Part One, Part Two, Part Three.
The fourth and final instalment after the jump!
The Fat Guy and the Hogg
Date: October 8
Who Died: Norman Hogg, Baron Hogg of Cumbernauld FSA Scot, Scottish Labour politician, cancer. José Luis Garza Rodríguez, one of the world's heaviest people, heart failure.
Though weighing 452 kilos, Garza isn’t as interesting as Manuel Uribe Garza, the other morbidly obese Mexican bloke come good who tried to help him lose weight. He used to weigh 520 kilos, now weighs 360 as of October, but continues to lose weight. Dig this wiki entry about his wedding, snip:
Wedding
After four years together, Uribe, who hadn't left bed for six years, married Solís from his bed. ‘I am proof you can find love in any circumstances. It's all a question of faith. I have a wife and will form a new family and live a happy life’.
He was transported to the civil wedding on his specially-reinforced four-poster bed, draped with cream and gold and adorned in bright sunflowers, on the back of a truck. Donning a white silk shirt with a sheet around his legs he waited to greet Solís as she walked down a flight of stairs wearing a strapless ivory dress and a tiara before 400 guests. Discovery Channel's My Big Fat Mexican Wedding documentary will be the third TV show featuring Uribe.
What Really Happened: Anyway, back to our two fight to the death-ers. Obviously a fight broke out when Norman Hogg misheard Garza's claims that he, himself was the biggest Hogg. Boom boom!
Battle of the ‘Bama Lovers
Date: November 2
Who Died: Terence D. Tolbert, American political operative, Nevada state director for Barack Obama's 2008 presidential campaign, heart attack. Madelyn Lee Payne Dunham, maternal grandmother of Obama, cancer.
Born and raised in Harlem, Tolbert’s middle school was named after him in November 2008, as a memorial.
Dunham was a tough cookie. You’d have to be: if a man has the tenacity and intelligence to become president (without his dad paving the way first, of course), then imagine the debates about curfew once puberty hit.
What Really Happened: Two days before the election and stress levels were at an all-time high in the Obama camp. But who loved him most? Tolbert kept claiming it was him, but Dunham, who raised Obama from the age of 10, begged to differ. Tolbert wouldn’t let up, but Dunham was a fan of swift, brutal punishment: after a painful birth she named her only daughter Stanley, for Christ’s sake.
The cruel irony is that they loved him ‘most’ equally, but now they’re both dead, the title goes to a Jamal Greenbaum, a honkey hipster living in Detroit, who will tell you within five minutes of introduction that all his friends are black, after forcing you to partake in a needlessly complex handshake/high five greeting.
The Fallout: A scragfight erupts when 46 meaty but well-groomed thirtysomething women have the same debate about Bill Clinton.
Dictator’s Grandson V Dictator Thief
Date: November 2
Who Died: Domenico Leccisi, Italian politician best known for stealing the corpse of the fascist dictator Benito Mussolini from an unmarked grave, heart and respiratory disease. Joseph Alliluyev, Russian cardiologist, grandson of Joseph Stalin.
What Really Happened: The League of Dictator’s Offspring finally got to Leccisi.
The Fallout: The League of Dictator’s Offspring reveal themselves, and have to beat off the Marvel Comic offers with a two metre replica of Hitler’s only testicle. ‘Come on, it’ll be fun to be a super villain in your very own comic book!’ Stan Lee whines, thinking of his inevitable cameo in the movie version.
Hawaiian Shirts and Child Actors
Date: December 22 and 23
Who Died: Alfred Shaheen, textile industrialist credited with popularising the Hawaiian shirt, complications from diabeties. Manuel Benitez, child actor wanted by the FBI, shot by police.
Shaheen was originally from New Jersey, which might explain his fashion taste. His family moved to Hawaii when he was 16, and at 26 he opened his garment business. By 29, in 1952, his business began silkscreening Polynesian and Asian designs onto silk, cotton, and rayon for Hawaiian shirts and other garments. But the 80s hit his business hard, with their ‘fluro leopard print OR NOTHING’ ideologies. He closed shop in 1988.
Benitez went by the stage name Mark Everett. His roles included parts in Pee Wee's Big Adventure , Galactica 1980 and Highway to Heaven. He’d not done any major acting work since 1988.
He met his girlfriend in 1996, had a child with her and never told her he was a former child actor. To support the family, he did odd jobs, including selling drugs. In 2004 his girlfriend tried to leave him, he tried to abscond with their son while she was asleep. She woke up, they fought, he beat her to death with a dumbbell in front of their three-year-old. He fled, and in 2008 took part in the awesome-sounding El Monte restaurant standoff, which was actually just him locking himself in a restaurant threatening to kill his son, now seven, if the police didn’t leave. It didn’t work out for him. (The son was shot in the thigh, but fine).
What Really Happened: Hawaiian shirts are the staple for fat party guys and precocious Parker-Louis-esque child actors. Think Zac from Saved by the Bell. Perhaps Shaheen was approaching former child actors to bring back the look, and he bumped into Benitez at the El Monte shopping strip. Wrong place, wrong time.
The Fallout: Disney television issues a ban on Hawaiian shirts, fearing that their provocative open-flower designs might give their starlets… ideas.
AIDSFIGHT
Date: December 24
Who Died: Ai Iijima, Japanese media personality. Cause of death still unknown: murder, suicide, heart attack and accidental overdose are all possibilities. Christine Maggiore, HIV-positive activist, pneumonia.
Iijima led a troubled early life. She was raped in her early teens, had an abortion, ran away from and made a living working in karaoke establishments, snack bars, Ginza hostess clubs and in enjo kōsai (paid dating).
She entered the entertainment business in her late teens, appearing on late night television programs wearing g-strings, short skirts, and even appearing topless with saline breast implants. Her stage name was chosen by a fan survey. She was also a popular ‘adult film’ actress. Japanese TV is once again proved to be a billion times better than ours. They have topless porn star teens, we have Late Night with Hot Dogs.
Post porn, she released a single and appeared on talk shows. She had her own manga series about time travel. In 2000 she wrote a semi-autobiographical book, Platonic Sex. In 2004 she participated in AIDS awareness campaigns in Tokyo. In 2007, at 34, she retired from showbiz, commenting that she wanted to set up a business marketing condoms to women.
Maggiore founded ‘Alive & Well AIDS Alternatives’, an organization questioning the link between HIV and AIDS. It also supports HIV-positive pregnant women who want to avoid taking anti-HIV medication.
An AIDS denialer, in May 2005 her three-year-old daughter (Eliza Jane) died from a strain of pneumonia stemming from… untreated AIDS.
Via wikipedia:
Consistent with her belief that HIV was harmless, Maggiore had not taken medication to reduce the risk of transmission of HIV to her daughter during pregnancy, and did not have Eliza Jane tested for HIV during her daughter's lifetime.
What Really Happened: A debate about AIDS turned violent… and was more funny in my head before typing it out. Hm. I’m an awful person.
The Fallout: I go outside to look at that rainbow again, but god’s taken them all away until I stop making fun of dead people. DAMN YOU, MIGHTY LORD! YOU’RE POSSIBLY JUST A HUMAN CONSTRUCT BUT STILL SO VENGEFUL!
Bonus! Three things I discovered while researching this article:
1. A lot of Korean Soap stars killed themselves this year. Here are just three.
2. There is a wikipedia entry for the Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz movie, the actors lovingly categorised into ‘Dead’ and ‘Alive’.
3. Some people… think this article is dead serious. The emailer’s text is pasted here in italics, my response in bold:
Hello
I have an interest in knowing more about this entry you wrote. Could you tell me more about this Grits Gresham item?
Thank you.
[name withheld]
Sure. What would you like to know?
Thank you for responding.
I am curious about your reference to Alex and Grits and what was meant by: [the ‘What Really Happened’ part of the Grits Vs Wildstein, big cat hunting entry]
What was the 'fatal fight' to which you refer? Was it just your humorous euphemistic linking of the ire of Alex or do you believe there was some actual connection between Grits , Alex and Jocelyn?
Thank you.
It was a joke, I was fairly certain that such a preposterous notion would have been looked upon as such.
Just to clarify, the whole 'fight to the death' angle of the article is obviously fiction, dreamed up by me. You know that, right? Every circumstance in the article was taken from the fact that they died on the same day, that's the only link.
(I didn’t get a response)
Read more!
Saturday, 24 January 2009
Monday, 19 January 2009
The Best Celebrity Fights to the Death in 2008, Part Three
Part One, Part Two.
The third and penultimate instalment after the jump!
Horse V Environmentalist
Date: May 3
Who Died: Eight Belles, thoroughbred racehorse, euthanised. Charles Caccia, Canadian environmentalist and politician, stroke.
What Really Happened: You can love animals and the IDEA of them having a tranquil habitat, but regardless, some can be real jerks. This horse was so fucking full of herself – for placing only second, mind you – that even this campaigner for nature felt the need to headbut it right in its long, smirking face.
The Fallout: Race horses realise they might have to start checking their attitude at the door – but they still won’t stop talking loudly on their mobile phones while in the cinema. Fucking douchebags.
Inventors Collide!
Date: May 4
Who Died: Colin Albert Murdoch MNZM, New Zealand pharmacist and veterinarian, cancer. Fredric J. Baur, American chemist and food storage technician.
Murdoch invented the tranquilizer gun, the disposable hypodermic syringe and the child-proof medicine container, among another 46 patents in his name. Baur invented the Pringles can.
Baur requested some of his ashes be buried in a Pringles can. The rest of his remains were placed in an urn buried along with the can, with some placed in another urn and given to one of Baur's grandchildren; the worst posthumous birthday present ever.
What Really Happened: At the anual inventors convention:
‘I’ve helped stop escaped, dangerous yet endangered tigers in their tracks, without killing them!’ ‘Well, I've prevented fat people from reaching their pudgy fist further into the bag of chips!’ a scuffle broke out, beakers went flying…
The Fallout: The next Annual Global Inventors Convention (AGI-con), is heavily policed by burly security guards, who keep exchanging incredulous glances at each other over the scrawny, stooped frames of genius, vengeful killers.
Rugby Player Vs Lady Wrestler
Date: May 9
Who Died: Judy Grable, the Barefoot Contessa, cause of death not yet determined. Jack Gibson, rugby player, commentator and coach.
When Grable was 13 she entered the world of professional wrestling. (Remember how angry you were when you got your first period?)
What Really Happened: First, Rugby, if you don't know, is basically a bunch of guys made of fat and muscle tearing each other apart while a ball rolls past. This is a sport where the players have to tape their ears lest they get ripped off. So this was just a case of two butches having at each other, possibly because it was Friday and they were bored.
The Fallout: The war rages on. Which war? Keep reading.
A Triad of Strange
Date: June 27
Who Died: Madam Marie, fortune teller, 93. ‘Sasha’ Gabor Sarközi, Norwegian porn actor, heart failure. Uga VI, mascot of the University of Georgia, bulldog; heart failure (also).
