?
I, for one, welcome our new Dalek overlords. I mean, for someone who is constantly saving mankind, or the whole time-space continuum or whatever bullshit it is that week, that Doctor guy sure puts a lot of effort into looking and acting like a prissy little bitch. I mean, does he have any cool powers besides faffing about and muttering “Oh, crumbs?”
15 March
Who?
Smiley Culture: Reggae Star
How?
We’ll get to that.
The Legacy:
Lovable, laugh-a-minute larrikin Smiley Culture was a British reggae star of the 80s, having produced two hugely acclaimed singles of that decade.
The first hit, “Cockney Translation” was a light-hearted take (with a serious message) on the Jamaican-Cockney culture clash. The second hit, “Police Officer”, was a light-hearted take (with a serious message) on the Police-Jamaican culture clash. In other words, it was about being arrested for smoking pot.
Following this, the public appears to have become a bit tired of light-hearted takes (with serious messages) and Smiley Culture wasn’t heard from again until he STABBED HIMSELF IN THE HEART AND DIED DURING A POLICE RAID ON HIS HOUSE. Not very light-hearted Smiley, but we certainly got your serious message.
21 March
Who?
Mayhew Foster, Nazi Courier. Like a courier OF Nazis, not a courier who WAS a Nazi – oh, just read the damn thing...
How?
Natural causes, aged 99
The Legacy
Mayhew “Bo” Foster was the WWII pilot who flew Goering to his captivity and interrogation. For those of you who aren’t World War II buffs, Goering was a big fat Nazi. By ‘big’, we mean important – he was head of the Luftwaffe (that’s the German air force, numb-nuts). By ‘fat’, we mean ‘fat’ – he was over 300lb and Mayhew had to fly a larger plane than normal because he was so goddamned fat. When he sat around the Reichstag, he sat ARRRROOOOUUUNNNDDDD the Reichstag.
When asked for his thoughts on the Nazi wurst-hider, Mayhew was heard to remark that Goering was “effeminate” and “gave him the creeps.” Mayhew claimed that having the World’s Fattest Nazi in his plane made him want to turn the thing upside down and see if he could shake him out of his seat.
Who’s the (body-) fascist now?
4 April
Who?
Scott Columbus, ex-drummer for Manowar
How?
Not currently known
The legacy:
If you don’t know the cult HEAVY METAL band Manowar, boy-o-boy are you missing out. Basically, they’re Spinal Tap for realsies. Some actual Manowar lyrics include: “If you’re not into METAL, you are not my friend”, and “May your sword stay wet, like a young girl in her prime”. Manowar sing exclusively about battles, swords, wizards, and the magical power of heavy metal. Oh, and they also sing a lot about how loud and awesome the band Manowar is.
The story of Scott Columbus is the story of the most METAL drummer ever. The story goes that he was discovered by one of Manowar’s female fans (of which there are LITERALLY THOUSANDS), beating the SHIT out of some METAL at a METAL FOUNDRY. This is an unconfirmed story, and it raises questions. Why does Manowar have fans that aren’t fat male nerds? What was this female Manowar fan doing at a foundry? Did she work there or was she there just to seek out more METAL? And having discovered the oh-so-very-METAL drumming of Scott Columbus at said foundry, did she then just call up the other band members and tell them to hire him? How does that work?
Regardless, Columbus was Manowar’s longest serving drummer and was famous for his “Drums of Doom”, a specially constructed drumkit made from stainless steel. The drums of doom – oh, sorry – the Drums of Doom were deemed necessary when Scott’s unbelievably METAL playing style proved too rough for normal drumkits.
Also, Scott had tattoos. DEATH TO FALSE METAL.
16 April
Who?
Sol Saks, creator of Bewitched
How:
Pneumonia.
The Legacy
Saks wrote the pilot to the hit show, and never wrote another episode. "He just sat back and took in the royalties," said Paul Wayne, a longtime friend and writer who worked on the show who is not at all bitter.
Saks said his inspiration came from two films: 1942's I Married a Witch, starring Fredric March and Veronica Lake, and 1958's Bell Book and Candle, starring James Stewart and Kim Novak."He was pretty honest about the fact it wasn't a particularly original idea," Wayne, again, not bitter, told the Los Angeles Times.
Now watch out for other chancers combining two movies into a TV pilot: So I Married an Axe Murderer + Forrest Gump becomes the terrifying story of a femme fatal chasing down a simpleton baby boomer. And Showgirls + Cocoon becomes… never mind.
28 April
Who?
Captain Koloth, aka William Campbell.
How:
Natural Causes: Dude was 87.
The Legacy
Originally appearing in Star Trek as super-being Trelane, Campbell first played the Captain in ‘The Trouble with Tribbles’ (you know, the one where Shatner goes head to head with terrifying multiplying furballs, and proceeds to act the shit out of them). Campbell was married three times. His first wife was later involved with John F Kennedy, since once you go Klingon nothing short of a president will do.
1 May
Who?
Ted Lowe, snooker commentator
How?
Natural causes, aged 90
The Legacy
Ted was known as “Whispering Ted” purely for his hushed and husky commentating style. The nickname had nothing to do with the filthy and unnecessarily explicit things Ted liked to whisper to his grandchildren after a few stiff brandys. He doesn’t even have grandchildren, so just drop it.
Yes, good ol’ Whispering Ted. Whispering Ted was ‘the voice of snooker’ in the UK, and was the main commentator on long-running snooker TV show “Pot Black” for over 25 years, goddammit. He didn’t have grandchildren. At all.
Ted’s most famous gaffe came back in the early days of colour television when he said “…and for those of you who are watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green.” Get it? Coz how would you know which was one pink and which was one green on a black and white TV? Ha! Oh, Whispering Ted, you’re such a card
21 May
Who?
Echo Valley: Porn Star, Goddess of Irony
How?
Car accident
The Legacy:
After starring in dozens of thoughtful, probing films with titles like “Hooter Nation”, “Big Tit Party”, “Big Boobs 5” and “Mega Tits Volume 9”, Ms Valley’s own personal supply of airbags failed to deploy when she was “rear-ended” by a truck. She was sent flying from her vehicle as a result and died at the scene.
According to close friends, Ms Valley didn’t wear a seatbelt because her freaking huge mammaja-bammaja boobies kept getting in the way. And so, the very breasts that had gotten her through life also caused her untimely death.
Confucius say “Get breast reduction surgery and a real job, ho.”
6 June
Who?
Shrek, Outlaw sheep
How:
Put down after advice of a veterinary surgeon. The advice may or may not have been, ‘he thinks he’s better than us! He’ll kill us all!’
The Legacy
New Zealand loves two things: Peter Jackson and sheep. Just ask any Australian – they’re programmed at birth to have a comprehensive database of witty ‘New Zealanders enjoy sexual congress with sheep’ jokes.
One sheep, though, didn’t love New Zealanders back. This sheep was Shrek.
Merino sheep are shorn annually. This guy avoided the clippers for SIX YEARS, hiding in caves to avoid the cold kiss of Madame Razor. This guy must have just been a cloud with legs: an angry, burr-covered cloud. He had enough wool to make suits for 20 men (or 70 Beibers). An average merino loses 9.9 lbs of wool per shear. This guy had 33lbs.
RIP you angry, burr-covered cloud. They could take your wool, but they could never take your dignity.
23 June
Who?
Eugene Jules "Gene" Colan, Comic book artist for over 60 years
How:
Complications of cancer and liver disease
The Legacy
Best known for drawing Daredevil, Colan also created art for Howard the Duck and the Falcon. And do you think glaucoma slowed him down? Did it fuck. Since the early 90s he was nearly blind in one eye and had tunnel vision in the other. But that didn’t stop scores of muscular, barely-clothed men bursting from his pencil. Figuratively.
Growing up, he ‘just drew everything in sight. My grandfather was my favorite subject’ given his subject matter over the resulting years; we’re forced to assume that his pop-pop was the burliest senior citizen alive.
30 June
Who?
Barry Bremen, ‘The Great Imposter’.
How:
Esophageal cancer
The Legacy
Have you ever seen those ‘RESTRICTED ACCESS’ signs at sporting events and thought, ‘what if I just, like, pretended to be a basketball player’? But of course you didn’t have the balls to try it on. This novelty-goods salesman did.
In a time when security wasn’t as bells-and-whistles-disco-freakout hardcore as it is in modern times, this self-described “professional impostor,” started in 1979 by stealing a basketball uniform and sneaking onto the court during warm-ups before the N.B.A. All-Star Game in Detroit. He took several shots before anyone realized and he was kicked out.
But pretending to be a basketballer? Any thin dude with some height can do that. He wanted a challenge. So during a game between the Dallas Cowboys and the Washington Redskins, he slipped onto the sidelines. Pretending to be a footballer, you think? Dude, that’s small potatoes. He dieted. He shaved. He got himself a custom-made Cowboys cheerleader outfit, popped on a blonde wig (sexy) and let the pom poms fly. The Cowboys kicked him out and sued him (possibly for ‘eliciting erections via false means’), but later let the matter go.
Though he only ever got away with it for a few minutes at a time, over the span of his life he also impersonated baseballers; played practice rounds in pro golf tournaments, and accepted Emmys.
And he was only arrested once.
7 July
Who?
Josef Suk, violinist
How?
Prostate cancer.
The Legacy
Josef Suk didn’t live up to his unfortunate surname when it came to playing violin. By which it is meant that he didn’t suck at it, and first started on concert platforms at the age of 11.
Suk don’t give a fuk that you think his surname is funny. In fact, he started the Suk Chamber Orchestra and the Suk Trio, and then just stood there glaring, daring you to say something. Go on, see what happens. The guy is from Eastern Europe, so you know he’s got a knife on him somewhere.
Suk won many distinguished music prizes throughout his career, including the Wiener Floetenuhr Prize. Yes, the Wiener went to Suk that year. You can bet he took an extra-sharp knife to that award ceremony.
8 July
Who?
Betty Ford, boozehound and pill-popper
How?
Natural causes, aged 93.
The Legacy
Betty Ford is a name synonymous with celebrity drug use, which is a pretty cool thing to have your name be synonymous with, when you think about. Well, it beats ‘Jeffrey Dahmer’ or ‘Jay Leno’. Anyway, yeah, “The Betty Ford Clinic”, that’s what she’ll be remembered for. Also, her husband was famous for some reason.
In 1978, Betty’s family staged an intervention, having finally tired of Betty constantly “tripping balls” and “peeing on the rug.” Betty’s drug(s) of choice? Well, she put it best in her 1987 memoir: “I liked alcohol… And I loved pills.” Betty didn’t mince words. Though it is possible that she lost the ability to mince words back in those dark day-glo seventies.
In fact, Betty’s straight-talking ways were the cause of much consternation back in the day. She would happily bang on about smoking pot, premarital sex, and claimed she wouldn’t be surprised if she found out her daughter was having an affair. Most controversial of all however, was her shock admission to the nation that she slept IN THE SAME BED as her husband.
