Overlooked Deaths of 2009: Deleted Scenes Part Two

Continued from part one, below, and the Cracked article, here.

Today: Sean Connery (sort of), Morgan Freeman (sort of) and Darth Vader (sort of), gorilla soap opera stars, dogs old and tall.

August 7: The Tallest Dog in the World.
Who:
Gibson, a Great Dane. On his hind legs, he stood seven fucking feet, one inch tall and weighed 180 pounds.

How:
Cancer.

The Legacy:
Breeders try to beat the record until dogs are the size of horses, and they enslave humanity, a la Planet of the Apes. Your next boss is a poodle with Short Man Syndrome.

August 12: The Nazi Wrestler
Who: Karl Von Hess. A professional wrestling ‘heel’ (bad guy) Von Hess’s villain gimmick was that of a Nazi sympathizer. You know, for yucks.

Audiences were so convinced of the gimmick that fans tried to stab, burn, and shoot at him. People get so weird about Nazis.


Pictured: Laffs a’Plenty

This hilarious shtick grew old, and by the early 1960s he gradually stopped wrestling with the WWWF.

How:
Alzheimer’s disease.

The Legacy:
The WWE’s in a slump. Perhaps more racially-charged villains are needed. Throw in a fake Klansman or two, a neo-Nazi skinhead and, we don’t know, a wrester based on Bin Laden. It’s a sound artistic decision for the modern age.

August 18: The Kinky Munitions Analyst
Who:
Jack McGeorge: Marine; Secret Service Specialist; Naughty, Naughty Boy.
Some men have secret lives. They climb the ladder in their chosen industry, spend years getting to the highest rank of their field, only to have it all come crashing down when it’s discovered they like hookers, or other men, or, we don’t know, fucking slinkys.

But not Jack McGeorge. He just figured, fuck it, I’m awesome at talking about the weaponization of biological and chemical agents, and I like leather. What are ya gonna do about it, tie me up? I dare ya. No, really, go on, I dare ya. Mmmmm…

McGeorge never lived in the closet. His full name appeared on many leather fancier websites, and talked about his interest in BDSM in the media. In 2002, the Washington Post publicized his part in the BDSM community, and McGeorge offered his resignation to Hans Blix, who refused to accept it. Possibly because at the time, McGeorge may have been wielding a foot-long spiked paddle and a bullwhip.

How:
Complications from open heart surgery. Bet you thought it was gonna be something dirty, didn’t you?

The Legacy:
More politicians coming out about their kink. Cross-dressing congressmen, spanking senators and Twinkie-fucking mayors.

August 28: The World’s Oldest Dog
Who: At the ripe old age of 21, Chanel, American female Daschund, was recognized by the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s oldest dog.

In her later years, Chanel wore tinted goggles for her cataracts, sweaters for the cold, and was transported in a stroller, because, at 147 years old, fuck walking.

How:
From being 21.

The Legacy:
Desperate owners resorting to scarves, walking sticks and prosthetic limbs to beat the record with their living cadaver pets.

September 2: Sean Connery, Morgan Freeman and Darth Vader
Who: Tibor Kristóf, Hungarian voice actor.

Kristóf did the Hungarian voices for many popular English-speaking films. He was seen fit to provide the voices for Sean Connery, Morgan Freeman and Darth motherfucking Vader among others, including Tony Curtis, Gregory Peck, Richard Burton, Paul Newman, Gene Hackman, Denzel Washington, Laurence Olivier, Chalton Heston and Charles Bronson. We’re pretty sure that this guy’s voice was so manly, when he spoke all ladies in earshot fell pregnant.

How:
Unknown. Perhaps he went for a swim and the weight of his massive balls pulled him under.

The Legacy:
A nation weeps as the man with surely the sexiest voice in Hungary is bid goodbye.

September 14: The Gorilla King
Who:
Titus, a one-Gorilla soap opera. He was observed in his natural habitat from 1974.

After Titus’ father was killed by poachers, another silverback, Beetsme, tried to take control of his group. Beetsme killed an infant female, the rest of the females left in protest and Titus, by now suffering severe daddy abandonment issues, lived with Beetsme in a ‘bachelor group’ for eight years, just Titus, Beetsme and a bunch of dudes.