Madam Marie worked on the Asbury Park (New Jersey), boardwalk from 1932 until 2008, telling fortunes for people including Judy Garland (‘you will die cold, alone, drugged, busted yet fabulous’?) and Bruce Springsteen (‘The girl you pluck out of the crowd to dance with you in your film clip will end up being more successful than you’?).
Sarközi started his ‘acting’ career at 38, an age at which most pr0n actresses have been retired for about a decade. He became quite popular because of his physical similarity to Burt Reynolds and Sean Connery. THINK ABOUT THAT.
Besides working in the porn industry, Sasha Gabor worked as a musician, pilot, writer, and as a Burt Reynolds- and Sean Connery-look-alike. He also spoke eight languages: Norwegian, English, Hungarian, German, French, Russian, Spanish and Portuguese. That’s one well-rounded stunt cock.
Though a mascot by trade, Uga was issued an official student identification card for the University of Georgia. He travelled in an air conditioned dog house and sat on bags of ice at games, since bulldogs are susceptible to heat stroke (and Georgia is so humid). Take THAT, inner city kids who can't get a scholarship and can't afford student accommodation.
What Really Happened: A fortune teller, a porn star and a bulldog. The latter two died of heart failures. I’ll leave this to your sick, sick minds. I’m going outside to look at a rainbow.
The Fallout: You realise the depths of ugliness your mind is capable of. I'll meet you at the rainbow when you're done scrubbing your brain clean.
Racehorse V Gorilla
Date: August 19
Who Died: Jumoke, western lowland gorilla at the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium in Powell, Ohio, complications from an earlier miscarriage. Genuine Risk, 1980 Kentucky Derby winner and first filly to ever finish in the money in all three American Triple Crown races.
What Really Happened: When Jumoke gave birth to a son who wasn’t breathing, she actually gave him mouth to mouth, saving his life. She’s a nice-guy gorilla. But as we previously learnt, racehorses are arrogant fuckers.
Gorillas are down to Earth and frankly, won't take their shit. So perhaps these two were dining at the same fancy restaurant for famous animals, and the racehorse (after too much hay-flavoured champagne) was being obnoxious to the waitress and fellow diners, carrying on, whinnying and what not. She was all, ‘Oh, I’m only the second filly to win the Kentucky Derby, I have a boat named after me, I’ll get free breadsticks if I fucking want them’. So the gorilla confronted her... honestly, it ruined the birthday dinner of the well-known sparrow at the next table.
The Fallout: Nothing. Racehorses still park in wheelchair spots, because ‘they’ll only be in and out in five minutes, ten tops’. Fucking supercilious, cuntish jerks.
Rugby Player V Wrestler Redux!
Date: August 30
Who Died: Killer Kowalski, who I talked about in my Cracked Article. Brian Hambly, another Australian rugby player.
The Fallout: The decades-long feud between American wrestlers and Australian rugby players is finally uncovered.
Stay tuned for the fourth and last installment, next week!
Read more!
The third and penultimate instalment after the jump!
Horse V Environmentalist
Date: May 3
Who Died: Eight Belles, thoroughbred racehorse, euthanised. Charles Caccia, Canadian environmentalist and politician, stroke.
What Really Happened: You can love animals and the IDEA of them having a tranquil habitat, but regardless, some can be real jerks. This horse was so fucking full of herself – for placing only second, mind you – that even this campaigner for nature felt the need to headbut it right in its long, smirking face.
The Fallout: Race horses realise they might have to start checking their attitude at the door – but they still won’t stop talking loudly on their mobile phones while in the cinema. Fucking douchebags.
Inventors Collide!
Date: May 4
Who Died: Colin Albert Murdoch MNZM, New Zealand pharmacist and veterinarian, cancer. Fredric J. Baur, American chemist and food storage technician.
Murdoch invented the tranquilizer gun, the disposable hypodermic syringe and the child-proof medicine container, among another 46 patents in his name. Baur invented the Pringles can.
Baur requested some of his ashes be buried in a Pringles can. The rest of his remains were placed in an urn buried along with the can, with some placed in another urn and given to one of Baur's grandchildren; the worst posthumous birthday present ever.
What Really Happened: At the anual inventors convention:
‘I’ve helped stop escaped, dangerous yet endangered tigers in their tracks, without killing them!’ ‘Well, I've prevented fat people from reaching their pudgy fist further into the bag of chips!’ a scuffle broke out, beakers went flying…
The Fallout: The next Annual Global Inventors Convention (AGI-con), is heavily policed by burly security guards, who keep exchanging incredulous glances at each other over the scrawny, stooped frames of genius, vengeful killers.
Rugby Player Vs Lady Wrestler
Date: May 9
Who Died: Judy Grable, the Barefoot Contessa, cause of death not yet determined. Jack Gibson, rugby player, commentator and coach.
When Grable was 13 she entered the world of professional wrestling. (Remember how angry you were when you got your first period?)
What Really Happened: First, Rugby, if you don't know, is basically a bunch of guys made of fat and muscle tearing each other apart while a ball rolls past. This is a sport where the players have to tape their ears lest they get ripped off. So this was just a case of two butches having at each other, possibly because it was Friday and they were bored.
The Fallout: The war rages on. Which war? Keep reading.
A Triad of Strange
Date: June 27
Who Died: Madam Marie, fortune teller, 93. ‘Sasha’ Gabor Sarközi, Norwegian porn actor, heart failure. Uga VI, mascot of the University of Georgia, bulldog; heart failure (also).
Madam Marie worked on the Asbury Park (New Jersey), boardwalk from 1932 until 2008, telling fortunes for people including Judy Garland (‘you will die cold, alone, drugged, busted yet fabulous’?) and Bruce Springsteen (‘The girl you pluck out of the crowd to dance with you in your film clip will end up being more successful than you’?).
Sarközi started his ‘acting’ career at 38, an age at which most pr0n actresses have been retired for about a decade. He became quite popular because of his physical similarity to Burt Reynolds and Sean Connery. THINK ABOUT THAT.
Besides working in the porn industry, Sasha Gabor worked as a musician, pilot, writer, and as a Burt Reynolds- and Sean Connery-look-alike. He also spoke eight languages: Norwegian, English, Hungarian, German, French, Russian, Spanish and Portuguese. That’s one well-rounded stunt cock.
Though a mascot by trade, Uga was issued an official student identification card for the University of Georgia. He travelled in an air conditioned dog house and sat on bags of ice at games, since bulldogs are susceptible to heat stroke (and Georgia is so humid). Take THAT, inner city kids who can't get a scholarship and can't afford student accommodation.
What Really Happened: A fortune teller, a porn star and a bulldog. The latter two died of heart failures. I’ll leave this to your sick, sick minds. I’m going outside to look at a rainbow.
The Fallout: You realise the depths of ugliness your mind is capable of. I'll meet you at the rainbow when you're done scrubbing your brain clean.
Racehorse V Gorilla
Date: August 19
Who Died: Jumoke, western lowland gorilla at the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium in Powell, Ohio, complications from an earlier miscarriage. Genuine Risk, 1980 Kentucky Derby winner and first filly to ever finish in the money in all three American Triple Crown races.
What Really Happened: When Jumoke gave birth to a son who wasn’t breathing, she actually gave him mouth to mouth, saving his life. She’s a nice-guy gorilla. But as we previously learnt, racehorses are arrogant fuckers.
Gorillas are down to Earth and frankly, won't take their shit. So perhaps these two were dining at the same fancy restaurant for famous animals, and the racehorse (after too much hay-flavoured champagne) was being obnoxious to the waitress and fellow diners, carrying on, whinnying and what not. She was all, ‘Oh, I’m only the second filly to win the Kentucky Derby, I have a boat named after me, I’ll get free breadsticks if I fucking want them’. So the gorilla confronted her... honestly, it ruined the birthday dinner of the well-known sparrow at the next table.
The Fallout: Nothing. Racehorses still park in wheelchair spots, because ‘they’ll only be in and out in five minutes, ten tops’. Fucking supercilious, cuntish jerks.
Rugby Player V Wrestler Redux!
Date: August 30
Who Died: Killer Kowalski, who I talked about in my Cracked Article. Brian Hambly, another Australian rugby player.
The Fallout: The decades-long feud between American wrestlers and Australian rugby players is finally uncovered.
Stay tuned for the fourth and last installment, next week!
Read more!
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
The Best Celebrity Fights to the Death in 2008, Part Two
Previously.
The second instalment after the jump!
Geek V Nerd
Date: March 4
Who Died: Leonard Rosenman, Academy Award and Emmy Award winning film, television and concert composer, heart attack. Gary Gygax, co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons, abdominal aortic aneurysm.
Rosenman is responsible for the music on some of the geekiest movies ever: Fantastic Voyage, The Lord of the Rings (1978 version) and Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home among many others. He also did the music for the Twilight Zone TV series. Gygax is responsible for some of the best scientists and mathematicians of our time missing uni exams and failing, thanks to all-night D&D tournaments.
What Really Happened: A miscommunication about which armour reigns supreme, and all of a sudden it was beard pulling and black t-shirt tearing from here to their mothers’ houses.
The Fallout: A new RPG, Geek V Nerd, in which Dweeb trumps Spazz, but Nerd trumps Dweeb. Unless Dweeb has plus ten Smug Points, won by formidable knowledge of physics or XKCD, extensive comic book collection, anime knowledge or a high WOW level.
Kill or Be Killed or Both
Date: March 10
Who Died: Richard Biegenwald, New Jersey serial killer, respiratory and kidney failure. William Richard Bradford, serial killer, cancer.
Biegenwald killed at least nine people (likely more) when he was between the ages of 18 and 43. He set fire to the family home at five, at eight was drinking and gambling, at nine he had electroshock therapy. He went to a ‘State Training School for Boys’ (a kiddie prison), visiting his mother occasionally to steal from her. At 11, he set himself on fire on one of these visits. At 16, he graduated eighth grade and left kiddie prison to attend high school, which he dropped out of after a few weeks. He went to Nashville and stole a car. He was returned to his mother in New Jersey, stole another car and robbed a grocery store, shooting the shopkeeper dead. He went to jail for 16 years (released early for good behaviour). Life outside went: odd jobs, attempted rape conviction, conviction dropped, got married, killed a girl, then another, a friend of his wife’s was shown the bodies, she dobbed him in, police arrested him and seized his weapons, drugs and… puff adder, more bodies were uncovered, he went back to jail.
Bradford, on the other hand, pretended to be a photographer. After his arrest, police found pictures of 54 different women in modelling poses. Police believe that the other women were also killed by Bradford, and the photos depict their last moments alive. This is creepy yet unconfirmed.
While on bail awaiting a rape trial, Bradford met a barmaid at LA bar ‘The Meet Market’ (yes) and lured her to a remote campsite. He took pictures of her, then strangled her, slicing off her tattoos (so she wouldn’t be identified), removed her blouse and dumped her in an alley.
Shortly afterwards, he lured his 15-year-old neighbour to the same campsite, took pictures then strangled her, leaving the body there and covering her face with the barmaid’s blouse.