Rumors that she accompanied Deicide as Glenn Benton’s “Satan Bitch” on a European tour in the mid-nineties are wholly unfounded.
9 July
Who?
Würzel, god of metal
How?
Ventricular fibrillation
The Legacy
Other overlooked deaths from 2011 include band members from girly girl bands Weezer and Manowar. Würzel, however, was guitarist for Motörhead. Now pipe down and show some fucking respect. The following sentences are factual and make Manowar look like the soppy little bitches they are.
1. Motörhead was started by a man called Lemmy when he got kicked out of Hawkwind for taking too much speed
2. Before joining Motörhead, Würzel was in some other bands. They were called “Bastard” and “Warfare”.
3. “Weezer” means “a person that can’t breathe properly, and who cries”.
4. Würzel’s original nickname was Worzel, after famous British scarecrow Worzel Gummidge. Then Lemmy said: “Add an umlaut”. Lo, an umlaut was added and Lemmy beheld his creation
5. In 1998, following a mind-bending acid trip in Belgium, Würzel released a solo album called “Chill Out Or Die.”
6. Upon Würzel’s death, Dave Grohl dedicated a song to him. Then he made sure his hair looked good and everyone could see his neck tattoo.
...Stay tuned for part 2, coming out December 31st!
Lisa-Skye is a Melbourne-based writer and comedian. See more of her here.
Paul Rasche is a Melbournian writer and illustrator. See some of his stuff here:
Thursday, 22 December 2011
Hello Cracked Readers!
Coming within 24 hours of my new article being posted on Cracked.com: the dozen or so 'deleted scenes' of YET MORE Overlooked Celebrity Deaths. Who went, and why is it funny? Stay tuned! And there's nothing more to say right now. But hey, stay golden, riggadoon.
Read more!
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
Dangerous Curves Ahead!
I'm performing/co-MCing this event for midsumma. Come along!
I'm doing a new metronome piece that's a bit awkward, and also a bit of a spoken word manifesto. For something very unlikely. 'Read More' for info and links...
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Buy Tickets Read more!
I'm doing a new metronome piece that's a bit awkward, and also a bit of a spoken word manifesto. For something very unlikely. 'Read More' for info and links...
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Buy Tickets Read more!
Monday, 27 December 2010
Where Aren’t They Now? Overlooked Deaths of 2010 - Deleted Scenes Part 2 of 2
By Lisa-Skye Ioannidis, Nicholas Rasche and Paul Rasche
Considering the last six months of 2010 started with getting hit by a car, then included full time work, producing and preforming an eight-show Melbourne Fringe season, a month in Beijing and then some collarbone surgery, I got two co-writers in to help me out with the writing for this one.
I did the research and some of the jokes, they did the rest of the write up. The Rasche brothers are two of the funniest guys I've ever met, and working with them was a joy (Nick I've done three shows with in the past, and Paul has made me laugh til I can't breathe on many an occasion. He's also an astounding artist and has designed my 2011 tattoo).
Here's the original article on Cracked.
And here's the first 14.
After the jump, the last 14 of the deleted scenes!
July 5: Co-Founder of Greenpeace
Who: Jim Bohlen
How: Harpooned by Japanese fisherman/clear-felled to make way for cattle grazing land for MacDonalds/when you got to go, you got to go, man.
The legacy: Originally an engineer who worked on the Atlas ICBM missile program, he saw the error of his ways and moved to Canada, setting a precedent thousands of disillusioned US voters in 1968, 1972, 1980, 1984, 1988, 2000 and 2004 would fail to follow. In addition to being one of the original founders of Greenpeace, Bohlen ran unsuccessfully for election for the Green Party, setting a much more successful precedent that endures to this day.
July 15: Speed Racer
Who: Peter Fernandez, the man who introduced America to Speed Racer
How: Lung Cancer
The Legacy: Peter Fernandez was a voice actor and director with a career stretching over 40 years, but he is best known for his involvement with the anime series ‘Speed Racer’, for which he was the co-writer, voice director and translator for the English language version of the theme song. He was a key figure in the introduction of Japanese anime to English language audiences, earning the gratitude of animation fans/perverts across the world. His spirit is currently either being serviced by round-eyed schoolgirls with impossible huge breasts or subjected to an eternity of tentacle rape. We’re hoping both.
July 24: 31st Richest Person in the World (Not Anymore)
WHO: Theo Albrecht, a man catering to both yuppies and bargain-hunting scavengers alike: he was past owner of both Aldi and Trader Joe's. Theo was kidnapped for 17 days in 1971. He was 49 at the time. A $4.67 million ransom was paid for his release, proving terrorism works.
HOW: Cause unknown.
The Legacy: After the kidnapping, Albrecht became a fiercely private man. The last published photo of him dates to 1971, one day after his kidnapping. In a world where billionaires compete with each other to accumulate the most friends of Facebook, that’s kind of refreshing. And if you grabbed Mark Zuckerberg and held him in a pit in your basement for three weeks, you’d be bound to get more than 4 million.
[Pic: Mark Zuckerberg. Caption: Maybe not]
July 28: Oldest person on both Facebook and Twitter
Who: Ivy Bean
How: Liver failure.
The Legacy:
What does a 104 year old tweet about? 'brb have to go spend an hour in the bathroom expelling my weekly bowel movement - twit pics to follow'? 'Woke up. Good. Hip hurts. Bad.' Actually, she 'discussed her life in a care home, her favorite meal, and episodes of Deal or No Deal she had seen'. So even better. And 56,000 followers on Twitter ate that shit up. Just think of that next time you labor over a pithy bon mot for your 23 followers.
August 30: The Jell-o Wid-o
Who: Lynn Turner
How: Suicide
The Legacy:
A former 911 operator, Turner just wouldn't stop poisoning the people she boned for the sweet, sweet life insurance: both her husband and her boyfriend succumbed to her delicious Jell-O, the secret ingredient in which was antifreeze. Hell hath no fury like a gold digger with access to hoof-based desserts.
August 31: Angry Neighbour
WHO: You think you have earnest neighbors? Vale Franklin Brito, the most passionate yet
HOW: Hunger strike, rising from a dispute over land. The Venezuelan government may not have been completely on the level here, but the fact remains this dude starved himself to death for some farmland. In 2010, not 1210.
The Legacy: You know that guy in the apartment next to you who complains about you ‘thumping around’ making all that noise? Meanwhile you’re in your padded boots on your pillow rug, barely making contact with the floor? Slide Brito’s Wiki entry under his door, cancel his subscription to Pizza Monthly and await the solution.
September 14: Creator of 'The Club' Car Lock
Who: James E Winner Jr
How: Car accident
The legacy: Born in 1929 to a poor farming family, Winner Jr gained immortality as the inventor of ‘The Club’, although mechanic Charles Johnson who worked on the device claimed credit as co-creator in a bitter and long-running lawsuit settled in 1993 for a sum reportedly over $10 million. Winner Jr died when his SUV inexplicably veered across the divider into oncoming traffic. Witnesses describe him struggling to turn the steering wheel, which seemed to be fixed in place with a long metal bar of some description. Charles Johnson was nowhere to be seen, thank you very much.
September 20: Mr Nul Point
Who: Fud Leclerc
How:
The Legacy:
If Eurovision is the world cup, American Idol is your nephew's 'special school' little league match. It's been around since 1956 and 51 countries have competed. That's not to say it doesn’t have its dark side. And Leclerc's last Eurovision (of four) was the zenith: his was the first song to receive 'nul points' - zero, zilch, nothing. It was this song, Ton Nom (‘Your Name’) - a classy, mostly harmless little ditty that was savaged by every voter in every single European country. That’s right, countries with a history of hating each other so intensely that an estimated 45% of the continent consists of mass graves and unexploded military ordinance agreed as one that this song was the worst thing any of them had heard, EVER.
Leclerc represented Belgium four times, with mixed results. But after the shame of 1962 his career went the natural way of the failed singer. He became a building contractor.
September 23: The Original Crocodile Hunter
Who: Malcolm Douglas
How: Car accident
The legacy: An Australian crocodile hunter, conservationist and TV documentarian who wasn’t Steve Irwin, which leads us to believe Australian vocational tests have a whole section on this. Can you wrestle a 6-meter prehistoric reptilian killing machine, hit your mark for the cameraman and still remember your catchphrase? If so, bad luck, a dozen Australian guys have already applied for the job.
Douglas was killed in a car accident in his own Wilderness Park. Police were unsure of the cause of the accident, so we have to assume he was attempting to take a corner at 120mph while extracting a sore tooth from a fully grown crocodile without anesthetic. Reports noted he had previously battled prostate cancer, as a result of which prostate cancer has been extinct in Australia since 2004.
Also, having his heyday in the 80s, Douglas’ shorts were way – WAY – shorter than Irwin’s.
October 16-19: America’s Mom and Dad
Who: Barbara Billingsley and Tom Bosley
How: Polymyalgia and heart failure
The legacy: The Beaver’s mom and Richie Cunningham’s dad in 4 days? If you ask us, the mid-term elections should have been postponed at least until March. In a haze of grief, disillusionment and nationwide sense of abandonment, the American people could easily have taken leave of their collective senses and elected a bunch of ignorant nut-jobs. Yeah, we dodged a bullet there.
October 26: That Fucking Octopus
Who: Paul the Octopus. Around the world thousands of people went absolutely crazy-eight retarded for him after he ‘predicted’ correct outcomes to eight matches played in the 2010 world cup. Why they decided to ask marine life for their tips in the first place is best left alone. But let’s just say, those tentacles have been ‘predicting’ things for a while. And by ‘predicting’, we mean ‘filmed for use on Hentai sites’.
How: Octopus-related complications
The Legacy: Who will predict stuff now? Fortunately at Cracked Lab, we’ve developed a manatee that can see through time. Public appearances can be negotiated for a small fee. Email Daniel O’Brian for information.
November 10: Film Producer
WHO: Dino De Laurentiis
HOW: Took a Silver Bullet (1985) from a Shootist (1976) forcing him into the Dead Zone (1983) thus satisfying his Death Wish (1974). Or else it was Hannibal (2001). Or King Kong (1976).
The Legacy: Dubbed ‘Dino de Horrendous’ by critics Harry and Michael Medved in 1980. Produced Evil Dead 2 in 1987. Harry and Michael Medved stripped of critical credibility, driven to remote cabin in the woods and raped to death by demons in 1988. Dino wins.
NOVEMBER 21: Fat Cat
WHO: Prince Chunk, a morbidly obese cat.
HOW: Heart disease brought about by over-consumption of lasagna.
THE LEGACY: Prince Chunk (also known as Princess Chunk, due to the many rolls of fat that obscured his/her genitalia) was found abandoned by Animal Control in 2008. At the time, he/she was alleged to have weighed 44 lb and was trying to find work as a coffee table.