They were lovers for a while, until five females joined the group and Beetsme decided he was into gorilla vagina again, and drove off the rest of the males, possibly because they still had Polaroids of Beetsme in pink gogo boots.

Beetsme had a slew of hot gorilla ladies, some of whom Titus began to hump in secret. He became the youngest gorilla babydaddy in recorded history, kept up with the secret mating, and in 1991 became top dog. However, Beetsme still subscribed to a ‘bros before hos’ philosophy, so continued to be Titus’ number two man until his death in 2001.

Titus sure liked the man-gorilla-on-lady-gorilla sex. He had so much of it, that by 2004 he controlled the largest gorilla group in the world. However, by 30, his oldest son, Kuryama, was getting all up in his gorilla grills, which led to Titus biting a female after she was caught mating with Kuryama in secret. Who knew gorillas liked to secret-mate so much?

There were some turf wars, the group split into Team Titus and Team Kuryama, then after a year they all reunited, Titus having retired his leadership peacefully. Reports show that Kuryama wasn’t a dick about it.

How:
At 35, after a short illness.

The Legacy:
Fortunately, ‘he who mates most is the leader’ doesn’t happen in the human world, lest our world leaders start to resemble Wilt Chamberlain and Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel. Although look out for new Primate-based soaps, The Bold and the Baboon-tiful, Apes of Our Lives and One Lemur to Live. (note: I'm pretty sure it was this exact, awful pun, not the length, that got it dropped from the Cracked version)

October 5: The Inventor of the Mouse
Who:
René Sommer, co-inventor of the computer mouse.

How:
Unknown.

The Legacy:
This guy invents a gadget that everyone uses every single day, and he gets 89 words in Wikipedia. Meanwhile, Ewoks, a fucking fictional race of teddy bears, get nearly 600. Fuck you, popular culture.

October 19: The Guy Who Just Fucking Lost it One Day
Who:
Howard Unruh, American spree killer.

A shy, reclusive guy, Unruh was said to be a ‘Mama’s Boy’ and was the target of teasing from local youths. He never got along with his neighbors. He eventually started a diary, detailing all imagined slights and everything he thought they said about him. After a few names, was ‘retal.’, short for ‘retaliate’. On September 6, 1949, Unruh killed 13 people.

He arrived home from a movie at 3am to find the front gate he had recently built was stolen. He slept til 8am, dressed in his best suit, fought with his mother over breakfast, and went out to do a bit of random killing.

How:
At 88, after a long illness. His last public words were ‘I'd have killed a thousand if I had bullets enough’, showing that decades in a facility for the criminally insane doesn’t take the douchebag out of someone.

The Legacy:
No one steals gates anymore.


A Bad Year for Horses
Who: Every race horse ever.
Cryptoclearance, Gigolo FRH, Summer Squall, Fine Cotton, Alysheba, Beach Towel, Lil E. Tee, Sunline, and Exotic Dancer.

How:
Horse-related complications.

The Legacy: When doing the research for this article, I was shocked at what a bad year this was for racehorses. I learned two things: 1. Racehorses have stupid names, and 2. Don’t be a racehorse.

Read more!

Overlooked Deaths of 2009: Deleted Scenes Part One

So my article was printed in Cracked today. There are a few changes, but you should go check it out.

When doing the research I found waaaaay more deaths that we could possibly include, so today and tomorrow I'll be publishing the 'deleted scenes': the ones that didn't quite make it.

Today: Eagle women, unfortunate coincidences, bastard chimpanzees. Shemales, hipsters, carp.

January 4: The Former President’s Former Cat
Who:
India, George W. Bush’s black cat.

The cat lived with the bushes for nearly two decades, first in the Texas Governor’s Mansion in Austin, and then at the White House.

Being a black cat named India came with some controversy: in 2004 protestors in the Indian state of Kerala burned an effigy of Bush in unfortunate-cat-name-induced rage. Though the cat was actually named for Ruben ‘El Indio’ Sierra, a Texas Rangers baseball player from when Bush owned the team.