During the trial he fired his lawyer. Bradford then acted as his own counsel, but offered no evidence or arguments of his innocence, instead opting to close with the implication that there were more murdered women still undiscovered: ‘Think of how many you don't even know about. You are so right. That's it.’ In jail, he wrote some poetry. Five days before his execution, he started professing his innocence, and in 2006 the LA police department released the headshots found in his house. The vast majority of the women remain unidentified, though one was discovered decapitated in Malibu in 1978.
What Really Happened: After an administration error dropped Bradford’s first name from the prisoner database, cellmates started debating who was the creepiest Richard B, and both decided to defend their honour. But considering how kill-happy these desperadoes were, it could have easily been because of a debate about the benefits of setting one’s watch a few minutes early.
The Fallout: A CSI: Miami episode has already been done (an actress on the show, Eva LaRue, has identified her sister as being number three on the headshot list the police released). Perhaps CSI can also do an ep on Biegenwald, about some guy who from the age of five just keeps fucking up.
Two holocaust survivors from Auschwitz battle it out
Date: March 7
Who Died: Leon Greenman OBE, British anti-fascism campaigner and survivor of the Auschwitz concentration camp, pneumonia. Julius Paltiel, one of twenty-six Norwegian Jews who returned from Auschwitz.
What Really Happened: Actually, this one’s too tasteless even for me.
The Fallout: Lisa starts feeling very bad about her choice in feature article topics.
Panda V Muscle Man… Part One
Date: April 1 & 2
Who Died: Taotao, China’s oldest living Panda at the time of her death at 36, brain thrombus and a cerebral hemorrhage. Péter Baczakó, Hungarian Weightlifter, cancer.
Baczakó was a gold medal Olympian, winning the middleweight division at Moscow in 1980 (and bronze in the light at Montreal in 1976). He was also diagnosed with muscular dystrophy and spent his last months wheelchair-bound.
What Really Happened: I think we all know. Baczakó tried to show the world he was still number one. Female giant pandas can weigh up to 100 kgs. Do I really need to spell it out? He tried to lift the panda. He did, but dropped her, crushing him and killing her.
The Fallout: A deadly new record to break.
The Manly Actor V the Doco Maker
Date: April 5
Who Died: Charlton Heston, actor and gun enthusiast, pneumonia. Alex Grasshoff, American documentary filmmaker, complications from bypass surgery on his leg.
In 1969 Grasshoff won an Oscar for his documentary Young Americans. But the Academy then found out the film had been shown first in October 1967, making it ineligible for the 1969 award (which only honoured films first shown in 1968). In a move of enviable dick bureaucracy, the Academy revoked the award, the only time in history this has happened. Grasshoff was nominated for another documentary in 1974, but didn’t win. Dick move, academy. Dick move.
What Really Happened: Though Heston only won one Oscar, in 1960 for Ben Hur, he was fiercely protective of the Academy’s reputation. And a move from initially being a moderate Democrat, to conservative in his later life, shows a decline in his capacity for logic. As the decades wore on, he felt the need to protect the good name of the Oscars. But Grasshoff was ready for him, with his makeshift imitation statue on hand…
The Fallout: No one bad mouths the Oscars every again. Until the next one. Though afterwards, they sleep with one eye open for the ghost of Heston.
Also, just for a second think of the ghost of Heston, all coming at you, sinewy and vengeful.
Record Producer V Mister Chicken Dance
Date: April 9
Who Died: George Butler, American jazz record producer, complications from Alzheimer's disease. Bob Kames, American musician, prostate cancer.
Butler launched the careers of a number of famous artists, including Harry Connick Jr. Kames ‘developed and popularised’ a version of the polka song ‘Dance Little Bird’, which is a nice way of saying he tweaked it a bit, called it the Chicken Dance and then made weddings for decades to come suck. Though he also owned and operated a chain of music stores called 'Bob Kames Wonderful World of Music', which I kind of love.
What Really Happened: Kames approached Butler about an updated version of the Chicken Dance, possibly ghetto-jam or trip hop inspired. Butler had none or it. Kames pointed out that the Chicken Dance had sold over 300,000 copies in Poland alone. Butler pointed out that this was in 1983. Things got heated. Two old men in pastel-coloured suits and wide ties with diagonal stripes had it out. There were no survivors.
The Fallout: The A & R guy to replace Butler stumbles upon the correspondence between Kames and Butler… and gets Soulja Boy (himself a song-specific dance enthusiast) to record it.
Panda V Muscle Man… Part Two
Date: April 30
Who Died: Ling Ling, once the oldest male Giant Panda in Japan (22), old age. Clarence Ross, American bodybuilder.
What Really Happened: Since he came second for Mr USA in 1949 (he placed first in 1947), Ross has been looking for another way to prove he’s still number one. When he heard about Baczakó’s attempt to lift a giant panda, he decided to give it a go.
Ling Ling’s name actually means ‘darling little girl’ in Chinese. And despite having a mate, Tong Tong, and a stream of other Panda-babes, he never impregnated one. So he actually volunteered to be benchpressed, just to prove he’s still butch as.
The Fallout: The record for ‘bench pressed a panda without killing both self and panda’ remains. When will it claim its next elderly muscle man and ageing panda duo?
Read more!
The second instalment after the jump!
Geek V Nerd
Date: March 4
Who Died: Leonard Rosenman, Academy Award and Emmy Award winning film, television and concert composer, heart attack. Gary Gygax, co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons, abdominal aortic aneurysm.
Rosenman is responsible for the music on some of the geekiest movies ever: Fantastic Voyage, The Lord of the Rings (1978 version) and Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home among many others. He also did the music for the Twilight Zone TV series. Gygax is responsible for some of the best scientists and mathematicians of our time missing uni exams and failing, thanks to all-night D&D tournaments.
What Really Happened: A miscommunication about which armour reigns supreme, and all of a sudden it was beard pulling and black t-shirt tearing from here to their mothers’ houses.
The Fallout: A new RPG, Geek V Nerd, in which Dweeb trumps Spazz, but Nerd trumps Dweeb. Unless Dweeb has plus ten Smug Points, won by formidable knowledge of physics or XKCD, extensive comic book collection, anime knowledge or a high WOW level.
Kill or Be Killed or Both
Date: March 10
Who Died: Richard Biegenwald, New Jersey serial killer, respiratory and kidney failure. William Richard Bradford, serial killer, cancer.
Biegenwald killed at least nine people (likely more) when he was between the ages of 18 and 43. He set fire to the family home at five, at eight was drinking and gambling, at nine he had electroshock therapy. He went to a ‘State Training School for Boys’ (a kiddie prison), visiting his mother occasionally to steal from her. At 11, he set himself on fire on one of these visits. At 16, he graduated eighth grade and left kiddie prison to attend high school, which he dropped out of after a few weeks. He went to Nashville and stole a car. He was returned to his mother in New Jersey, stole another car and robbed a grocery store, shooting the shopkeeper dead. He went to jail for 16 years (released early for good behaviour). Life outside went: odd jobs, attempted rape conviction, conviction dropped, got married, killed a girl, then another, a friend of his wife’s was shown the bodies, she dobbed him in, police arrested him and seized his weapons, drugs and… puff adder, more bodies were uncovered, he went back to jail.
Bradford, on the other hand, pretended to be a photographer. After his arrest, police found pictures of 54 different women in modelling poses. Police believe that the other women were also killed by Bradford, and the photos depict their last moments alive. This is creepy yet unconfirmed.
While on bail awaiting a rape trial, Bradford met a barmaid at LA bar ‘The Meet Market’ (yes) and lured her to a remote campsite. He took pictures of her, then strangled her, slicing off her tattoos (so she wouldn’t be identified), removed her blouse and dumped her in an alley.
Shortly afterwards, he lured his 15-year-old neighbour to the same campsite, took pictures then strangled her, leaving the body there and covering her face with the barmaid’s blouse.
During the trial he fired his lawyer. Bradford then acted as his own counsel, but offered no evidence or arguments of his innocence, instead opting to close with the implication that there were more murdered women still undiscovered: ‘Think of how many you don't even know about. You are so right. That's it.’ In jail, he wrote some poetry. Five days before his execution, he started professing his innocence, and in 2006 the LA police department released the headshots found in his house. The vast majority of the women remain unidentified, though one was discovered decapitated in Malibu in 1978.
What Really Happened: After an administration error dropped Bradford’s first name from the prisoner database, cellmates started debating who was the creepiest Richard B, and both decided to defend their honour. But considering how kill-happy these desperadoes were, it could have easily been because of a debate about the benefits of setting one’s watch a few minutes early.
The Fallout: A CSI: Miami episode has already been done (an actress on the show, Eva LaRue, has identified her sister as being number three on the headshot list the police released). Perhaps CSI can also do an ep on Biegenwald, about some guy who from the age of five just keeps fucking up.
Two holocaust survivors from Auschwitz battle it out
Date: March 7
Who Died: Leon Greenman OBE, British anti-fascism campaigner and survivor of the Auschwitz concentration camp, pneumonia. Julius Paltiel, one of twenty-six Norwegian Jews who returned from Auschwitz.
What Really Happened: Actually, this one’s too tasteless even for me.
The Fallout: Lisa starts feeling very bad about her choice in feature article topics.
Panda V Muscle Man… Part One
Date: April 1 & 2
Who Died: Taotao, China’s oldest living Panda at the time of her death at 36, brain thrombus and a cerebral hemorrhage. Péter Baczakó, Hungarian Weightlifter, cancer.
Baczakó was a gold medal Olympian, winning the middleweight division at Moscow in 1980 (and bronze in the light at Montreal in 1976). He was also diagnosed with muscular dystrophy and spent his last months wheelchair-bound.
What Really Happened: I think we all know. Baczakó tried to show the world he was still number one. Female giant pandas can weigh up to 100 kgs. Do I really need to spell it out? He tried to lift the panda. He did, but dropped her, crushing him and killing her.
The Fallout: A deadly new record to break.
The Manly Actor V the Doco Maker
Date: April 5
Who Died: Charlton Heston, actor and gun enthusiast, pneumonia. Alex Grasshoff, American documentary filmmaker, complications from bypass surgery on his leg.
In 1969 Grasshoff won an Oscar for his documentary Young Americans. But the Academy then found out the film had been shown first in October 1967, making it ineligible for the 1969 award (which only honoured films first shown in 1968). In a move of enviable dick bureaucracy, the Academy revoked the award, the only time in history this has happened. Grasshoff was nominated for another documentary in 1974, but didn’t win. Dick move, academy. Dick move.
What Really Happened: Though Heston only won one Oscar, in 1960 for Ben Hur, he was fiercely protective of the Academy’s reputation. And a move from initially being a moderate Democrat, to conservative in his later life, shows a decline in his capacity for logic. As the decades wore on, he felt the need to protect the good name of the Oscars. But Grasshoff was ready for him, with his makeshift imitation statue on hand…
The Fallout: No one bad mouths the Oscars every again. Until the next one. Though afterwards, they sleep with one eye open for the ghost of Heston.
Also, just for a second think of the ghost of Heston, all coming at you, sinewy and vengeful.