Unfortunately, the Chunk’s legacy will be lost to future generations, as the good folk at Guinness World Records have stopped keeping records of the fattest pets. This is due to concern that that people would force-feed their beloved kitties in an attempt at finding fame. Buzzkill much?
NOVEMBER 30: Yoga Hippie
WHO: Daya Mata
HOW: Relaxed herself to death
THE LEGACY: Daya Mata was born Faye Wright – an old-school Mormon from Utah. Finding that particular old-school wasn’t oldish or schoolish enough for her, she converted to Hinduism back in the 30s (when certain other ‘old-school’ religions weren’t faring so well – see National Socialism). Maya went on to lead the Self-Realization Fellowship for more than 50 years and wrote a bunch of books about how great yoga is, not including “Yoga Bitch”, “Yoga Bitch 2”, “A Pick-a-Nick Basket of Yoga” or “Will You Just Fucking Chill Out For A Second?”
Lisa-Skye Ioannidis is a comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. Find more of her here
Nicholas Rasche is a writer and comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. His work has appeared in numerous print and online journals in Australia, the US and the UK.
Paul Rasche likes smoking.
Read more!
Considering the last six months of 2010 started with getting hit by a car, then included full time work, producing and preforming an eight-show Melbourne Fringe season, a month in Beijing and then some collarbone surgery, I got two co-writers in to help me out with the writing for this one.
I did the research and some of the jokes, they did the rest of the write up. The Rasche brothers are two of the funniest guys I've ever met, and working with them was a joy (Nick I've done three shows with in the past, and Paul has made me laugh til I can't breathe on many an occasion. He's also an astounding artist and has designed my 2011 tattoo).
Here's the original article on Cracked.
And here's the first 14.
After the jump, the last 14 of the deleted scenes!
July 5: Co-Founder of Greenpeace
Who: Jim Bohlen
How: Harpooned by Japanese fisherman/clear-felled to make way for cattle grazing land for MacDonalds/when you got to go, you got to go, man.
The legacy: Originally an engineer who worked on the Atlas ICBM missile program, he saw the error of his ways and moved to Canada, setting a precedent thousands of disillusioned US voters in 1968, 1972, 1980, 1984, 1988, 2000 and 2004 would fail to follow. In addition to being one of the original founders of Greenpeace, Bohlen ran unsuccessfully for election for the Green Party, setting a much more successful precedent that endures to this day.
July 15: Speed Racer
Who: Peter Fernandez, the man who introduced America to Speed Racer
How: Lung Cancer
The Legacy: Peter Fernandez was a voice actor and director with a career stretching over 40 years, but he is best known for his involvement with the anime series ‘Speed Racer’, for which he was the co-writer, voice director and translator for the English language version of the theme song. He was a key figure in the introduction of Japanese anime to English language audiences, earning the gratitude of animation fans/perverts across the world. His spirit is currently either being serviced by round-eyed schoolgirls with impossible huge breasts or subjected to an eternity of tentacle rape. We’re hoping both.
July 24: 31st Richest Person in the World (Not Anymore)
WHO: Theo Albrecht, a man catering to both yuppies and bargain-hunting scavengers alike: he was past owner of both Aldi and Trader Joe's. Theo was kidnapped for 17 days in 1971. He was 49 at the time. A $4.67 million ransom was paid for his release, proving terrorism works.
HOW: Cause unknown.
The Legacy: After the kidnapping, Albrecht became a fiercely private man. The last published photo of him dates to 1971, one day after his kidnapping. In a world where billionaires compete with each other to accumulate the most friends of Facebook, that’s kind of refreshing. And if you grabbed Mark Zuckerberg and held him in a pit in your basement for three weeks, you’d be bound to get more than 4 million.
[Pic: Mark Zuckerberg. Caption: Maybe not]
July 28: Oldest person on both Facebook and Twitter
Who: Ivy Bean
How: Liver failure.
The Legacy:
What does a 104 year old tweet about? 'brb have to go spend an hour in the bathroom expelling my weekly bowel movement - twit pics to follow'? 'Woke up. Good. Hip hurts. Bad.' Actually, she 'discussed her life in a care home, her favorite meal, and episodes of Deal or No Deal she had seen'. So even better. And 56,000 followers on Twitter ate that shit up. Just think of that next time you labor over a pithy bon mot for your 23 followers.
August 30: The Jell-o Wid-o
Who: Lynn Turner
How: Suicide
The Legacy:
A former 911 operator, Turner just wouldn't stop poisoning the people she boned for the sweet, sweet life insurance: both her husband and her boyfriend succumbed to her delicious Jell-O, the secret ingredient in which was antifreeze. Hell hath no fury like a gold digger with access to hoof-based desserts.
August 31: Angry Neighbour
WHO: You think you have earnest neighbors? Vale Franklin Brito, the most passionate yet
HOW: Hunger strike, rising from a dispute over land. The Venezuelan government may not have been completely on the level here, but the fact remains this dude starved himself to death for some farmland. In 2010, not 1210.
The Legacy: You know that guy in the apartment next to you who complains about you ‘thumping around’ making all that noise? Meanwhile you’re in your padded boots on your pillow rug, barely making contact with the floor? Slide Brito’s Wiki entry under his door, cancel his subscription to Pizza Monthly and await the solution.
September 14: Creator of 'The Club' Car Lock
Who: James E Winner Jr
How: Car accident
The legacy: Born in 1929 to a poor farming family, Winner Jr gained immortality as the inventor of ‘The Club’, although mechanic Charles Johnson who worked on the device claimed credit as co-creator in a bitter and long-running lawsuit settled in 1993 for a sum reportedly over $10 million. Winner Jr died when his SUV inexplicably veered across the divider into oncoming traffic. Witnesses describe him struggling to turn the steering wheel, which seemed to be fixed in place with a long metal bar of some description. Charles Johnson was nowhere to be seen, thank you very much.
September 20: Mr Nul Point
Who: Fud Leclerc
How:
The Legacy:
If Eurovision is the world cup, American Idol is your nephew's 'special school' little league match. It's been around since 1956 and 51 countries have competed. That's not to say it doesn’t have its dark side. And Leclerc's last Eurovision (of four) was the zenith: his was the first song to receive 'nul points' - zero, zilch, nothing. It was this song, Ton Nom (‘Your Name’) - a classy, mostly harmless little ditty that was savaged by every voter in every single European country. That’s right, countries with a history of hating each other so intensely that an estimated 45% of the continent consists of mass graves and unexploded military ordinance agreed as one that this song was the worst thing any of them had heard, EVER.
Leclerc represented Belgium four times, with mixed results. But after the shame of 1962 his career went the natural way of the failed singer. He became a building contractor.
September 23: The Original Crocodile Hunter
Who: Malcolm Douglas
How: Car accident
The legacy: An Australian crocodile hunter, conservationist and TV documentarian who wasn’t Steve Irwin, which leads us to believe Australian vocational tests have a whole section on this. Can you wrestle a 6-meter prehistoric reptilian killing machine, hit your mark for the cameraman and still remember your catchphrase? If so, bad luck, a dozen Australian guys have already applied for the job.
Douglas was killed in a car accident in his own Wilderness Park. Police were unsure of the cause of the accident, so we have to assume he was attempting to take a corner at 120mph while extracting a sore tooth from a fully grown crocodile without anesthetic. Reports noted he had previously battled prostate cancer, as a result of which prostate cancer has been extinct in Australia since 2004.
Also, having his heyday in the 80s, Douglas’ shorts were way – WAY – shorter than Irwin’s.
October 16-19: America’s Mom and Dad
Who: Barbara Billingsley and Tom Bosley
How: Polymyalgia and heart failure
The legacy: The Beaver’s mom and Richie Cunningham’s dad in 4 days? If you ask us, the mid-term elections should have been postponed at least until March. In a haze of grief, disillusionment and nationwide sense of abandonment, the American people could easily have taken leave of their collective senses and elected a bunch of ignorant nut-jobs. Yeah, we dodged a bullet there.
October 26: That Fucking Octopus
Who: Paul the Octopus. Around the world thousands of people went absolutely crazy-eight retarded for him after he ‘predicted’ correct outcomes to eight matches played in the 2010 world cup. Why they decided to ask marine life for their tips in the first place is best left alone. But let’s just say, those tentacles have been ‘predicting’ things for a while. And by ‘predicting’, we mean ‘filmed for use on Hentai sites’.
How: Octopus-related complications
The Legacy: Who will predict stuff now? Fortunately at Cracked Lab, we’ve developed a manatee that can see through time. Public appearances can be negotiated for a small fee. Email Daniel O’Brian for information.
November 10: Film Producer
WHO: Dino De Laurentiis
HOW: Took a Silver Bullet (1985) from a Shootist (1976) forcing him into the Dead Zone (1983) thus satisfying his Death Wish (1974). Or else it was Hannibal (2001). Or King Kong (1976).
The Legacy: Dubbed ‘Dino de Horrendous’ by critics Harry and Michael Medved in 1980. Produced Evil Dead 2 in 1987. Harry and Michael Medved stripped of critical credibility, driven to remote cabin in the woods and raped to death by demons in 1988. Dino wins.
NOVEMBER 21: Fat Cat
WHO: Prince Chunk, a morbidly obese cat.
HOW: Heart disease brought about by over-consumption of lasagna.
THE LEGACY: Prince Chunk (also known as Princess Chunk, due to the many rolls of fat that obscured his/her genitalia) was found abandoned by Animal Control in 2008. At the time, he/she was alleged to have weighed 44 lb and was trying to find work as a coffee table.
Unfortunately, the Chunk’s legacy will be lost to future generations, as the good folk at Guinness World Records have stopped keeping records of the fattest pets. This is due to concern that that people would force-feed their beloved kitties in an attempt at finding fame. Buzzkill much?
NOVEMBER 30: Yoga Hippie
WHO: Daya Mata
HOW: Relaxed herself to death
THE LEGACY: Daya Mata was born Faye Wright – an old-school Mormon from Utah. Finding that particular old-school wasn’t oldish or schoolish enough for her, she converted to Hinduism back in the 30s (when certain other ‘old-school’ religions weren’t faring so well – see National Socialism). Maya went on to lead the Self-Realization Fellowship for more than 50 years and wrote a bunch of books about how great yoga is, not including “Yoga Bitch”, “Yoga Bitch 2”, “A Pick-a-Nick Basket of Yoga” or “Will You Just Fucking Chill Out For A Second?”
Lisa-Skye Ioannidis is a comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. Find more of her here
Nicholas Rasche is a writer and comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. His work has appeared in numerous print and online journals in Australia, the US and the UK.
Paul Rasche likes smoking.
Read more!
Where Aren’t They Now? Overlooked Deaths of 2010 - Deleted Scenes Part 1
By Lisa-Skye Ioannidis, Nicholas Rasche and Paul Rasche
When I do the research for these articles, there's always a long list of dozens. This year, as per usual, we wrote up nearly 40 deaths, and let Cracked choose the short list.