How:
Cause of death unknown. And we’re certainly not saying that it was anything to do with Bush’s rage about having to move out of the White House sixteen days from India’s January 4th death. Nor are we inferring that it was a kitty suicide when India realized she’d have to move back to Texas.

The Legacy:
Black cats remain unlucky. The Obama’s puppy, Bo, sleeps with one eye open.

January 13: The woman with the army of eagles

Who:
Joan Keene, aka The Eagle Lady.
Keene was a former rodeo trick rider who lived in Homer, Alaska.

Shortly after she moved to Alaska, she saw two bald-headed eagles and tossed some leftover fish to them. A decade later, she was feeding over two hundred of the big guys, stockpiling fish scraps donated from local companies. And if she ever caught wind of a dead moose on the highway, that fucker’d be sliced up and on the specials board at Chez Eagle Diner by lunchtime.

Every day, she would drive a forklift from her job at a fish processing facility, deliver it to her motor home and then cut up the freezer-burned fish into fist-sized chunks for the eagles. If it was still frozen, she’d take an axe, chainsaw or motherfucking blowtorch to it. All up, it was three hours in the day, and about 50,000 pounds of fish a year, for some snooty, ungrateful guys in tuxedos.




Stock Photo.

In 1986 she told the Anchorage Daily News ‘I don't know if anyone else would do this. My motorhome smells like fish. My yard is fish. My truck is fish. I am fish. It gets kind of gross sometimes, especially when you're handling a lot of slimy carcasses’. And fellas, she was single.

How:
Respiratory condition. Whether it was caused by Bird Fancier’s Lung (no, really, it’s a thing) is unconfirmed.

The Legacy:
Since Alaska hates nature and everything about it, straight after Keene died the city of Homer passed a law prohibiting feeding predatory birds.

January 18: The Robot from Lost in Space
Who:
Bob May, the man inside the ‘bot (the voice of the robot died in 2004). He appeared inside the robot for all 83 episodes, but sadly, not in the 1998 movie, as he no longer fit inside the suit. But in the good ol’ days, he loved the suit so much that he called it a ‘home away from home’ and wore it all day while filming. During lunch, through smoke breaks, and possibly through giving groupies a seeing-to in his trailer [citation needed].

How:
Congestive heart failure.

The Legacy:
We’re cheated of his possibly-robosexual memoires, Deep Inside the Robot.

February 12: 9/11 Steering Committee Member Dies in Plane Crash
Who:
Beverley Eckert, advocate for those affected by 9/11.

How:
Commuter aircraft accident

The Legacy:
There’s no joke here, we just thought it was a very, very unfortunate coincidence. Like how Sylvia Plath’s 47-year-old biologist son committed suicide on March 16 this year. Death has a morbid sense of humor sometimes.

February 16: The Biggest Jerk to Ever be Called ‘Chimpanzee’
Who:
Travis, a male Chimpanzee actor with an axe to grind. Possibly because his owners named him ‘Travis’.

Travis appeared in many commercials and TV shows, including a TV pilot starring Sheryl Crowe and Michael Moore (which we assume was called The WTF Hour).

You think monkeys are cool? They’re cunts. ‘Oh, look, Travis is feeding the horses/brushing his teeth/playing baseball’ you hear. You don’t hear, ‘Oh, look! Travis bit and then tried to drag a woman into the car with him in 1996, oh, look, it’s 2003 and Travis is running after a man in a car, blood on his monkey mind.’

How:
Shot, after attacking Charla Nash, a friend of his keeper, who lost her eyes, nose, face and fucking hands.

The Legacy:
A new law prohibiting people from owning exotic pets of Travis’ size.

February 20: Another Type of Presidential Pussy for Clinton
Who: Socks the Cat, pet of the Clinton family during Bill’s time in office.

This year was a bad one for ex-president’s cats. Socks was the principal White House pet until they acquired Buddy, a Labrador. Socks ‘despised Buddy’ and when Clinton vacated the White House, they took Buddy with them, and Socks stayed with Clinton’s secretary.

How:
Cancer, at age 20.