Record Producer V Mister Chicken Dance
Date: April 9
Who Died: George Butler, American jazz record producer, complications from Alzheimer's disease. Bob Kames, American musician, prostate cancer.
Butler launched the careers of a number of famous artists, including Harry Connick Jr. Kames ‘developed and popularised’ a version of the polka song ‘Dance Little Bird’, which is a nice way of saying he tweaked it a bit, called it the Chicken Dance and then made weddings for decades to come suck. Though he also owned and operated a chain of music stores called 'Bob Kames Wonderful World of Music', which I kind of love.
What Really Happened: Kames approached Butler about an updated version of the Chicken Dance, possibly ghetto-jam or trip hop inspired. Butler had none or it. Kames pointed out that the Chicken Dance had sold over 300,000 copies in Poland alone. Butler pointed out that this was in 1983. Things got heated. Two old men in pastel-coloured suits and wide ties with diagonal stripes had it out. There were no survivors.
The Fallout: The A & R guy to replace Butler stumbles upon the correspondence between Kames and Butler… and gets Soulja Boy (himself a song-specific dance enthusiast) to record it.
Panda V Muscle Man… Part Two
Date: April 30
Who Died: Ling Ling, once the oldest male Giant Panda in Japan (22), old age. Clarence Ross, American bodybuilder.
What Really Happened: Since he came second for Mr USA in 1949 (he placed first in 1947), Ross has been looking for another way to prove he’s still number one. When he heard about Baczakó’s attempt to lift a giant panda, he decided to give it a go.
Ling Ling’s name actually means ‘darling little girl’ in Chinese. And despite having a mate, Tong Tong, and a stream of other Panda-babes, he never impregnated one. So he actually volunteered to be benchpressed, just to prove he’s still butch as.
The Fallout: The record for ‘bench pressed a panda without killing both self and panda’ remains. When will it claim its next elderly muscle man and ageing panda duo?
Read more!
Monday, 12 January 2009
Hi, Babble Baby Readers!
I have a thought piece in the 'Notes From A Non-Breeder' section of Babble.com.au. Have a look if you're so inclined: I Don't Like Children. Even Yours.
And welcome to anyone who clicked through to my blog from the byline. Have a look around, why not.
Also, another instalment of Celeb Fights to the Death will be here tomorrow!
Nothing more this time. I do that. Sorry. Read more!
And welcome to anyone who clicked through to my blog from the byline. Have a look around, why not.
Also, another instalment of Celeb Fights to the Death will be here tomorrow!
Nothing more this time. I do that. Sorry. Read more!
Monday, 5 January 2009
The X Best Celebrity Fights to the Death (we think) in 2008, Part One
Celebrities are different from us. We have jobs where we sit at desks all day; they have a job where they have to sing a pop song every night to thousands of screaming 14-year-olds. On the weekends we stay at home drinking and watching their movies, they’re kite surfing on a beach in Australia and getting rubbed down by beautiful women. Even low-level notoriety changes someone… like how the creator of the slinky left his family to join a cult in Bolivia.
When a celebrity dies, we usually get an information overload: Coroners’ reports, leaked crime scene pictures and suicide notes, tearful ‘my last moment with him’ accounts. But what if it was all bullshit? What if the arrogance that often comes with notoriety led to a heightened sense of honour, and if that honour was ever questioned, led to a fight to the death?
Here are a few well-known people who died on the same day this year, and the real story behind what happened. We think.
MAYOR V MAYOR
Date: January 3
Who Died: Harry L. ‘Butch’ Felker III, former Mayor of Topeka, cancer. Joseph Aaron Lazarow, former Mayor of Atlantic City, New Jersey, cause of death unspecified.
What Really Happened: The year started off slow. Well-known socialites and celebrities alike were recovering from the holidays on yachts and in spas worldwide. But these two had a score to settle, possibly regarding parking restrictions.
The Fallout: Mayor V Mayor becomes a new Marvel comic, with three spinoffs: Commissioner V Commissioner, Comptrollers at War and Ombudsmen Collide!
THE RESTAURANTEUR V THE COMPETITIVE EATER
Date: January 7
Who Died: Jean-Claude Vrinat, owner of the Haute Cuisine Taillevent restaurant, lung cancer. Edward Abraham ‘Bozo’ Miller, Gastronomical Champion of competitive eating, ‘natural causes’.
What Really Happened: the Times UK has called Taillevent ‘one of the grandest traditional establishments in Paris’. With a discounted lunch menu at 80 Euros, ($100 USD), it’s obvious what happened. Bozo came, he ate his fill, he got the cheque, he asked to see the owner… and then things got ugly. Deliciously, fatally ugly.
The Fallout: Once the heroic battle is publicised, a book on the life and times of Bozo Miller is released. This is a man who weighed 300 pounds, ate up to 25,000 calories per day, once ate 1000 packets of potato chips (flavour unspecified) and once drank a lion under the table. Yet he lived until the age of 89, and married a former Princess of the Pasadena Rose Bowl (basically, a beauty queen). Upon the book’s release, we’ll see an increase in competitive eating, alcoholism, and domestic abuse among big cats.
ACTRESS V BALLERINA
Date: January 10
Who Died: Maila Nurmi, actress known for her ‘Vampira’ character, the inspiration for both Elvira and Booberella. Andrée Marlière, internationally renown ballerina, cancer.
What Really Happened: Who knows what it was about. But considering Nurmi was 85 and Marlière was 73, we can’t help but think this battle would have been way, way hotter had it happened five decades ago.
The Fallout: The vicious, sexy, decades-long feud between actresses and ballerinas is finally brought to light.
MEDIA PERSONALITY V BUSINESSMAN: A TALE OF TWO GAMEHUNTERS
Date: February 18
Who Died: Alec Wildenstein, French international art dealer, ex-husband of socialite Jocelyn Wildenstein, cancer. Grits Gresham, American conservationist, sportsman, and actor, complications with pneumonia.
What Really Happened: You may know Alec as the ex of Socialite and Very Scary Person Jocelyn Wildenstein:
It turns out they had a… difficult relationship. When Jocelyn suspected Alec of having affairs, she started the plastic surgery that would eventually make her:
When she confronted him about the affairs, he threatened her with a gun, and was briefly jailed. Once divorce proceedings started, both refused to leave their New York City townhouse, so they divided the apartment (we assume with a sitcom-esque white line drawn straight down the middle). When Jocelyn discovered she now only had one servant and didn’t have access to the private jet, things got really ugly.
Grits, meanwhile, was just your average retired media personality with a love for hunting. He’d hunted all his life, and was once terrifyingly quoted as saying ‘two things were going to happen every day when I was growing up. The sun was going to rise, and I was going to shoot something’.
Being a hunter his all life, he would have bagged a fair amount of game over the years. But there was one trophy left: the big cat.
The fatal fight started when Alec told Grits he was the one who wanted to shoot her first.
The Fallout:
To this day she remains in her natural habitat: the New York socialite scene.
THE SPY V THE SUBMARINER
Date: February 24
Who Died: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pearl_Witherington, British Secret Service Agent. Floyd Matthews, America’s oldest living submariner. Cause of death unknown in both cases.
What Really Happened: During WWII, Cornioley’s troops killed over 1000 German soldiers. The Nazis put a 1,000,000-franc bounty on her head. Post-war, this bounty may or may not have been lifted. Matthews, a WWII veteran himself, had access to a submarine: a silent, nautical killing machine. We’re just saying.
The Fallout: Living ex-Nazis remember that they had a few things to tie-up at the end of WWII, get to work lifting any other outstanding bounties with a chuckle and a ‘whoops!’ then decide they’d rather do a crossword puzzle. What? Just because they’re old, doesn’t mean their not jerks anymore.
BATTLE OF THE CENTENARIANS
Date: February 28
Who Died: Joseph M. Juran, management consultant and creator of the misleadingly-exciting-named Juran's Trilogy, stroke at 103 years of age. Philip ‘Flying Phil’ Rabinowitz, South African Sprinter, also stroke, 104 years old.
What Really Happened: Two centenarians, but only one could be... the fastest centenarian. When Juran challenged Rabinowitz that fateful February morn, a fight broke out so vicious that the only sound for miles was the gnashing of teeth and the breaking of hips.
The Fallout: a movie based on the battle, 2 Fast 2 Elderly, released in time for summer 2010.
Stay tuned for the next part, posted soon!
Read more!
When a celebrity dies, we usually get an information overload: Coroners’ reports, leaked crime scene pictures and suicide notes, tearful ‘my last moment with him’ accounts. But what if it was all bullshit? What if the arrogance that often comes with notoriety led to a heightened sense of honour, and if that honour was ever questioned, led to a fight to the death?
Here are a few well-known people who died on the same day this year, and the real story behind what happened. We think.
MAYOR V MAYOR
Date: January 3
Who Died: Harry L. ‘Butch’ Felker III, former Mayor of Topeka, cancer. Joseph Aaron Lazarow, former Mayor of Atlantic City, New Jersey, cause of death unspecified.
What Really Happened: The year started off slow. Well-known socialites and celebrities alike were recovering from the holidays on yachts and in spas worldwide. But these two had a score to settle, possibly regarding parking restrictions.
The Fallout: Mayor V Mayor becomes a new Marvel comic, with three spinoffs: Commissioner V Commissioner, Comptrollers at War and Ombudsmen Collide!
THE RESTAURANTEUR V THE COMPETITIVE EATER
Date: January 7
Who Died: Jean-Claude Vrinat, owner of the Haute Cuisine Taillevent restaurant, lung cancer. Edward Abraham ‘Bozo’ Miller, Gastronomical Champion of competitive eating, ‘natural causes’.
What Really Happened: the Times UK has called Taillevent ‘one of the grandest traditional establishments in Paris’. With a discounted lunch menu at 80 Euros, ($100 USD), it’s obvious what happened. Bozo came, he ate his fill, he got the cheque, he asked to see the owner… and then things got ugly. Deliciously, fatally ugly.
The Fallout: Once the heroic battle is publicised, a book on the life and times of Bozo Miller is released. This is a man who weighed 300 pounds, ate up to 25,000 calories per day, once ate 1000 packets of potato chips (flavour unspecified) and once drank a lion under the table. Yet he lived until the age of 89, and married a former Princess of the Pasadena Rose Bowl (basically, a beauty queen). Upon the book’s release, we’ll see an increase in competitive eating, alcoholism, and domestic abuse among big cats.
ACTRESS V BALLERINA
Date: January 10
Who Died: Maila Nurmi, actress known for her ‘Vampira’ character, the inspiration for both Elvira and Booberella. Andrée Marlière, internationally renown ballerina, cancer.
What Really Happened: Who knows what it was about. But considering Nurmi was 85 and Marlière was 73, we can’t help but think this battle would have been way, way hotter had it happened five decades ago.
The Fallout: The vicious, sexy, decades-long feud between actresses and ballerinas is finally brought to light.