Being in Australia, I depend on them to pick for relevance, and lack of coverage (along with ones that are just fucking hilarious, like the Owner of Segway industries driving his Segway off a cliff... I mean, come on).
Here's the original article on Cracked.
After the jump, the first 14 of the deleted scenes!
Apparently celebrities considered dying terribly 2009. After a star-studded year of deaths, 2010 had only a few big names to cover; mostly Bs to last year's As.
JD Salinger.
Tony Curtis.
Gary Coleman.
Corey Haim.
Leslie Nielson.
Winston Churchill. Wait, not that one.
Ginny Sacramoni.
But, as per usual, while these celebs hogged the posthumous limelight there were some also-rans who deserve to be honored in the Cracked tradition.
Also, March 7 was a really bad day to be a supercentarian.
JANUARY 8: Gumby’s Dad
WHO: Satanic warlock Art Clokey, creator of Gumby
HOW: Thrown into the pits of hell by Gandalf and Dumbledore.
THE LEGACY: It’s all in the name, people. Art Clokey? ‘Cloak’ means ‘to hide’, so Art Clokey means ‘hidden picture’ – an obvious clue that Gumby is riddled with subliminal messages in a sickening attempt to poison the minds of children the world over.
Gumby’s sidekick is ‘Pokey ‘-a euphemism for prison which also conjures up images of sexual molestation. Gumby’s girlfriend is ‘Goo’, and she shoots blobs which is too nauseating to even go into.
Art was born evil. He caused his parents to divorce when he was 9. A few years later, his father died in a “car accident”. He went to live with his mother and step-father – they barely escaped with their lives and sent Art to an orphanage, where he was eventually adopted by a Sith Overlord who realized Art’s dark potential. It wasn’t long before Art set to work on his plan to destroy the planet through Claymation.
January 10: the 'Daddy-O of Spaghetti Os'.
WHO: Donald Goerke
HOW: Of natural causes in his home.
The Legacy: Goerke worked for the Campbell Soup Company from 1955 to 1990. That’s 35 goddamn years. In a desperate attempt to move to a position in the company where he wouldn’t still be pissing tomato soup 10 years after retirement, he developed ‘Spaghetti Os’ in 1965. He reportedly considered and rejected pasta in the shapes of baseballs, cowboys, spacemen and stars, in favor of the fun-filled, magical 'O' shape. Because why eat astronauts when you can laugh it up with zany fucking circles.
JANUARY 14: Geriatric Canine
WHO: Otto, the world’s oldest dog
HOW: Euthanasia following a cancer diagnosis
THE LEGACY: You might find it heartwarming that Otto, a dachshund-terrier cross from the UK lived so long. But that dog was an ASSHOLE. Otto died just one month shy of his 21st birthday. GOOD. HE DESERVED IT.
January 16: Snr Taco
WHO: Glen Bell, founder of Taco Bell
HOW: Unknown.
The legacy: Glen Bell left the US Marine Corps in 1946, opening his first hot dog stand in 1948. He began selling tacos in 1952. When he sold Taco Bell to PepsiCo in 1978 for $125,000,000, the chain consisted of 868 restaurants and thousands of staff members too slow to get a job at McDonalds. Officially, no cause of Bell’s death was released. However, as Mexico is home to some of the most murderous criminal gangs in the world and Taco Bell is widely recognised as the nation’s foremost provider of bland, tasteless ‘Mexican’ food, we’re guessing ‘revenge’.
[Pic of Danny Trejo, caption: Don’t tell us this guy wasn’t involved]
Jan 11 and Feb 19: Members of Porn’s Hall of Fame
Who: Jamie Gillis and Juliet Anderson.
How: Melanoma and Crohn’s disease
The Legacy: Gillis and Anderson were legends in the field of pornography, which, from what we’ve read, has something to do with having sex on film. Between them, Gillis and Anderson appeared in over 530 films watched for an average of 5-8 minutes each. Around this time, the porn industry also lost Alice Rigby, Judy Callin, Ruby Sapphire, Judy Carr, Aunt Peg, Judy Fallbrook, Al Cianelli, Ronny Morgan, Jamier Kantor and Buster Hymen, which looks like a hardcore holocaust until you realize these were all stage names of Gillis (born Jamey Ira Gurman) and Anderson (born Judith Carr).
The research for this entry was murder.
JANUARY 20: That Crazy Guy with Those Crazy Theories
WHO: Bob Minton, outspoken critic of Scientolo…um…nothing – just plain old Bob Minton
HOW: Assassinated by Tom Cruis….no, actually, he died peacefully in his sleep
THE LEGACY: Bob Minton was one of Scientology’s most ardent critics and spent millions on various lawsuits against the Church. But one night, those kooky Scientologists decided enough was enough and then… nothing happened and everything was OK.
FEBRUARY 9: Inventor of the Frisbee
WHO: Walter Frederick Morrison
HOW: Cause unknown
THE LEGACY: Tiring of his girlfriend’s endless sass, Morrison grabbed something – anything – and threw it at her face. This is how things were done in the 30s. The object happened to be a lid off of a can of popcorn and thus the Frisbee was born. Have you ever spent a lazy afternoon casually tossing some ‘Bee down in the park? If so, you are glorifying domestic violence – WHY DO YOU HATE WOMEN?
FEBRUARY 25: Boner
WHO: Andrew Koenig
HOW: Suicide
THE LEGACY: “Show me that smile again…” From ‘85 through ‘89, Koenig was beloved by us all – BY US ALL – as Boner, Mike’s goofy best friend in the heartwarming smash-hit sitcom Growing Pains. Despite reports to the contrary, it wasn’t the cries of “HEY BONER!” from passing cars that kick-started Koenig’s downward spiral into depression – rather it was the burden of convincing audiences that someone would willingly befriend Kirk Cameron. (Picture of Kirk Cameron. Caption: Except for Jesus!’)
MARCH 30: Father of the ‘Australian Pillow’
WHO: Thomas Angove, inventor of the wine cask
HOW: Complications arising from developing a cube-shaped liver
THE LEGACY: The unsung hero of cheap boozehounds the world over, Angove invented the wine cask (originally known as the “Box O’ Tears”) back in the 60s. For this, he was honored by the Australian Government. Angove will be well remembered for his catchphrase, “If you think you’re too good to drink wine from a cardboard box… uh…well then….hey, look at that dog over there… BLEAAAAGH….fuck ‘em all.”
APRIL 1: Your Savior
WHO: Ed Roberts, computer engineer
HOW: Pneumonia
THE LEGACY: Ed Roberts invented the personal computer. Therefore, Ed Roberts is pretty much solely responsible for the internet. Imagine your porn stash without the contribution of Ed Roberts. Now YOU tell ME what his legacy is.
APRIL 6: The Voice of Jiminy Cricket
WHO: Eddie Carroll
HOW: Brain tumor
THE LEGACY: While the rest of us had that scene from Under Siege on a permanent “watch – rewind – watch again” cycle, Eddie Carroll - Erika Eleniak’s kindly uncle and the voice of beloved insect Jiminy Cricket – could barely stand to see it.
Or could he?
MAY 31: Trivial Pursuer
Q: Along with Scott Abbott, who co-created popular board game Trivial Pursuit?
A: Mustachioed weirdo, Chris Haney. They were playing scrabble, deemed it boring, and over a round of beers came up with the game to get a million trivia nerds barring up.
Q: How did Trivial Pursuit co-creator Chris Haney die?
A: Sorry, we couldn’t be bothered looking that up. Wikipedia just says “a long illness”.
THE LEGACY: In the world before Trivial Pursuit, you would have freaked out if you found a matching set of 6 tiny plastic triangles in your dog’s poop.
Whereas nowadays, you’re more likely to think “How was Fido was able to answer the Arts and Literature question? Who the fuck is Saul Bellow anyway? Oh well, back to combing through this dog shit.”
Thanks Chris!
June 1: World’s Ugliest Dog
WHO: Miss Ellie
HOW: Shame
The legacy: Miss Ellie, a Chinese crested hairless dog was the winner of the 2009 World’s Ugliest Dog competition (pedigree division). Despite being hideously ugly Miss Ellie achieved considerable media exposure and impressively, was able to do so without being a child of the late Aaron Spelling. (You can insert a Tori Spelling pic in here if the lawyers will let us…)
June 5: The Porn Star
Who: Stephen Clancy Hill, AKA Steve Driver
How: Jumping off a cliff while brandishing a sword at the approaching SWAT team. No, really.
The Legacy:
Saying he was the craziest, scariest porn star is like dubbing something 'the tastiest fried food found at a carnival', but still. This guy:
-- Allegedly attacked three people with a sword, murdering one: Herbert Wong, fellow porn star and star of films 'Hookers and Blow 3' and 'Cum Coat My Throat 5' (any relation to Cracked's David Wong is unclear).
-- Was also previously charged with assault with a handgun in 1998 while a student at the University of Maryland. The victim? A TA who stubbornly refused to give him an 'A' on a test he hadn't taken.
The day of his death, he’d been told he was fired. Faced with a future of not banging coked-out hos on film, Hill, as we all would, thought ‘fuck this’. He grabbed the first prop he found and went bananas. If only it had been a Pink Limpy™ dildo and not a samurai sword.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of 2!
Lisa-Skye Ioannidis is a comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. Find more of her here
Nicholas Rasche is a writer and comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. His work has appeared in numerous print and online journals in Australia, the US and the UK.
Paul Rasche likes smoking.
Read more!
When I do the research for these articles, there's always a long list of dozens. This year, as per usual, we wrote up nearly 40 deaths, and let Cracked choose the short list.
Being in Australia, I depend on them to pick for relevance, and lack of coverage (along with ones that are just fucking hilarious, like the Owner of Segway industries driving his Segway off a cliff... I mean, come on).
Here's the original article on Cracked.
After the jump, the first 14 of the deleted scenes!
Apparently celebrities considered dying terribly 2009. After a star-studded year of deaths, 2010 had only a few big names to cover; mostly Bs to last year's As.
JD Salinger.
Tony Curtis.
Gary Coleman.
Corey Haim.
Leslie Nielson.
Winston Churchill. Wait, not that one.
Ginny Sacramoni.
But, as per usual, while these celebs hogged the posthumous limelight there were some also-rans who deserve to be honored in the Cracked tradition.
Also, March 7 was a really bad day to be a supercentarian.
JANUARY 8: Gumby’s Dad
WHO: Satanic warlock Art Clokey, creator of Gumby
HOW: Thrown into the pits of hell by Gandalf and Dumbledore.
THE LEGACY: It’s all in the name, people. Art Clokey? ‘Cloak’ means ‘to hide’, so Art Clokey means ‘hidden picture’ – an obvious clue that Gumby is riddled with subliminal messages in a sickening attempt to poison the minds of children the world over.
