February 18: The Businessman
Who: Alec Wildenstein, French international art dealer, ex-husband of socialite Jocelyn Wildenstein.
How: Cancer. But he was a douche.
The Legacy: A big fuck off lesson: You may know Alec as the ex of Socialite and Very Scary Person Jocelyn Wildenstein:
It turns out they had a… difficult relationship. When Jocelyn suspected Alec of having affairs, she started the plastic surgery that would eventually make her:
When she confronted him about the affairs, he threatened her with a gun, and was briefly jailed. Once divorce proceedings started, both refused to leave their New York City townhouse, so they divided the apartment (we assume with a sitcom-esque white line drawn straight down the middle). When Jocelyn discovered she now only had one servant and didn’t have access to the private jet, things got really ugly.
Moral: DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE IF SHE HAS ACCESS TO PLASTIC SURGEONS WITH PICTURES OF PUMAS ON THEIR OFFICE WALLS.
July 24: The Spam King
Who: Eddie Davidson, professional douchebag asshole. Just look at his fucking face:
‘I’m gonna cause grand-scale minor inconvenience!’
For spamming companies throughout 2002 to 2007, he received 21 months imprisonment, $714,139 in fines, and forfeiture of personal property. Initially, companies paid him to annoy people by promoting their watches, perfumes and miscellaneous useless crap. In 2005 he and his Minions of Unnecessary Annoyance were employed by a Texas company to promote sales of their stock, which Davidson took to mean ‘email hundreds of thousands of strangers about what a great investment this is, and maybe a few fuckwits will bite back’.
How: First he escaped from prison. Then he (allegedly) killed his wife and three year old daughter. Then he shot his 16-year-old daughter, who lived. Then he shot himself. But he didn’t harm his 7-month-old son, because even though he was a professional spammer, and a child murderer, he had principles, dammit.
The Legacy: Does, ‘don’t be a dick, because you’ll end up an escaped convict, lying dead with your family’ count?
September 20: The Mobster
Who: Frank Valenti, former boss of the Rochester crime family.
How: Natural causes.
The Legacy: ‘Hey kids, join the mafia! You won’t die in a shootout, or be locked up for life! You’ll either enjoy years of an all-carb-and-cheese diet and having a hot wife like Tony Soprano, or live to be 97!’
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