MEDIA PERSONALITY V BUSINESSMAN: A TALE OF TWO GAMEHUNTERS
Date: February 18
Who Died: Alec Wildenstein, French international art dealer, ex-husband of socialite Jocelyn Wildenstein, cancer. Grits Gresham, American conservationist, sportsman, and actor, complications with pneumonia.
What Really Happened: You may know Alec as the ex of Socialite and Very Scary Person Jocelyn Wildenstein:
It turns out they had a… difficult relationship. When Jocelyn suspected Alec of having affairs, she started the plastic surgery that would eventually make her:
When she confronted him about the affairs, he threatened her with a gun, and was briefly jailed. Once divorce proceedings started, both refused to leave their New York City townhouse, so they divided the apartment (we assume with a sitcom-esque white line drawn straight down the middle). When Jocelyn discovered she now only had one servant and didn’t have access to the private jet, things got really ugly.
Grits, meanwhile, was just your average retired media personality with a love for hunting. He’d hunted all his life, and was once terrifyingly quoted as saying ‘two things were going to happen every day when I was growing up. The sun was going to rise, and I was going to shoot something’.
Being a hunter his all life, he would have bagged a fair amount of game over the years. But there was one trophy left: the big cat.
The fatal fight started when Alec told Grits he was the one who wanted to shoot her first.
The Fallout:
To this day she remains in her natural habitat: the New York socialite scene.
THE SPY V THE SUBMARINER
Date: February 24
Who Died: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pearl_Witherington, British Secret Service Agent. Floyd Matthews, America’s oldest living submariner. Cause of death unknown in both cases.
What Really Happened: During WWII, Cornioley’s troops killed over 1000 German soldiers. The Nazis put a 1,000,000-franc bounty on her head. Post-war, this bounty may or may not have been lifted. Matthews, a WWII veteran himself, had access to a submarine: a silent, nautical killing machine. We’re just saying.
The Fallout: Living ex-Nazis remember that they had a few things to tie-up at the end of WWII, get to work lifting any other outstanding bounties with a chuckle and a ‘whoops!’ then decide they’d rather do a crossword puzzle. What? Just because they’re old, doesn’t mean their not jerks anymore.
BATTLE OF THE CENTENARIANS
Date: February 28
Who Died: Joseph M. Juran, management consultant and creator of the misleadingly-exciting-named Juran's Trilogy, stroke at 103 years of age. Philip ‘Flying Phil’ Rabinowitz, South African Sprinter, also stroke, 104 years old.
What Really Happened: Two centenarians, but only one could be... the fastest centenarian. When Juran challenged Rabinowitz that fateful February morn, a fight broke out so vicious that the only sound for miles was the gnashing of teeth and the breaking of hips.
The Fallout: a movie based on the battle, 2 Fast 2 Elderly, released in time for summer 2010.
Stay tuned for the next part, posted soon!
Read more!
Monday, 29 December 2008
Oh, also, the three they cut after the jump!
February 18: The Businessman
Who: Alec Wildenstein, French international art dealer, ex-husband of socialite Jocelyn Wildenstein.
How: Cancer. But he was a douche.
The Legacy: A big fuck off lesson: You may know Alec as the ex of Socialite and Very Scary Person Jocelyn Wildenstein:
It turns out they had a… difficult relationship. When Jocelyn suspected Alec of having affairs, she started the plastic surgery that would eventually make her:
When she confronted him about the affairs, he threatened her with a gun, and was briefly jailed. Once divorce proceedings started, both refused to leave their New York City townhouse, so they divided the apartment (we assume with a sitcom-esque white line drawn straight down the middle). When Jocelyn discovered she now only had one servant and didn’t have access to the private jet, things got really ugly.
Moral: DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE IF SHE HAS ACCESS TO PLASTIC SURGEONS WITH PICTURES OF PUMAS ON THEIR OFFICE WALLS.
July 24: The Spam King
Who: Eddie Davidson, professional douchebag asshole. Just look at his fucking face:
‘I’m gonna cause grand-scale minor inconvenience!’
For spamming companies throughout 2002 to 2007, he received 21 months imprisonment, $714,139 in fines, and forfeiture of personal property. Initially, companies paid him to annoy people by promoting their watches, perfumes and miscellaneous useless crap. In 2005 he and his Minions of Unnecessary Annoyance were employed by a Texas company to promote sales of their stock, which Davidson took to mean ‘email hundreds of thousands of strangers about what a great investment this is, and maybe a few fuckwits will bite back’.
How: First he escaped from prison. Then he (allegedly) killed his wife and three year old daughter. Then he shot his 16-year-old daughter, who lived. Then he shot himself. But he didn’t harm his 7-month-old son, because even though he was a professional spammer, and a child murderer, he had principles, dammit.
The Legacy: Does, ‘don’t be a dick, because you’ll end up an escaped convict, lying dead with your family’ count?
September 20: The Mobster
Who: Frank Valenti, former boss of the Rochester crime family.
How: Natural causes.
The Legacy: ‘Hey kids, join the mafia! You won’t die in a shootout, or be locked up for life! You’ll either enjoy years of an all-carb-and-cheese diet and having a hot wife like Tony Soprano, or live to be 97!’
Read more!
February 18: The Businessman
Who: Alec Wildenstein, French international art dealer, ex-husband of socialite Jocelyn Wildenstein.
How: Cancer. But he was a douche.
The Legacy: A big fuck off lesson: You may know Alec as the ex of Socialite and Very Scary Person Jocelyn Wildenstein:
It turns out they had a… difficult relationship. When Jocelyn suspected Alec of having affairs, she started the plastic surgery that would eventually make her:
When she confronted him about the affairs, he threatened her with a gun, and was briefly jailed. Once divorce proceedings started, both refused to leave their New York City townhouse, so they divided the apartment (we assume with a sitcom-esque white line drawn straight down the middle). When Jocelyn discovered she now only had one servant and didn’t have access to the private jet, things got really ugly.
Moral: DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE IF SHE HAS ACCESS TO PLASTIC SURGEONS WITH PICTURES OF PUMAS ON THEIR OFFICE WALLS.
July 24: The Spam King
Who: Eddie Davidson, professional douchebag asshole. Just look at his fucking face:
‘I’m gonna cause grand-scale minor inconvenience!’
For spamming companies throughout 2002 to 2007, he received 21 months imprisonment, $714,139 in fines, and forfeiture of personal property. Initially, companies paid him to annoy people by promoting their watches, perfumes and miscellaneous useless crap. In 2005 he and his Minions of Unnecessary Annoyance were employed by a Texas company to promote sales of their stock, which Davidson took to mean ‘email hundreds of thousands of strangers about what a great investment this is, and maybe a few fuckwits will bite back’.
How: First he escaped from prison. Then he (allegedly) killed his wife and three year old daughter. Then he shot his 16-year-old daughter, who lived. Then he shot himself. But he didn’t harm his 7-month-old son, because even though he was a professional spammer, and a child murderer, he had principles, dammit.
The Legacy: Does, ‘don’t be a dick, because you’ll end up an escaped convict, lying dead with your family’ count?
September 20: The Mobster
Who: Frank Valenti, former boss of the Rochester crime family.
How: Natural causes.
The Legacy: ‘Hey kids, join the mafia! You won’t die in a shootout, or be locked up for life! You’ll either enjoy years of an all-carb-and-cheese diet and having a hot wife like Tony Soprano, or live to be 97!’
Read more!
Another Cracked Article!
Go Read my new one, Where Aren't They Now?: 15 Overlooked Deaths of 2008.
BUT, did you know that most of these celebs actually didn't die how it was reported? And countless others went the same way? Stay tuned in January for my series on celebrities who fought to the death in 2008. There were heaps. True story.
Also, any thoughts on the Cracked article? Read more!
BUT, did you know that most of these celebs actually didn't die how it was reported? And countless others went the same way? Stay tuned in January for my series on celebrities who fought to the death in 2008. There were heaps. True story.
Also, any thoughts on the Cracked article? Read more!
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
13 Music Trends Whose Return We Fear
(Update: Thefty #1 got fired from his paper. Damn straight!)
Onward!
Here tis, the original article! To my consternation, the two aspects of the article that garnered the most negative comments were bits that didn't come from me; they were put in the updated version.
That is, the comparisons from Idol to Eurovision - surely Americans know what Eurovision is, Cracked already have whole articles about it?! The other is including UB40 in the 'Numbers' section. Being that UB40 are the third worse band of all time, I already know they named themselves after an unemployment benefits form.
* Worst bands:
3. UB40
2. The Fine Young Cannibals
1. Scissor Sisters.
Anyway, article after the jump! Enjoy.
13 Music Trends Whose Return We Fear
Like fashion, music goes in cycles. In the last few years we’ve suffered through fluro tee shirts, designer mullets and god-awful electro music, a la the mid 80s. Before that, Wolfmother dragged out their amazing impersonation of ‘1970s Led Zep without the passion or artistic merit’.
Popular musicians tend to hone in on a trend from yesteryear and exploit it for their own nefarious purposes. And by ‘nefarious’, we mean ‘sex with underage groupies and having the money to buy a fine crystal toilet seat’. It’s not that we have anything against people wanting to get laid and have money (though we at Cracked have chosen the more noble pursuit of writing for the love of weird internet shit and clammy hi-fives from likeminded nerdlingers). It’s just that many people creating music today are of an age where they find nostalgic comfort in the music of the 80s and 90s. And we’re about to show you why finding inspiration there might be a bad, bad idea.
Music Trend Thirteen: Child Exploitation in Rap
While you were having your first wet dreams about April O’Neil (or, in our case, Krang), some kids your age were actually making something of their pubescence. Perhaps due to the tragic post-80s decline of the Jackson Five, the world just needed children rapping. And, if possible, wearing their clothes backwards.
Examples: Kriss Kross. Another Bad Creation (ABC). Lil Bow Wow (who ran out of ‘Dog’ puns after his third album). Hanson in their seldom-seen ghetto pimp phase.
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: As for children rapping now, the daughter of Steve ‘Crikey!’ Irwin’s given it a bash. Here is the face of an illin’ new generation, yo’:
[picture of Bindi Irwin]
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: We’re legitimately shocked that none of these acts have their own reality TV show; so we propose a fly-on-the-wall documentary about all of them preparing for a revival tour, using their old material. Cue uncomfortable scenes of re-learning lyrics about playgrounds and holding hands, juxtaposed with one rapper getting high and trying to round up three hookers for a fourgy. Really cheap, filthy hookers.
Music Trend Twelve: Dudes as Ugly Chicks
Every so often a gender-bending guy comes around, blurring the line between ‘man’ and ‘woman’… though for some reason they’re always busted messes.
Examples: Boy George. Marilyn (the Poor Man’s Boy George), Marilyn Manson (the Scary Man’s Boy George) Honourable Mention: Alice Cooper: Not a lady, still ugly, but also awesome. Sometimes.