Gumby’s sidekick is ‘Pokey ‘-a euphemism for prison which also conjures up images of sexual molestation. Gumby’s girlfriend is ‘Goo’, and she shoots blobs which is too nauseating to even go into.
Art was born evil. He caused his parents to divorce when he was 9. A few years later, his father died in a “car accident”. He went to live with his mother and step-father – they barely escaped with their lives and sent Art to an orphanage, where he was eventually adopted by a Sith Overlord who realized Art’s dark potential. It wasn’t long before Art set to work on his plan to destroy the planet through Claymation.
January 10: the 'Daddy-O of Spaghetti Os'.
WHO: Donald Goerke
HOW: Of natural causes in his home.
The Legacy: Goerke worked for the Campbell Soup Company from 1955 to 1990. That’s 35 goddamn years. In a desperate attempt to move to a position in the company where he wouldn’t still be pissing tomato soup 10 years after retirement, he developed ‘Spaghetti Os’ in 1965. He reportedly considered and rejected pasta in the shapes of baseballs, cowboys, spacemen and stars, in favor of the fun-filled, magical 'O' shape. Because why eat astronauts when you can laugh it up with zany fucking circles.
JANUARY 14: Geriatric Canine
WHO: Otto, the world’s oldest dog
HOW: Euthanasia following a cancer diagnosis
THE LEGACY: You might find it heartwarming that Otto, a dachshund-terrier cross from the UK lived so long. But that dog was an ASSHOLE. Otto died just one month shy of his 21st birthday. GOOD. HE DESERVED IT.
January 16: Snr Taco
WHO: Glen Bell, founder of Taco Bell
HOW: Unknown.
The legacy: Glen Bell left the US Marine Corps in 1946, opening his first hot dog stand in 1948. He began selling tacos in 1952. When he sold Taco Bell to PepsiCo in 1978 for $125,000,000, the chain consisted of 868 restaurants and thousands of staff members too slow to get a job at McDonalds. Officially, no cause of Bell’s death was released. However, as Mexico is home to some of the most murderous criminal gangs in the world and Taco Bell is widely recognised as the nation’s foremost provider of bland, tasteless ‘Mexican’ food, we’re guessing ‘revenge’.
[Pic of Danny Trejo, caption: Don’t tell us this guy wasn’t involved]
Jan 11 and Feb 19: Members of Porn’s Hall of Fame
Who: Jamie Gillis and Juliet Anderson.
How: Melanoma and Crohn’s disease
The Legacy: Gillis and Anderson were legends in the field of pornography, which, from what we’ve read, has something to do with having sex on film. Between them, Gillis and Anderson appeared in over 530 films watched for an average of 5-8 minutes each. Around this time, the porn industry also lost Alice Rigby, Judy Callin, Ruby Sapphire, Judy Carr, Aunt Peg, Judy Fallbrook, Al Cianelli, Ronny Morgan, Jamier Kantor and Buster Hymen, which looks like a hardcore holocaust until you realize these were all stage names of Gillis (born Jamey Ira Gurman) and Anderson (born Judith Carr).
The research for this entry was murder.
JANUARY 20: That Crazy Guy with Those Crazy Theories
WHO: Bob Minton, outspoken critic of Scientolo…um…nothing – just plain old Bob Minton
HOW: Assassinated by Tom Cruis….no, actually, he died peacefully in his sleep
THE LEGACY: Bob Minton was one of Scientology’s most ardent critics and spent millions on various lawsuits against the Church. But one night, those kooky Scientologists decided enough was enough and then… nothing happened and everything was OK.
FEBRUARY 9: Inventor of the Frisbee
WHO: Walter Frederick Morrison
HOW: Cause unknown
THE LEGACY: Tiring of his girlfriend’s endless sass, Morrison grabbed something – anything – and threw it at her face. This is how things were done in the 30s. The object happened to be a lid off of a can of popcorn and thus the Frisbee was born. Have you ever spent a lazy afternoon casually tossing some ‘Bee down in the park? If so, you are glorifying domestic violence – WHY DO YOU HATE WOMEN?
FEBRUARY 25: Boner
WHO: Andrew Koenig
HOW: Suicide
THE LEGACY: “Show me that smile again…” From ‘85 through ‘89, Koenig was beloved by us all – BY US ALL – as Boner, Mike’s goofy best friend in the heartwarming smash-hit sitcom Growing Pains. Despite reports to the contrary, it wasn’t the cries of “HEY BONER!” from passing cars that kick-started Koenig’s downward spiral into depression – rather it was the burden of convincing audiences that someone would willingly befriend Kirk Cameron. (Picture of Kirk Cameron. Caption: Except for Jesus!’)
MARCH 30: Father of the ‘Australian Pillow’
WHO: Thomas Angove, inventor of the wine cask
HOW: Complications arising from developing a cube-shaped liver
THE LEGACY: The unsung hero of cheap boozehounds the world over, Angove invented the wine cask (originally known as the “Box O’ Tears”) back in the 60s. For this, he was honored by the Australian Government. Angove will be well remembered for his catchphrase, “If you think you’re too good to drink wine from a cardboard box… uh…well then….hey, look at that dog over there… BLEAAAAGH….fuck ‘em all.”
APRIL 1: Your Savior
WHO: Ed Roberts, computer engineer
HOW: Pneumonia
THE LEGACY: Ed Roberts invented the personal computer. Therefore, Ed Roberts is pretty much solely responsible for the internet. Imagine your porn stash without the contribution of Ed Roberts. Now YOU tell ME what his legacy is.
APRIL 6: The Voice of Jiminy Cricket
WHO: Eddie Carroll
HOW: Brain tumor
THE LEGACY: While the rest of us had that scene from Under Siege on a permanent “watch – rewind – watch again” cycle, Eddie Carroll - Erika Eleniak’s kindly uncle and the voice of beloved insect Jiminy Cricket – could barely stand to see it.
Or could he?
MAY 31: Trivial Pursuer
Q: Along with Scott Abbott, who co-created popular board game Trivial Pursuit?
A: Mustachioed weirdo, Chris Haney. They were playing scrabble, deemed it boring, and over a round of beers came up with the game to get a million trivia nerds barring up.
Q: How did Trivial Pursuit co-creator Chris Haney die?
A: Sorry, we couldn’t be bothered looking that up. Wikipedia just says “a long illness”.
THE LEGACY: In the world before Trivial Pursuit, you would have freaked out if you found a matching set of 6 tiny plastic triangles in your dog’s poop.
Whereas nowadays, you’re more likely to think “How was Fido was able to answer the Arts and Literature question? Who the fuck is Saul Bellow anyway? Oh well, back to combing through this dog shit.”
Thanks Chris!
June 1: World’s Ugliest Dog
WHO: Miss Ellie
HOW: Shame
The legacy: Miss Ellie, a Chinese crested hairless dog was the winner of the 2009 World’s Ugliest Dog competition (pedigree division). Despite being hideously ugly Miss Ellie achieved considerable media exposure and impressively, was able to do so without being a child of the late Aaron Spelling. (You can insert a Tori Spelling pic in here if the lawyers will let us…)
June 5: The Porn Star
Who: Stephen Clancy Hill, AKA Steve Driver
How: Jumping off a cliff while brandishing a sword at the approaching SWAT team. No, really.
The Legacy:
Saying he was the craziest, scariest porn star is like dubbing something 'the tastiest fried food found at a carnival', but still. This guy:
-- Allegedly attacked three people with a sword, murdering one: Herbert Wong, fellow porn star and star of films 'Hookers and Blow 3' and 'Cum Coat My Throat 5' (any relation to Cracked's David Wong is unclear).
-- Was also previously charged with assault with a handgun in 1998 while a student at the University of Maryland. The victim? A TA who stubbornly refused to give him an 'A' on a test he hadn't taken.
The day of his death, he’d been told he was fired. Faced with a future of not banging coked-out hos on film, Hill, as we all would, thought ‘fuck this’. He grabbed the first prop he found and went bananas. If only it had been a Pink Limpy™ dildo and not a samurai sword.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of 2!
Lisa-Skye Ioannidis is a comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. Find more of her here
Nicholas Rasche is a writer and comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. His work has appeared in numerous print and online journals in Australia, the US and the UK.
Paul Rasche likes smoking.
Read more!
Hello, Cracked Readers!
Thanks for reading the article and clicking through. We actually had almost 40 deaths covered, and let Cracked select the best. We have SO many deleted scenes from the article. Check back in an hour or so to see them! Spoiler alert: one of my faves didn't make the cut!
Read more!
Sunday, 3 October 2010
Thank You!
Super-huge-fun-massive thanks to everyone who's come to the show thus far and laughed. They've been brilliant fun, and uber well-received, so thank you!
Welcome to anyone who came across this blog from my show credits. The 'Deleted Scenes' posts will be published straight after the show run, so subscribe to my RSS feed in your Google Reader or follow me on the FB if you want to be the first to know when they're up! (Warning: some are TERRIFYING).
Five more shows left!
Also, if you came to my show, I hope you enjoyed your wee surprise at the end. Read more!
Welcome to anyone who came across this blog from my show credits. The 'Deleted Scenes' posts will be published straight after the show run, so subscribe to my RSS feed in your Google Reader or follow me on the FB if you want to be the first to know when they're up! (Warning: some are TERRIFYING).
Five more shows left!
Also, if you came to my show, I hope you enjoyed your wee surprise at the end. Read more!
Sunday, 29 August 2010
Announcing Lisa's Fringe Show!
... And stay tuned for deleted scenes!
This is my first solo show. Fifty-five hot minutes of unbridled Lisa Action. All Lisa, all new. And funny as fuck. You should totes attend.
Read more!
This is my first solo show. Fifty-five hot minutes of unbridled Lisa Action. All Lisa, all new. And funny as fuck. You should totes attend.
Read more!
Thursday, 31 December 2009
Overlooked Deaths of 2009: Deleted Scenes Part Two
Continued from part one, below, and the Cracked article, here.
Today: Sean Connery (sort of), Morgan Freeman (sort of) and Darth Vader (sort of), gorilla soap opera stars, dogs old and tall.
August 7: The Tallest Dog in the World.
Who:
Gibson, a Great Dane. On his hind legs, he stood seven fucking feet, one inch tall and weighed 180 pounds.
How:
Cancer.
The Legacy:
Breeders try to beat the record until dogs are the size of horses, and they enslave humanity, a la Planet of the Apes. Your next boss is a poodle with Short Man Syndrome.
August 12: The Nazi Wrestler
Who: Karl Von Hess. A professional wrestling ‘heel’ (bad guy) Von Hess’s villain gimmick was that of a Nazi sympathizer. You know, for yucks.
Audiences were so convinced of the gimmick that fans tried to stab, burn, and shoot at him. People get so weird about Nazis.