The Legacy:
A 1998 book by Hilary Clinton, called Dear Socks, Dear Buddy: Kids’ Letters to the First Pets, in which we see over 50 letters children have written to the President’s fucking pets. Kids are retarded.

March 29: Lorne
Who:
Andy Hallett, the crooner who captured the hearts of nerds and fanboys worldwide with his portrayal of Lorne in the TV series Angel.

Originally the PA for Joss Whedon’s wife, the couple were so blown away by his voice that Joss wrote a character for him on his new show, Angel.

How:
Congestive heart failure.

The Legacy:
Scores of nerds flock to LA karaoke bars to drink to Lorne’s memory. In return, karaoke bars forced to purchase instrumental versions of Once More with Feeling for their new regulars. Old regulars forced to listen to off-key versions of I’ll Never Tell on a loop.

June 23: I Am My Own Patient
Who:
Jerri Nielsen, an American physician stationed at the South Pole.

Nielsen developed breast cancer at a time when her station was physically cut off from the rest of the world. So she did what anyone would have done: operated on herself to extract tissue samples for analysis.

When it was confirmed as breast cancer, she underwent self-administered chemotherapy. She went into remission and was brought back to the United States.

How:
Several years later, the cancer came back, and she eventually died form complications from a brain tumor.

The Legacy:
With the cost of healthcare growing, her autobiography Ice Bound: A Doctor’s Incredible Story may make a handy how-to guide for home procedures.

June 30: The Spy Who Shagged Me
Who:
Shi Pei Pu, spy and shemale.
A Chinese opera singer, Shi had a 20-year long affair with a French Embassy worker, Bernard Boursicot. Shi convinced Boursicot he was a woman, even going as far as buying a ‘son’ from a poor villager.

When Boursicot first met Shi, he was dressed as a man. Shi told him he was actually a woman, forced to live as a man to satisfy his father’s wish for a son. Their sexual relationship was maintained ‘quickly and in darkness’, and Boursicot was convinced Shi was a woman. Boursicot arranged for Shi and their ‘son’, Shi Du Du, to be brought to Paris, where Shi was busted for being a spy. And having a penis.

When the story broke, Boursicot slit his throat, but survived.

How:
After a long illness.

The Legacy:
More men insisting on having sex with the lights on. All the way on.

July 13: King of the Hipsters
Who:
Dash Snow, Artist and Trustafarian.

Snow was heir to a limitless fortune, and as such was able to flee his parents in his early teens to live on the streets. Some of Snow’s more infamous pieces feature newspapers splashed with his own semen, and Polaroids of his hipster friends getting fucked up.

Also, he named his daughter Secret Magic Nico.

How:
Drug overdose.

The Legacy:
The art world can’t decide whether he was the Kurt Cobain or Paris Hilton of contemporary American art. Either way, fellow hipsters are going to have to try even harder to be shocking in their never ending exploitation of sex, drugs and violence. Sorry, Vice Magazine.

July: Britain’s Favorite Fish
Who:
Benson, ‘Britain’s biggest and best-loved carp’. Known as ‘The People’s Fish’, she was voted Britain’s Favorite Carp in 2005, in a tough and incredibly boring poll. Britain loved her so much, that she was caught 63 times over 13 years. Because to the British, ‘love’ means hooking you by the lip and forcing you up by the spike, to half drown in air, before hurling you back to your home. They’re romantic like that. Also, she was named for a suspicious hole in her fin that looked like a cigarette burn, but was probably just more British ‘love marks’.

How:
Undetermined. At the time of her death, she weighed 64 pounds. Some allege she was accidentally poisoned (or ‘over-loved’) by anglers using uncooked nuts. Others say complications with pregnancy, as she was carrying 300,000 eggs at the time, the filthy whore.

The Legacy:
Britain must find a new fish to inflict their love on.

More tomorrow! Read more!

Cracked - Want Moar?

I'll have an article appearing at Cracked.com in a few days. I'll let you know when it's up.

Also! If you like it, stick around: I'll have the 'deleted scenes' (ie the points that didn't make the cut - it was a fairly big article) up the day after it hits.



Oh, also-also: Happy Christmas. Read more!