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: Aziz, a Bulgarian pop star who is so huge in s/his native country that s/he represented them in Eurovision 2006. But Transvestism? He’s kind of doing it wrong:
[Dude’s got a beard. Pictures]
How Else May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: It’s a well-established fact that 94% of contestants on reality TV singing contests are deep in the closet. Allegedly. So perhaps throwing in a few wigs and some makeup would render the show not only more honest, but make for better viewing, as the male contestants fight to be the first to perform ‘I’m Every Woman’, scratching each other to shreds with poorly-applied press-on nails. Strangely hot, once you think about it for a while. We have.
Music Trend Eleven: Warbling Diva + Menacing Dude Rapper = PROFIT
Seriously, the nineties were utterly retarded for this formula. The black Diva would sing the verses, usually about music, freedom, love in the night, passing love, or loving love, do a bit of chorus gear, and then, BOOM: the man would stomp in and do some tuff-as-guts rapping about yearning, or love, or being stern like a terminal illness. And people everywhere would go fucking nuts in their parachute material pants. Also, it helped if you were from Europe and had a fake Brooklynese accent.
Examples: The Real McCoy. Snap. C & C Music Factory. Black Box. Culture Beat. And Michael Jackson when he got a rapper in for the bridge of ‘Black or White’ you know, before things got really weird for him.
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: From the bands themselves. Snap, knowing nostalgia was imminent, re-released most of their singles in 2002-03. Inexplicably, The Real McCoy are still going, and in 2007 released the single ‘People Are Still Having Sex’ (though not to The Real McCoy anymore). And Culture Beat are also still at it, with songs like ‘Can’t Go On Like This (no no)’ (…).
Warbling Divas are like the final boss on a crooked arcade game: no matter how many grenades you throw, they refuse to die. And it gives you a headache.
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: Some DJ will inevitably sample a few of the divas’ lines, omit the tuff rap, and do an uninspired mashup while hipsters suck in their cheeks and dance ironically while wearing ironic Vanilla Ice T-shirts and getting their hair cut into flat tops. Ironic flat tops. It’ll be the designer mullet of 2008-9, and you’ll have to deal with it.
Music Trend Ten: Madonna Getting Her Junk Out
For the longest time, she just wouldn’t put it away.
Examples: Every Madonna film clip from about 1992-96; her book, Sex (which was mostly her paragliding naked, climbing a brick wall naked, and some other stuff we didn’t understand then, or now).
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: Her new album’s called Hard Candy.
[picture of super-muscular, haggard present day Madonna]
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia:
[same picture of super-muscular, haggard present day Madonna]
Oh, God. See, kids? Often nostalgia’s best left in the past.
Music Trend Nine: The Swedish
Once Pulp, Blur, Oasis and Supergrass came out, everyone was talking about Britpop. Whole editions of NME were devoted to Damon Albarn’s left shin. But truly, it was the Swedes who made like Parker Louis and couldn’t lose.
Examples: The Cardigans. Ace of Base. Roxette. The Wannadies. The tallest third of Placebo, Stefan Olsdal. Eagle-Eye Cherry and his Buffalo-stancing sister, Neneh Cherry (not to be confused with Senator Craig, whose stance was more wide than Buffalolike).
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: It never left: The Hives, Shout Out Louds, The Knife, Amanda Jenssen, The (International) Noise Conspiracy, Robyn, The Soundtrack to Our Lives, Jose Gonzales, Millencolin, Peter Bjorn and John, Suburban Kids with Biblical Names, Eric Prydz, Razorlight. We’re forced to assume that Swedish high schools are like the ones in Fame: All singing, all dancing, all the time.
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: In these current times of product placement and marketing saturation, we’re thinking some kind of Ikea-cross promoted DVD, featuring the music of Sweden’s best, re-written as assembly instructions. For example, Ace of Base singing ‘rough surfaces are demanding/if you’re under sanding’. Or The Cardigans can do ‘Alan Key, Alan Key/say you’ve an Alan Key/Assembly, Assembly/For desk assembly/I can’t make up this desk without you’.
Music Trend Eight: Charity Songs
There was a time pop artists cared about the world’s plight. And every so often, they’d look up from their gold-plated plate of gold-plated coke, turn to their busty companion, and realise that dammit, all is not right in the world. And they could do something to help: they could have a sing about it.
Examples: Do They Know It’s Christmas?, We Are the World, Feed the World.
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: There was a whole mess of songs devoted to Hurricane Katrina, but pop stars hate each other so much these days that not even Bob Geldof could shoehorn them all into a studio to record one song. They all needed their moment, man.
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: Nowadays, people are so disaffected by pointless wars and continuing famine, a feel-good tune about togetherness won’t cut it. To raise awareness, we’d have to kick it up a notch. So prepare for Lionel Ritchie’s comeback track, ‘You Know, In Some Parts of the World Ten Year Olds Are Sold as Sex Slaves, For Old Western Men to Sodomize Them, And Babies Get Shot in The Eye Like it’s No Big Thing. It’s So Messed Up, Man’ featuring the vocal stylings of Will Smith, R Kelly and a cast of dozens of other celebrities eager to promote new films and albums.
Music Trend Seven: The New Romantics
The eighties loved a wussy man in a frilly shirt, fopping about the place like Oscar fucking Wilde. And you know what? These dudes got more vadge than you ever will. Well, the ones who liked it did.
Examples: Adam and the Ants, Duran Duran, Spandau Ballet, A Flock of Seagulls, Ultravox, Falco. God, the 80s were gay for that shit.
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: So we’d need some fey men in lots of eye makeup and idiosyncratic dress, moaning about sadness and pouting for the camera… oh, hang on:
[pictures of Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance and 30 Seconds to Mars]
Ok, so that actually happened.
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: As above.
Music Trend Six: Numbers 4 Group Names
It was a simpler time, friends. No1 askd if u wantd 2 4get ur trbls n b happy. Words were words, numbers were numbers, and never the two met. Until some record company execs thought the very definition of ‘hip’, ‘urban’ and ‘now’ was to throw a number in, parading as a word… like a low-rent he-she out on the piss in a straight club on a Wednesday night, with a new weave to ensure s/he totally passed. Numbers are whores, man.
Examples: 112, 3T, All 4 One, Boys II Men, MN8…
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: Maroon 5, Zero 7, +44, B5, Day 26. Though with all the cuts to the music industry, some bands can’t even afford numbers, and in an effort to cut printing costs, have to forgo vowels altogether. See MSTRKRFT and Fall Out Boy (Thnks fr th Mmrs).
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: Ever asked yourself why there aren’t any 1337 pop groups yet? No? Well, here they come. Here they fucking come. Perhaps a girl group called Cr4zii B4b3z? Or a Christian Rock act called J3sus’ So1d|3rs? Or a DJ act named 411 Ur B34tz R B310ng 2 Us? Are your eyes vomiting blood yet?
Music Trend Five: The Supergroup.
When a group of artists from a few awesome bands get together and make music, the gods weep with the awesomosity of it. Sometimes.
Examples: Cream, Asia, The Travelling Wilburys, The Highwaymen, Bad English, Fantomas, Audioslave; and retrospectively: Genesis, Pink Floyd and Queen.
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: In the mid-00s, we already had Velvet Revolver, and if the members manage to get off the gear for more than five seconds they might even tour again.
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: Who would be a part of the 2008 super group? Oh, god, it would be made up of American Idol rejects, wouldn’t it? Or, worse yet, the dregs of 90s boy bands, the saddest one from every group, forming one big, puffy, flaccid, quiffed a Capella act.
Music Trend Four: Handsome Black Men Roaming in Packs
In the nineties, if you were a handsome black man with a smooth set of vocal chords, you typically roamed in packs with up to four like-minded individuals. From there, you would act as a black hole for all the quality vagina in your town, forcing pasty, clammy white boys to flock to the internet in droves, and create a market for web-based pornography as they sat lonely in their bedrooms. How do we know this? We just do, ok?
Examples: Every band stated in trend #6, along with Az Yet, Dru Hill, Jodeci, Shai, Silk, Soul for Real, Tony! Toni! Toné!, Bell Biv DeVoe, and the pink-clad quarter of Colour Me Badd.
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: We googled ‘Handsome Black Men’ and came up with blackmen.net, which, while they were indeed handsome, wasn’t… exactly what we were looking for. And ‘Black men roaming in packs’ came up with some results that are better unexplored, so we can’t really tell you. We’re going to go look at vagina and delete our histories now.
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: Boy bands seem to be… much more limp these days. I propose we get the smoothest dudes from Silk, Shai and Boyz II Men, and the superior Tony/i/é, put them in a room and charge people $40 a piece to learn their vadge-nabbing secrets. Then turn it into a book, and sell it on late night informercials to the same pasty, clammy boys, still looking at web porn. Which, since furries are basically the internet equivalent of the Vicar next door, has become much, much stranger in the last 10 years.
Music Trend Three: Hair Metal
The 80s were a good time to be a man who loved makeup, hair spray, peroxide, bright pink spandex and (antithetically) women; in much the same way as now, when it’s a good time to be a man who loves unlimited access to all the world’s depravity via a plastic box, and sundaes heavy with edible gold.
Examples: Quiet Riot, Mötley Crüe, W.A.S.P., Dokken, Twisted Sister, Warrant, Cinderella, Poison.
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: The Darkness tried. This guy is trying.
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: As we pointed out in trend #8, people are more jaded now. They have that depravity-box thing. Subtlety is dead. So suggestively-titled albums like Open Up and Say.. Ahh (Poison), Cherry Pie (Warrant) and Girls, Girls, Girls (Mötley Crüe), will have to kick it up a notch to stand out from the crowd. Expect grown men in rouge, leopard print leggins and teased hair to start selling you their glam metal revival albums, entitled Defecate Over a Glass Coffee Table as I Relax Below and Open Up And Say ‘Ooh Uncle Kevin, Penetrate Me in My Vagina-Hole Whilst Wearing a Blue Power Rangers Costume’. Thanks, internet!
Music Trend Two: Filthy, Middle-Class White Boys
If you were a socially-inept white boy who didn’t have access to IRC, then you could just moan into a microphone. If you could play three chords while you did it, bonus! You just had to remember to never wash your hair.
Examples: Nirvana, obvs. Pearl Jam, Mudhoney, Soundgarden, Sonic Youth, Alice in Chains, L7 (for the femme equivalent), The Melvins, Stone Temple Pilots.
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: The genre known as ‘Post Grunge’. Still mainly middle class white boys, still filthy. Though ‘usual rock star’ filthy now, not ‘I’m a junkie who knows three chords but not where to buy soap’ filthy.
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: As far as wangst-inspired boo-hooing lyrics are concerned, Emo has picked up the baton nicely. And Courtney Love pops in occasionally to remind us that she fucked Kurt Cobain. Pearl Jam haven’t yet sold ‘Alive’ to be used in an ad for health insurance, so that’s another way 2008 can really make things more shitful.
Music Trend One: Song-Specific Dances.
This is a trend that refuses to die. Every eight years or so a new song with its own dance pops up, and we’re not talking about the standard ‘hands in the air, chin jutting forward’ thing that frat boys do every time some shitty Nu-Metal band squeezes out a song.