Pictured: Laffs a’Plenty
This hilarious shtick grew old, and by the early 1960s he gradually stopped wrestling with the WWWF.
How:
Alzheimer’s disease.
The Legacy:
The WWE’s in a slump. Perhaps more racially-charged villains are needed. Throw in a fake Klansman or two, a neo-Nazi skinhead and, we don’t know, a wrester based on Bin Laden. It’s a sound artistic decision for the modern age.
August 18: The Kinky Munitions Analyst
Who:
Jack McGeorge: Marine; Secret Service Specialist; Naughty, Naughty Boy.
Some men have secret lives. They climb the ladder in their chosen industry, spend years getting to the highest rank of their field, only to have it all come crashing down when it’s discovered they like hookers, or other men, or, we don’t know, fucking slinkys.
But not Jack McGeorge. He just figured, fuck it, I’m awesome at talking about the weaponization of biological and chemical agents, and I like leather. What are ya gonna do about it, tie me up? I dare ya. No, really, go on, I dare ya. Mmmmm…
McGeorge never lived in the closet. His full name appeared on many leather fancier websites, and talked about his interest in BDSM in the media. In 2002, the Washington Post publicized his part in the BDSM community, and McGeorge offered his resignation to Hans Blix, who refused to accept it. Possibly because at the time, McGeorge may have been wielding a foot-long spiked paddle and a bullwhip.
How:
Complications from open heart surgery. Bet you thought it was gonna be something dirty, didn’t you?
The Legacy:
More politicians coming out about their kink. Cross-dressing congressmen, spanking senators and Twinkie-fucking mayors.
August 28: The World’s Oldest Dog
Who: At the ripe old age of 21, Chanel, American female Daschund, was recognized by the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s oldest dog.
In her later years, Chanel wore tinted goggles for her cataracts, sweaters for the cold, and was transported in a stroller, because, at 147 years old, fuck walking.
How:
From being 21.
The Legacy:
Desperate owners resorting to scarves, walking sticks and prosthetic limbs to beat the record with their living cadaver pets.
September 2: Sean Connery, Morgan Freeman and Darth Vader
Who: Tibor Kristóf, Hungarian voice actor.
Kristóf did the Hungarian voices for many popular English-speaking films. He was seen fit to provide the voices for Sean Connery, Morgan Freeman and Darth motherfucking Vader among others, including Tony Curtis, Gregory Peck, Richard Burton, Paul Newman, Gene Hackman, Denzel Washington, Laurence Olivier, Chalton Heston and Charles Bronson. We’re pretty sure that this guy’s voice was so manly, when he spoke all ladies in earshot fell pregnant.
How:
Unknown. Perhaps he went for a swim and the weight of his massive balls pulled him under.
The Legacy:
A nation weeps as the man with surely the sexiest voice in Hungary is bid goodbye.
September 14: The Gorilla King
Who:
Titus, a one-Gorilla soap opera. He was observed in his natural habitat from 1974.
After Titus’ father was killed by poachers, another silverback, Beetsme, tried to take control of his group. Beetsme killed an infant female, the rest of the females left in protest and Titus, by now suffering severe daddy abandonment issues, lived with Beetsme in a ‘bachelor group’ for eight years, just Titus, Beetsme and a bunch of dudes.
They were lovers for a while, until five females joined the group and Beetsme decided he was into gorilla vagina again, and drove off the rest of the males, possibly because they still had Polaroids of Beetsme in pink gogo boots.
Beetsme had a slew of hot gorilla ladies, some of whom Titus began to hump in secret. He became the youngest gorilla babydaddy in recorded history, kept up with the secret mating, and in 1991 became top dog. However, Beetsme still subscribed to a ‘bros before hos’ philosophy, so continued to be Titus’ number two man until his death in 2001.
Titus sure liked the man-gorilla-on-lady-gorilla sex. He had so much of it, that by 2004 he controlled the largest gorilla group in the world. However, by 30, his oldest son, Kuryama, was getting all up in his gorilla grills, which led to Titus biting a female after she was caught mating with Kuryama in secret. Who knew gorillas liked to secret-mate so much?
There were some turf wars, the group split into Team Titus and Team Kuryama, then after a year they all reunited, Titus having retired his leadership peacefully. Reports show that Kuryama wasn’t a dick about it.
How:
At 35, after a short illness.
The Legacy:
Fortunately, ‘he who mates most is the leader’ doesn’t happen in the human world, lest our world leaders start to resemble Wilt Chamberlain and Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel. Although look out for new Primate-based soaps, The Bold and the Baboon-tiful, Apes of Our Lives and One Lemur to Live. (note: I'm pretty sure it was this exact, awful pun, not the length, that got it dropped from the Cracked version)
October 5: The Inventor of the Mouse
Who:
René Sommer, co-inventor of the computer mouse.
How:
Unknown.
The Legacy:
This guy invents a gadget that everyone uses every single day, and he gets 89 words in Wikipedia. Meanwhile, Ewoks, a fucking fictional race of teddy bears, get nearly 600. Fuck you, popular culture.
October 19: The Guy Who Just Fucking Lost it One Day
Who:
Howard Unruh, American spree killer.
A shy, reclusive guy, Unruh was said to be a ‘Mama’s Boy’ and was the target of teasing from local youths. He never got along with his neighbors. He eventually started a diary, detailing all imagined slights and everything he thought they said about him. After a few names, was ‘retal.’, short for ‘retaliate’. On September 6, 1949, Unruh killed 13 people.
He arrived home from a movie at 3am to find the front gate he had recently built was stolen. He slept til 8am, dressed in his best suit, fought with his mother over breakfast, and went out to do a bit of random killing.
How:
At 88, after a long illness. His last public words were ‘I'd have killed a thousand if I had bullets enough’, showing that decades in a facility for the criminally insane doesn’t take the douchebag out of someone.
The Legacy:
No one steals gates anymore.
A Bad Year for Horses
Who: Every race horse ever.
Cryptoclearance, Gigolo FRH, Summer Squall, Fine Cotton, Alysheba, Beach Towel, Lil E. Tee, Sunline, and Exotic Dancer.
How:
Horse-related complications.
The Legacy: When doing the research for this article, I was shocked at what a bad year this was for racehorses. I learned two things: 1. Racehorses have stupid names, and 2. Don’t be a racehorse.
Read more!
Today: Sean Connery (sort of), Morgan Freeman (sort of) and Darth Vader (sort of), gorilla soap opera stars, dogs old and tall.
August 7: The Tallest Dog in the World.
Who:
Gibson, a Great Dane. On his hind legs, he stood seven fucking feet, one inch tall and weighed 180 pounds.
How:
Cancer.
The Legacy:
Breeders try to beat the record until dogs are the size of horses, and they enslave humanity, a la Planet of the Apes. Your next boss is a poodle with Short Man Syndrome.
August 12: The Nazi Wrestler
Who: Karl Von Hess. A professional wrestling ‘heel’ (bad guy) Von Hess’s villain gimmick was that of a Nazi sympathizer. You know, for yucks.
Audiences were so convinced of the gimmick that fans tried to stab, burn, and shoot at him. People get so weird about Nazis.
Pictured: Laffs a’Plenty
This hilarious shtick grew old, and by the early 1960s he gradually stopped wrestling with the WWWF.
How:
Alzheimer’s disease.
The Legacy:
The WWE’s in a slump. Perhaps more racially-charged villains are needed. Throw in a fake Klansman or two, a neo-Nazi skinhead and, we don’t know, a wrester based on Bin Laden. It’s a sound artistic decision for the modern age.
August 18: The Kinky Munitions Analyst
Who:
Jack McGeorge: Marine; Secret Service Specialist; Naughty, Naughty Boy.
Some men have secret lives. They climb the ladder in their chosen industry, spend years getting to the highest rank of their field, only to have it all come crashing down when it’s discovered they like hookers, or other men, or, we don’t know, fucking slinkys.
But not Jack McGeorge. He just figured, fuck it, I’m awesome at talking about the weaponization of biological and chemical agents, and I like leather. What are ya gonna do about it, tie me up? I dare ya. No, really, go on, I dare ya. Mmmmm…
McGeorge never lived in the closet. His full name appeared on many leather fancier websites, and talked about his interest in BDSM in the media. In 2002, the Washington Post publicized his part in the BDSM community, and McGeorge offered his resignation to Hans Blix, who refused to accept it. Possibly because at the time, McGeorge may have been wielding a foot-long spiked paddle and a bullwhip.
How:
Complications from open heart surgery. Bet you thought it was gonna be something dirty, didn’t you?
The Legacy:
More politicians coming out about their kink. Cross-dressing congressmen, spanking senators and Twinkie-fucking mayors.
August 28: The World’s Oldest Dog
Who: At the ripe old age of 21, Chanel, American female Daschund, was recognized by the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s oldest dog.
In her later years, Chanel wore tinted goggles for her cataracts, sweaters for the cold, and was transported in a stroller, because, at 147 years old, fuck walking.
How:
From being 21.
The Legacy:
Desperate owners resorting to scarves, walking sticks and prosthetic limbs to beat the record with their living cadaver pets.
September 2: Sean Connery, Morgan Freeman and Darth Vader
Who: Tibor Kristóf, Hungarian voice actor.
Kristóf did the Hungarian voices for many popular English-speaking films. He was seen fit to provide the voices for Sean Connery, Morgan Freeman and Darth motherfucking Vader among others, including Tony Curtis, Gregory Peck, Richard Burton, Paul Newman, Gene Hackman, Denzel Washington, Laurence Olivier, Chalton Heston and Charles Bronson. We’re pretty sure that this guy’s voice was so manly, when he spoke all ladies in earshot fell pregnant.
How:
Unknown. Perhaps he went for a swim and the weight of his massive balls pulled him under.
The Legacy:
A nation weeps as the man with surely the sexiest voice in Hungary is bid goodbye.
September 14: The Gorilla King
Who:
Titus, a one-Gorilla soap opera. He was observed in his natural habitat from 1974.
After Titus’ father was killed by poachers, another silverback, Beetsme, tried to take control of his group. Beetsme killed an infant female, the rest of the females left in protest and Titus, by now suffering severe daddy abandonment issues, lived with Beetsme in a ‘bachelor group’ for eight years, just Titus, Beetsme and a bunch of dudes.
They were lovers for a while, until five females joined the group and Beetsme decided he was into gorilla vagina again, and drove off the rest of the males, possibly because they still had Polaroids of Beetsme in pink gogo boots.
Beetsme had a slew of hot gorilla ladies, some of whom Titus began to hump in secret. He became the youngest gorilla babydaddy in recorded history, kept up with the secret mating, and in 1991 became top dog. However, Beetsme still subscribed to a ‘bros before hos’ philosophy, so continued to be Titus’ number two man until his death in 2001.