Examples: The Twist. The Nutbush. The Bus Stop (though we do appreciate the ‘freestyle funk section’ at the end of the cycle). The Cabbage Patch. The Macarena. And, of course, the Lambada, which was so forbidden that no one actually bothered doing it.
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: Besides the Ketchup Dance and Soulja Boy’s Crank That dance, most are annoying memes, namely Peanut Butter Jelly and the Hamster Dance.
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: Girl bands are getting more and more provocative with their look: think The Go Gos vs The Spice Girls… and then look at The Pussycat Dolls:
[especially slutty picture of the PCD, or indeed, any picture of the PCD]
Actually, that’s probably what will happen. The Pussycat Dolls, or similar, will have their new song, let’s assume it will be called something along the lines of ‘I’m a Strong, Independent, Brave, Surviving, Beautiful, Self-Assured Woman’ and the dance in the film clip will entail them just showing their vulva and moving it around a little. Which every female PDC fan from here to the UK will then copy. Which, all in all, might not be a terrible thing, really.
Lisa-Skye Ioannidis is a Melbourne-based writer and editor. You can find more of her barking like a pony here.
# # #
Read more!
Onward!
Here tis, the original article! To my consternation, the two aspects of the article that garnered the most negative comments were bits that didn't come from me; they were put in the updated version.
That is, the comparisons from Idol to Eurovision - surely Americans know what Eurovision is, Cracked already have whole articles about it?! The other is including UB40 in the 'Numbers' section. Being that UB40 are the third worse band of all time, I already know they named themselves after an unemployment benefits form.
* Worst bands:
3. UB40
2. The Fine Young Cannibals
1. Scissor Sisters.
Anyway, article after the jump! Enjoy.
13 Music Trends Whose Return We Fear
Like fashion, music goes in cycles. In the last few years we’ve suffered through fluro tee shirts, designer mullets and god-awful electro music, a la the mid 80s. Before that, Wolfmother dragged out their amazing impersonation of ‘1970s Led Zep without the passion or artistic merit’.
Popular musicians tend to hone in on a trend from yesteryear and exploit it for their own nefarious purposes. And by ‘nefarious’, we mean ‘sex with underage groupies and having the money to buy a fine crystal toilet seat’. It’s not that we have anything against people wanting to get laid and have money (though we at Cracked have chosen the more noble pursuit of writing for the love of weird internet shit and clammy hi-fives from likeminded nerdlingers). It’s just that many people creating music today are of an age where they find nostalgic comfort in the music of the 80s and 90s. And we’re about to show you why finding inspiration there might be a bad, bad idea.
Music Trend Thirteen: Child Exploitation in Rap
While you were having your first wet dreams about April O’Neil (or, in our case, Krang), some kids your age were actually making something of their pubescence. Perhaps due to the tragic post-80s decline of the Jackson Five, the world just needed children rapping. And, if possible, wearing their clothes backwards.
Examples: Kriss Kross. Another Bad Creation (ABC). Lil Bow Wow (who ran out of ‘Dog’ puns after his third album). Hanson in their seldom-seen ghetto pimp phase.
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: As for children rapping now, the daughter of Steve ‘Crikey!’ Irwin’s given it a bash. Here is the face of an illin’ new generation, yo’:
[picture of Bindi Irwin]
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: We’re legitimately shocked that none of these acts have their own reality TV show; so we propose a fly-on-the-wall documentary about all of them preparing for a revival tour, using their old material. Cue uncomfortable scenes of re-learning lyrics about playgrounds and holding hands, juxtaposed with one rapper getting high and trying to round up three hookers for a fourgy. Really cheap, filthy hookers.
Music Trend Twelve: Dudes as Ugly Chicks
Every so often a gender-bending guy comes around, blurring the line between ‘man’ and ‘woman’… though for some reason they’re always busted messes.
Examples: Boy George. Marilyn (the Poor Man’s Boy George), Marilyn Manson (the Scary Man’s Boy George) Honourable Mention: Alice Cooper: Not a lady, still ugly, but also awesome. Sometimes.
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: Aziz, a Bulgarian pop star who is so huge in s/his native country that s/he represented them in Eurovision 2006. But Transvestism? He’s kind of doing it wrong:
[Dude’s got a beard. Pictures]
How Else May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: It’s a well-established fact that 94% of contestants on reality TV singing contests are deep in the closet. Allegedly. So perhaps throwing in a few wigs and some makeup would render the show not only more honest, but make for better viewing, as the male contestants fight to be the first to perform ‘I’m Every Woman’, scratching each other to shreds with poorly-applied press-on nails. Strangely hot, once you think about it for a while. We have.
Music Trend Eleven: Warbling Diva + Menacing Dude Rapper = PROFIT
Seriously, the nineties were utterly retarded for this formula. The black Diva would sing the verses, usually about music, freedom, love in the night, passing love, or loving love, do a bit of chorus gear, and then, BOOM: the man would stomp in and do some tuff-as-guts rapping about yearning, or love, or being stern like a terminal illness. And people everywhere would go fucking nuts in their parachute material pants. Also, it helped if you were from Europe and had a fake Brooklynese accent.
Examples: The Real McCoy. Snap. C & C Music Factory. Black Box. Culture Beat. And Michael Jackson when he got a rapper in for the bridge of ‘Black or White’ you know, before things got really weird for him.
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: From the bands themselves. Snap, knowing nostalgia was imminent, re-released most of their singles in 2002-03. Inexplicably, The Real McCoy are still going, and in 2007 released the single ‘People Are Still Having Sex’ (though not to The Real McCoy anymore). And Culture Beat are also still at it, with songs like ‘Can’t Go On Like This (no no)’ (…).
Warbling Divas are like the final boss on a crooked arcade game: no matter how many grenades you throw, they refuse to die. And it gives you a headache.
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: Some DJ will inevitably sample a few of the divas’ lines, omit the tuff rap, and do an uninspired mashup while hipsters suck in their cheeks and dance ironically while wearing ironic Vanilla Ice T-shirts and getting their hair cut into flat tops. Ironic flat tops. It’ll be the designer mullet of 2008-9, and you’ll have to deal with it.
Music Trend Ten: Madonna Getting Her Junk Out
For the longest time, she just wouldn’t put it away.
Examples: Every Madonna film clip from about 1992-96; her book, Sex (which was mostly her paragliding naked, climbing a brick wall naked, and some other stuff we didn’t understand then, or now).
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: Her new album’s called Hard Candy.
[picture of super-muscular, haggard present day Madonna]
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia:
[same picture of super-muscular, haggard present day Madonna]
Oh, God. See, kids? Often nostalgia’s best left in the past.
Music Trend Nine: The Swedish
Once Pulp, Blur, Oasis and Supergrass came out, everyone was talking about Britpop. Whole editions of NME were devoted to Damon Albarn’s left shin. But truly, it was the Swedes who made like Parker Louis and couldn’t lose.
Examples: The Cardigans. Ace of Base. Roxette. The Wannadies. The tallest third of Placebo, Stefan Olsdal. Eagle-Eye Cherry and his Buffalo-stancing sister, Neneh Cherry (not to be confused with Senator Craig, whose stance was more wide than Buffalolike).
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: It never left: The Hives, Shout Out Louds, The Knife, Amanda Jenssen, The (International) Noise Conspiracy, Robyn, The Soundtrack to Our Lives, Jose Gonzales, Millencolin, Peter Bjorn and John, Suburban Kids with Biblical Names, Eric Prydz, Razorlight. We’re forced to assume that Swedish high schools are like the ones in Fame: All singing, all dancing, all the time.
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: In these current times of product placement and marketing saturation, we’re thinking some kind of Ikea-cross promoted DVD, featuring the music of Sweden’s best, re-written as assembly instructions. For example, Ace of Base singing ‘rough surfaces are demanding/if you’re under sanding’. Or The Cardigans can do ‘Alan Key, Alan Key/say you’ve an Alan Key/Assembly, Assembly/For desk assembly/I can’t make up this desk without you’.
Music Trend Eight: Charity Songs
There was a time pop artists cared about the world’s plight. And every so often, they’d look up from their gold-plated plate of gold-plated coke, turn to their busty companion, and realise that dammit, all is not right in the world. And they could do something to help: they could have a sing about it.
Examples: Do They Know It’s Christmas?, We Are the World, Feed the World.
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: There was a whole mess of songs devoted to Hurricane Katrina, but pop stars hate each other so much these days that not even Bob Geldof could shoehorn them all into a studio to record one song. They all needed their moment, man.
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: Nowadays, people are so disaffected by pointless wars and continuing famine, a feel-good tune about togetherness won’t cut it. To raise awareness, we’d have to kick it up a notch. So prepare for Lionel Ritchie’s comeback track, ‘You Know, In Some Parts of the World Ten Year Olds Are Sold as Sex Slaves, For Old Western Men to Sodomize Them, And Babies Get Shot in The Eye Like it’s No Big Thing. It’s So Messed Up, Man’ featuring the vocal stylings of Will Smith, R Kelly and a cast of dozens of other celebrities eager to promote new films and albums.
Music Trend Seven: The New Romantics
The eighties loved a wussy man in a frilly shirt, fopping about the place like Oscar fucking Wilde. And you know what? These dudes got more vadge than you ever will. Well, the ones who liked it did.
Examples: Adam and the Ants, Duran Duran, Spandau Ballet, A Flock of Seagulls, Ultravox, Falco. God, the 80s were gay for that shit.
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: So we’d need some fey men in lots of eye makeup and idiosyncratic dress, moaning about sadness and pouting for the camera… oh, hang on:
[pictures of Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance and 30 Seconds to Mars]
Ok, so that actually happened.
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: As above.
Music Trend Six: Numbers 4 Group Names
It was a simpler time, friends. No1 askd if u wantd 2 4get ur trbls n b happy. Words were words, numbers were numbers, and never the two met. Until some record company execs thought the very definition of ‘hip’, ‘urban’ and ‘now’ was to throw a number in, parading as a word… like a low-rent he-she out on the piss in a straight club on a Wednesday night, with a new weave to ensure s/he totally passed. Numbers are whores, man.
Examples: 112, 3T, All 4 One, Boys II Men, MN8…
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: Maroon 5, Zero 7, +44, B5, Day 26. Though with all the cuts to the music industry, some bands can’t even afford numbers, and in an effort to cut printing costs, have to forgo vowels altogether. See MSTRKRFT and Fall Out Boy (Thnks fr th Mmrs).
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: Ever asked yourself why there aren’t any 1337 pop groups yet? No? Well, here they come. Here they fucking come. Perhaps a girl group called Cr4zii B4b3z? Or a Christian Rock act called J3sus’ So1d|3rs? Or a DJ act named 411 Ur B34tz R B310ng 2 Us? Are your eyes vomiting blood yet?
Music Trend Five: The Supergroup.
When a group of artists from a few awesome bands get together and make music, the gods weep with the awesomosity of it. Sometimes.
Examples: Cream, Asia, The Travelling Wilburys, The Highwaymen, Bad English, Fantomas, Audioslave; and retrospectively: Genesis, Pink Floyd and Queen.
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: In the mid-00s, we already had Velvet Revolver, and if the members manage to get off the gear for more than five seconds they might even tour again.
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: Who would be a part of the 2008 super group? Oh, god, it would be made up of American Idol rejects, wouldn’t it? Or, worse yet, the dregs of 90s boy bands, the saddest one from every group, forming one big, puffy, flaccid, quiffed a Capella act.
Music Trend Four: Handsome Black Men Roaming in Packs
In the nineties, if you were a handsome black man with a smooth set of vocal chords, you typically roamed in packs with up to four like-minded individuals. From there, you would act as a black hole for all the quality vagina in your town, forcing pasty, clammy white boys to flock to the internet in droves, and create a market for web-based pornography as they sat lonely in their bedrooms. How do we know this? We just do, ok?
Examples: Every band stated in trend #6, along with Az Yet, Dru Hill, Jodeci, Shai, Silk, Soul for Real, Tony! Toni! Toné!, Bell Biv DeVoe, and the pink-clad quarter of Colour Me Badd.
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: We googled ‘Handsome Black Men’ and came up with blackmen.net, which, while they were indeed handsome, wasn’t… exactly what we were looking for. And ‘Black men roaming in packs’ came up with some results that are better unexplored, so we can’t really tell you. We’re going to go look at vagina and delete our histories now.
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: Boy bands seem to be… much more limp these days. I propose we get the smoothest dudes from Silk, Shai and Boyz II Men, and the superior Tony/i/é, put them in a room and charge people $40 a piece to learn their vadge-nabbing secrets. Then turn it into a book, and sell it on late night informercials to the same pasty, clammy boys, still looking at web porn. Which, since furries are basically the internet equivalent of the Vicar next door, has become much, much stranger in the last 10 years.
Music Trend Three: Hair Metal
The 80s were a good time to be a man who loved makeup, hair spray, peroxide, bright pink spandex and (antithetically) women; in much the same way as now, when it’s a good time to be a man who loves unlimited access to all the world’s depravity via a plastic box, and sundaes heavy with edible gold.
Examples: Quiet Riot, Mötley Crüe, W.A.S.P., Dokken, Twisted Sister, Warrant, Cinderella, Poison.
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: The Darkness tried. This guy is trying.
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: As we pointed out in trend #8, people are more jaded now. They have that depravity-box thing. Subtlety is dead. So suggestively-titled albums like Open Up and Say.. Ahh (Poison), Cherry Pie (Warrant) and Girls, Girls, Girls (Mötley Crüe), will have to kick it up a notch to stand out from the crowd. Expect grown men in rouge, leopard print leggins and teased hair to start selling you their glam metal revival albums, entitled Defecate Over a Glass Coffee Table as I Relax Below and Open Up And Say ‘Ooh Uncle Kevin, Penetrate Me in My Vagina-Hole Whilst Wearing a Blue Power Rangers Costume’. Thanks, internet!
Music Trend Two: Filthy, Middle-Class White Boys
If you were a socially-inept white boy who didn’t have access to IRC, then you could just moan into a microphone. If you could play three chords while you did it, bonus! You just had to remember to never wash your hair.
Examples: Nirvana, obvs. Pearl Jam, Mudhoney, Soundgarden, Sonic Youth, Alice in Chains, L7 (for the femme equivalent), The Melvins, Stone Temple Pilots.
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: The genre known as ‘Post Grunge’. Still mainly middle class white boys, still filthy. Though ‘usual rock star’ filthy now, not ‘I’m a junkie who knows three chords but not where to buy soap’ filthy.
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: As far as wangst-inspired boo-hooing lyrics are concerned, Emo has picked up the baton nicely. And Courtney Love pops in occasionally to remind us that she fucked Kurt Cobain. Pearl Jam haven’t yet sold ‘Alive’ to be used in an ad for health insurance, so that’s another way 2008 can really make things more shitful.
Music Trend One: Song-Specific Dances.
This is a trend that refuses to die. Every eight years or so a new song with its own dance pops up, and we’re not talking about the standard ‘hands in the air, chin jutting forward’ thing that frat boys do every time some shitty Nu-Metal band squeezes out a song.
Examples: The Twist. The Nutbush. The Bus Stop (though we do appreciate the ‘freestyle funk section’ at the end of the cycle). The Cabbage Patch. The Macarena. And, of course, the Lambada, which was so forbidden that no one actually bothered doing it.
Evidence of the Trend Coming Back: Besides the Ketchup Dance and Soulja Boy’s Crank That dance, most are annoying memes, namely Peanut Butter Jelly and the Hamster Dance.
How Else it May Be Exploited in 2008 Nostalgia: Girl bands are getting more and more provocative with their look: think The Go Gos vs The Spice Girls… and then look at The Pussycat Dolls:
[especially slutty picture of the PCD, or indeed, any picture of the PCD]
Actually, that’s probably what will happen. The Pussycat Dolls, or similar, will have their new song, let’s assume it will be called something along the lines of ‘I’m a Strong, Independent, Brave, Surviving, Beautiful, Self-Assured Woman’ and the dance in the film clip will entail them just showing their vulva and moving it around a little. Which every female PDC fan from here to the UK will then copy. Which, all in all, might not be a terrible thing, really.
Lisa-Skye Ioannidis is a Melbourne-based writer and editor. You can find more of her barking like a pony here.
# # #
Read more!
Sunday, 19 October 2008
What the Eff?
Here are two sites who have stolen my recent Cracked article, and put it up on their sites without crediting me. One's in Croation, the other's some BS American college paper (who has since taken it down, but not the dozen comments from Cracked readers).
Why do people do this? I don't know if this sort of thing happens to them often, but Cracked has a massive readership; how do these sites think they're not going to get caught?
By all means, spread my writing around like the filthy whore it is. But FFS, credit me and link to here. That's all I ask.
Still to come, the full version. I'll have it up next week.
Wish I could release my flying batmonkeys on them. But I hate monkeys. Read more!
Why do people do this? I don't know if this sort of thing happens to them often, but Cracked has a massive readership; how do these sites think they're not going to get caught?
By all means, spread my writing around like the filthy whore it is. But FFS, credit me and link to here. That's all I ask.
Still to come, the full version. I'll have it up next week.
Wish I could release my flying batmonkeys on them. But I hate monkeys. Read more!
Sunday, 12 October 2008
Hi, Cracked Readers!
Hope you enjoyed my article in today's Cracked: 7 Music Trends Whose Return Must Be Stopped.
Have a look around at some of my writing. There will be more spoken word and writing stuff up soon so subscribe to this blog for more updates as they happen... Oooh! Also, the original Cracked draft, 13 Music Trends Whose Return We Fear. It features handsome black men roaming in packs, among 5 other new categories! Also let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is fucking sexy. Read more!
Have a look around at some of my writing. There will be more spoken word and writing stuff up soon so subscribe to this blog for more updates as they happen... Oooh! Also, the original Cracked draft, 13 Music Trends Whose Return We Fear. It features handsome black men roaming in packs, among 5 other new categories! Also let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is fucking sexy. Read more!
Thursday, 9 October 2008
More Fringe Reviews
Go see Kale Bagdanovs is Cultured, and Felicity Ward's Ugly As A Child. Both feature funny and engaging performances from entertaining, hard working comedians.
Kale's show is about cultural snobbery, set in an intimate gallery (adorned with some lovely art at the moment, from an artist whose name I didn't get). Go a little early and gawk at the pretty pictures.
Felicity's show is an unashamedly personal show, filled with swearies and an It's a Knockout-styled showdown. Ask her why she doesn't drink anymore; I promise it'll be worth it.
See them before Sunday!
There is no more. I lied. Read more!
Kale's show is about cultural snobbery, set in an intimate gallery (adorned with some lovely art at the moment, from an artist whose name I didn't get). Go a little early and gawk at the pretty pictures.
Felicity's show is an unashamedly personal show, filled with swearies and an It's a Knockout-styled showdown. Ask her why she doesn't drink anymore; I promise it'll be worth it.
See them before Sunday!
There is no more. I lied. Read more!
Wednesday, 1 October 2008
Let Your Frange Swang Out
Yeah, the title, I don't know either. I think I just miss listening to Jonny McGovern's podcast (I've been listening to my show instead, to burn it into my human brain).
Anyway! I've not been able to see as many Fringe shows as I would have liked, what with the having my own one and all. (Have you got your tickets yet?) But here are two I've seen. Both are highly recommended.
In the Arms of a Lion is a powerful, fascinating one-man show about growing up gay in South Africa in the 1980s and 90s. Utterly heartbreaking at times, always engaging. The hour flew by; I was shocked when I felt the end coming. I knew Peter was a great writer and performer, but who knew he could act, too?
Just Me is Michael Connell's stand up show. It was great to see this after Peter Van Der Merwe left me so friggen devastated, heh. Connell is charming and I laughed continuously throughout his hour-long show. If you hated high school, this is the show for you. Also, if you grew up in the country (which I didn't, but still loled). I'll be watching out for this guy at the 2009 Comedy Festival.
So try to attend both. Garn.
I'll review the other ones I get to see when they happen.
Have you any endorsements for me? Read more!
Anyway! I've not been able to see as many Fringe shows as I would have liked, what with the having my own one and all. (Have you got your tickets yet?) But here are two I've seen. Both are highly recommended.
In the Arms of a Lion is a powerful, fascinating one-man show about growing up gay in South Africa in the 1980s and 90s. Utterly heartbreaking at times, always engaging. The hour flew by; I was shocked when I felt the end coming. I knew Peter was a great writer and performer, but who knew he could act, too?
Just Me is Michael Connell's stand up show. It was great to see this after Peter Van Der Merwe left me so friggen devastated, heh. Connell is charming and I laughed continuously throughout his hour-long show. If you hated high school, this is the show for you. Also, if you grew up in the country (which I didn't, but still loled). I'll be watching out for this guy at the 2009 Comedy Festival.
So try to attend both. Garn.
I'll review the other ones I get to see when they happen.
Have you any endorsements for me? Read more!
Thursday, 18 September 2008
!!
Look, just go to the fringe site. Or the Festival site. And get tickets.
Also, I'll be endorsing anything I see and like. But before that, I can't wait to see Peter Van Der Merwe's one man show, In the Arms of a Lion. He's a fantastic writer and great performer, so get your tickets now. More to come when I've seen them.
ps - go buy tickets for our show.
Do it, do it now! Read more!
Also, I'll be endorsing anything I see and like. But before that, I can't wait to see Peter Van Der Merwe's one man show, In the Arms of a Lion. He's a fantastic writer and great performer, so get your tickets now. More to come when I've seen them.
ps - go buy tickets for our show.
Do it, do it now! Read more!
Thursday, 21 August 2008
Podcast Two: An Open Letter to Teenagers
Regarding teenagers, taken from a few of my own experiences. Originally performed at 'True Teen Confessions', organised by Jenny Lee and Shelly O'Reilly in 2006. This was my first spoken word performance, awww.
Any thoughts? Lemme know. Read more!
Any thoughts? Lemme know. Read more!
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