Titus sure liked the man-gorilla-on-lady-gorilla sex. He had so much of it, that by 2004 he controlled the largest gorilla group in the world. However, by 30, his oldest son, Kuryama, was getting all up in his gorilla grills, which led to Titus biting a female after she was caught mating with Kuryama in secret. Who knew gorillas liked to secret-mate so much?
There were some turf wars, the group split into Team Titus and Team Kuryama, then after a year they all reunited, Titus having retired his leadership peacefully. Reports show that Kuryama wasn’t a dick about it.
How:
At 35, after a short illness.
The Legacy:
Fortunately, ‘he who mates most is the leader’ doesn’t happen in the human world, lest our world leaders start to resemble Wilt Chamberlain and Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel. Although look out for new Primate-based soaps, The Bold and the Baboon-tiful, Apes of Our Lives and One Lemur to Live. (note: I'm pretty sure it was this exact, awful pun, not the length, that got it dropped from the Cracked version)
October 5: The Inventor of the Mouse
Who:
René Sommer, co-inventor of the computer mouse.
How:
Unknown.
The Legacy:
This guy invents a gadget that everyone uses every single day, and he gets 89 words in Wikipedia. Meanwhile, Ewoks, a fucking fictional race of teddy bears, get nearly 600. Fuck you, popular culture.
October 19: The Guy Who Just Fucking Lost it One Day
Who:
Howard Unruh, American spree killer.
A shy, reclusive guy, Unruh was said to be a ‘Mama’s Boy’ and was the target of teasing from local youths. He never got along with his neighbors. He eventually started a diary, detailing all imagined slights and everything he thought they said about him. After a few names, was ‘retal.’, short for ‘retaliate’. On September 6, 1949, Unruh killed 13 people.
He arrived home from a movie at 3am to find the front gate he had recently built was stolen. He slept til 8am, dressed in his best suit, fought with his mother over breakfast, and went out to do a bit of random killing.
How:
At 88, after a long illness. His last public words were ‘I'd have killed a thousand if I had bullets enough’, showing that decades in a facility for the criminally insane doesn’t take the douchebag out of someone.
The Legacy:
No one steals gates anymore.
A Bad Year for Horses
Who: Every race horse ever.
Cryptoclearance, Gigolo FRH, Summer Squall, Fine Cotton, Alysheba, Beach Towel, Lil E. Tee, Sunline, and Exotic Dancer.
How:
Horse-related complications.
The Legacy: When doing the research for this article, I was shocked at what a bad year this was for racehorses. I learned two things: 1. Racehorses have stupid names, and 2. Don’t be a racehorse.
Read more!
Overlooked Deaths of 2009: Deleted Scenes Part One
So my article was printed in Cracked today. There are a few changes, but you should go check it out.
When doing the research I found waaaaay more deaths that we could possibly include, so today and tomorrow I'll be publishing the 'deleted scenes': the ones that didn't quite make it.
Today: Eagle women, unfortunate coincidences, bastard chimpanzees. Shemales, hipsters, carp.
January 4: The Former President’s Former Cat
Who:
India, George W. Bush’s black cat.
The cat lived with the bushes for nearly two decades, first in the Texas Governor’s Mansion in Austin, and then at the White House.
Being a black cat named India came with some controversy: in 2004 protestors in the Indian state of Kerala burned an effigy of Bush in unfortunate-cat-name-induced rage. Though the cat was actually named for Ruben ‘El Indio’ Sierra, a Texas Rangers baseball player from when Bush owned the team.
How:
Cause of death unknown. And we’re certainly not saying that it was anything to do with Bush’s rage about having to move out of the White House sixteen days from India’s January 4th death. Nor are we inferring that it was a kitty suicide when India realized she’d have to move back to Texas.
The Legacy:
Black cats remain unlucky. The Obama’s puppy, Bo, sleeps with one eye open.
January 13: The woman with the army of eagles
Who:
Joan Keene, aka The Eagle Lady.
Keene was a former rodeo trick rider who lived in Homer, Alaska.
Shortly after she moved to Alaska, she saw two bald-headed eagles and tossed some leftover fish to them. A decade later, she was feeding over two hundred of the big guys, stockpiling fish scraps donated from local companies. And if she ever caught wind of a dead moose on the highway, that fucker’d be sliced up and on the specials board at Chez Eagle Diner by lunchtime.
Every day, she would drive a forklift from her job at a fish processing facility, deliver it to her motor home and then cut up the freezer-burned fish into fist-sized chunks for the eagles. If it was still frozen, she’d take an axe, chainsaw or motherfucking blowtorch to it. All up, it was three hours in the day, and about 50,000 pounds of fish a year, for some snooty, ungrateful guys in tuxedos.
Stock Photo.
In 1986 she told the Anchorage Daily News ‘I don't know if anyone else would do this. My motorhome smells like fish. My yard is fish. My truck is fish. I am fish. It gets kind of gross sometimes, especially when you're handling a lot of slimy carcasses’. And fellas, she was single.
How:
Respiratory condition. Whether it was caused by Bird Fancier’s Lung (no, really, it’s a thing) is unconfirmed.
The Legacy:
Since Alaska hates nature and everything about it, straight after Keene died the city of Homer passed a law prohibiting feeding predatory birds.
January 18: The Robot from Lost in Space
Who:
Bob May, the man inside the ‘bot (the voice of the robot died in 2004). He appeared inside the robot for all 83 episodes, but sadly, not in the 1998 movie, as he no longer fit inside the suit. But in the good ol’ days, he loved the suit so much that he called it a ‘home away from home’ and wore it all day while filming. During lunch, through smoke breaks, and possibly through giving groupies a seeing-to in his trailer [citation needed].
How:
Congestive heart failure.
The Legacy:
We’re cheated of his possibly-robosexual memoires, Deep Inside the Robot.
February 12: 9/11 Steering Committee Member Dies in Plane Crash
Who:
Beverley Eckert, advocate for those affected by 9/11.
How:
Commuter aircraft accident
The Legacy:
There’s no joke here, we just thought it was a very, very unfortunate coincidence. Like how Sylvia Plath’s 47-year-old biologist son committed suicide on March 16 this year. Death has a morbid sense of humor sometimes.
February 16: The Biggest Jerk to Ever be Called ‘Chimpanzee’
Who:
Travis, a male Chimpanzee actor with an axe to grind. Possibly because his owners named him ‘Travis’.
Travis appeared in many commercials and TV shows, including a TV pilot starring Sheryl Crowe and Michael Moore (which we assume was called The WTF Hour).
You think monkeys are cool? They’re cunts. ‘Oh, look, Travis is feeding the horses/brushing his teeth/playing baseball’ you hear. You don’t hear, ‘Oh, look! Travis bit and then tried to drag a woman into the car with him in 1996, oh, look, it’s 2003 and Travis is running after a man in a car, blood on his monkey mind.’
How:
Shot, after attacking Charla Nash, a friend of his keeper, who lost her eyes, nose, face and fucking hands.
The Legacy:
A new law prohibiting people from owning exotic pets of Travis’ size.
February 20: Another Type of Presidential Pussy for Clinton
Who: Socks the Cat, pet of the Clinton family during Bill’s time in office.
This year was a bad one for ex-president’s cats. Socks was the principal White House pet until they acquired Buddy, a Labrador. Socks ‘despised Buddy’ and when Clinton vacated the White House, they took Buddy with them, and Socks stayed with Clinton’s secretary.
How:
Cancer, at age 20.
The Legacy:
A 1998 book by Hilary Clinton, called Dear Socks, Dear Buddy: Kids’ Letters to the First Pets, in which we see over 50 letters children have written to the President’s fucking pets. Kids are retarded.
March 29: Lorne
Who:
Andy Hallett, the crooner who captured the hearts of nerds and fanboys worldwide with his portrayal of Lorne in the TV series Angel.
Originally the PA for Joss Whedon’s wife, the couple were so blown away by his voice that Joss wrote a character for him on his new show, Angel.
How:
Congestive heart failure.
The Legacy:
Scores of nerds flock to LA karaoke bars to drink to Lorne’s memory. In return, karaoke bars forced to purchase instrumental versions of Once More with Feeling for their new regulars. Old regulars forced to listen to off-key versions of I’ll Never Tell on a loop.
June 23: I Am My Own Patient
Who:
Jerri Nielsen, an American physician stationed at the South Pole.
Nielsen developed breast cancer at a time when her station was physically cut off from the rest of the world. So she did what anyone would have done: operated on herself to extract tissue samples for analysis.
When it was confirmed as breast cancer, she underwent self-administered chemotherapy. She went into remission and was brought back to the United States.
How:
Several years later, the cancer came back, and she eventually died form complications from a brain tumor.
The Legacy:
With the cost of healthcare growing, her autobiography Ice Bound: A Doctor’s Incredible Story may make a handy how-to guide for home procedures.
June 30: The Spy Who Shagged Me
Who:
Shi Pei Pu, spy and shemale.
A Chinese opera singer, Shi had a 20-year long affair with a French Embassy worker, Bernard Boursicot. Shi convinced Boursicot he was a woman, even going as far as buying a ‘son’ from a poor villager.
When Boursicot first met Shi, he was dressed as a man. Shi told him he was actually a woman, forced to live as a man to satisfy his father’s wish for a son. Their sexual relationship was maintained ‘quickly and in darkness’, and Boursicot was convinced Shi was a woman. Boursicot arranged for Shi and their ‘son’, Shi Du Du, to be brought to Paris, where Shi was busted for being a spy. And having a penis.
When the story broke, Boursicot slit his throat, but survived.
How:
After a long illness.
The Legacy:
More men insisting on having sex with the lights on. All the way on.
July 13: King of the Hipsters
Who:
Dash Snow, Artist and Trustafarian.
Snow was heir to a limitless fortune, and as such was able to flee his parents in his early teens to live on the streets. Some of Snow’s more infamous pieces feature newspapers splashed with his own semen, and Polaroids of his hipster friends getting fucked up.
Also, he named his daughter Secret Magic Nico.
How:
Drug overdose.
The Legacy:
The art world can’t decide whether he was the Kurt Cobain or Paris Hilton of contemporary American art. Either way, fellow hipsters are going to have to try even harder to be shocking in their never ending exploitation of sex, drugs and violence. Sorry, Vice Magazine.
July: Britain’s Favorite Fish
Who:
Benson, ‘Britain’s biggest and best-loved carp’. Known as ‘The People’s Fish’, she was voted Britain’s Favorite Carp in 2005, in a tough and incredibly boring poll. Britain loved her so much, that she was caught 63 times over 13 years. Because to the British, ‘love’ means hooking you by the lip and forcing you up by the spike, to half drown in air, before hurling you back to your home. They’re romantic like that. Also, she was named for a suspicious hole in her fin that looked like a cigarette burn, but was probably just more British ‘love marks’.
How:
Undetermined. At the time of her death, she weighed 64 pounds. Some allege she was accidentally poisoned (or ‘over-loved’) by anglers using uncooked nuts. Others say complications with pregnancy, as she was carrying 300,000 eggs at the time, the filthy whore.
The Legacy:
Britain must find a new fish to inflict their love on.
More tomorrow! Read more!
When doing the research I found waaaaay more deaths that we could possibly include, so today and tomorrow I'll be publishing the 'deleted scenes': the ones that didn't quite make it.
Today: Eagle women, unfortunate coincidences, bastard chimpanzees. Shemales, hipsters, carp.
January 4: The Former President’s Former Cat
Who:
India, George W. Bush’s black cat.
The cat lived with the bushes for nearly two decades, first in the Texas Governor’s Mansion in Austin, and then at the White House.
Being a black cat named India came with some controversy: in 2004 protestors in the Indian state of Kerala burned an effigy of Bush in unfortunate-cat-name-induced rage. Though the cat was actually named for Ruben ‘El Indio’ Sierra, a Texas Rangers baseball player from when Bush owned the team.
How:
Cause of death unknown. And we’re certainly not saying that it was anything to do with Bush’s rage about having to move out of the White House sixteen days from India’s January 4th death. Nor are we inferring that it was a kitty suicide when India realized she’d have to move back to Texas.
The Legacy:
Black cats remain unlucky. The Obama’s puppy, Bo, sleeps with one eye open.
January 13: The woman with the army of eagles
Who:
Joan Keene, aka The Eagle Lady.
Keene was a former rodeo trick rider who lived in Homer, Alaska.
Shortly after she moved to Alaska, she saw two bald-headed eagles and tossed some leftover fish to them. A decade later, she was feeding over two hundred of the big guys, stockpiling fish scraps donated from local companies. And if she ever caught wind of a dead moose on the highway, that fucker’d be sliced up and on the specials board at Chez Eagle Diner by lunchtime.
Every day, she would drive a forklift from her job at a fish processing facility, deliver it to her motor home and then cut up the freezer-burned fish into fist-sized chunks for the eagles. If it was still frozen, she’d take an axe, chainsaw or motherfucking blowtorch to it. All up, it was three hours in the day, and about 50,000 pounds of fish a year, for some snooty, ungrateful guys in tuxedos.
Stock Photo.
In 1986 she told the Anchorage Daily News ‘I don't know if anyone else would do this. My motorhome smells like fish. My yard is fish. My truck is fish. I am fish. It gets kind of gross sometimes, especially when you're handling a lot of slimy carcasses’. And fellas, she was single.
How:
Respiratory condition. Whether it was caused by Bird Fancier’s Lung (no, really, it’s a thing) is unconfirmed.
The Legacy:
Since Alaska hates nature and everything about it, straight after Keene died the city of Homer passed a law prohibiting feeding predatory birds.
January 18: The Robot from Lost in Space
Who:
Bob May, the man inside the ‘bot (the voice of the robot died in 2004). He appeared inside the robot for all 83 episodes, but sadly, not in the 1998 movie, as he no longer fit inside the suit. But in the good ol’ days, he loved the suit so much that he called it a ‘home away from home’ and wore it all day while filming. During lunch, through smoke breaks, and possibly through giving groupies a seeing-to in his trailer [citation needed].
How:
Congestive heart failure.
The Legacy:
We’re cheated of his possibly-robosexual memoires, Deep Inside the Robot.
February 12: 9/11 Steering Committee Member Dies in Plane Crash
Who:
Beverley Eckert, advocate for those affected by 9/11.
How:
Commuter aircraft accident
The Legacy:
There’s no joke here, we just thought it was a very, very unfortunate coincidence. Like how Sylvia Plath’s 47-year-old biologist son committed suicide on March 16 this year. Death has a morbid sense of humor sometimes.
February 16: The Biggest Jerk to Ever be Called ‘Chimpanzee’
Who:
Travis, a male Chimpanzee actor with an axe to grind. Possibly because his owners named him ‘Travis’.
Travis appeared in many commercials and TV shows, including a TV pilot starring Sheryl Crowe and Michael Moore (which we assume was called The WTF Hour).
You think monkeys are cool? They’re cunts. ‘Oh, look, Travis is feeding the horses/brushing his teeth/playing baseball’ you hear. You don’t hear, ‘Oh, look! Travis bit and then tried to drag a woman into the car with him in 1996, oh, look, it’s 2003 and Travis is running after a man in a car, blood on his monkey mind.’
How:
Shot, after attacking Charla Nash, a friend of his keeper, who lost her eyes, nose, face and fucking hands.
The Legacy:
A new law prohibiting people from owning exotic pets of Travis’ size.
February 20: Another Type of Presidential Pussy for Clinton
Who: Socks the Cat, pet of the Clinton family during Bill’s time in office.
This year was a bad one for ex-president’s cats. Socks was the principal White House pet until they acquired Buddy, a Labrador. Socks ‘despised Buddy’ and when Clinton vacated the White House, they took Buddy with them, and Socks stayed with Clinton’s secretary.
How:
Cancer, at age 20.
The Legacy:
A 1998 book by Hilary Clinton, called Dear Socks, Dear Buddy: Kids’ Letters to the First Pets, in which we see over 50 letters children have written to the President’s fucking pets. Kids are retarded.
March 29: Lorne
Who:
Andy Hallett, the crooner who captured the hearts of nerds and fanboys worldwide with his portrayal of Lorne in the TV series Angel.
Originally the PA for Joss Whedon’s wife, the couple were so blown away by his voice that Joss wrote a character for him on his new show, Angel.
How:
Congestive heart failure.
The Legacy:
Scores of nerds flock to LA karaoke bars to drink to Lorne’s memory. In return, karaoke bars forced to purchase instrumental versions of Once More with Feeling for their new regulars. Old regulars forced to listen to off-key versions of I’ll Never Tell on a loop.
June 23: I Am My Own Patient
Who:
Jerri Nielsen, an American physician stationed at the South Pole.
Nielsen developed breast cancer at a time when her station was physically cut off from the rest of the world. So she did what anyone would have done: operated on herself to extract tissue samples for analysis.
When it was confirmed as breast cancer, she underwent self-administered chemotherapy. She went into remission and was brought back to the United States.
How:
Several years later, the cancer came back, and she eventually died form complications from a brain tumor.
The Legacy:
With the cost of healthcare growing, her autobiography Ice Bound: A Doctor’s Incredible Story may make a handy how-to guide for home procedures.
June 30: The Spy Who Shagged Me
Who:
Shi Pei Pu, spy and shemale.
A Chinese opera singer, Shi had a 20-year long affair with a French Embassy worker, Bernard Boursicot. Shi convinced Boursicot he was a woman, even going as far as buying a ‘son’ from a poor villager.
When Boursicot first met Shi, he was dressed as a man. Shi told him he was actually a woman, forced to live as a man to satisfy his father’s wish for a son. Their sexual relationship was maintained ‘quickly and in darkness’, and Boursicot was convinced Shi was a woman. Boursicot arranged for Shi and their ‘son’, Shi Du Du, to be brought to Paris, where Shi was busted for being a spy. And having a penis.
When the story broke, Boursicot slit his throat, but survived.
How:
After a long illness.
The Legacy:
More men insisting on having sex with the lights on. All the way on.
July 13: King of the Hipsters
Who:
Dash Snow, Artist and Trustafarian.
Snow was heir to a limitless fortune, and as such was able to flee his parents in his early teens to live on the streets. Some of Snow’s more infamous pieces feature newspapers splashed with his own semen, and Polaroids of his hipster friends getting fucked up.
Also, he named his daughter Secret Magic Nico.
How:
Drug overdose.
The Legacy:
The art world can’t decide whether he was the Kurt Cobain or Paris Hilton of contemporary American art. Either way, fellow hipsters are going to have to try even harder to be shocking in their never ending exploitation of sex, drugs and violence. Sorry, Vice Magazine.
July: Britain’s Favorite Fish
Who:
Benson, ‘Britain’s biggest and best-loved carp’. Known as ‘The People’s Fish’, she was voted Britain’s Favorite Carp in 2005, in a tough and incredibly boring poll. Britain loved her so much, that she was caught 63 times over 13 years. Because to the British, ‘love’ means hooking you by the lip and forcing you up by the spike, to half drown in air, before hurling you back to your home. They’re romantic like that. Also, she was named for a suspicious hole in her fin that looked like a cigarette burn, but was probably just more British ‘love marks’.
How:
Undetermined. At the time of her death, she weighed 64 pounds. Some allege she was accidentally poisoned (or ‘over-loved’) by anglers using uncooked nuts. Others say complications with pregnancy, as she was carrying 300,000 eggs at the time, the filthy whore.
The Legacy:
Britain must find a new fish to inflict their love on.
More tomorrow! Read more!
Sunday, 27 December 2009
Cracked - Want Moar?
I'll have an article appearing at Cracked.com in a few days. I'll let you know when it's up.
Also! If you like it, stick around: I'll have the 'deleted scenes' (ie the points that didn't make the cut - it was a fairly big article) up the day after it hits.
Oh, also-also: Happy Christmas. Read more!
Also! If you like it, stick around: I'll have the 'deleted scenes' (ie the points that didn't make the cut - it was a fairly big article) up the day after it hits.
Oh, also-also: Happy Christmas. Read more!
Friday, 25 September 2009
I have a show coming up for the Fringe Festival. It promises to be made of awesome. Attend!
Get tickets here.
Also, this!
Read more!
Get tickets here.
Also, this!
Read more!
Tuesday, 4 August 2009
Hot Tip: FIlm Edition
Our long-suffering Tech Manager Chris Goodes has a movie out at the moment: Red Cliff.
Go see it! Originally it was two movies totaling five hours, but the US/Australian release is one 2.5-hour film. It loses a lot, and the first half feels like a trailer, but see it at the cinema for the big screen 'oooh!' factor and see the better versions later. It
Reports that some explosion sounds for this Chinese big budget war epic were recorded at a bonfire in Nutfield (near Hurstbridge) are ridiculous and true. This was cross-posted to my other blog, too. What? I want the word out. Read more!
Go see it! Originally it was two movies totaling five hours, but the US/Australian release is one 2.5-hour film. It loses a lot, and the first half feels like a trailer, but see it at the cinema for the big screen 'oooh!' factor and see the better versions later. It
Reports that some explosion sounds for this Chinese big budget war epic were recorded at a bonfire in Nutfield (near Hurstbridge) are ridiculous and true. This was cross-posted to my other blog, too. What? I want the word out. Read more!
Friday, 10 July 2009
Gendermash Performance!
Next Friday, I'll be performing as part of GENDERMASH #4 at Gasworks theatre!
I have four minutes, but the line up looks ace and it sounds like it's going to be lots of fun. Chack it out!
The more is a lie. Have some cake. Read more!
I have four minutes, but the line up looks ace and it sounds like it's going to be lots of fun. Chack it out!
The more is a lie. Have some cake. Read more!
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